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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boss is sexting me..

49 replies

Twinmum202020 · 27/04/2024 10:34

cut a long story short.. I started a new job 5 weeks ago. My supervisor is lovely but I could tell from the off he liked me.
we get on well but he’s started texting me some inappropriate messages and I have tried not to lead him on but I also don’t want to ignore him as I work with him. The messages are quite flirty. I have also found out that he is in a long term relationship with a girl in our department.. The woman who interviewed me. I am so anxious about the whole situation, I love my job and don’t want to jeopardise it in anyway. But I also don’t want to make things awkward with my supervisor. How do I get myself out of this situation??

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 27/04/2024 10:46

Simple surely, if you are attatched, tell him you are, if not, make out you are. If he already knows you are single, go into work after a weekend gushing about a new fella. Keep the texts as evidence, if he doesn't stop, take it to HR.
Do not flirt back or engage, point out where he is being inappropriate. You are happy elsewhere, so not interested.

fluffiphlox · 27/04/2024 10:47

Tell him to stop.
If he doesn’t, go to his manager. If no joy there, go to HR.

W0rkerBee · 27/04/2024 10:50

Geez, no doubt you'll be let go at the point of passing probation /being let go.

Keep those texts. Do not respond to them.

DreamyMintFish · 27/04/2024 10:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/04/2024 10:58

Please stop texting me anything that isn’t work related. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

DrJoanAllenby · 27/04/2024 11:05

Is there any work related reason for him to text or call you?

If not then block him .

If there is, don't reply to any non work related texts he sends you.

If he persists, go to someone higher than him and show them.

DrJoanAllenby · 27/04/2024 11:05

I meant to put that you ask him to stop before going to someone higher than him.

MalbecandToast · 27/04/2024 11:07

How grim! Firmly tell him that you want a strictly professional relationship and don't respond to his messages. Definitely screenshot and save them though in case you need them.

PinkArt · 27/04/2024 11:40

Sexting involves (at least) two consensual parties. When just one person is doing it it's sexual harassment - if you need to report it then make sure your language makes it super clear that this is unwanted on your part.

SuperSange · 27/04/2024 11:52

He shouldn't really have your number; I'd not respond at all, screenshot the messages and keep them to give to HR.

Notimeforaname · 27/04/2024 11:54

Have you been responding?

You'll have to tell him you are uncomfortable with the messages and they have to stop.

Original poster
Twinmum202020 · 27/04/2024 12:22

Notimeforaname · 27/04/2024 11:54

Have you been responding?

You'll have to tell him you are uncomfortable with the messages and they have to stop.

I have responded but in a jokey way laughing it off. I don’t want to come across like cow and tell him to back off as I still have to go and work (closely) with him Monday to Friday. I don’t want an awkward atmosphere which is also why I wouldn’t take it to HR as I hate conflict and causing drama. I just want to be able to get on with him and have a laugh without him trying it on 🫣

OP posts:
Radiatorvalves · 27/04/2024 12:31

We had a situation like this at work which went on for over a year. I don’t know how big your company is, but I would expect any reputable company to hold a disciplinary and for him to get a final written warning or be fired depending on how bad the sexting is.

This stuff tends to escalate. Either tell him to stop or go to HR.

PostHummus · 27/04/2024 12:40

OP, female socialisation is causing you not to want to cause a problem, whereas in reality, he's the one overstepping professional boundaries and causing the problem.

I'd reply saying Please don't contact me again about non-work related matters, and then I'd escalate it within the company if it continues.

Uricon2 · 27/04/2024 12:45

Twinmum202020 · 27/04/2024 12:22

I have responded but in a jokey way laughing it off. I don’t want to come across like cow and tell him to back off as I still have to go and work (closely) with him Monday to Friday. I don’t want an awkward atmosphere which is also why I wouldn’t take it to HR as I hate conflict and causing drama. I just want to be able to get on with him and have a laugh without him trying it on 🫣

Show quote history

This isn't going to work I'm afraid, someone who wanted to be "able to get on with you" would not have started sexual harrasment from the get go.

