Am I overthinking this, or is this weird?!

[perplexedandbemused]

My half-sister is just under a decade older than me. We've never been particularly close, and she would often go quiet on me for ages then things would pick up again with no explanations as to why. She's a very forceful and powerful woman, in the past when I've questioned the behaviour it hasn't been a pleasant experience so I took to just going with the flow and trying not to overthink it. Over the last 20 years when I was in her neck of the woods I'd pop in and see her or would factor her into my plans if she was free, but would find out from others that she regularly came to my town and didn't reach out.

Over the last 10 years this changed. She really gets on with my OH, and I think that's helped our relationship. She's travelled up to see us, made efforts for the kids birthdays etc. In that time I've told her how much I value being part of her life and how much it made me sad previously when we had little to no relationship.

Prior to the story below I last saw her in 2022. I've text her for various reasons, but in early 2023 she stopped responding to me outside of family chats. I had text her 5 or 6 times (about separate things over a few months) without a response. By mid 2023 she also stopped replying to me in the group chats but would respond to others. I know from others she's been having a tough time, trying not to be demanding or rock the boat.

Last weekend I was in her town and bumped into her and her partner shopping. I needed one item from one shop. She was all surprised to see me, but seemed happy, introduced me to a friend as her 'baby sister'. I spent time with them going in and out of places, but when we reached my shop rather than coming in with me for a moment she said 'Okay then well it's been lovely catching up!' and hugged me goodbye and left.

I'm just really baffled by the whole experience.

We're all meant to be renting a big house together this Christmas (18 of us) and I've not been wanting to go as it's felt so awkward and I've assumed she wasn't speaking to me. But now after that I'm wondering if I've made it awkward in my own brain but in her brain everything is fine and we're just sisters who don't speak often.

Is it just me? I feel like had we not had all those d&m's about lost years etc then maybe it would be more palatable. But it feels weird!!!

So you're not particularly close, you haven't really been in touch for a good while, but when you coincidentally bumped into each other she was ordinarily polite and friendly, whilst not prolonging the encounter?

Doesn't seem weird to me at all really. You've obviously had periods in your lives where you've been closer, but she's now being clear that she wants to keep your relationship more cordial than close.

I've found that if things have been a bit awkward with someone in the past I sometimes over analyse every comment and encounter and try to find some hidden/negative message in it. Do you think that could be the case here?

It's obviously never going to be 100% smooth with her but if you can rub along ok-ish then perhaps that's enough.

@shepherdsangeldelight Thanks for this. I'm really REALLY crap at reading between the lines of what other people find normal so it's helpful when someone explains it plainly. She's not made it clear to me at all, clear is telling someone plainly. But that's not what the norm is as people don't like awkwardness, which I understand. I just personally find being ghosted (I think this is the term) by someone more awkward.

I guess it's that she's the one making us not close, she's the one who stopped contact, When I saw her I sort of half waved and started to continue walking but she ran over to greet me with a huge hug and was being all lovely telling people who I was etc. The two things don't feel in sync. If you're not wanting a relationship...fine, but then acting like we're besties when we bump into one another feels odd.

It's also her household being the driving force behind 'all the families going away for Christmas'. If someone doesn't talk to me for a year it feels weird to be polite when/if you see them in person, and even weirder to be expected to do a trip away with them!

I'd assume she sees you as family but not someone she is close to. She wants to see you at Christmas as part of the family group but doesn't feel the need for a separate relationship from that.

@Churchview yes definitely guilty of that. Plus telling myself I must have done or said something for her not to want me in her life. Honestly I'm so happy with my life. If she doesn't want to be in it then I wish her well. It would be fine to just be people who happen to be related but aren't in touch, which is where I thought we were. But this encounter, and the weird Christmas suggestion which was communicated via our mother despite it being my sisters idea, has totally baffled me.

@ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst That seems sensible, thank you. As I said to @shepherdsangeldelight a lot of these things which seem clear to others go over my head so it's helpful to have someone share their view.

