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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being unfair here?

43 replies

sajamor · 26/04/2024 22:50

I've been chatting to a guy on Facebook Dating and really don't know what to make of him or my feelings about him.

He's not revealed very much about himself, instead asking questions about me and what I'm doing on quite a banal, everyday level. He suggested meeting up which unnerved me a bit as I really didn't feel ready for it.

I wanted a bit of thinking time, then he asked if I was still wanting to chat. I said I was happy to chat but that I felt it was a bit soon to meet up. He said that was understandable as if he'd not been the one to suggest it. Even if he was trying to be accommodating is it unreasonable to feel like he should have acknowledged why it might have felt too much too soon for me?

But because I didn't want to be unfair or dictate things with preconceptions I agreed to chatting on WhatsApp. The conversations on there haven't gone much deeper than they did on Facebook although I've tried to open up discussions about things.

However, this guy has said things like we can be closer on WhatsApp and he feels good to be starting this morning with me. This got me wondering if he's building up in his head what I mean to him and what we have together.

This was further stoked up by him saying on Wednesday night he was thinking of spending time with me this weekend and we could start with a coffee date. I felt like that was making assumptions and dictating. So when he sent me a message early yesterday morning saying he'd write again that night I thought I'd talk then after having some thinking time.

He didn't message me last night and I must admit part of me was relieved. But then he sent me a message this afternoon saying, "You don't want us to continue."

I explained I'd been waiting for his messages and I didn't want things to go further if he was going to be controlling and accusing. He said he'd expected a reply to yesterday morning's text and then I really saw red - not to mention a red flag.

I then told him how I felt about what he'd said on Wednesday night and that he had no right to dictate or set out expectations of what other people do. He said what he'd meant was how did I feel about meeting up and that he liked me, wanted to be given a chance and wanted a good relationship.

I'm just wondering if I'm being fair here or if I'm looking for a get out clause because so far it just doesn't seem to be working. But I've not got any other man showing an interest in me right now so do I really have much choice?

OP posts:

Runnerinthenight · 26/04/2024 22:55

It shouldn't have to be this complicated. Run for the hills!

Please value yourself more - "But I've not got any other man showing an interest in me right now so do I really have much choice?" - are you really that desperate to have a man in your life, that you are grateful for any scraps thrown your way?

You have nothing "together". You've literally just been talking to someone online who may or may not be who they say they are.

You need to work on your self-esteem. I mean that kindly x

SamW98 · 26/04/2024 23:01

I’m a bit confused as to why you felt unnerved when someone on a dating site suggested meeting - that’s the point surely?

And once you said it was too soon and he accepted that. Why would you expect any further acknowledgment?

If I’m honest you seem like you’re massively overthinking it. I really don’t see him being controlling and accusing - if you’re not interested just delete him but it seems like you’re reading far too much into a few messages.

You don’t need a reason to not want to date someone. If you’re not feeling it then don’t continue chatting just because no one else is on offer. But you’re going to struggle with OLD if you look so deeply into every interaction.

StarsBeneathMyFeet · 26/04/2024 23:01

Don’t go on a date with someone where you have bad vibes before you’ve even met. You may not have anyone else messaging you as yet but that could change. Don’t date someone just because there’s no alternatives at the moment! I’d bin him off if I were you.

category12 · 26/04/2024 23:01

But I've not got any other man showing an interest in me right now so do I really have much choice?

You'll not find someone worth having, if you'd rather have anyone than be single.

If you're not enjoying chatting to this guy and feel pushed, then throw him back. Feeling like it's not working is an excellent reason for stopping.

Deludamol · 26/04/2024 23:01

I'm with you. I get put off when people ask to meet up immediately.

I usually get a load of waffle back about how they aren't into endless texting. That's all very well, but their interpretation of endless texting is usually a handful of messages.

If someone isn't bothered to get to know me a bit, they can jog on if they think I'm going to meet them because they like my picture.

taylorswift1989 · 26/04/2024 23:02

You can’t do online dating if you're going to get this deep with every man you match with. You have to be ruthless. He's a bit boring? Unmatch. He says something that feels a bit off? Unmatch. Be clear in your head exactly what you want in a person and the second they show you they are not that, you ditch them.

Block this guy's number and never give him another thought.

SeismicSalad · 26/04/2024 23:05

Dictating, controlling, abusive all sound like unnecessary strong words for what you’ve described. I would run for the hills if I were him.

LarkRiseSummer · 26/04/2024 23:16

So you're on a dating site but don't want to meet up with dates? The received wisdom on MN is to meet up as soon as possible so that you don't waste time creating a fantasy relationship in your head that doesn't match the reality when you eventually meet.

You do sound like hard work OP.

Original poster

sajamor · 26/04/2024 23:22

Of course I do want to meet up with people on dating sites - I just felt like I didn't know the guy well enough at that point. I ignored similar doubts about someone I briefly talked to in person many years ago and was sexually assaulted. I would be meeting the guy 15 miles away not near anybody I know so would have to be sure I felt safe with him.

Also I do feel he was accusing in saying "You don't want us to continue" and that it sounded a bit possessive when there isn't an us. I felt dictated to because it was like I had to do something to avoid him blowing up at me. When he didn't message I just thought he was busy or had gone out and let him have his space rather than lay into him.

OP posts:

hg167 · 26/04/2024 23:24

“He said that was understandable as if he'd not been the one to suggest it.”

Why do you seem annoyed that he’s respecting your decision?

”Even if he was trying to be accommodating is it unreasonable to feel like he should have acknowledged why it might have felt too much too soon for me?”

