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Original poster

Relationship at breaking point after second baby

33 replies

Dgxx · 27/04/2024 08:18

I have been with my husband 16 years and married for 5. We have two children together and almost 3 year old and 5 month old. The last 5 months have completely defeated us as a couple. I don't think we realised how much a second child would put a strain on our marriage. After our first child we were gge best we ever were so this came as a shock. We have neglected each other and we are worried it's passed the point of fixing. Sex isn't an issue and arguing isn't either I almost wish it was because that we could try fix. I worry that we have just drifted apart so much, there is this awful weird atmosphere I can't explain it's always there. I just feel alone like we have become different people. When do I give up? The thought of not being with my husband tears me up but I fear we have both given up. When I talk to my husband about trying and fighting for things he keeps saying but can it be fixed though which makes me think he's shut down nd is only here for the kids.

I just feel like i need some advice or experiences of others, thanks.

OP posts:
Dery · 27/04/2024 20:27

@Dgxx - none of this really makes sense. In fact, it’s ridiculous.

You’ve been together for 16 good years. Your second child was only born 5 months ago so you’re still right in the thick of the most intensive and demanding periods of parenting and you’re both talking about splitting up and your H is refusing counselling.

Sorry, but that is just irresponsible and self-indulgent. You and he have chosen to have children so you no longer have the luxury of walking away without effort just because things have got a bit strained between you. It’s very normal for parents to feel like they’re just parenting at this stage of their children’s lives with little time for each other. It sounds like you’re just experiencing what most parents of two experience in the early years.

Responsible, sensible parents don’t just throw the towel in because things get a bit bumpy. There’s no abuse here; just a bit of distance. You both owe it to your tiny DCs to see if you can work through this.

Original poster
Dgxx · 27/04/2024 20:39

TheShellBeach · 27/04/2024 20:08

OP if your husband's so unwilling to consider counselling, and if he's saying the marriage is practically over, is it possible that he's met someone else?

I don't think so but who knows I could be wrong. I just think his feelings for me have been waning for a while now and he doesn't want to try. I wish he would try counselling but it's a 100% no

OP posts:
Original poster
Dgxx · 27/04/2024 20:42

Dery · 27/04/2024 20:27

@Dgxx - none of this really makes sense. In fact, it’s ridiculous.

You’ve been together for 16 good years. Your second child was only born 5 months ago so you’re still right in the thick of the most intensive and demanding periods of parenting and you’re both talking about splitting up and your H is refusing counselling.

Sorry, but that is just irresponsible and self-indulgent. You and he have chosen to have children so you no longer have the luxury of walking away without effort just because things have got a bit strained between you. It’s very normal for parents to feel like they’re just parenting at this stage of their children’s lives with little time for each other. It sounds like you’re just experiencing what most parents of two experience in the early years.

Responsible, sensible parents don’t just throw the towel in because things get a bit bumpy. There’s no abuse here; just a bit of distance. You both owe it to your tiny DCs to see if you can work through this.

Edited

I appreciate your comments. I do want to try but my husband doesn't feel like things are working anymore as many have said it takes two to commit and try to see if things can be fixed but I can't force him.

One of the most painful aspects of this is the kids and a broken family and the damage that could cause them, trust me I can't stop thinking about that.

Thank you for taking the time to comment.

OP posts:
Uncooperativefingers · 27/04/2024 20:48

Honestly, if there really is nothing more than to it than what you say, this is where you have to dig in and honour your vows with an eye on coming out the other side.

I'd be having strong words about counselling and insisting. You need to break this destructive cycle somehow

Dery · 27/04/2024 20:56

@Dgxx - i know some very functional families where the parents are divorced but amicably co-parenting - that may be the case for you. But in both cases I’m thinking of, the marriages had completely broken down due to affairs. That really doesn’t seem to be the case here.

Your husband’s determination to walk away suggests to me that he is having an affair or has had his head turned. But frankly, passing attraction to other people is a poor reason to end a marriage especially when tiny DCs are involved (marriage vows wouldn’t be needed if all others ceased to be attractive).

Have you pointed out to your husband that a responsible father doesn’t walk away at the first sign of difficulty? What he’s proposing is NOT what a good father does. (And you were behaving irresponsibly in being so quick to propose a separation).

Does your husband think all other couples breeze through the early years of parenthood without turning a hair? Sorry, but this is selfish, self-indulgent, irresponsible behaviour. He needs to think like a father and a proper committed husband.

Corksoles · 27/04/2024 21:01

I'm also baffled. Everyone else just cracks on at this stage. Does anyone go through all of a marriage blissed out and loved up? Er, nope.

WeightoftheWorld · 27/04/2024 21:07

Dery · 27/04/2024 20:56

@Dgxx - i know some very functional families where the parents are divorced but amicably co-parenting - that may be the case for you. But in both cases I’m thinking of, the marriages had completely broken down due to affairs. That really doesn’t seem to be the case here.

Your husband’s determination to walk away suggests to me that he is having an affair or has had his head turned. But frankly, passing attraction to other people is a poor reason to end a marriage especially when tiny DCs are involved (marriage vows wouldn’t be needed if all others ceased to be attractive).

Have you pointed out to your husband that a responsible father doesn’t walk away at the first sign of difficulty? What he’s proposing is NOT what a good father does. (And you were behaving irresponsibly in being so quick to propose a separation).

Does your husband think all other couples breeze through the early years of parenthood without turning a hair? Sorry, but this is selfish, self-indulgent, irresponsible behaviour. He needs to think like a father and a proper committed husband.

Excellent post.

Dery · 28/04/2024 09:46

@Dgxx - I’m sorry for being so ranty! I’m angry on your and particularly your DCs’ behalf.

@Corksoles has summed it all up much better than me:

“Corksoles · Yesterday 21:01
I'm also baffled. Everyone else just cracks on at this stage. Does anyone go through all of a marriage blissed out and loved up? Er, nope.”

What you’re experiencing just sounds like normal parenting life in the early years. Not a reason for your H to strop and flounce.

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