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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend's mum doesn’t like me because I was previously in an abusive marriage, she’s told him I’m trouble. [Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

30 replies

Babybathseat · 27/04/2024 20:50

I’m wrong I just want to get it out in the open for reading a msg on his phone. I knew she didn’t like me in that I could sense it. She said that he could do better and I’m absolutely devastated.

We have been together over 4 years. How do you deal with people who don’t like you? Nothing bad has happened between me and him for her to feel that way she just thinks I’m not good enough really for him.

Im not sure what’s going to happen now.

OP posts:
MissingMoominMamma · 27/04/2024 20:51

His partner?

LineMadeByWalking · 27/04/2024 20:51

Why does your boyfriend have a partner?

IMustDoMoreExercise · 27/04/2024 20:51

Do you mean his ex-partner?

Starbugg · 27/04/2024 20:51

Your boyfriend’s partner? Which one of you is the other woman?

Original poster
Babybathseat · 27/04/2024 20:52

Oh no that was meant to say parent but autocorrect changed it.

OP posts:
PrincessOfPreschool · 27/04/2024 20:54

LineMadeByWalking · 27/04/2024 20:51

Why does your boyfriend have a partner?

That's what I'm wondering!

Is she his ex? In which case: a. Why is she offering relationship advice and b. Why do you care?

If she's his business partner, why is it any of her business? Hopefully he put her in her place. If not you have a boyfriend problem not a partner problem.

DoreenonTill8 · 27/04/2024 20:55

Why not just say mum?

Original poster
Babybathseat · 27/04/2024 20:57

I’ve no idea. I wrote it quickly whist my baby was crying. I should have said mum.

OP posts:
Angeldelight50 · 27/04/2024 20:58

That’s very upsetting OP, and very misogynistic of her to assume you must have brought the abuse on yourself by being a troublemaker. Does she worry you will do something to cause her son to get violent? All very troubling and victim blaming.

The important thing here is, how did he reply to her messages?

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2024 21:00

You looked on his phone and saw a message from his mum saying she doesn’t think you’re good enough for him, is that right? You knew she didn’t like you but nothing has happened that would make her feel that way so you think it’s because of your previous relationship.

What impact is her opinion having on your relationship? Do you feel happy, secure, supported with him? That’s more important than what his mother thinks.

CountingCrones · 27/04/2024 21:00

Ok, so his mum.

For some, no one will be good enough. Whatever baggage someone has will be a reason they don’t deserve their darling child. In those cases it’s not you, it’s any person who isn’t the golden god/dess their offspring should be with.

It might be a personality clash, it might be something else entirely, but it could well just be that no one will measure up.

Saying that, why are you checking your boyfriend’s messages? That’s not on.

Branster · 27/04/2024 21:00

You mean his mother? Why not say 'mother'?!

She probably has a feeling about you and there's something she doesn't like in you. And is protective of her son.

Or she is a bit of a snob and looks down on you and is interfering in her adult son's life.

Nothing you can do about either of the above.
Your partner has his own mind and is with you because he wants to.
Be weary of the mother and just keep it polite. You don't have to be best buddies with her. She can't be that horrible if she raised a man you love.

LineMadeByWalking · 27/04/2024 21:03

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2024 21:00

You looked on his phone and saw a message from his mum saying she doesn’t think you’re good enough for him, is that right? You knew she didn’t like you but nothing has happened that would make her feel that way so you think it’s because of your previous relationship.

What impact is her opinion having on your relationship? Do you feel happy, secure, supported with him? That’s more important than what his mother thinks.

This. I’ve been with DH for more than 30 years, and my MIL has never much liked me, and had a very different type of wife in mind for her favourite son. I’m quite fond of her, nonetheless — she’s tactless, unimaginative and is completely unable to grasp different ways of living, but it’s not her fault. Her opinion isn’t that important to me. We both know I’m not going anywhere, and DH was never going to marry a SAHM who was always dropping round for tea and going to Bingo and the supermarket with her.

Pinkbonbon · 27/04/2024 21:04

No signs of abuse from your current partner?

Just worried that if it's HIM telling you his mum doesn't like you then that could be part of abuse to make you feel insecure. Maybe he's making you out to be a bad egg to her too.

Also, it's been 4 years so ge should be telling his mum 'don't talk about my partner like that'. If he's doing nothing (and potentially stirring the pot) then he's a coward and it's him that's not good enough for you.

