Husband can be so vile; do I get out now

[confusedwife2024]

I have been with him for 10 years, married for nearly 3, with a 1.5 year old daughter. Since the birth of our daughter he seems to have got really grumpy and overactive to things and I feel like I'm on eggshells, this has got worse to the point where he worked away for 10 days recently and I was glad he was gone save for some parenting support, when he came home it was a mini honeymoon again but it's now descended into grumpy and reactive again.
Examples: misplacing passports at the airport (another family member had them) cue meltdown shouting and swearing
Me arriving late for an evening in with friends (as was in Tesco getting pudding and wine) him throwing pudding into the freezer and being seethingly angry with me
Him kicking off if I drive without his seatbelt on even if we are in a rush, today he did this and my parents sister and poorly Nan overheard not to mention daughter was in the back
When I was pregnant him screaming at the top of his lungs that I was 'nagging him' in the car for all neighbours to hear

These are a few examples, I'm not an angel I can be messy and leave things unlocked, I also hit another cars bumper today accidentally, so I know I have my share of flaws, but I feel like I'm on eggshells cos of his huge reactions,
I really want to raise our daughter from a loving marriage, I love him and I want it to work; but I don't know if this is just what I will have to accept? How can I make it better

He’s abusive, he needs professional help, you need to keep yourself and your child safe

Have you asked him why he’s behaving this way?

Yes I have, he said that he thinks it's cos he is neurodivergent and it's how he deals with things and I should leave if I don't want it. I would agree it's possible he is wired differently but he didn't used to be like this. He can be lovely and does a lot of cooking for us and dotes on our daughter, I really want a happy ending with him. But I don't know if this is possible

He's got a point about the seat belt to be fair.... I Don't agree on the rest, you need to tell him to give him a chance to rectify or leave him.

I told him after the throwing ice cream that I feel like all nice things we have planned is ruined with him being reactive to things and I can't foresee a future with that happening; so didn't threaten divorce but let him know this behaviour will lead to my unhappiness and then that to divorce, but since that conversation he's been overreactive again,

Should I speak to his mum about it? Tell him again? I don't think I can do it on my own and raise our child alone it terrifies me we are meant to be moving to another house and a new baby next year hopefully; I want to run off into the sunset with him but his behaviour is getting me down

Does he blame you for his temper ?

Well, a lot of these would also irritate me. There's always that one person who takes that much longer to do any chores, leaving the other one to do all the prep. Ditto seatbelt and even passports.

Having said all that, his over reactions are not ok and if he can't moderate his behaviour, then this relationship is probably doomed.

I would be a bag of nerves living with somebody like that. He has told you you can go if you like. I would take him at his word. Don't spend your future life with this abusive man.

No and I don't think he would agree he has a temper. Now he has shouted at me in front of my family - they can't unhear or unsee it :( I'm so scared to think about life on my own.

I would prefer to be the one looking after passports and being in charge of finances etc but he insists it is him (he does very well with finances in fairness and it's not financial abuse he keeps me informed on everything)

He's horrible.

Why waste any more time with him?

Funny how the abuse ramped up when you got pregnant isn't it.

...standard abuser move.

He's not neurodivergent. He's just a cunt.

Absolutely go now.
He will only get worse and your child doesn't deserve to be raised in a home where her father screams at her mother.

Run. Fast and far.

I'm so scared to start life on my own I don't want this:( I wanted a happy marriage and more babies and a bigger home; grandchildren visiting us in our 80s, the full 9 yards
Not to be a single mum

And it is financial abuse if you have no control of your finances because he won't allow it.

If he doesn’t agree he has a temper then he’s in denial. I’ve been there, I threw him out, he realised he had a problem and got professional help. But he has to admit he had a problem

I was hoping some of you would say this a normal coparenting married life, but I don't think it is. I want to fix it not to leave more than anything;
He's never been physically aggressive towards me

When you got married nearly 3 years ago was it a traditional ceremony? Remind him of your l vows to cherish each other and that love is patient, love is kind.

Imagine living like that until you're in your 80s. I'm a single mum, it's not the end of the world and it means I don't have to live in fear of a cunt shouting at me all the time.

No sage advice I’m afraid, just to say I think you know this won’t get better and you have to leave him

He's already told you he won't change and blamed his behaviour of being neurodivergent. He even told you to leave if you don't like it. He's being very clear with you. @confusedwife2024 Do you want this forever? Do you want your kids to be just like daddy or marry someone like him?
You want happy ever after but it's not a fairytale. This is who he is. You can't polish a turd. Leave him. I know it's scary but is leaving scarier than the a lifetime on eggshell and dealing with his outburst.

Whilst he is right to object to the OP not wearing a seatbelt, he's in the wrong to behave abusively over the issue.
He has grounds to object, he does NOT have grounds to be abusive, it's important to make the distinction!

This won’t get better, I’m sorry OP but I’ve been where you are. My exH got worse when I pregnant too. You shouldn’t see bumping another car’s bumper as your flaw. It’s an accident and we all do stuff like that. I used to live on eggshells like you too.

Yes it was, I thought I was marrying a shark (my ex was an incapable dolphin) he can be stern but he gets stuff done; can earn well and protect us etc but I fear that I wish for more dolphin traits now; someone to dance with

I mean 'he's never been aggressive to me' (yet) is a pretty low bar.

I'm sorry op, I know it's not what you want to hear.

But I mean, I'd love to win the lottery and retire to the sun. But part of adult life is separating wishful fantasy from reality. Otherwise we spend our life chasing what ifs, only to look back and wish we'd put down that obsession and made emotionally healthy choices.

It sounds like being a single mum would be a dream compared to living with your "d"h.

He's abusive. Being abusive isn't a symptom of neuro diversity - it's a symptom of being an arsehole.

What scares you about being single? Is it being able to put the shopping away in your own time. Not being shouted at in front of your family? Your dd growing up in a house without one of her parents screaming at the other? Having control of your money?

Do you think people can change with some counselling or realisation of what they are being like)