Relationship at breaking point after second baby

[Dgxx]

I have been with my husband 16 years and married for 5. We have two children together and almost 3 year old and 5 month old. The last 5 months have completely defeated us as a couple. I don't think we realised how much a second child would put a strain on our marriage. After our first child we were gge best we ever were so this came as a shock. We have neglected each other and we are worried it's passed the point of fixing. Sex isn't an issue and arguing isn't either I almost wish it was because that we could try fix. I worry that we have just drifted apart so much, there is this awful weird atmosphere I can't explain it's always there. I just feel alone like we have become different people. When do I give up? The thought of not being with my husband tears me up but I fear we have both given up. When I talk to my husband about trying and fighting for things he keeps saying but can it be fixed though which makes me think he's shut down nd is only here for the kids.

I just feel like i need some advice or experiences of others, thanks.

Are you having any time together as a couple, rather than mum and dad?
Do you get any time to do your own thing, like gym etc?
Are you working/going back to work?
How is all the housework/garden/childcare split?

Look, I really hate it when posters immediately jump on the ‘other woman’ theory, but you’ve been together 16yrs and have two children, presumably have a mortgage/rent together – and your husband seems not to care at all whether your marriage can be saved? That coupled with the ‘weird atmosphere’ makes me think his head has been turned.

Sex isn't an issue and you don't argue? Where is the atmosphere coming from, him or you? 5 months is a quick timeframe to go from happy to splitting up. People just don't give up that quickly in marriage unless someone else is involved. If its the marriage that is miserable, its usually years tollerated before the end. Also, if it is nearing an end, how can your sex life not have changed? That does not make sense?

It’s only been 5 months! I believe you that it’s been a trying time but it’s not clear exactly what the issues are, especially if you’re not arguing. What possibly can’t be fixed after such a short time? Why is either one of you talking about splitting up? You’ve got two very young children, things may be a bit crap but if there’s no abuse you owe it to all four of you to chill out a bit and try and reconnect. How are you otherwise? Do you feel you might be depressed?

Thanks for replying. We have very little time together it tends to be when my husband gets home from work I go out for an hour or have a coffee and time alone and then when the kids are in bed he goes to the gym and I sleep as my kids wake early. I am back to work in September. My husband is very good with things around the house in fairness he probably does more that side of things.

To be honest I initiated the splitting up talk but as more of a if we don't get our act together we will end up splitting. I have asked him to be more affectionate as I really feel like he doesn't give a crap about me lately. He is addicted to the gym goes 7 days a week and i feel he always puts that before me. I have in the last few days said I feel we owe it to ourselves to try because we've put too much into this relationship not to but he keeps saying he's not sure of it can be resolved. Tbh I feel we are both in a bit of a funk I have quite bad anxiety and he is definitely going through something too he won't admit it but he's very different. I think having a second child and the big changes have made him a bit depressed.

Him saying he's 'not sure it can be resolved' is him actually saying he doesn't know if he wants to resolve it (or he doesn't want to resolve it). He's just playing with words here.

If he's not onboard with sorting things out then you've got no options. It takes two to commit.

I'd be giving him a deadline to sort out and say what his real intentions are (and he needs to back it up with action) - otherwise you will be in limbo with this for a long time (possibly while he's getting another woman lined up).

Sorry x

I'm sorry I didn't mean to sound arrogant there I was just trying to give context as years ago we went through a rough patch where that was the main issue. I think we have been drifting apart for a while and the strain of the kids has really impacted us. He did end things years ago for a few months and it feels quite similar to then. He is definitely more checked out than me but I don't want to force someone to stay that doesn't want to. We are both not in the best place which isn't helping and my husband is putting a timeline on giving things a try like a few weeks and I don't like that as I feel it could take us quite a while to get back to a good place if we can. Thanks for replying

I appreciate your reply. That's my fear, I think he has checked out. He ended things years ago and it really messed me up and when we gave things another go he was always afraid to hurt me again and I feel that could be playing a factor in why he is sticking around.
I have said I feel we should try and properly try not for a week and give up cos its hard.
I don't think there is anyone else involved but who knows maybe I'm being naive.

