Hubby

[justgettingthroughlife]

Been married 28 years now and hubby's behaviour this last few years is getting intolerable . He can be absolutely fine and then bang he starts being vile to me and DD . For eg last night he told DD he didn't care what her BF thought of him as all he cares about is number 1 ( himself ) this was after he spoke to DD badly and BF heard the convo .
I've asked him why he does it and he says he doesn't know so he knows he's doing it but can't explain why .
It seems to always happen at weekends too and I spend the whole time then on my own miserable lonely upset .
Why is he like this ? What comes over him ? Does he have MH issues that he can't control .
I'm not sure I can go on like this I'm starting to hate him for being so vile . Why can't he just be decent and speak to people in a civil manner

I've asked him why he does it and he says he doesn't know so he knows he's doing it but can't explain why .

I think more important than why he does it - does he care, and want to change his behaviour?

He sounds more like your common or garden abusive man. Gets caught out being abusive (in this case, to your DD) and then doubles down on his abuse.

How old is your DD? I bet she can't wait to move out.

Is there anything linked to when this started - death, work, money, your relationship... It could simply be lashing out as he is unhappy/upset and not dealing with stress well (not an excuse but a reason).

Maybe when he is in a good, relaxed mood bring this up calmly. Explain you want to talk, you love him, he is great at X,Y,Z but you are finding things that are making you miserable. Can you both work together to start to look at this?

DD is 26 and yes she's ready to move out due to the way he speaks to her . As a parent I just don't get how you can be so horrid to your child .

What age is he OP and are there any other health/mind issues going on? I know relatives who had complete personality changes in older age and it was memory loss/dementia.

I have tried talking over and over and over again . He changes for so long then boom it starts again . I don't know where I am with him and I'm tired of trying .
I believe the horrid person is the REAL person and the nice person is just an act which he can't maintain .
I honestly think the only answer is to split up as we've never done that to see if it wakes him up because he's going to end up a very very lonely old man as he has no relatives or family he speaks to and no close friends

He's 61

He sounds like your common or garden abusive man to me too. The nice/nasty cycle of abuse is a continuous one. I would not assume dementia nor MH issues here, he does this because he can and feels entitled to do so. He does not behave like this amongst other people.

i would also think that when your daughter moves out she will not come back readily to visit either of you. You have a choice re this man and your daughter does not.
How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?

What if anything do you know about his childhood and oarents

It's called abuse.

They know what they are doing. They just don't care. Like he said 'all thar matters is number 1'.
He means that. He's just your standard every day rank rotten narcissist.

I hope to goodness your daughters boyfriend is nice. It sounds like it as he's stood up to your shit of a husband. But you having stayed with this bellend for years as he bullied your daughter...you'll be lucky if she can continue to pick good men unfortunately. It does untold damage to stay with bullies who bully your child, and you, infront of the child.

Also, he acts up on weekends - to.spoil.your.weekend. They do not like holidays or special occasions or anything that isn't all about them so they ruin them. They also, want you to be exhausted and constantly thinking about them.

It's abuse op. Plain and simple. He's not mentally ill, he's just an evil fucker.

Get out of there and finally show your daughter that you choose her. And that women are not and should never be, rehab for damaged men.

If he will agree, take him to your GP.
Early onset dementia?
Good luck OP. You might have some challenges and big decisions ahead.

Agree that this is a possibility.

Are there any other changes, such as difficulty focusing, clumsiness, unusual lapses in memory?

Might not be a bad idea to get him in to the GP, if he will cooperate.

He’s been acting like this for years because he can. I don’t think this is at all anything to do with dementia.

Abusers never cooperate, it is those on the receiving end of abuse who try and cooperate.

No he's fine with other people in fact if I told my friends how he is I doubt they would even believe me

He's 1 of 3 mum and dad left them all to their own devices . They were loved but mum and dad came first . Dad was a horrid man his mum spent all her latter years with her daughter . He was once vile to my DD when she was about 6 I'll never forget it horrid man

I don't think he would ever admit that he may have a problem . Is this early onset dementia behaviour ??

He does know but of course he can't say, I do it because I like throwing my weight around and making you all feel confused.

He needs pity for being so pathetic. He has to make himself feel better by making others feel shit.

This could not be more true, we waste endless time trying to work out why they behave the way they do and what 'magic' words we can use to make them see sense and behave decently and none of it will or can work. This is who they are and I think you're right OP, the only answer is to split up and yes, he will end up a lonely old man.

So history is repeating itself. He's a horrid man too. Might not be as bad as his dad, but he's his father's son. And evidently, he can choose his behaviour. And chooses to be horrid to his family.

Attila asking all the right questions to draw your attention to these things. And now you're hopefully starting to see.

Has he got a health issue that is causing stress? Is he struggling at work because he's 61 and worn out? If this is a new development, there is likely to be something going on. He still needs to say sorry though and stop.

Well there you go. This is precisely why your husband is the ways he is. He is very much a product of his own rotten sounding upbringing.

You have a choice re this man, your daughter does not. Do you want to remain with him?.

I'm not a doc, but there are many types of dementia, Alzheimer's disease being the most common.
Many of them have memory loss as the first symptom, but there's something called Huntington's Disease which leads to episodes of rage, with dementia as a later symptom.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/huntingtons-disease/symptoms/#:~:text=involuntary%20jerking%20or%20fidgety%20movements,increasingly%20slow%20or%20rigid%20movements

I would think his parents never said sorry to their now adult children either.

Abusers never say sorry nor accept any responsibility for their actions. It is far easier to blame others, in this case your daughter and you, for his behaviour which after all is a choice. The fact he can turn this on and off at will too does not suggest dementia or any health problems. You’ve stated too he does not act like this around other people. To an abuse the image of a nice family man presented to the outside world is of paramount importance.

He's always been a very very sarcastic man just over the past few years he's definitely got worse . I speak to my mum about it and she says " oh god it's weekend again " !!
I'm struggling atm with my MH and the menopause but I'm beginning to wonder if it's him who is the issue which no amount of medication will resolve

We get caught in a cycle of 'how can I excuse this bad behavior' in order to survive life with them. How can I downplay it? How can I understand it? How can I excuse it? What have I done to cause or deserve it? How can I change ME to fix it? On and on...

The trick is to stop the merry go round and get off it. Stop trying to understand or fix him. The most likely reason for people treating you like crap your whole marriage, is that they are rotten people. There's no hidden thing that you haven't discovered. No, 'right words' to make him into a good person.

He walks like a duck and quacks like a duck? He's probably a du(/i)ck.

There's nothing to suggest dementia. He's always been this way. He can control who he acts this way towards.

It's hist trying to make another excuse.
Rather than facing up to having spent lots of your life woth a horrible man. That's a hard thing to come to terms with. But, you have years ahead. Don't wallow with your head in the sand anymore. Take charge and get out.

Fuck spending your retiring years with an asshole. Don't you want a peaceful life?