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Original poster

Please help! Long weekends with PIL's house

28 replies

NewmumtoAmelia2023 · 27/04/2024 02:41

Advice needed please.

My pil treats my DH like a small boy. They often tells me that I'm a cradle snatcher, DH is in his 30's, they call him they're baby. DH moved miles away to be with me, they didn't like that, then we had our baby which they can't see often as they want because of the distance. Ever since I've met them, they do or say things that made me think they don't like me. Fil is known for having arguments with his sons wives or partners. They make awful comments regarding their Dil which makes me wonder what do they say about me behind my back.
They do not have boundaries, when I was staying at my dh's house when we are still dating which was near them, they visited without any warning on few occasions. They had a key on the house.
When we are staying at their house, I can't go to bed whenever I want as they like socialising, going to bed or doing things on my own is classed as anti social.
My problem is, they have managed to emotionally blackmail us on staying in their house for a long weekend visit, now I need an advice on how am I going to survive this without losing my mind or divorcing my husband. It is really affecting me, I get very grumpy prior to visit and it's causing massive arguments between me and my DH. Any advice or tips will be appreciated x

OP posts:
Luckycloverz · 27/04/2024 02:48

Be thankful you don't live near them and treat this as rare opportunity for them to bond with your baby.

Tourmalines · 27/04/2024 03:57

How did they emotionally blackmail you both ?

PoopingAllTheWay · 27/04/2024 04:01

Dont go - I dont understand why you ‘have to’

Original poster
NewmumtoAmelia2023 · 27/04/2024 04:20

Tourmalines · 27/04/2024 03:57

How did they emotionally blackmail you both ?

They helped us with something, and when we tried to pay them back they didn't accept it. And commented that we should come visit instead as they miss their dcg. They also commented once that my DH is alienating himself from the family. They also keep on sending pics of broken stuff in their house that my DH used to fix as he is good on DIY. My DH failed to answer their call recently and they got very angry and said what if one of them die, we wouldn't know coz we are not answering phone. It's more guilt trip really.

OP posts:
Tourmalines · 27/04/2024 04:29

NewmumtoAmelia2023 · 27/04/2024 04:20

They helped us with something, and when we tried to pay them back they didn't accept it. And commented that we should come visit instead as they miss their dcg. They also commented once that my DH is alienating himself from the family. They also keep on sending pics of broken stuff in their house that my DH used to fix as he is good on DIY. My DH failed to answer their call recently and they got very angry and said what if one of them die, we wouldn't know coz we are not answering phone. It's more guilt trip really.

Show quote history

How far away do they live and how often do you see each other. Do you ever invite them over ? If it’s that unbearable for you to see them maybe your husband and child can go by themselves. It’s only natural they would want to see their son and grandchild every now and again .

Original poster
NewmumtoAmelia2023 · 27/04/2024 04:44

Tourmalines · 27/04/2024 04:29

How far away do they live and how often do you see each other. Do you ever invite them over ? If it’s that unbearable for you to see them maybe your husband and child can go by themselves. It’s only natural they would want to see their son and grandchild every now and again .

Show quote history

7 hours drive.

My DC is only 4 months old. I would allow them to go on their own when DC is a bit bigger.

Yes, at the beginning of our relationship, I said they can come over anytime as long as they let us know, so we can arrange something as they want to be waited on. They want me or their son to be their tourist guide and to entertain them until whatever time. Don't dare to say I'm tired and want to go to bed as they will comment about how I don't want to get to know them etc.

OP posts:
IAmRunningOutOfUsernames · 27/04/2024 05:07

A 7 hour drive with a 4 month old baby is far. How often do you drive?

Original poster
NewmumtoAmelia2023 · 27/04/2024 05:11

IAmRunningOutOfUsernames · 27/04/2024 05:07

A 7 hour drive with a 4 month old baby is far. How often do you drive?

Since baby was born, it will be our 3rd time.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 27/04/2024 05:17

I don't think you should be driving for so long with a baby that age. It's outrageous that they are expecting that.

ColumboOnTheCase · 27/04/2024 05:38

A 7hr hour drive that often is too much. Shame on them for expecting you to do it for the third time with such a small baby. I wouldn't do it, they can come and visit DGC.

