I can't win with this man

[unknownmember123]

I have been in an on off relationship with a man for 4 years. I am head over heels with him but he ends it with me and then pulls me back in.

Last year he ended it blocked me no explanation just said couldn't do it. Heard nothing for 6 months. I was utterly crushed to pieces.

Around 7 months on I began dating a guy a friend has set me up with. About a month in he came bk begging me to be with me said I was the love of his life and he had made a massive mistake ( this isn't the first time but it was the longest) he would end it with me and a couple of weeks later beg me back.

I resisted and carried on dating this guy for around 4 months. It didn't work out nothing in common. And deep down I still love him.

I ended it and anther couple of month later he was still begging and I finally let my guard down and give in. First few months have been good. But same has happened again. And he admitted he can't get over I got with some one else when he ended- 7 months later.

I'm crushed again please help me I know u all will say I'm stupid.

I am aware of emotional abuse. There's lots of gas lighting and stuff that I'm starting to recognise but it feels like the end of the world walking away. I've never been able to

You are addicted to him.

You need to go cold turkey.

Fill your time with the things you’ve missed out on.

He will take your future. Your happiness and you sanity.

That’s a high price to pay for a committed equal relationship.

You’re absolutely right. You will NEVER win with this man. If you perceive ‘winning’ as being with him. I certainly wouldn’t. He is, like you admit, incredibly abusive. The only real ‘win’ in this scenario is you cutting the toxic fucker off permanently, get some counselling to develop your own self esteem & boundaries and then moving onwards & upwards in your life. Win win.

Block him

And he admitted he can't get over I got with some one else when he ended- 7 months later.

You should have laughed in his face and said, 'Seriously? You thought I was going to be celibate for the rest of my life once we had split up? Were you intending to be? Your ego is ridiculous'.

Just block the idiot. And maybe console yourself with the fact that you HAVE won. Because this waste of space is gone again. That's a winning situation.

You know what you need to do. Reading Women Who Love Too Much may help.

I've recently been there and got the T shirt... google trauma bond and narc abuse. Sorry it's happened to you as well.

Hand hold please www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5062206-hand-hold-please

Ah bless ya been there cried there and moved on. Get Bridget jones on a bottle of wine and face pack and get yourself back out there when you’re ready. Sing the I’m still standing song and get yourself a new hair do or new make up anything that makes you feel good again! Xx

If he doesn't choose you consistently back you shouldn't want to be with him. You need to make a decision to walk away from him and stick to it. He is not someone who is going to built a meaningful life together. You are just wasting your life away

I think some therapy might be good for you? I used to be like this with a couple of my exes and it was rooted in childhood/family trauma and the need to have someone love me.

This man sounds like he is just perpetuating that cycle for you. You need to ditch him and I promise you will look back at this in years to come and be grateful that you let him go once and for all.

This.

It’s not real love, it’s addiction. I was with one like this once on and off. It took 5 years for me to break the habit - and that’s what it was, a habit. For those 5 years I genuinely believed I was in love with him. But he would regularly leave me (usually for another woman) and then he’d win me back with grand gestures and lies about how I was really the one. I vividly remember once when I told him about someone else I’d been seeing and he put his fist through a wall.

One day, I had enough. He had gone abroad supposedly for 2 weeks, then gone silent on me and I had no idea what was happening. He turned up on my doorstep 6 weeks later saying he had just needed space, and honestly in that moment I just saw how incredibly pathetic he was. And I was done. It was like suddenly I was free.

I’m now happily married to someone who always puts me first. This guy contacted me once on FB when I first started seeing my now husband and had changed my profile picture to one of us, and I actually laughed at how he was still trapped in the same old cycle and I was completely free. I hit block and haven’t heard from him since.

You are not head over heels in love with him. You are in love with his potential, who you think he is deep down , the real person he could be if he didn’t do X Y and Z.

That person is a figment of your imagination. You need to get support ( counselling , therapy , close friends and family ) to help you deal with your addiction to this fantasy .

it feels like the end of the world walking away

In what ways will the world end?

Be specific about how you feel; it will help you to understand the gap he's filling by being an on/off potential partner. Then you can fill the gap yourself. So, for example, if you feel that not being in a relationship with him means you'll never have children, you'd need to take a different course of recovery action from it meaning you'll never live in his big mansion. These are silly examples, but just to help you see what I'm getting at.

He does something for you: what is it, and how can you do it for yourself?

Also, which of your parents struggled to show you consistent love? Your pattern of behaviour here is likely to stem from there.

Oh OP that's awful. I had the same back and forth with someone for 5 years. It is emotionally abusive, narcissistic behaviour and the trauma bond + intermittent reinforcement really drags you down and hooks you in.

I would really, really recommend Natasha Adamo's 'How to win your break up'. The title is a bit fluffy, but it's a serious book about moving on from a toxic relationship. It's the one book I've read that I felt really 'got it' and gave me the foothold I desperately needed to disengage, get up and get out of the abuse cycle.

Stop being an utter mug.

He is just one nob head out of many who isn't trying to make you feel loved or even cherished.

Surely this isn't what you envisioned for yourself?

You were surviving fine before you met him and you will again.

Short, to the point, and bang on. I like your style.

I've had this, it went on for years. When I finally left he proposed...I found out later he was seeing someone else at the same time.

It's not worth it, he has become a comfort of sorts and you are used to him but you will find someone else. Stop wasting time.

Lol.

"I like my toys to stay on the floor where I've discarded them. And no other child is allowed to pick them up".

(Oh and I somehow doubt he's been a celibate monk the numerous times he's dumped you).

If you don't want someone to date other people, maybe don't dump them (repeatedly)!

Also, guys who can't get past women who were single (because they dumped them) dating other men, in my experience, tend to be a certain type.

And that's not a good type.

Their rules don't tend to be two way/equal either.

But he would regularly leave me (usually for another woman) and then he’d win me back with grand gestures and lies about how I was really the one. I vividly remember once when I told him about someone else I’d been seeing and he put his fist through a wall.

And here's a perfect example of that; which I did t even see when writing my post.

But same has happened again. And he admitted he can't get over I got with some one else when he ended- 7 months later.

But he's dumped you twice (?) before without you having gone out with anyone else, right?

So it's not just that.

It's an excuse.

He might not like you having gone out with someone else (ridiculous, child like, immaturity, selfishness and egotism) but this part of a pattern of dumping you. He does it whether you've gone out with someone else or not.

I wouldn't dream of treating another human being the way this man has treated you

I am head over heels with him

Why?

Do you want to get married, have kids?

What do you realistically think are the chances of having a happy, stable life and family that works out with someone who keeps finishing with you?

I don't think even you think he's going to stop, so what's to be mad about?

It didn't work out with the guy you previously dated but it's a numbers game, no reason it can't work out with someone else.

Sorry but I reckon he had someone else on the go last year) and any previous time he ended the relationship).

Who knows what's happening this time

I wouldn't be surprised if he's a guy who's always looking and always has a few options he's working on.

You're fallback girl.

In fact isn't there a book "Mr unavailable and the fall back girl' that might be useful.