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Original poster

Am I having an emotional affair? I'm so lost/confused

30 replies

BoPeepsLostSheep · 28/04/2024 10:10

Hey guys, Just to start off with, I'm looking for advise and not an ear bashing please...I know I'm a horrible human already.

So I (32f) have been with DH (39m) for 14 years, married for 7, no kids and no plans to have them. For a while I have been feeling seriously neglected and ignored by him due to him giving me no attention and playing v.games all the time. It was like i was putting 110% into our marriage and he was putting in 20% if i nagged enough. We had a blow out a few weeks back and put a plan in motion to try and sort things out...he has been really trying to make the effort too.

I have, however, over the last year grown very close to a work colleague. We get on really well and can talk to each other about anything. He is also in a relationship but not a happy one. We do flirt a lot and I know we have crossed the line several times and said things we shouldn't be saying. Nothing physical but the odd playful bum slap has happened between us and we stay away from talking to each other outside of work. I find he just captivates me completely. There has only ever been one other person who has done that to me and that's my husband. It's now gotten to the point where all I do is think about him and when I will speak to him again and I think I have fallen in love with him. He doesn't know this. The idea of completely cutting him off absolutely destroys me. I don't want to give him up, and I would like to at least be friends. At the other end, I do...despite what u may think, love my husband dearly, and this would destroy him. He has been my world since I was 18.

I'm so stuck on how to sort this out. Do I tell my husband? Is it better or worse to tell him? I've turned into the kind of woman i have always loathed, and I hate myself. I never wanted this to happen and never believed that you could be in love with two people, but I apparently can.

I don't have anyone to talk to either. Councilling would raise too many questions also.

OP posts:
LuckyCharmz · 28/04/2024 10:12

Change your job. Don’t tell your husband.

WitcheryDivine · 28/04/2024 10:15

Firstly I don’t think you’re in love with this guy, you only know him in a work context and while I understand how strong these feelings can be you have no idea what he’s really like. Maybe he plays video games all the time and ignores his partner? Maybe he leaves his dirty pants all over the floor? Maybe he’s racist/sexist when out having a few drinks?

In my life feelings like you’re experiencing have always been a sign that something is wrong in my relationship. You need to decide whether you think the relationship with your husband is salvageable and it sounds like you want it to be. It sounds like he’s not giving you attention or affection? These are the sort of things you can talk about in relationship counselling surely. You need to realise that the other guy is a symptom not the cure. He’s not really relevant because you love your husband and want to be with him.

WitcheryDivine · 28/04/2024 10:15

LuckyCharmz · 28/04/2024 10:12

Change your job. Don’t tell your husband.

Also this!

Bobbotgegrinch · 28/04/2024 10:16

Yes, you are, and you need to put a stop to it. You're not going to be able to keep being friends with this person, you're in too deep.

I think you should talk to your husband, tell him that you're not getting what you need from the marriage, and that as a result you've started to feel an emotional connection to other people. That you don't want that to happen and you want your marriage to work, but it's not going to unless he steps up.

And then if he doesn't, I'd start looking at splitting up. You may love your husband, but if you're not getting what you need from the marriage, then it's not a good marriage.

TammyJones · 28/04/2024 10:19

As above
And stop with the bum slapping.
Totally inappropriate at work ( could get you into serious trouble)
Tells you all you need to know.

EverybodyLTB · 28/04/2024 10:19

Get counselling to help you understand why you’re staying in a relationship with a husband who gives you seemingly very little. Then work on why you’ve fallen for the other guy. It may be that he’s wonderful and just the person for you, or it may be that you’re vulnerable to any kindness and affection because you get none of it from your actual partner.

LineMadeByWalking · 28/04/2024 10:22

End your marriage to the gamer. Be single. Change jobs. Consider a relationship with ex-colleague if he ever becomes single.

Ladyprehensile · 28/04/2024 10:28

What you’re not emotionally getting from your married relationship, you’re projecting onto the work guy.

Sort out your marriage, get counselling, divorce or whatever it takes but meanwhile shut down situation with the work chap.

Ass slapping? All sounds a bit juvenile and inappropriate. Stop it.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 28/04/2024 10:33

He is filling in all the emotional gaps that your husband isn't.

