Feel so so done

[Leopardspots338]

I think I’m on about week 3 of not taking to DH. He is currently sleeping on the sofa.
Our arguments have so far been because:

1. he had 3 weeks off work and hardly did anything round the house. I think I reacted badly to this because of how he used to make me feel when I was a SAHM when the kids were younger
2. I found out he borrowed £11.5K and didn’t tell me about it. He lied when I asked, so when I confronted again, he said he knew I was snooping so was testing me. His finances are his business etc and he will continue to monitor them himself. I’ve paid the bills for the last 6 months just to add.
3. I’ve found his TikTok account which is following hundreds of pretty much pornographic accounts so he has no respect for me.

we have 2 kids. For me to leave, I am going to have to change my hours at work. I am also going to be really financially impacted by this because I put all of the money into the house when we bought it, he contributed nothing.
im worried about how the kids are going to react. I’m worried about even telling him but I just feel so so so done. The silent treatment every time we have an argument is absolutely wearing me down. When I think back to other things that have happened over the years, I don’t know why I stayed other than for the kids.
I know he’s not going to change, we’ve been here too many times now. Am I unfair to say it’s over, or do I give him a chance? I feel like I’m being walked all over to be honest.

thanks for reading x

He had 3 weeks not working but is thankfully back now but still hasn’t given me any money, he’s just paid for the food shop the last 2 weeks.

What’s his excuse for that?

Was he contributing half up to being out of work?

You do need to speak to a solicitor.

The mortgage advisor did say if he had any morals he would agree to me keeping my inheritance and I just by him out 50% of any profit if we were to sell.

Its doubtful he will bough out with grace and let you keep what you put in given what you’ve said about him. I’d also worry whether the loan you found out about isn’t just the tip of the iceberg if he’s given to being secretive about money.
You need to keep your cards close to your chest whilst you do some digging I’d say. Also gets copies of everything financial, payslips etc, hide things like dcs passports, photos, sentimental items etc.

He will most likely get nasty when he realises you are serious about divorce.

I get it’s easier said than done but staying in a particular house isn’t a good enough reason to stay in a terrible marriage and be unhappy the rest of your life - if you had to move your dcs would be ok - having a happy mum is a lot more important 💐

Definitely see a solicitor OP. There are quite a few that offer 2 hours for a fixed fee. The court will look how your inheritance has been used when deciding if it should be dealt with as joint property and therefore split. I really hope not for your case.

Thanks all so much for the advice. I wanted to speak to him today but he’s been at golf for 8 hours so far.

And do you get 8 hours off tomorrow whilst he has the kids?

Or is he a shit father as well? Who is funding his golf if he's short of work and money?

The less said the better. You don't need to speak to him, unless you want to hear more of the same. He has been very clear about where he stands from what I can see, don't fool yourself that you've got the power to make him behave differently, you don't. Keep your head down and put your energy into moving foward not going round the same merry go round with him.

Get an appointment with a solicitor, don't tell him, get all of the important documents re finance and family, so passports, debts, mortgage payments, income, pensions etc. As far as possible pretend he's not there, be out with the children a lot, stay cordial for the children. He won't do the right thing and let you keep your inheritance, so don't let that shock you when it doesn't happen. He will be as painful to divorce as he has been to be married to, but there is no way out but through.

Nope I never have ha.
Hes funding it and he’s had 4 parcels delivered this week. Still no money sent for bills!

Don't get hung up on 50% OP.. it's a starting point .. see a shit hot lawyer and go from there .

But then how do I actually get him to leave? I have mirrored his silent treatment back for about 3 weeks now

Check the I believe TR1 document and see if it’s ticked tenants in common or joint tenants. joint is 50/50 in common is a ring fenced agreement.

I had this when I sold the house with my ex. We were joint tenants 50/50 with a 20k deposit. 10k my money and 10k from his parents. They thought they were clever in the gift letter as they only named me but he went joint so I was entitled to 50% legally. He wanted it all back. I said ok well legally I can have half of it so make me an offer, was think maybe he’d say take 3 I’ll have 7. No he just insisted on having all 10.

bear in mind this man who was lovely tbh was seeing another woman whilst telling me he wanted to try again. Yea I took the half.

I would have been up to an agreement but the demanding of it in full made me dig my heels in and I remembered all the bullshit.

breakups bring out the worst in people

How do you get him to leave ?

With great difficulty - an occupation order.

If he is continuously taking out debt you really can't be tied to him as he could secure it against the house/his half

You may be able to get him to leave if you get an occupation order. You need legal advice. I think if you took the line 'it is damaging to the children to be forced to share a house with their father who is giving everyone the silent treatment' it might be possible to get him out.

It isn't good for the children to tolerate an atmosphere where parents are both ignoring each other.

Be aware that you Cld be liable for 50% of his debts too . make the break before he accrues anymore (tax / VAT etc ) .
every case is different so my advice is the same - get the documents together and get a solicitor and understand your position .

My ex refused to leave until I bought him out. He then only went reluctantly. (The split was his choice too, the nob!)

Legally he doesn't have to go until he is bought out.

I was in almost your exact position a couple of years ago, even down to the things your partner has done.
You need to speak to a solicitor to find out your options. Do not let yourself be rushed by anyone, take your time to figure things out. It’s not as clear cut as 50/50 split, given your inheritance that went into the house a good solicitor may be able to come up with a proposal to buy him out. Bear in mind if you buy him out you will have to go thru a brand new mortgage application in just your name.
You will need to have a separation agreement in place which is signed by both of you before buying him out can happen, if you are not divorced yet then the mortgage company will want to have this.
I hope you have lots of support. And as others have said, keep your cards close to your chest when it comes to your ex. Do not tell him your plans, any questions or anything he wants to discuss tell him to go via your solicitor. He is not your friend.