Am I being unfair here?

[sajamor]

I've been chatting to a guy on Facebook Dating and really don't know what to make of him or my feelings about him.

He's not revealed very much about himself, instead asking questions about me and what I'm doing on quite a banal, everyday level. He suggested meeting up which unnerved me a bit as I really didn't feel ready for it.

I wanted a bit of thinking time, then he asked if I was still wanting to chat. I said I was happy to chat but that I felt it was a bit soon to meet up. He said that was understandable as if he'd not been the one to suggest it. Even if he was trying to be accommodating is it unreasonable to feel like he should have acknowledged why it might have felt too much too soon for me?

But because I didn't want to be unfair or dictate things with preconceptions I agreed to chatting on WhatsApp. The conversations on there haven't gone much deeper than they did on Facebook although I've tried to open up discussions about things.

However, this guy has said things like we can be closer on WhatsApp and he feels good to be starting this morning with me. This got me wondering if he's building up in his head what I mean to him and what we have together.

This was further stoked up by him saying on Wednesday night he was thinking of spending time with me this weekend and we could start with a coffee date. I felt like that was making assumptions and dictating. So when he sent me a message early yesterday morning saying he'd write again that night I thought I'd talk then after having some thinking time.

He didn't message me last night and I must admit part of me was relieved. But then he sent me a message this afternoon saying, "You don't want us to continue."

I explained I'd been waiting for his messages and I didn't want things to go further if he was going to be controlling and accusing. He said he'd expected a reply to yesterday morning's text and then I really saw red - not to mention a red flag.

I then told him how I felt about what he'd said on Wednesday night and that he had no right to dictate or set out expectations of what other people do. He said what he'd meant was how did I feel about meeting up and that he liked me, wanted to be given a chance and wanted a good relationship.

I'm just wondering if I'm being fair here or if I'm looking for a get out clause because so far it just doesn't seem to be working. But I've not got any other man showing an interest in me right now so do I really have much choice?

I have to say I think some of these replies are based on taking things out of context.

The guy I've been talking to said "I was thinking I will spend time with you" which is not the same as asking "Would you like to meet for coffee?" A coffee date in itself is the best kind to start with, I agree and I always say that if I'm asked. But I don't think anybody would like it if someone said, "I was thinking I'd come to your house on Wednesday" because it looks rude and pushy.

I let it go and was giving myself some thinking time on whether or not to accept. I was then told "You don't want us to continue" which comes off as accusing and when there is no us to begin with a bit creepy. That was when I really felt dictated to - "if you don't answer one message I'm going to kick off."

He also said "I was expecting you to reply" which suggests a preconceived notion I'm doing something wrong if I don't. For all he knew I could have not replied because I was in hospital or somebody had died.I don't and didn't say he's a psycho who'd try controlling every woman's move. What I meant was it is controlling to effectively make somebody respond a certain way or there'll be trouble.

I am really struggling at the moment with my work situation too and with this on top feel right on the edge. So I would appreciate people reading my post properly and expressing constructive opinions rather than label sticking - that is the treatment I'd afford you!

1. if you name change mid-thread people will miss your updates.
2. I've read and reread your post. You did not say anywhere before that he said he wanted to come to your house. That is new information and absolutely not acceptable.

If he is giving you bad vibes, tell him this isnt going any further and stop messaging him.

The OP wrote “This was further stoked up by him saying on Wednesday night he was thinking of spending time with me this weekend and we could start with a coffee date.”

If this were me, and I had previously declined to meet up on the basis that it was too soon, which he acknowledged in saying it was understandable, I would read the above as a hesitant roundabout suggestion to have a coffee. Rather than a direct invitation, he was leaving the ball in my court.

OLD can be tough especially making that move in asking someone on a date and potentially getting knocked back. I’ve tried it myself - the first time the guy agreed, and then stood me up.

OP, it's obvious you don't like him and find him creepy (which I agree, he does sound a bit). So why on earth are you thinking you should give him a chance, talk to him on the phone etc?

That's the bit that most pp are asking about. What possible reason is there for continuing to pursue any kind of communication with this guy? Maybe he's a creep, maybe he's lovely but misunderstood - it doesn't matter! You don't like him. You get 'off' vibes. You find him entitled. You don't want to meet up with him.

So stop talking to him!

He said "you don't want us to continue" not because you hadn't responded immediately or because he was controlling but because you didn't want to continue. It's clear from your OP - you didn't want to meet him, weren't keen on his conversation, (too banal), he suggested a coffee date and you didn't respond, you showed no enthusiasm... he picked that up. Quite rightly.

You weren't right for each other - he knew you weren't keen. It was hard work - better for both to cut your losses. The next one might be better.

You ask whether you're being unfair. My blunt answer is, I think, yes. You have massively over thought this and over analysed messages and invented subtext. At the end of the day, if he's giving you concerns, by all means move on but in all.your posts, I do feel you've brought a lot of this on yourself by over thinking.

In the nicest possible way I think you're massively overthinking it.

You're not interested in him and just dragging it out because you've no better offers (no judgment I've been guilty of that before myself but it doesn't do either of you any good) and he's picked up on this.

Call it a day before it causes either of you anymore stress and hopefully the next one will be a better fit

Whilst you have every reason to be cautious, you can't expect someone who hasn't met you, doesn't know your background and your past bad experiences to be able to read your mind.

maybe OLD, with your past, isn't the best place for you, because it is devoid of the essential visible human cues that may give you reassurance that the person is benign. If all you're relying on is the words on a text, it is more likely to lead you to ruminate, mull over and talk yourself out of the person even if their intentions are innocent. They won't give you the reassurance because they don't know they have to.