I have a very linear view of what it means to be family, which is weird considering I'm from a very non standard family set up. I just assume people would only want to spend time with those they want a relationship with. Time feels very precious, money too!

If it helps, I don't really talk to my brothers for months. We occassionally send each other a message which might get a response or it might not. We try to meet up once a year (often as part of a broader family gathering) and we are pleased to see each other. But you can be pleased to see someone once a year without wanting to be best pals or have a closer relationship. I suspect your relationship with your sister is a bit odd because you are thinking the relationship is closer than your sister thinks it is.

it's a bit like the case where you bump into an old friend, you have a good chat, and you both say "we must meet for coffee sometime" and then you never do. Doesn't mean you don't like each other, just that the relationship "works" at the level it is.

@shepherdsangeldelight that does help, thanks!! I'm surrounded by people who live a few streets from their siblings, or go on camping trips a few times a year, or all meet at their parents house etc. Or even people who live on opposite sides of the world but meet in the middle every other year or so. My family isn't like that and it makes me sad.

I've never once said 'we should meet up' unless I intend to meet up with that person. I always follow it up with ideas for times when we could meet up, which sometimes happens and sometimes doesn't. I'd far rather people set my expectations and said "lovely to catch up, let's continue to live our own lives and perhaps one day we'll meet again!" 😂 or didnt say anything, that would also be okay! But I've learned that's one of those societal rules that people say the thing but don't really mean the thing.

My guess would be she's told great whopping lies with bells on to people around her/a partner. And she knows you put her at risk of being exposed.

You're overthinking this. Just accept the relationship for what it is (a distant but cordial one) rather than trying to analyse everything.

That is a really strange assumption.

@DrJonesIpresume I am trying. I wish I was someone who could just go with the flow, but I like to understand things.

How would you handle the big trip away in December? It's the first time my family have suggested going away together at that time of year, and the second time in a decade there's been an attempt that we all spend the time together. It's very much expected that my household will attend, and if I decline I will need to justify why. Before last week I was going to say 'honestly we've not spoken in over a year so I just feel uncomfortable spending that time with you, your children and their partners', but can't really say that now.

I'm just not sure why people who want to be distant and cordial are bothering to play happy families for the holidays.

I haven't spoken to some of my relatives for longer than that, but we get along just fine at big gatherings on the rare occasions we meet.

If you really don't want to attend this big family gathering instigated by your half sister, and also feel that she is insincere and has deliberately sidelined you in the past then don't feel you have to go. It doesn't matter what others think, just do what's right for you and your family.

This is so insightful. Doesn't work for me at all, but it's helpful to see that for some people this is normal.

I find it so awkward to make small talk with people. The conversation rarely flows at family gatherings, I assume because we're not in each others day to day lives but know enough of the headlines to not need to ask the big questions.

I would just go to the family gathering and enjoy getting to know everyone - including her. She is the one not answering texts - maybe she had other things on her mind. She could answer, but she has other priorities. It's a bit sad for you both, really. But it's her choice and it definitely sounds as if you haven't done anything wrong but she wants to keep it a casual relationship.
I am wondering how she felt as a nine-year-old when her DPs had split and then you came along? Not your fault, or hers for feeling maybe a bit left out, or resentful, but maybe an explanation of why she is a bit flaky now.

Thank you. I'm getting to that point tbh. Since moving out at 18 I've made loads of effort to keep my family (parent and siblings) together and connected but I'm the only one doing it. The rest seem to drift along, then moan about the fact they never hear from or see each other. I didn't want to be the one being moaned about or causing upset so have always made the effort.

My brother is useless with his phone so that's a very one sided relationship, and now this situation with my sister. For a good few years if i had a birthday I asked to see people rather than have presents. When that proved too much I asked for phone calls. When that also didn't happen I just stopped asking until I had children when I tried again for them. Had this idea that family is important for children, different influences and all that. But this most recent time when things have gone quiet I'm just so tired of being the only one trying.