What did you want him to do - question why you don’t want to meet up so soon, making you feel more uncomfortable? There was no need for him to acknowledge/question why as he’s already being respectful of your boundaries, rather than pushing you for a reason.

How long have you been speaking for - if he’s just asking general questions such as how’s your day going etc the conversation does seem stale and could very well be chasing a dead end, however it could also be he isn’t that great at conversation over message and has more personality in person (this is what I was like, could not message for the life of me, however in person very easily able to hold conversation)

Divebar2021 · 26/04/2024 23:28

I think endless texting is a big mistake - you build them up to being something they’re not. Much better to have a voice call ( as a lot can be told by that) and then crack on and meet for coffee. I would want to meet within 2 or 3 weeks of the contact. ( allowing for other commitments ). I don’t think he sounds particularly possessive or assumptive but I don’t have to meet him so if it’s not working for you just tell him. No need to block him to my mind.

SamW98 · 26/04/2024 23:29

SeismicSalad · 26/04/2024 23:05

Dictating, controlling, abusive all sound like unnecessary strong words for what you’ve described. I would run for the hills if I were him.

I have to agree. I don’t think he’s done anything wrong tbh. I imagine he’ll be rethinking his idea to meet

StarsBeneathMyFeet · 26/04/2024 23:34

I just checked (I saved our messages), DP asked me out after 3 days of messaging and we met a week after he asked me.
I think given your past experience you’re (understandably) cautious. But it should feel natural and easy which this clearly…isn’t.

LightSpeeds · 26/04/2024 23:35

If you're only messaging and not wanting to meet up yet, then talk on the phone or do a video call?

I wouldn't meet anyone unless I'd heard and seen that person first. (Save any embarrassment when meeting them and thinking 'God no' in the first millisecond.)

blacksax · 26/04/2024 23:35

All the bloke wants to do is chat and maybe meet up, totally ordinary. Asking if you want to have a coffee some time over the weekend isn't making assumptions or dictating. He just asked a simple question, that's all.

OP, I understand your reservations because you were once assaulted many years ago, but if the fear of it happening again is still bothering you so much, perhaps you aren't in the right headspace to start dating right now.

Deludamol · 26/04/2024 23:40

Divebar2021 · 26/04/2024 23:28

Meeting after not too long is fine. But some guys are ridiculous. I matched with someone this evening at 7.09pm. At 8.22pm he asked me if I wanted to meet him this evening.

And we weren't merrily chatting for an hour either. The whole conversation on my part was four very short messages, one of which was saying hello how are you.

Original poster

sajamor · 26/04/2024 23:41

He didn't ask if I wanted to go for coffee - he said he was thinking he would spend time with me as if he was deciding it. Then he accused me of not wanting things to continue because I didn't answer one message which I do think was out of line. I do try to be fair to people and not jump to conclusions - that was why I gave myself a bit of thinking time after Wednesday night. I think I will suggest talking on the phone to see if the conversation flows better and I think most women would feel more comfortable with talking before they met a man.

OP posts:

Original poster

sajamor · 26/04/2024 23:43

Also what happened all those years ago doesn't stop me having relationships - I most certainly wouldn't let that piece of scum ruin my life or chances of happiness. I am just very wary of protecting my safety and not making myself vulnerable with men I don't really know as yet.

OP posts:

category12 · 27/04/2024 07:56

I think you should pay attention to your own instincts about the guy. Something feels off, he comes off as a bit full of himself or whatever, then don't push through to find out if you're right or wrong, just give him a swerve.

Thinking "he seems nice, I think we might get on" is the baseline, surely?

Thinking "oh he comes off as a bit of a nob, he's being awkward/pushy/whatever" makes it daft to continue. You don't have to give any guy that's interested a shot.

taylorswift1989 · 27/04/2024 08:00

Just ditch him, OP. You've seen a red flag, why on earth would you still pursue a connection with him?

One thing about OLD is there's no shortage of men to talk to. You're wasting your time and energy with one that you don't even like enough to meet for a coffee. Why?

OLD can be fun but not if you're going to get serious about every fleeting conversation and connection.

NotStayingIn · 27/04/2024 08:08

I think I will suggest talking on the phone to see if the conversation flows better

Why though?!?!

You’re not feeling it at all with him, that’s totally fine. Just tell him so and move on.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 27/04/2024 08:17

blacksax · 26/04/2024 23:35

This. He seems to be saying very normal things. Meeting up fairly soon in a public and ‘safe’ place in better than waiting for ages, crossing lines over text then moving too fast when you actually meet because youve built a sandy foundation that feels stronger than it actually is.

What youve said he has said to you is normal.

What youve said you have said yo him Is weird.

However, if you feel his messages have been controlling, you need to end it.

over50andfab · 27/04/2024 08:19

I don’t know how long you chatted on FB before moving to Whatsapp, but sounds like he’s doing all the running and not getting much back from you. It can be easy to overly think and pick apart what someone writes. If you want to continue best to either have a phone call or meet for a coffee if you both live close to each other and then decide what you want to do.

User364837 · 27/04/2024 08:22

On the one hand you sound quite hard work… sounds like he suggested a coffee and you had a go at him for dictating what people do 😆

on the other hand, it’s not floating your boat, it’s too surfacey for you and does sound like you feel like you’re clicking.
So perhaps time to move on. Something obviously feels off to you.

Codlingmoths · 27/04/2024 08:44

People talking on a dating site are there to meet in person - it’s not weird he’s expecting it after some time chatting. You aren’t finding his chatting is making you feel like you’re getting to know him so he’s not the one for you- no need to get angry at him that you don’t actually think he’s got much personality!!

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