Partner suddenly left, doesn’t love me

[Sparklenote]

First time poster here so please go easy on me.

My partner of 10 years broke up with me a week ago, we have a 14 month old baby girl. Long story short, he’s been unhappy for a while but has blamed it on our cramped living situation so this came as a complete shock to me.

We were in the process of moving to somewhere more spacious and he was (or so I thought) very into the move. Since baby arrived things have been tough after a traumatic birth, adjusting to having a baby, and no support network. Our relationship definitely took a backseat but I feel he was the one to withdraw almost as soon as I became a mother it seems.

I don’t think he’s adjusted well if I’m honest. He can’t handle all of the daily drudgery, it clearly gets him down and he misses his old spontaneous life. He has admitted that he didn’t really want a child now which breaks my heart but does love our baby girl.

However, he is blaming our break up on falling out of love with me and needing to ‘find himself’ and this is where my head is going around in circles. I feel he can’t handle the reality of family life and this is just an excuse to exit. Or, is this a defence on my part? Why do I even care? But I do.

A couple of months ago I uncovered an affair, which he originally denied and insisted they were just good friends. However, after pushing found out she’d been round our place while me and baby were away for the night, and have since both shared a hotel room where they just ‘talked’. I’ve been made to feel like I’m paranoid when in reality my intuition was spot on. After all this I persevered for our family any we were back on track, but I could tell he wasn’t invested and last week found out he saw her again and they spent the night in a hotel room. I asked him to leave after that so I’m on my own now. It’s complicated as they have no future as she is married with three children and will never leave them apparently.

I’m feeling very confused right now. I don’t understand why he would throw away our family for this. Does this sound like someone who’s fallen out of love or someone who just can’t handle being a family man and wants out? I feel devastated as naively thought he loved me, would always have my back, and we’d be together forever. I’m now like a stranger to him and that hurts most of all.

Please, I need a reality check and some hand holding to tell me this gets easier and I’ll be ok. I hate being alone and miss the day to day silly little things that you share with a partner. I’m scared for the future as I have no support network. Financially I may just make ends meet, he doesn’t earn much so I won’t get any child maintenance but he’s agreed to stay on the mortgage for now.

You are doing fab and deserve better. He has already checked out and you will be okay. It is difficult without support networks but you have got this x

Similar happened to me. The sudden leaving after a decade and the needing to ‘find themselves’ aka if the OW is a better option for them.

you can’t come back from this, this is who he is OP. I know it’s hard I don’t have a support network either, you feel you need them and want to keep the family together. But you do not need a man that cheats, lies and abandons you especially with a newborn. You will never feel safe with him and the trust is gone.

he is the lowest of the low.

But you do not need a man that cheats, lies and abandons you especially with a newborn. You will never feel safe with him and the trust is gone.

Thank you. I need to hear this. Right now I know he’s a waste of space but I still feel like I need him around me and it angers me that he won’t engage and show any true remorse for all the lies and pain he’s caused other than a very surface level ‘sorry’. How can I move on from this when it feels so unresolved and I have to keep seeing him for our baby’s sake.

You aren't alone. You have your baby and us lot to support you.

My husband checked out of our marriage after the birth of our second baby.

He disappeared without explanation and I eventually discovered he 'just couldn't cope'

Yes, it's absolutely a shock!

Yes.. .........you think you're not going to get through this.
Yes ......... you think you're a failure and you must have done something wrong

But absolutely yes! ........ you will come out the other side and realise:

you are ok as who you are
he wasn't who you thought he was
you are getting through this
you didn't actually NEED him in the first place

Honestly if there's one thng I've learned, it's that I am stronger than I thought I was
And Life takes us where we NEED to be - even though it's not where we WANT to be

You will definitely get through this - even though it's not your choice xx

@Sparklenote Right now I know he’s a waste of space but I still feel like I need him around me and it angers me that he won’t engage and show any true remorse for all the lies and pain he’s caused other than a very surface level ‘sorry’.

Honestly, they absolutely don't realise what they've done or the impact it has!
And that is one of the most frustrating and hurtful things x

You don’t need him around you he’s a head wrecking swine who isn’t invested. Let him shag in hotels with his girlfriend . Join mum and baby groups and in baby steps try and move on. You will save yourself a lot of stress by ridding yourself of this rubbish husband and father. Your little girl deserves better as do you

Hey, I'm going through very similar at the moment. We are trying to work through things. He promises it's over, said nothing physical happened but it's been an emotional affair for a year, since our baby was a few weeks old. We have a 13 month old, together for 11 years this year.