It doesn't matter what you do, or however much you bend over backwards to accommodate these people, they will always bad mouth you anyway. Best get used to that now and lay down your boundaries.

My own DM was overbearing and demanding, but once I had my first DC my boundaries were firm. I noticed that she accepted it and even respected me for it.

ThomCruise · 27/04/2024 06:15

All of this nonsense about not being able to go to bed when you're tired needs to stop.

If I'm tired, I'm going to bed. I would just confidently say "Right, I'm exhausted, I'm heading up, see you tomorrow".

"Oh don't you want to get to know us?".

"Sure, tomorrow, sleep well!"

AllEars112232 · 27/04/2024 06:41

Firstly, stop taking anything from them! You ate handing them the control when you accept money (presumably).

Driving 7 hours 3 times in 4 months with a new born is BATSHIT !! You are still working out how to manage a baby! You need peace, quiet and space. Not people demanding your attendance. If your DH won't put his for down, you need to.

Small babies should not be in a car for that length of time. You need to put your child first. PiL are way down the list when you have a new born.

Personally, I'd been saying no to this long weekend until your baby is much older and you have a strong routine at home.

Then and only then would I consider a short visit in my terms. I think you and DH need a big heart to heart.

ByUmberViewer · 27/04/2024 06:55

I just used to get drunk when I had to tolerate these occasions.

It helps to numb the pain.

They all thought I had a drink problem though. I didn't, I just couldn't be in their company sober.

Bestyearever2024 · 27/04/2024 06:56

Surely its not safe for a baby to be in a car seat for 7 hours?

What will your DH say when you tell him he can go to see his parents but you and baby are staying home because its not safe for baby to travel ?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/04/2024 06:58

The writing was on the wall re his dysfunctional and otherwise abusive parents years ago.

How does your Dh feel about his parents these days?. Is he also that scared little boy when not around them?. Does he say of them something like well you know what they are like etc?. He in particular is mired in fear, obligation and guilt and they’re using those against you as well. Will he at all consider therapy re his parents?.

Your DHs inertia when it comes to his parents hurts him as much as you. You do not need their approval either, not that these abusive people would ever give this to you anyway.

At the very least stop altogether this mad 7 hour (do you live in the UK?) drive to these people. You and DD do not have to dance attendance to them. They’ve emotionally harmed your now husband and they will inflict similar harm to both you and your child. You can adopt a no contact position with them. He may not ever be able to do this.

Drop the rope and keep your child well away from these people too. If they are too toxic/difficult/batshit for you to deal with, it’s the same deal for your child too. Do read Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward, your DH could read Toxic Parents by the same author.

thanKyouaIMee · 27/04/2024 06:59

I mean it's a bit nuclear but could you just not try to people please? Go to bed when you want, stand up for yourself when they make stupid comments etc. Be the "bad guy" they try to make you out to be and keep your fingers crossed they don't invite you back soon?

Three times in 4 months (with a 7 hour drive each way?!) is far too many times when they're not nice people to spend time with. I'd send DH alone if he's bothered about maintaining the relationship and get him to FaceTime the DGC.

BendingSpoons · 27/04/2024 07:04

NewmumtoAmelia2023 · 27/04/2024 04:44

7 hours drive.

My DC is only 4 months old. I would allow them to go on their own when DC is a bit bigger.

Yes, at the beginning of our relationship, I said they can come over anytime as long as they let us know, so we can arrange something as they want to be waited on. They want me or their son to be their tourist guide and to entertain them until whatever time. Don't dare to say I'm tired and want to go to bed as they will comment about how I don't want to get to know them etc.

Show quote history

Your DH needs to stand up for you on the going to bed issue. A 4mo you need to prioritise sleep. When does your baby go to bed? I would say you are meant to be in the room with them at all times and go to. They can stay up and socialise with their son.

When we visit PILs I plan little breaks like saying I want to pop to a nearby shop we don't have nearby at home. They used to try to insist on taking me but I put my foot down! I also go to bed when tired. Usually around 10 and they are up until 12, but I have DC awake at 6, so I need my sleep. Those things give me the energy to be polite and interested for the rest of the time and not get irritated by things so much.

