Husband can be so vile; do I get out now

[confusedwife2024]

I have been with him for 10 years, married for nearly 3, with a 1.5 year old daughter. Since the birth of our daughter he seems to have got really grumpy and overactive to things and I feel like I'm on eggshells, this has got worse to the point where he worked away for 10 days recently and I was glad he was gone save for some parenting support, when he came home it was a mini honeymoon again but it's now descended into grumpy and reactive again.
Examples: misplacing passports at the airport (another family member had them) cue meltdown shouting and swearing
Me arriving late for an evening in with friends (as was in Tesco getting pudding and wine) him throwing pudding into the freezer and being seethingly angry with me
Him kicking off if I drive without his seatbelt on even if we are in a rush, today he did this and my parents sister and poorly Nan overheard not to mention daughter was in the back
When I was pregnant him screaming at the top of his lungs that I was 'nagging him' in the car for all neighbours to hear

These are a few examples, I'm not an angel I can be messy and leave things unlocked, I also hit another cars bumper today accidentally, so I know I have my share of flaws, but I feel like I'm on eggshells cos of his huge reactions,
I really want to raise our daughter from a loving marriage, I love him and I want it to work; but I don't know if this is just what I will have to accept? How can I make it better

I'm sorry op. I know you are really hoping that he will change but he won't.

He knows all of this, he knows how far he can push you, he does it because the feeling of power and control makes him feel better. He will want more & more of it, crush you more and more so that he can feel like top dog.
Screaming at you when you are pregnant, this is to show you that he can abuse you in public and no-one will help you (they wont want to get on the wrong side of mr crazy angry)

I think you need to atleast try couples counselling.

1. Couples counselling to see if he can hear how you are feeling and change his behaviour

2. Counselling for you. So you can get stronger, better boundaries and the ability to leave if his behavior does not change or escalates.

You said yourself he was a shark from the beginning. A shark is a predator. It will never not be a predator.

Councilling will not help as he isn't actually damaged. He's just a shark. And you're a nice, tasty looking octopus.

He's just not like us.
It's not in him...what you want him to be.

That will come . His behaviour is about controlling you and he will need to ramp it up.

Of course he won’t just punch you in the face, that would be too obvious . He will throw things and break them. Not his own valuable things of course.

Then he will “ accidentally “ push you or grab you too hard and make a mark. He will say you made him do it because Reason.

Then he will grab you, push you up against a wall / on the floor, pretend to hit you and then say “ look what you made me do “. You might wet yourself in fear and will be ashamed.

When you tell him how scared you were, he will get angry and say “ are you calling me an abuser ? “ . So you will shut up.

Then he will hit you with an object eg throw your own phone at you. Or hit you with an open hand . After that he will be sorry , he might cry and tell you it’s your fault because you made him angry.

Each time he ramps up the abuse, you will get more and more scared of his outbursts. You will walk on eggshells trying not to set him off. You will become smaller and smaller, more isolated as you withdraw from family and friends. Because you are scared and ashamed, you will feel it’s your fault.

You can’t “ fix it “ because this is who he is. You can’t change someone else, it’s hard enough to even change yourself, when you really want to.

Men like him don’t want to change because they benefit from how they are behaving . You don’t change a winning behaviour.

Do you think people can change with some counselling or realisation of what they are being like
Possibly, if they want to change, if they see the way they are as a bad thing and they want to be a better person, if they want it enough they might put the work in and change for the better.
I dont think any of that applies to this man, this man feels it is his right to do exactly as he pleases, you are his subordinate and he has the right to chastise you.

No reputable counsellor will do couples counselling when there is abuse.

But yes the Op should go herself.

It is never recommended to to joint counciling with an abuser. Which it seems he is.

Individual therapy for yourself couldn't harm though op, just to have someone to talk to.

The majority of men want children because they genuinely want to raise & nurture them. However for some men I think the main driver is they know it makes it easier for them to dominate & control the mother of the child.
(I think this is often the case also for men who target single mothers)

To a degree.

People can sometimes modify their behaviour, but they won't be able to change who they are and their inner emotional reactions so easily.

They need to at least acknowledge that they have a problem. This goes beyond just 'She wants me to change and so I'm willing to do that to save our marriage'. It needs to come from real introspection, a realisation that 'Oh God that is really unkind, I have to change this' type of thing.

Even then, it might still be a lot of hard work for them, rolling a bolder uphill and will be prone to slipping back again.

It's not about the fact that he's behaving in a certain way. Your issue together seems to stem from the fact that he's annoyed or angry in the first place, when you wouldn't be.

Neurodivergent my Arse 🙄

People can only change if they want to. If they acknowledge what they have done and take responsibility. You husband isn't taking responsibility. He's blaming his neuro divergence so he's not taking responsibility and telling you to like it or lump it. It's not a recipe for change.

Your husbands behaviour is a abusive. You need to start seeing it for what it is.

Yes he blames his neurodivergence, and even worse sometimes he acts like nothing happened. In other words there is a complete refusable to be held accountable. He's laughing at you, treating you with contempt 🤬

So he became neurodivergent after your daughter was born? When your attention wasn’t on him and his needs any more? Funny that.

He won’t improve. Start planning your exit strategy. Don’t let him control the finances.

You could still have more DC. Doesn’t have to be with him. Don’t get pregnant to him again. He’ll get worse. Being a single mum might be a far better and braver choice for your DC than staying and exposing DC to the appalling behaviour of this man.

I have not long ended a 16 year relationship with someone who among many other things had these traits. He is an abuser. He blames his mental health. He has never got better. If your husband really is in denial then I am afraid it doesn’t sound like it will make a damn bit of difference.

You can’t have that fantasy of the future @confusedwife2024 because that fantasy can only exist if it is rooted in love and respect now. Otherwise it simply isn’t an option. It’s not a real option.

What you are choosing between is continued abuse or abuse put in the past (by leaving him). There is no lovely future to give up.