It's so hard, I feel like you do, I'm just clinging to him. Literally I feel like I have no self respect for myself.

He turned into a different person when I had his son. He's just started antidepressants. He says this is the reason for his out of character behaviour.

Hi OP I’m in the same boat but have two young children. He was the same no remorse and at best a forced sorry or ‘sorry you feel that way’

I understand you see them and hope they will come to their sense but the thing is it isn’t going to happen and if he finds out the grass isn’t greener, do you really want him back? A man who abandons his partner for some cheap hotel thrills? Everyday he is okay with the gap getting wider between you both.

If he was remorseful he wouldn’t be seeing the other women and would be trying everything in his power to make it right and even then most relationships don’t work out after this level of betrayal.

I am really sorry you are going through this the pain is intense. I’m 5 months on and it gets better but I still have this panic mentality where I think I need this person that has utterly destroyed and discarded me without genuine remorse.

If you can afford it get therapy OP. it’s hard with a newborn but many do it over Zoom now that’s what I’ve done and it helps to have someone to talk to when you may feel you don’t have many people in real life or just need a safe space to talk it over. My therapist made me realise he is a narcissist and this is just the way he is. There is nothing I can do or could have done. He will not have empathy or give me the closure I need. I don’t want to diagnose your ex but it’s not normal for a man to up and leave and not give a second thought to the mother of their child. He sounds selfish at best..

You have my support. Mine left when my 2nd was a baby, I felt very vulnerable and I couldn't believe how hurtful and cruel he was being, but apparently I was cruel for being against him being with his lover. Unbelievable selfishness... Good riddance I say!

Thanks it helps reading all of your messages of support.

I am happy it’s over as wouldn’t want to be with a man like this - not the man I thought I knew. But, the grief and loss of losing my family unit and doing everything alone in an area I don’t know anyone is unbearable. He also kindly said he hasn’t loved me for years, even before our baby was born, which is so confusing. I know I need to move on but I’m so angry right now.

He is rewriting history to make you question yourself. Don't listen to what he is saying and you enjoy life with your baby. It will take time but you will be happy again xx

Begby6789 I’m so sorry you’ve had a similar experience. It is truly awful and I hope you have some light and happiness in your life now.

Was there anything that helped when you were in the thick of it? I’m really struggling to see a way out right now. I have few people to lean on and get so consumed by anger, mainly that he is out enjoying his new freedom whilst I’ve been left out of the blue with our toddler. Counselling is not helping really. Feeling very dark right now.

I'm a year on from you. It's so hard and painful but you will get through it. I eventually just decided not to be bitter as it only hurt me. He was off living his best life leaving me with 4 children alone. I can honestly say I am happy now. I can also see him for what he is now I'm detached from him, and know my future is better without him in it.

It’s really encouraging to hear that you’re in a good place after only a year. You must have had incredible strength to keep it all together with four children as well. Any tips on how you overcame the bitterness? For me, his almost complete inability to comprehend or truly acknowledge the hurt he’s caused seems like the biggest hurdle to overcome right now. I can’t seem to let it go at all.

He also kindly said he hasn’t loved me for years, even before our baby was born, which is so confusing. I know I need to move on but I’m so angry right now

He's telling you (and himself) that to justify why he's acting like a selfish arse. 'See, I never loved her! that makes it OK for me to leave and treat her like this!' Straight out of The Script; it's like a button gets pushed and they come out with the same shite.

You're angry. Good. Use that.

Mine was the same, he had no remorse. He actually rubbed it in my face. 26 years together and he just walked away. I was gutted, angry and bitter. But it was only affecting me, not him. It sounds naff but I got fit, healthy and just felt good about myself again and just thought- his loss! Xx

Tell him to go "find himself" right out the fucking door.

Thought I’d update here now it’s been a few weeks. Unfortunately the anger is not getting better and only getting worse. Finding myself sending awful messages when it builds and then regretting it later (not the content it’s all true and he deserves every word, but I’d rather keep my dignity in all of this).

