Partner suddenly left, doesn’t love me

[Sparklenote]

First time poster here so please go easy on me.

My partner of 10 years broke up with me a week ago, we have a 14 month old baby girl. Long story short, he’s been unhappy for a while but has blamed it on our cramped living situation so this came as a complete shock to me.

We were in the process of moving to somewhere more spacious and he was (or so I thought) very into the move. Since baby arrived things have been tough after a traumatic birth, adjusting to having a baby, and no support network. Our relationship definitely took a backseat but I feel he was the one to withdraw almost as soon as I became a mother it seems.

I don’t think he’s adjusted well if I’m honest. He can’t handle all of the daily drudgery, it clearly gets him down and he misses his old spontaneous life. He has admitted that he didn’t really want a child now which breaks my heart but does love our baby girl.

However, he is blaming our break up on falling out of love with me and needing to ‘find himself’ and this is where my head is going around in circles. I feel he can’t handle the reality of family life and this is just an excuse to exit. Or, is this a defence on my part? Why do I even care? But I do.

A couple of months ago I uncovered an affair, which he originally denied and insisted they were just good friends. However, after pushing found out she’d been round our place while me and baby were away for the night, and have since both shared a hotel room where they just ‘talked’. I’ve been made to feel like I’m paranoid when in reality my intuition was spot on. After all this I persevered for our family any we were back on track, but I could tell he wasn’t invested and last week found out he saw her again and they spent the night in a hotel room. I asked him to leave after that so I’m on my own now. It’s complicated as they have no future as she is married with three children and will never leave them apparently.

I’m feeling very confused right now. I don’t understand why he would throw away our family for this. Does this sound like someone who’s fallen out of love or someone who just can’t handle being a family man and wants out? I feel devastated as naively thought he loved me, would always have my back, and we’d be together forever. I’m now like a stranger to him and that hurts most of all.

Please, I need a reality check and some hand holding to tell me this gets easier and I’ll be ok. I hate being alone and miss the day to day silly little things that you share with a partner. I’m scared for the future as I have no support network. Financially I may just make ends meet, he doesn’t earn much so I won’t get any child maintenance but he’s agreed to stay on the mortgage for now.

He's not seeing this woman as 'friends'. He's absolutely screwing her, and she's the reason he left. The grass is always greener for men like this. You deserve so much better, and the best revenge is to live well and know he'll likely regret what he's lost.

Sorry it took me ages to reply! I too was full of anger and wanted revenge, but of course I would not have acted on it. I spent as much time away as I could, seeing friends or family for weekends. I also had 2 good friends who were going through or had gone through similar. It took a while until I started to believe I wanted to be on my own, not with a loser and I had got planning my new future. It became my decision and I felt empowered. Not plain sailing but fundamentally a shift in mindset. My dcs are almost grown up and my life isn't perfect but I am happy, with a kind man in my life. You will thrive once you have decided you want to. You will have an exciting new life and be an amazing mum to your beautiful dc
How you doing now?

You start to heal OP by realising he's the weak one not you.

Real-life comes from hard work and family.

So he couldn't leave you before he found OW then, weak.

He can't handle life with one small child, weak.

Booked a hotel room just to talk, either lies or weak..

Hasn't quite worked out OW will be just as mundane in everyday life,dumb and weak.

I hope you have stopped doing any domestic favours for him.

So you step up and be stronger, he doesn't matter. What do you need to do to separate housing arrangements, his financial obligations to daughter and access.

Put the rest on a back burner for now.

I don’t think any of us can tell you if he ever truly loved you or if he’s just been taken by this woman. Unfortunately people can not love their partner and go along with having babies and buying houses. It sounds like he’s not enjoying family life and saying he doesn’t love you is an easy way out, but of course it might be true, as hurtful as that is to hear. This guy is a cheat, so whatever the reason you need to try and remember that even if he had stayed, you’d only end up getting hurt over and over. You’re worth a lot more than that. Write something in your phone notes when you feel like sending him a message. Just stick to communicating with him for the purposes of your child only, like you say you need to keep some dignity and he’s never going to give you a straight answer. Things will be ok, even if they don’t feel it right now. Surround yourself with family and friends and people who care about you.

You can't believe a word he says.
The real reason? Who knows. I suspect he does but it will be so pathetic and self serving that he doesn't want to admit it out loud.
He is probably simply not happy with his old life with you anymore and wants some fun. Hence the risky yet lacking in commitment relationship he's having with the OW. I also very much doubt they're just friends.
Keep angry, sod dignity.
You will be fine and you're setting your DD a fantastic example in the long run.

Google the ‘Chump Lady’ blog, it might help you. She has a book as well. She has a very clear take on this kind of shallow and selfish behaviour.

@Sparklenote you may never get what you feel is closure on this and you just have to store it away as that. Otherwise you can spend the rest of your life asking why.
I know of a young man who did this to his wife and two young children aged 2 nearly 3 and an 8 month old. Had an affair, left his wife and isn't even with the Ow now. He flits from woman to woman and doesn't want a permanent relationship. It pisses me off that they don't realise this before creating a family unit.
Men will say anything when they are desperate to get out of a relationship. I had one tell me he was gay - not true 😂 . My ex h told all kind of lies about our marriage because he wanted to be happy and free. They convince themselves this is the truth because they want an easy way out. Even his son knew what he was saying was a lie. It's not just me saying this. Anyhow as I said you won't get an answer and in time you won't need one. You will have filed him away in a box marked " fucker". Concentrate on getting your day to day life organised. See to finances as regards him making payments. Step by step, hour by hour. You may not see it but you are making progress away from this useless man.

Sorry you are going through this, it is so devastating. But the rewriting of history saying he didn’t love you, he didn’t want a child, etc is all too common.

My ex-H dumped me for someone he had a short affair with. I didn’t see it coming and it was devastating. I thought I would never get over it but I was wrong and I did get over it. It was actually the making of me and it will be the same for you. You do not need a flake and a cheat in your life.

It’s so hard when you want to reach out to them and you know you shouldn’t. Perhaps write him a letter venting all your feelings of sadness and disappointment and emotions then maybe safely set fire to it in a sort of ceremony and let all those feelings go. Get it out of your system and then think right that’s done. You have to look to the future for you and your baby. So hard I know when future looks blank but you must do it

He should pay maintenance. Start thinking about how you will manage with the house. You are not alone you have your daughter to bring up. There is your joy right there.

Same happened to me OP. After 10 years of marriage, 2 kids and 15 years together. He’s just told me he’s left me for a new woman. It hurts and it’s only been 2 months. Every day is a new lesson for me whereas they’re moving in together and accelerating a new life together that will, no doubt, end up in shambles. It’s a slow burn for the cheater but it does catch up eventually, I fully believe that. In the meantime all we can do is work on ourselves and be with our children and be good role models for them. Thinking of you

The cheek of men getting to “walk out”. What should actually happen now is he gets court ordered to look after the baby 50% of the time and pay for 50% of the costs.

Don’t let him swan off back to shag land just because it’s too boring raising a human being.

He's not worth pining for. You do need to arrange your life as it is now, though. Sort out UC to top up income, rent, childcare, if needed, make a claim through CMS etc. How dare he spaff money on hotel rooms. What a waste of skin he is.

I’m not normally one to say tell the OW husband but in this case I would make an exception.
What horrible people they are.

I think you need to claim as much as possible as swiftly as possible & move on.
Easy said I know , but this manchild is no loss .