GreatGateauxsby · 27/04/2024 07:06

NewmumtoAmelia2023 · 27/04/2024 04:44

7 hours drive.

My DC is only 4 months old. I would allow them to go on their own when DC is a bit bigger.

Yes, at the beginning of our relationship, I said they can come over anytime as long as they let us know, so we can arrange something as they want to be waited on. They want me or their son to be their tourist guide and to entertain them until whatever time. Don't dare to say I'm tired and want to go to bed as they will comment about how I don't want to get to know them etc.

Show quote history

Jesus you guys are pushovers.

If you hate confrontation just send your husband on the weekend and message last min to say you and the baby are sick. Dont discuss with dh before messaging - just do it! And sort it out with him after.

My position with my first baby was clear. Baby doesnt travel!
as above...
"For a new-born baby, it is advised to limit car journeys to 30 minutes at a time."
My dd is 2 and mil has given up complaining we dont visit now. It took over a year.

When she visits i go for walks, run errands and always go to bed early.
Im on the fence about alcohol. On one hand it can make it easier to bear but on the other you are less in charge of executive functioning which is a disadvantage.

My strategy now is ply in laws with and i dont drink much, I then have celebratory one when they leave.

Re the comments
Let them comment - honestly...so fucking what?!
they already decided to dislike you so why bother trying to humour them... just do what you want and suit yourself.
If they bring up the favour again say "well we tried to pay you and wouldnt take it"
Or "oh fil! You are funny! how long are you going to keep trying to use that to emotional blackmail us? 🤣"

honestly just stop caring about their good opinion. You wont get it...

Changingplace · 27/04/2024 07:10

There’s no way I’d let anyone dictate what time I went to bed, how ridiculous! Just go, tell them you’ll see them in the morning, end of conversation.

If they want to see you I’d be saying they need to come to you, why do you have to do that long drive with a baby? As pp have said it’s not recommended for babies to be in car seats that long.

If they slag off their other Dil in front of you I’d call them out on it!

Allwelcone · 27/04/2024 07:10

Wow I can't beleive you feel you can't go to bed when you want.
You need to start doing that at least, then take it from there.
Stand firm OP, courage!

GreatGateauxsby · 27/04/2024 07:13

NewmumtoAmelia2023 · 27/04/2024 05:11

Since baby was born, it will be our 3rd time.

Show quote history

Omfg.... you are crazy for doing this.
14 hour round trips with a newborn?

You really need to address Why you and your dh going along with this insanity?

Geniunely consider therapy. You need to get some boundaries.

Lurkingandlearning · 27/04/2024 07:46

Your husband is aware of their crappy behaviour and yet it is causing arguments between you. He either believes their behaviour is ok or has so little regard for you he thinks you should accept it, that it is what you deserve.

No you shouldn’t be taking your baby on a 7 hour drive. And for that reason alone you must stand up to your husband. Let him deal with his parents.

As part of that conversation I think you should thrash out why he allows them to treat you like that. If it’s because he is too weak to set boundaries around you all as a family, then he needs to buck up or accept his parents will have minimal contact with you and your children. Them forming a bond with the children would be of no interest to me as they are not role models, unless your husband wants to his children to learn about rude selfish people from an early age.

If he thinks you should be treated like that, then you really do have problems.

If the trip goes ahead I suppose you’ll have to go as your baby is too young to travel that far with only the driver. Go to bed When you want. If they say you are avoiding getting to know them, look them straight in the eye and say, “I feel I know you already.” And leave the room.

Good luck

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 27/04/2024 07:49

NewmumtoAmelia2023 · 27/04/2024 04:20

They helped us with something, and when we tried to pay them back they didn't accept it. And commented that we should come visit instead as they miss their dcg. They also commented once that my DH is alienating himself from the family. They also keep on sending pics of broken stuff in their house that my DH used to fix as he is good on DIY. My DH failed to answer their call recently and they got very angry and said what if one of them die, we wouldn't know coz we are not answering phone. It's more guilt trip really.

Show quote history

Well I wouldn’t feel guilty. Your dh can do as he wants, no need for you to get involved or visit.

StrongTea · 27/04/2024 07:49

Could you meet them halfway? Far too far with a baby. They sound a nightmare.