I was hoping for some third party validation on something my brain just can’t get past. I’ve asked many times his reason for leaving, but he says he can’t give one and all I get when I push really hard is ‘I don’t love you’. Yet, we were buying a new house together and I have many messages from the last few months where he reassures me that it’s me and our family he wants. He had his affair and is still seeing this woman as ‘friends’. They’re just ‘really similar’ and enjoy each other’s company.

So, I can’t stop thinking about whether he ever truly loved me, whether he loved me but this exciting new woman came along and cast shade on our life, or whether he doesn’t love me so left me but the other woman really had nothing to do with it (last option is his version of events!!). He now also says he never wanted children and I do feel like he is running away from the drudgery of family life.

Please, help me out here! (I know I may never get answer and I need to move on)

Unfortunately you are unlikely to get clear closure on this. I think your partner sounds like one of these men who doesn't actually know what he wants, or only really wants things in quite a shallow way, so he just goes along with whatever he feels works best for him in the moment.

These men tend to retrospectively rewrite history to fit their current behaviour. Rather than saying "I did want a child but assumed it was going to be a lot easier than it is, and I don't like hard work" they say, "I never wanted a child" (with the nasty implication that you somehow forced them into it).

Rather than saying "I don't really know what love is, but I liked you well enough and it suited me to stay until I found someone else to validate my ego but also ask less of me", they say, "I haven't loved you for years."

There is always an inexplicable gap between what they did at the time and what they say now, and that gap is their own poor character, which is why they never own up to it. I suspect many of them can't even see it because they lack self-awareness.

@CheekyHobson this makes so much sense, it’s spot on! I hadn’t thought of it in such a clear way before. Being ‘in the moment’ and ‘shallow character’ really hit home. I have been thinking recently that maybe I’m going too deep into this, and he’s just fickle with no real depth of emotion.

If you are the sort of person who tends to think things through well/logically and take responsibilities seriously, it's baffling and infuriating to encounter someone who operates very differently, and extremely hurtful when that person is your partner.

Often this shallowness of character doesn't become clear until a substantial responsibility means that person has to choose between a tougher path and an easier one. (It can also be masked by them having a partner who was previously doing more than their fair share, but both partners had less on their plates so it wasn't such a big deal.)

Once you see it, you can't unsee it. You start to notice how selfish and entitled they are in many aspects of life, as well as that they are generally unable to provide explanations for their actions or beliefs that 'ring true'. You also tend to realise that you often over-function for other people.

I've had a very similar experience and years on still shake my head in disbelief at the way my ex seems unable to see the needs and feelings of people other than himself as valid (including, sadly, his own children), the lack of integrity between his words and actions (says one thing and then does another) and the ways he assumes he's entitled to get support from people who he gives no support to in return.

The biggest challenge is getting your head around the unfairness of it all. You can't make someone take responsibility if they don't want to take responsibility, even if they SHOULD take responsibility. At some point you have to accept that all/a much larger share of the responsibility lands on you because your ex is a weak person, and yep it's unfair but you're going to be able to handle it because you're a strong person.

I deal with it by having very strong boundaries with my ex and not giving him one ounce more of my time or energy than is absolutely necessary. I save my time and energy for my kids and other friends and family.

The man's a cunt a gutless one at that, who can't face up to family life.
And what an old slag yo-yo knickers really is, knows he has a young baby and a partner and has a family herself and still sleeps with him, the man who sails through life without earning a proper wage and can't face up to real life, who thinks he's a teenager without any responsibility, and is probably a bit of a ponce.
I'd say you and your baby are well rid, let the deluded pair of cunts carry on.
Your life will be 100% better without another baby to look after.

Hi op I was in your shoes many years ago I know that agony.
He was back and forwards, I was someone he fell back on when he was in between women. I thought I loved him but I didn't I was young and vulnerable, and every time he came back I thought things would be different.
They never were. He wasn't cut out for fatherhood or family life and he went on to have many, many women after me and more kids whose lives he played games with.
From now on try and remind yourself although it's devastating and painful you've been shown what kind of a person he is and you've had a lucky escape. Because he is going to do this time and time again. This is who he is and he is going to ruin lives, you and your baby are young and you will get through it.
He is someone else's problem now, I was where you are and now I just feel sorry for anyone that comes under his radar.
Your anger is good it'll remind you of what he is. 💐