Don't date losers who let people be hurtful towards you.

Angeldelight50 · 27/04/2024 21:06

Branster · 27/04/2024 21:00

You mean his mother? Why not say 'mother'?!

She probably has a feeling about you and there's something she doesn't like in you. And is protective of her son.

Or she is a bit of a snob and looks down on you and is interfering in her adult son's life.

Nothing you can do about either of the above.
Your partner has his own mind and is with you because he wants to.
Be weary of the mother and just keep it polite. You don't have to be best buddies with her. She can't be that horrible if she raised a man you love.

You don’t think it’s ‘that horrible’ to be filling your sons head with negative feelings toward his partner, who he has (I’m assuming) just had a baby with?

Original poster
Babybathseat · 27/04/2024 21:16

I only looked very briefly because I knew it was wrong. I didn’t get so far as to read the conversation. I’ve had a conversation not long ago to my bf/partner (we aren’t married) about the fact I don’t think your mum likes me. I’ve asked his option so I think he’s asking his mum what’s up. She says things to me constantly behind his back about me not behaving in a way she thinks I should. For example he needs to get some rest, some shut eye not me. But I’m the one up all night with the baby. I should be doing this and that. I’m just not good enough so I thought I’d see if she speaking about me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Babybathseat · 27/04/2024 21:25

@Pinkbonbon no signs of abuse at all. He is very sweet and soft natured. The mum is really quite hard and non emotional. She’s isn’t exactly supportive of him either. It’s strange.

OP posts:
Angeldelight50 · 27/04/2024 21:31

Babybathseat · 27/04/2024 21:16

I only looked very briefly because I knew it was wrong. I didn’t get so far as to read the conversation. I’ve had a conversation not long ago to my bf/partner (we aren’t married) about the fact I don’t think your mum likes me. I’ve asked his option so I think he’s asking his mum what’s up. She says things to me constantly behind his back about me not behaving in a way she thinks I should. For example he needs to get some rest, some shut eye not me. But I’m the one up all night with the baby. I should be doing this and that. I’m just not good enough so I thought I’d see if she speaking about me.

You really need to call this out OP. Next time she makes a comment, call DP into the room and ask him what he thinks about it. Leave him to deal with it.

Realistically, you’ve been together for 4 years and have a child, if she hasn’t warmed to you by now, she isn’t going to. That doesn’t mean you have to put up with it, you’re in a relationship with her son, not her. Pull her up on her behaviour and if nothing changes, go NC.

Pinkbonbon · 27/04/2024 21:45

Sounds like she's a jealous person who diedbr like to see other people happy.

But your partner still needs to call out any of her behaviour towards you. Absolutely agree that next time she stays something nasty you need to call in your partner and have him deal with it. Let him know in advance that you will call her out every time in future and expect him not only to support it, but to take the lead on challenging her.

If its your house, you can also just say 'Jane, I don't like how you've just spoken to me, so I'd like you to leave. You may return when you've apologised'. But you need to make sure your partner is 100% of board.

Original poster
Babybathseat · 27/04/2024 22:10

She never comes over to us @Pinkbonbon so no chance of that at least.

OP posts:
TheIceQween · 27/04/2024 22:16

You have to ask yourself why she feels comfortable talking about you in this way to your partner

Pinkbonbon · 27/04/2024 22:18

Ah, small mercies then.

In that case I think id have as little to do with her as possible.

The only issue is, you need to make sure your relationship remains healthy. That you for example, never go to bed angry with eachother.

Because people like her are like weeds...they find any cracks and grow in them.

Theunamedcat · 27/04/2024 22:19

DoreenonTill8 · 27/04/2024 20:55

Why not just say mum?

My autocorrect has been known to change mum to murder that was an eventful text exchange

Original poster
Babybathseat · 27/04/2024 22:29

@Pinkbonbon oh yes to that. She picks at everything. I can see her trying to make little rifts all the time. She comments about everything trying to highlight our
differences. I do worry that if I push too much this will cause a rift because he does love his mum.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 27/04/2024 22:43

I would just sit him down for a chat and try come to an agreement that you are both careful what you share with her in future as it appears she can be a bit of a shit stirrer.

It reminds me of a YouTube clip o say where a guy was saying, when he and his wife fall out, if he talks to someone about it, he makes sure it's someone who he knows loves his wife and will fight her corner. Because he wants to grow closer to her, not disparage her.