Think about what life would be like if this blew up in your face, you would lose your husband and current life.

Personally I would step away from this man and put 100% into your marriage, tell your husband you are missing the emotional connection with him and you are starring to think about leaving him

Go to joint councilling and have a good go of getting things back on track.

loverofbestbuy · 28/04/2024 10:41

Nothing physical but the odd playful bum slap has happened between us

gross

pinkdelight · 28/04/2024 10:44

I think it's really hard when someone has 'been your world since you were 18'. You're still only 32 and having to do big interventions to sort your marriage out. No surprise you're looking around and finding other guys appealing. I don't think it's that you're so in love with work guy or that you love DH so much. I don't think either ticks that many boxes. More that you've had limited romantic experience, your DH takes you for granted (and was older when he got you so probably at a different stage) and this guy at work is an easy distraction (but not a good guy either if he's flirting while in a relationship). I think you've got more love and effort to give than either relationship is worth and you need to have a big think about what you want going forward, because 32 is still young and you're not trapped with kids, so praps draw a line with work guy, see if your marriage is really worth all the effort, and if not, consider your options. If a guy has been your world since 18, you'd need him to make that world so good that it's fulfilling for life. Not that it's ever easy ofc, but it's not fixable if he doesn't step it up.

PrimalLass · 28/04/2024 10:45

LuckyCharmz · 28/04/2024 10:12

Change your job. Don’t tell your husband.

No - change your husband as his lack of attention won't get better.

Seaoftroubles · 28/04/2024 11:20

If you still love your husband and don't want to separate then have an honest talk with him about the rift that's appeared between you, how unhappy you feel and how you can repair your relationship.
I don't advise mentioning the office flirtation at this point but consider marriage counselling to help you reconnect. Shut down contact with your colleague and distance yourself, you know its inappropriate and just a distraction from the attention lacking at home.
You are young and as a pp said you need to examine what you want going forward. If your husband doesn't change his ways or agree to couples counselling you may decide to end your marriage, but don't pin your hopes on this office guy as l think it's very likely you will be disappointed.

YorkshireTeaSemiMilkNoSugar · 28/04/2024 11:28

From someone who has been in this position, and still is to some extent, you need to end your marriage. It won't get better. Mine didn't and, like you, I eventually tried to fill the gaps elsewhere - even though I hadn't set out to do that. OM, for me, wasn't a work colleague but someone I met online, who was in a similar position. We hit it off and eventually met, numerous times. It was him who constantly tried to stop it (he has now and I'm definitely in the friend zone at the moment) but, deep down. I was in the wrong, as was he, and it highlighted massive issues in my marriage - which I ended
immediately on realising what was happening.

Can you talk your feelings through with someone confidentially?

In regret big time getting involved with someone unavailable. It was an emotional whirlwind. He is still in my life 7 years on. Neither can let go. It's an awful situation to be in and wish I'd had the strength to walk away.

Please end your marriage or talk to your husband. He needs to step up. If you still have feelings for him then it may work.

walnutcoffee · 28/04/2024 12:31

What would you feel like if this was your husband doing it with another woman?
Would you want to know or would you rather him keep his mouth shut and you may or may not find out in the long run?

But because you're a woman and this is MN you will be told you were pushed into it because of your husband and you have done nothing wrong and to keep your mouth shut and not to do it again.

walnutcoffee · 28/04/2024 12:35

LuckyCharmz · 28/04/2024 10:12

Change your job. Don’t tell your husband.

Really.
No wonder some women get paranoid when their men go out they think maybe he will do the same.

rainisthebest · 28/04/2024 13:13

Emotional or sexual either way it an affair and wrong and imo your a cheat he would get bashed if it was him.
A marriage is about trust and honesty.
I would be honest with my husband although it would hurt him and end my marriage if i was not happy before id start a relationship (let alone an affair) with anyone.
Rather have sad tears than dishonest ones.
Have some dignity and pride.
And some of the relies makes me think that women cheat more.