Think focussing on our household and leaving the rest to it would be beneficial for me. But also then need to process the guilt that it will essentially mean my children have no relationship with their aunt. In that vein it feels so much easier for it to be black and white...(Ie we're not speaking or we speak regularly), rather than this random grey area where we don't speak for years but then are expected to drop everything and spend a grand on hanging out together at Christmas.

Bleugh.

Love your username!

She definitely holds resentment from that time. About 25 years ago she said I ruined her life. I still don't understand how as the divorce happened about 6 years before I appeared. But yes, definitely underlying resentment.

Again, I was fine with all of this until the last few years when she's started being a more stereotypical sister and all was lovely. The ups and downs are hard for me to follow.

OP lt sounds stressful trying to maintain a relationship with your brother and sister. They are both lack lustre in their efforts and it's causing you unnecessary anxiety. I think you should take a step back and match their energy in terms of contact. Let them get in touch with you for a change.
I wouldn't go to the gathering, say you have other plans and don't explain further.I don't suppose your children will care about having a relationship with their self absorbed Aunt, there's no need at all for you to feel guilty.

Yup in a nutshell what I decided last year, but the tone of this recent encounter and the invite threw me into a spiral. But I suspect you're very right. Thank you for taking the time to do all this reading and comment.

I would say that the level of friendliness when you bumped into her was either a show for her friend or partner, or given as encouragement for you to say yes to the invitation.
Are the other family members invited closer to you or her? Are they from her fathers side or yours or both, or maybe from mothers side so joint?
People have busy lives and their own plans, especially over xmas, so while its a nice idea to get extended family gathered together, in practice you can expect that many would be unavaulable. I would think , therefore, that you won't be the only ones to turn it down. If she blows hot and cold depending on how her life is going then its not about you, more about her, so don't overthink.
I'd base my interest in going around who else would be there, if you'd like to see the other members going, maybe that's a good enough reason.

Honestly, OP, you sound as if your thinking on family relationships is very black and white. It’s really not necessary to have a close relationship to find it genuinely pleasant to bump into someone accidentally, or to spend an occasion together in a big group. I get that you’re disconcerted because you find her behaviour inconsistent, but it sounds to me as if you’re always thinking ‘But I would do x in this situation, so why is she doing y?’

I mean, if I knew someone was heading to a certain shop for something, it wouldn’t occur to me to accompany them inside — in their shoes, I would want to concentrate on my shopping. Neither do I think it’s in any way falsely ‘playing happy families’ to organise a big Christmas as a one-off. But obviously, if the relationship with your half-sister is causing you distress, or the prospect of Christmas is awful in your eyes, disengage and don’t attend. But otherwise, as a pp said, I would just accept it as a distant but perfectly friendly situation.

Sounds super simple, but have u just tried calling her and being honest and ask how she feels and if you have hurt her feelings. Saying u miss her ect.
sending texts isn’t always the best way to keep a relationship going.

give her a call, u can guage her reaction then and if she is nah it’s fine. Just try to move on from making the relationship into something it isn’t. It’s hard with family and we tend to try and shape the relationships into what we want but arnt naturally there
x

PPs may have mentioned this, but the thing I find the most odd is that she introduced you to a friend as her "baby sitter"...

Why not sister, or half sister?

It's that denial of familial relationships that feels weird (plenty of siblings have distant but cordial relationships, but don't lie to other people about the nature of the relationship).

We're all meant to be renting a big house together this Christmas (18 of us) and I've not been wanting to go
Why does meeting family have to involve an expensive rental? Can't you meet up for the day at somebody's house, like most families do.
As PP said, I think that it's for show. She pretended in front of her BF that you were happy families. She wants you to help finance an expensive and fancy "holiday retreat" (has she watched too many Vrbo adverts?).
Stick to your own unit. Don't incur expense for people who don't bother with you for the other 364 days of the year. Think of all the DC presents you could buy with that money!