Feel so so done

[Leopardspots338]

I think I’m on about week 3 of not taking to DH. He is currently sleeping on the sofa.
Our arguments have so far been because:

1. he had 3 weeks off work and hardly did anything round the house. I think I reacted badly to this because of how he used to make me feel when I was a SAHM when the kids were younger
2. I found out he borrowed £11.5K and didn’t tell me about it. He lied when I asked, so when I confronted again, he said he knew I was snooping so was testing me. His finances are his business etc and he will continue to monitor them himself. I’ve paid the bills for the last 6 months just to add.
3. I’ve found his TikTok account which is following hundreds of pretty much pornographic accounts so he has no respect for me.

we have 2 kids. For me to leave, I am going to have to change my hours at work. I am also going to be really financially impacted by this because I put all of the money into the house when we bought it, he contributed nothing.
im worried about how the kids are going to react. I’m worried about even telling him but I just feel so so so done. The silent treatment every time we have an argument is absolutely wearing me down. When I think back to other things that have happened over the years, I don’t know why I stayed other than for the kids.
I know he’s not going to change, we’ve been here too many times now. Am I unfair to say it’s over, or do I give him a chance? I feel like I’m being walked all over to be honest.

thanks for reading x

No no. No. No.

Do not give him another chance. You did that when you married him. They shouldn't ever need a second one.

Divorce is horrible but you can not do this to yourself. You can't stay with this abusive man who is an embarrassment to humankind with his TikTok shit and his I knew you were snooping bollocks.

Thank you for replying so quickly. I feel like for outsiders looking in, it will be me in the wrong as I have made the decision so quickly. But when I look back on everything that’s happened, I don’t know what I was thinking.

This is your life and outsiders have no say in it. Opinion is like a bumhole- everybody has one but don’t let it influence your choice.

Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors.Outsiders don’t have to put up with what you do.

You need a good financial advice to not to get screwed over by your lazy and sleazy H. Don’t settle for crumbs.

I spoke with a mortgage advisor yesterday and it sounds as though unless he has morals and agrees, hes entitled to half regardless. I think if rather be broke than miserable at this point.

Step by step OP. Monday, talk to work about changing your hours. Contact Citizens Advice and ask about your rights to the house. You might even get referred for a free solicitor appointment depending in your area. Go on line to turn2us and do a calculation to see if you'd get any top up benefits, so you know what thinfs would look like. Most importantly, confide in one person, your mum/sister/best mate and tell them you're working on leaving and why. Once you say the words out loud it starts to look more possible.

Thank you. I pretty much told my dad last night that I’m done. I’ve also told my best friend and she completely stands by my side. I had a mortgage advisor meeting yesterday because I didn’t want to go into this blind. I can fully afford to pay everything right now but if I have to buy him out, I don’t think I could manage. I think moving house would kill the kid’s more than splitting up so I just can’t do that. I’m doing all of these things but I just don’t know if I’ll find the courage to tell him to go.

Here is what I am dealing with!

Find a way and move on. You deserve honesty and loyalty.

I stopped loving my h in an instant when he said something disgusting. It took a few months to ask him to leave for different reason. But it doesn't matter how long. It is your life. Your decision.

Honestly the kids won't care about moving. They just need you.

He’s not worth any more heartache. Good for you beginning to see where you stand financially. I expect he’ll fight dirty because you are cutting off his supply! Keep your powder dry while you go about getting all the facts.
If there’s a paper trail of you paying all the deposit and you paying all the bills for the last six months and you are the main carer (assumption there), you may well be awarded more than 50%.

He is sleazy, disrespectful, lazy and lies about finances.

What exactly does he bring to this relationship that’s good?

In my opinion a relationship can’t recover from dishonesty, ultimately it means that your partner is not committed or respectful to you or the relationship. Perhaps with some counselling etc you could resolve it.

That aside being on your own can be hard, only yourself to rely on. The financial impact is significant too.

Only you can decide what to do but I’d suggest thinking it through before taking any action.

Speak to a solicitor instead - you can get an agreement to sell the house once the youngest leaves education.