Gonna be interesting to see how two face MN can really be.
🍿🍿🍿

Didimum · 28/04/2024 15:01

Gosh, sort yourself out, OP. Stop dressing this up as some sort of wistful, meaningful tryst, you both being dewy eyed and miserable with your longterm relationships. In reality he's just another sleazy scumbag who is playing away at work and then goes home and sleeps with his girlfriend and tells her everything she wants to hear. You're easy-access titilizer for him to get his rocks off. If you're not happy with your husband, get counselling or leave him. This isn't anything special, it's just standard workplace knobbery from both of you.

loverofbestbuy · 28/04/2024 15:09

Didimum · 28/04/2024 15:01

Gosh, sort yourself out, OP. Stop dressing this up as some sort of wistful, meaningful tryst, you both being dewy eyed and miserable with your longterm relationships. In reality he's just another sleazy scumbag who is playing away at work and then goes home and sleeps with his girlfriend and tells her everything she wants to hear. You're easy-access titilizer for him to get his rocks off. If you're not happy with your husband, get counselling or leave him. This isn't anything special, it's just standard workplace knobbery from both of you.

this

AlienMonsters · 28/04/2024 15:15

I feel if you have no children and your relationship sucks, like why are you even staying? If it's for finances would your husband accept an open relationship? If not I would decide between staying loyal and enjoying the finances or leaving him and taking the financial hit so I can meet someone and have a relationship above board.

Your work guy is just a red herring. You're like a starving person eating a mediocre sandwich thinking it's the most amazing food ever. When you were 18 and met your husband you were starving for love too, I would bet.
Your feelings for this work guy are only because you're feeling unloved and bored in your life. Do not destroy your work reputation and be party in destroying his relationship because you want circumstances to decide your life for you. You are in charge of your own life and nobody is chaining you to your husband. You don't even have kids together!!! You've no plans for kids!! You are more free than you realise. Forget the work guy and decide for your own life. If you must change jobs to avoid the distraction so be it.

loverofbestbuy · 28/04/2024 15:19

doesn’t sound like the work colleague has even alluded to planning on telling his partner

And what would he tell her… i’ve been a leach and been inappropriate smacking a colleague on the bum

glitterfairywings · 28/04/2024 21:40

Oh love this is all in your head you need to tell your husband no good comes with lies.
This man at work hes telling you what you want to hear and the same to his partner.
Your a married woman acting like a teenager this is not a romantic book people will get hurt no doubt you will.
Big breath and talk out with the truth if your not happy let your husband go so he can find true love with someone that wont run behind his back or lie to his face.
For them that have said dont tell him thats not the way to go your an adult act like on and take responsibility before this ends in an awful mess.
Your chasing a fantasy and i think work man is using you hes not gonna leave his marriage for you your just someone he knows he can have anytime dont be that person.

retinolalcohol · 28/04/2024 22:19

I think you need to end both relationships, tbh.

The one with your husband because he has already checked out. You're not a priority for him and these things don't tend to get better - he may pull his boots up for a while, but likely will revert back to type. You've started to develop a wandering eye because none of your needs are being met. As soon as he steps one foot out of line, the wandering eye will be back. I know because I've been exactly where you are - with a gamer. It completely eroded any respect or love I felt for him.

The one with your colleague because he's taken. You shouldn't meddle in someone else's relationship - there isn't any justification.

It'll be painful for you but you'll be fine. You're young enough to start again. My sister only met her now husband at your age

retinolalcohol · 28/04/2024 22:23

Also @glitterfairywings is right. The man at work is likely having his cake and eating it too.

You can't assume you mean anything to him. You can't assume that if it wasn't you, it wouldn't just be someone else at work. Some people are just like this - they like to have dalliances on the side for a bit of excitement and escape from the mundane. He's potentially very happy with his wife. They probably still have regular sex. He most likely wouldn't leave her for you.

You only feel this way about him because he's a fantasy - you've only ever seen the glittering, flirty side he chooses to present to you. If you actually knew him, you'd possibly not be interested. Again, take it from me - I ended my unhappy relationship and tried to date the man who caught my eye (never any cross over!)... I was no longer interested after about a week.

SkaneTos · 28/04/2024 22:30

You have been with your husband since you were 18 years old?
You were 18 years old and he was 25 when you became a couple.
Maybe you have both changed in those 14 years?
Your emotional affair with the colleague might be a symptom of something.