My boss is sexting me..

[Twinmum202020]

cut a long story short.. I started a new job 5 weeks ago. My supervisor is lovely but I could tell from the off he liked me.
we get on well but he’s started texting me some inappropriate messages and I have tried not to lead him on but I also don’t want to ignore him as I work with him. The messages are quite flirty. I have also found out that he is in a long term relationship with a girl in our department.. The woman who interviewed me. I am so anxious about the whole situation, I love my job and don’t want to jeopardise it in anyway. But I also don’t want to make things awkward with my supervisor. How do I get myself out of this situation??

You should report it to HR. It will get worse if you don't stop it or he may get aggressive/unfair at work if he feels rejected. I don't see another way out without exposing you to further harrassment.

I agree with phasing out as a non confrontational first step. Just stop replying or keep it minimal. Second step is messaging “hey can we keep our contact more about work if possible”

In your situation I'd be looking for a new job. No way would I be prepared to put up with unprofessional behaviour like that. You have very few rights if you've only worked there a few weeks.

Get out while you can, before things get messy and uncomfortable. If he can behave like that and is having inappropriate relationships with staff that's abuse of power and a bunch of very big 🚩 🚩 🚩

And doing anything "in a jokey way" is pandering to him, which he'll pick up in. You don't need to be jokey, what he's done is very wrong and you shouldn't have to watch what you say.

Why should she have to make up a man to protect herself from unwanted advances from another?

You really need to stand up for yourself and ensure he doesn't do this to anyone else.

The only way to do that is by asking him firmly yo stop, and if he doesn't, go to HR.

Tell him face to face I would like profession texts only, please.
If it continues then seek Hr help.
Being over familiar so soon only appears he is going to let it escalate then will you be willing to ignore it.
Come on! Help the rest of us who actually stand for none of this crap.

Can't believe you call a sexually harassing POS "lovely."

I have zero sympathy for you OP if you're 'responding in a jokey way'. That could easily be confused with encouraging him to continue.

1. Respond to the texts asking him to only text you on items relating to work as the previous contact has been unwanted.
2. Save all the messages including your own. You need proof that you asked him to stop and you need to be clear to him that you are not OK with the content of his messages.
3. If he continues after you have asked him to stop, contact HR.
4. If he changes towards you in a way that makes doing your job harder or uncomfortable, contact HR.
5. If he continues the sexual harassment in person go straight to HR.

I had a situation like this when I was very young (19) and the manager was in his 30s. Like a previous poster my complaint was not taken seriously and it became company gossip that we had had an affair when he had instead been sexually harassing me. I left after 3 months to go to Uni but was seen as a scorned woman until then.

You need to seriously unlearn some ‘pleaser’ behaviour.
He is being more than unprofessional. He is being a sexual creep and trying to erode your boundaries. He senses you are too nice and too polite to confront or report him. He likes the power that gives him and he likes the control he has. He is not a good man and he deserves to be OUT OF WORK.
If you say ‘I don’t like the texts it makes me uncomfortable’ and he (pretends to) feels bad or seems hurt and embarrassed then GOOD. If you don’t he will continue because he’s NOT A NICE MAN.
If you don’t feel able to say that then you must work on your boundaries. He is jeopardising your happiness and your career and HE KNOWS THIS and he is doing it anyway. He’s a grade A prick.

Just to add, it was not taken seriously as everything had happened in person and I had no proof that I had not encouraged him. My smiling attempts to brush him off were seen as me not minding.

I was protected to some extent by other women in my department (supermarket). But they were not comsulted when I finally complained.

He’s spotted you as someone with no boundaries and a desperate need to keep the peace.

next time he messages respond with

i’m sorry, I am not looking for want relationship other than a strictly professional one. Please stop messaging me.

and if he carries on go to HR. You may love your job but there is going to be no good end to this if you aren’t firm and go to HR if he doesn’t back off

@Twinmum202020
Hey, it's not you, it's him.
Can you give us an example of a text he sent? So we can help you compose a polite reply?
The least I would send is a text saying...#MeToo

Is he really "sexting" you or did you call it that for click bait? The way you describe it sounds like flirty messages, which are inappropriate but not awful, but "sexting" implies sexually explicit messages - which is it?

Thanks for all the responses.
I have stopped replying to him and will have a quiet word with him tomorrow morning. I know it will just get worse if I continue to be “nice” about it. Hopefully he gets the message 🙏

Urgh how horrible, keep all the texts, tell him you're not interested and can he please stop texting and if he doesn't take it to HR with the texts as evidence

Don't have a quiet word with him, send a text and keep copies of everything. Read CircleofWillis's post and follow her advice. You need to handle this in a certain way.

this

Good for you OP. It's hard as a people pleaser who avoids conflict to do this. And it's sad that as women we can't just be open and friendly and get the same back without ulterior motives from men, especially at work. But too many of them are like this for the world to work that way.

Again, a woman can be single and not want unwanted attention. No male rival (whether real or made up) is needed to make the point.

Don't engage with him. Just be polite and tell him that you are in a relationship and the texts are causing issues at home. If he continues, go to HR. But do keep the text messages as proof.

Don’t have a quiet word, put it in writing over text that you want the texts to stop. You need evidence and men like him won’t listen to a quiet word

Or not in a relationship, but the texts are an issue in themselves, full stop.

Laughing it off will just make him think you find it funny. You really can't go through life appeasing sleazy men, it will cause you more trouble.
Personally, I wouldn't like to be sexted by someone even if I fancied them, it would put me off them, not my thing at all.