You can show that you pay for everything.

Ask him to leave

Would you speak to a solicitor before I ask him to leave?

Speak to a solicitor and file for divorce. You can ask him to leave whenever you like, but be aware that he does not have to go if the house is jointly owned.

I think at this point if he is sleeping on the sofa and after everything you've described there is absolutely nothing left to resurrect. I'd ask him to go.

I don't know whether I'd do him the courtesy of bothering to tell him I'd filed for divorce, to be honest. He could discover it when he got the papers. He didn't bother tell you he had borrowed a considerable sum of money, did he?

I saw a solicitor without telling H but he had already moved out. He threatened to move back in but so far he's stayed living with his mother and I doubt he'd dare try now.

Speak to a solicitor to get a heads up. I paid £150 for an initial consultation.

He's a loser and you'll be far better without him.

You haven’t made the decision quickly though. It’s the boiled frog analogy - he’s abused you for years and you’ve put up with it and put up with it and now you’ve cracked and had enough. You’ve reached your limit.

And he is abusive - abuse doesn’t just mean physical stuff. Ignoring you and giving the silent treatment is mental abuse. Taking out loans without your knowledge, and being secretive as well as not contributing financially is financial abuse. Following women on TikTok/porn etc is disrespectful and obviously going to make you lose respect for him.

Sounds like you’re doing the right thing - he sounds horrid.

I do think that’s what has happened and I don’t think I could explain it to him if I tried. Because I’ve had the silent treatment for so long, I’ve given him it back and we’re just stuck now. He’s made his feelings on his finances very clear though that he won’t change, despite me apologising for “snooping” and letting him know how important I find this.
He always turns things back on me, and when I point this out, he’s always got a come back. I am think I know what needs to be done but I am really struggling to do it. I am a different person when I go to work and I am dreading coming home. In a way, I think he’s done me a favour because I’ve realised I can and have paid all the bills so I don’t need him.

OP he is treating you horribly. No way do you need to stay with someone who supports the abuse of women via porn or who takes out secret loans (check if you would be liable for the debt?). I could overlook not doing anything for three weeks if he was ill or exhausted but not if it’s part of a pattern of him being a taker and you doing the contributing and definitely couldn’toverlook the oher two.
Great you are thinking of taking action. Get loads of support in place and hope you can get yourself in the best financial position you can. I really hope you keep the house but peace of mind away from someone who is treating you with utter disrespect and manipulation will be so much better for you.

Please get legal advice OP. Your mortgage adviser is just that - she won't know the law in the same way.

OP, you need solicitor’s advice and a good one. Not a mortgage advisor. In the meantime dig up your (and his if you can) financial history to prove what exactly did you pay into the house.

Kids will be fine,moving house is NOT going to kill them. Yes it is disruptive but they adapt.

Divorce doesn’t happen overnight, there are forms to fill,declare and accept.

Find a rottweiler solicitor and go for a jugular.Take everything you have rightfully put in and whatever more you can. Your H is not your friend (plenty of stories here how they morph into unrecognisable monsters once the shit hits the fan) so keep your cards close to your chest.You are his meal ticket so if you indicate a split he might promise to change 🙄 to keep you (paying for everything)
Why the hell are you paying ALL the bills? How did that happen?

What does he bring to your relationship? Not money or care or respect?

I put £90k inheritance in, he put nothing. I have pensions, he doesn’t. Everything that I am reading says that he is entitled to 50% regardless. The mortgage advisor did say if he had any morals he would agree to me keeping my inheritance and I just by him out 50% of any profit if we were to sell. I really don’t want to move the kids, won’t go into detail but they have the best childhood. I would honestly rather stayed married and be miserable than move. He was a much higher earner than I was. I’ve worked my way up. He’s gone self employed which has been going well until probably September last year. I’ve picked it up. He had 3 weeks not working but is thankfully back now but still hasn’t given me any money, he’s just paid for the food shop the last 2 weeks.

OP ignore the mortgage advisor. They aren't a solicitor and can't give you advice.

Go see a shit hot solicitor. They will be able to advise you on what you can get.