Am I having an emotional affair? I'm so lost/confused

[BoPeepsLostSheep]

Hey guys, Just to start off with, I'm looking for advise and not an ear bashing please...I know I'm a horrible human already.

So I (32f) have been with DH (39m) for 14 years, married for 7, no kids and no plans to have them. For a while I have been feeling seriously neglected and ignored by him due to him giving me no attention and playing v.games all the time. It was like i was putting 110% into our marriage and he was putting in 20% if i nagged enough. We had a blow out a few weeks back and put a plan in motion to try and sort things out...he has been really trying to make the effort too.

I have, however, over the last year grown very close to a work colleague. We get on really well and can talk to each other about anything. He is also in a relationship but not a happy one. We do flirt a lot and I know we have crossed the line several times and said things we shouldn't be saying. Nothing physical but the odd playful bum slap has happened between us and we stay away from talking to each other outside of work. I find he just captivates me completely. There has only ever been one other person who has done that to me and that's my husband. It's now gotten to the point where all I do is think about him and when I will speak to him again and I think I have fallen in love with him. He doesn't know this. The idea of completely cutting him off absolutely destroys me. I don't want to give him up, and I would like to at least be friends. At the other end, I do...despite what u may think, love my husband dearly, and this would destroy him. He has been my world since I was 18.

I'm so stuck on how to sort this out. Do I tell my husband? Is it better or worse to tell him? I've turned into the kind of woman i have always loathed, and I hate myself. I never wanted this to happen and never believed that you could be in love with two people, but I apparently can.

I don't have anyone to talk to either. Councilling would raise too many questions also.

This:

“pinkdelight · Today 10:44
I think it's really hard when someone has 'been your world since you were 18'. You're still only 32 and having to do big interventions to sort your marriage out. No surprise you're looking around and finding other guys appealing. I don't think it's that you're so in love with work guy or that you love DH so much. I don't think either ticks that many boxes. More that you've had limited romantic experience, your DH takes you for granted (and was older when he got you so probably at a different stage) and this guy at work is an easy distraction (but not a good guy either if he's flirting while in a relationship). I think you've got more love and effort to give than either relationship is worth and you need to have a big think about what you want going forward, because 32 is still young and you're not trapped with kids, so praps draw a line with work guy, see if your marriage is really worth all the effort, and if not, consider your options. If a guy has been your world since 18, you'd need him to make that world so good that it's fulfilling for life. Not that it's ever easy ofc, but it's not fixable if he doesn't step it up.”

It sounds a bit as of you and DH may be staying together out of habit more than anything else but you hopefully have many more decades of life ahead of you and it’s not obvious that you would want to spend them with your DH.

I was going through a whole lot of crap in my marriage and a kind soul stepped up at work and became my friend. Too good a friend, I liked him too much. I transferred away. I carried on in my marriage but it was already a disaster so that's over too.

I agree, sometimes someone comes along to fill a need in you and your mind turns to blancmange. Best to distance yourself and regroup.

Oh man I missed the age gap, sorry but in that case is it possible that your H was always a bit low effort and went for a younger woman who wouldn’t have such high standards as one his own age, less experience etc?

I agree with this.

I don't think you are in love with this man, you are probably a bit infatuated with the side of him you know. But you don't actually know him really. Only the side he presents to you at work, perhaps the reason his own relationship is bad is his doing.

I have been here before (although I was single, and 18 at the time). Thought I was head over heels with a guy at work - nothing physical happened (not even a butt slap thank goodness!). In hindsight I look back and think what an idiot I was, he was never really into me, just liked the attention it got him at work.

The best thing I ever did was left the job and cut all contact. At the time I couldn't imagine I could ever do this, but funnily enough once I left the job I heard very little from him so I guess he pushed my hand.

You need to stop the messing around and focus on what you feel you are getting from this you aren't from your marriage. Then consider if you can get that from your marriage. Work on your marriage or work towards being single (especially if you have been with your husband since you were 18)z

In answer to your thread title, yes, it is an emotional affair.

Tell your husband that you are in love with another man, figure out whether the pair of you want to work at your marriage and stay together, or get divorced.

You should stop cheating on him.