I have an ex who I'm still friends with who always says ' I'm not looking for a penpal '.

The point of online dating is to meet and see if there's any potential in person.

You weren't interested. You made that clear.
Honestly you sound more controlling. You have a clear idea of how he is supposed to behave and he won't live up to that. You want to keep him around as a backup which is cruel.

It's not a case of being unfair, you owe him nothing. However, he didn't approach you in the queue at the bank, or at the local swimming pool. You matched on a dating site, chatted and then he asked to meet you for a coffee.

You either want to, or you do not. If you want to, you say yes please, and arrange a time that works. If you do not want to meet for a coffee, then you say no thanks, and accept that if you are not interested in him enough to meet him for a coffee, you are wasting your time and his time continuing chatting further. Thankyou, next.

There is no shortage of men out there, however even if he was the very last man on earth I would hope that you know that you always have a choice.

In response to Josette77 I don't use people as back up or anything else. All I meant was I felt I shouldn't rush into ruling anything out between me and this guy because it might be squandering a chance of happiness.

I also take people very much as individuals in their own right and don't issue rulebooks for them. I didn't set out behavioural guidelines here but stood up for myself against what looked like things I shouldn't tolerate. Saying "You don't want us to continue" does look like mindreading and an accusation. Saying, "I expected a reply to my message" looks demanding and as if you'll get nasty when people don't do what you want!

I don't agree. You made it clear to this guy that you're not interested, but then continued breadcrumbing him, so he's confused. It would have been better if he'd formulated his statement as a question (do you want us to continue?) but it sounds like he really was just giving you a chance to say, 'actually not really, thanks though and bye.' And I don't understand why he shouldn't expect a reply to his messages, if you're not replying. I think it's a huge leap to assume he's going to get nasty.

Maybe you're right. But IT DOESN'T MATTER because you obviously don't vibe with him and don't want to meet him. Which is fine, and entirely normal.

OLD is like this. You match, you chat for a bit, one of you decides you're not that into it, and drop the conversation. Or you keep chatting, move to whatsapp or a phone call, then one of you decides to drop it. Or you keep chatting, arrange to meet, go on a date, one of you decides there's no real spark, and drops it... It's normal. It's just dating.

Don't waste your time reading into messages and wondering what things mean and making stuff up in your head. At each stage of the process, you're just asking yourself, do I like this guy enough to move to the next stage? And if the answer's no, you drop contact.

It's so easy and does not need any of this soul searching.

So I’ve reread your OP and I still think you’re massively overthinking it and overanalysing every word.

I don’t see what he’s done wrong other than possibly the drip fed bit about wanting to go to your house.

But as others have said it doesn’t matter, you’re not interested so why give this bloke any more headspace.

Tbh I don’t think you want other opinions. You e decided you’re right and he’s wrong and nothing anyone says will change your mind so to both you and him a favour and delete him.

I'm going to close this thread or at least not contribute to it any more after this. I know I asked for opinions and I thank the people who were kind and constructive in theirs. However, I've found some of the comments on here hurtful, untrue and unfounded if they were looked at in their proper context. It is those opinions I've taken issue with, not those who didn't wholesale take my side. If I ask for advice it's because I want it but I don't ask for insults in either sense of the expression.

I have not been leading anybody on but seeing how things go in the hope they might improve. I wanted to be fair and give this guy a proper chance before I ruled anything out for the sake of both our happiness. However, I couldn't and wouldn't go out with anyone I knew I could never love as that's cruel and unfair.

I still maintain not many people would word the coffee date invitation as he did - saying "I was thinking I will" seems to indicate a decision rather than asking somebody what they want to do.

Of course people have a right to expect not to make all the effort with communications and this guy was never put in that position. I just didn't answer one text and had every intention of exchanging communications that evening I didn't get.

I then got told I didn't want to continue things which is an accusation. If I'd been asked if I didn't that's a different matter - I had to ask it of a boyfriend years ago. When I explained about waiting on his texts that was when he said he expected them to be answered. There could have been all sorts of reasons why I didn't but he seemed to assume it was because I wasn't interested.

He also sounded like he was giving me instructions and telling me off as a warning to do things how he wanted. I would never do either of these things myself because I don't think it's how you treat people. I always scrupulously try to give people space for themselves and to be themselves as I value those things.

I would not have thought it's how many people on here would communicate, either, so I'm very surprised and hurt how much of a villain I've become here!

You have most certainly over analysed his words. Perhaps he was just excited to meet you and wrote as he was 'thinking'. Doesn't mean he was imposing his decision on you. It is probably just text speak. If you don't want to meet him, just tell him. If I fancy someone, I say, we should meet up sometime (emoji). That doesn't mean they have to!

I know you're not coming back OP and probably won't read this, but it's supposed to be enjoyable and fun, meeting new people. If you can't get off the blocks with this one, then it's ok to cut it dead and see what you catch in your net next. It doesn't need to be so serious.

OP you seem to read the worst possible meaning into everything that people say, judging by your reactions to comments here.

As has been repeatedly said, no one thinks you need to keep talking to someone you don't like or don't feel comfortable with. The only person who seems to think that is you! It's frustrating to see you getting so worked up about something that is so absolutely trivial.

Sounds like you are not ready to date. You need to work on yourself.
Poor guy did nothing wrong.