Save everything he sends, tell him clearly-once- by text that you want him to keep contact to work matters, do not respond at all to anything inappropriate and if it continues, you really have little choice but to go to HR. You won't be causing "drama" and "conflict" by doing this, he has by his behaviour.

MichaelatheMechanic · 27/04/2024 13:08

Don't joke about it or minimise if you reply. Just ask to him to stop and tell him that if he doesn't then you will be going to HR to report it as it is unprofessional and making you feel very uncomfortable. Stick to your guns on this threat if he persists. He needs a short sharp shock I'm afraid.

If he then starts making life difficult for you I'm afraid I would report him anyway.

Always make sure any reporting is on email. I have a friend who had something similar with her boss except touched her in the car completely out of the blue on the way back from a business trip. It was actually sexually assault but as she liked him as a person and he had just had his first baby forgave him for the moment of madness. Long story short she spoke to HR and they agreed for her to move to a different site. Fast forward a couple of years and she found out that he was due to move to her work location. She spoke to HR about her concerns and found out that it had been logged on her file that they had an affair hence the reason for her moving. Honestly, you couldn't make it up. Get anything in writing and check what they hold on file if you need to report. HR works for the company not the staff.

DatingDinosaur · 27/04/2024 14:15

Personally, I would ignore any flirty messages and only respond to work related ones in a professional and work related manner.

He will know exactly what you're doing and why. He won't challenge it because he knows it could jeopardise HIS job - he doesn't know that you won't put a sexual harassment claim in against him if he carries on.

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/04/2024 14:20

I think you should stop responding altogether. You are trying to be too nice to this utter creep. He will sell you down the river if he has to so don't think he has any loyalty to you. Look how confident he is, sending you messages when his girlfriend was the one who hired you.

Think of your career. Don't let him ruin it.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 27/04/2024 14:26

Say, 'no thank you' loudly in his face and walk away smiling.

Planesmistakenforstars · 27/04/2024 18:06

I just want to be able to get on with him and have a laugh without him trying it on

This won't work with someone who is sexually harassing you. He is relying on exactly this to get away with it. He knows what he's doing. If you don't want to report it, then ignore absolutely everything that isn't work related and only respond about work stuff, and do it in a factual/dry way.
Keep all the messages.

UtterlyButterly2048 · 27/04/2024 18:22

I’ve worked almost solely with men my entire career and this shit is entirely common. Best way to deal with it? A quiet word in his ear “please stop with the sad pervy messages, you are making yourself look a right dick. I’m sure you don’t want me to discuss this with your other half so let’s leave it there shall we”. Works every time. They go back to being politely professional and I am able to get on with my job. I’m more senior now, so they wouldn’t dare, but I had to do this a fair few times in my more junior roles.

CottonbudQueen · 27/04/2024 18:28

Opentooffers · 27/04/2024 10:46

Simple surely, if you are attatched, tell him you are, if not, make out you are. If he already knows you are single, go into work after a weekend gushing about a new fella. Keep the texts as evidence, if he doesn't stop, take it to HR.
Do not flirt back or engage, point out where he is being inappropriate. You are happy elsewhere, so not interested.

THIS ! OP said that she loves her job so his ego will be crushed, he'll lose his job and his gf will make OPs life very uncomfortable if she reports it. I agree with @Opentooffers Tell him your bf found the message and is really very angry and is threatening to report. Job done.

notalot12 · 28/04/2024 02:36

Tell him you’re back with your ex so the flirting needs to stop now and any flirty messages you won’t be responding to. You can say this in a way without it causing conflict. But obviously if he carries on then you’ll need a different approach.

MariaVT65 · 28/04/2024 02:42

Op please get some self respect and report him to HR. Why are you ok with being sexually harrassed ffs? Literally what this is.

As a bare minimum, send him a clear text explicitly asking for the flirtatious messages to stop as you are uncomfortable (lie about having a boyfriend if you need to). Keep a copy of all messages and then report to HR.

He must have a massive ego or be thinking with his dick to think he won’t get in trouble.

Gowlett · 28/04/2024 02:45

Had this loads with men at work. Easier to ignore if you don’t fancy him. Just switch your texting to neutral, phase it out. He’ll get the message (or not, as it were). He might not like it, though. If he’s a total dickhead he might make your life hard.