Thanks

When did the gym 7 days a
week start?

(7 days is not right / too much even for people that take fitness seriously unless he is literally going for a steam and jacuzzi or similar on a couple of those days)

Play his bluff. If he doesn't think it can be fixed, ask him what he sees the solution to be. Push it back on him.

I know it's easy to say there's another women, but that's how it started with my ex. He wanted to go to the gym all the time (with the other woman) and blew up when I said I wanted to go to the gym the same number of days he did.

All marriages go through these phases, try not to go down the “there’s someone else” rabbit hole as it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.

You’re both tired and probably a bit stressed. Also try not to focus too much on the “are we okay” thoughts as that may make you obsess over things that aren’t there.

If you’ve generally got a half decent relationship hunker down and wait for it to pass without putting too much pressure on yourselves. It does need both people wanting to put the best effort in though.

It's always been like that, it's not a new habit just an annoying one! It helps his mental health alot but unfortunately not our relationship

Do you still love each other?

I'm struggling to understand the issue, if sex is still good and you're not arguing.

Are you both just tired because of the baby? Does the baby wake up at night a lot?

In my experience the adjustment from 1 to 2 was massive for the whole family - there is so much to juggle all the time and a baby / preschooler combination is just tough going. There is usually so little quality time to yourself and I went to bed early too in antipation for the night wakes and early starts and my partner stayed up later. It doesn’t mean we didn’t love each other but we recognised this was a very hard time in our parenting lives and that’s how we coped. It still is but you get breaks when they are at school / preschool / watching tv etc! (Also usually sex is out the window at this point when things are rocky so that’s a positive to keep you connected)

I do think he could compromise and agree on a couple of gym free nights a week where you stay up later together but then he can help with night wakes / early mornings. Or he goes to the gym earlier before the childrens bedtime / at lunch etc

I love him and I believe he loves me but maybe not as much as before.

DH and I still love each other after 25 years.

I do think that if you're still enjoying sex, your relationship must have something good going for it.

Would couples counselling be an option?

With kindness, you sound like you could be suffering from anxiety/depression.

You are in at the deep end with a kid and a baby and life is tough. It’s a lot to deal with. As a mum youre always on/hypervigilant/sleepless nights.

With that said, your thoughts and feeling right now are unlikely to remain the same once the babygets older, you are sleeping more etc.

You aren’t fighting and are still having sex. It’s just a feeling you can’t shift right now because you’re under so much stress- your brain is thinking, maybe this is what needs to be fixed to feel better?

I doubt that is the solution to your feelings and I wouldn’t want you to make any rash decisions while thinking this way

Thank you for replying. I do suffer with bad anxiety and my husband isn't in the best headspace either but unfortunately I feel like too much damage might be done to pull this back we have been talking about ending things and things not working for the best part of 3 months now and I feel the damage is irreparable my husband said again tonight it just feels too different between us now. That is my fear that in a few months time when things might have calmed a little we have thrown it all away

I would try your best to get through this rough patch. Easier said than done. But maybe if you both acknowledge that your MH is suffering right now, that maybe you can be kinder on yourselves.

I can’t underline enough, that the early baby years are so tough on a relationship. It’s only now that mine are older, I can look back and think how the hell did we get through that!

Unfortunately my husband is completely against counselling. He's very much so if it ain't working I'm out of here to him 3 months of problems is too long nd he wants out. I would try forever if he were willing to

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. So much harder than I ever thought it would be. We love being parents but it's a big strain. I sure do hope we have the strength to get through this but right now I don't think my husband has the fight left in him. Wishing you the best.

Name change fail?

OP if your husband's so unwilling to consider counselling, and if he's saying the marriage is practically over, is it possible that he's met someone else?