Hand hold please

[CM97]

Feeling so sad today. I was dumped unexpectedly 3 weeks ago and am still reeling. Our relationship had been a rollercoaster... together for 11 months and I thought we were so in love. I was so insecure with him. I thought it was because I'd come off my antidepressants but now I'm not so sure. Im wondering if he was the reason I became insecure and anxious.

What do you think about the following?

1. I once added a few of his friends on Facebook after they had liked a post. He made me unfriend them. He said it was weird. He didn't want me talking to his family.

1. He would be so affectionate and loving, very attentive and kind, until there was any stress. Then he would threaten to break up with me, or he would actually do it. Then I would persuade him to carry on, and the loving would return. The stresses that caused this were invariably me having any type of emotion that wasn't happy or me being a bit grumpy that he had changed plans. This cycle happened every 2-4 weeks.

1. The constant fear of him leaving meant I became so insecure. This annoyed him because he felt I pressured him into seeing me etc.

1. We were planning a future together, we both have kids but when my youngest had left home in 2 years we planned that I would move in.

1. If I tried to talk to him, he would say I was being difficult/hard work/over reacting/picking a fight. All he ever wanted was happiness and fun.

1. I just wish I could have been different with him, I wish I had learned how to avoid causing these issues. I wish I could have stayed the happy, secure and independent 52 year old that I was when we met. Then we would still be together. 💔

Well thanks to you lovely lot I have realised that my ex was an abusive, manipulative, and controlling prick. Right from the start he was manipulating my emotions (in the first month of seeing each other he cancelled a date at the time we were supposed to meet and then got cross when I was l pissed off about it - yes I know I should have left then). He made me a shadow of who I was, anxious, depressed, needy and insecure. I refuse to be beaten by this and am determined to go on and have a healthy relationship with someone else before I'm too old (almost 53 😔). I've sorted some therapy but am looking for recommendations for books to read about relationships. Any ideas?

Thank you for sharing. I don't know how I'm going to be strong enough

For a 52 year old, you're very very naive.

Urghhh bumping this because I'm having a bad day today. Missing him so much, I've unblocked him on social media and sent this a short message saying I hope he is well and have a great weekend. (We were going to London with friends to a rugby match)
I'm just thinking maybe if I was different we'd have worked.

Hi

You have made it this far. It is easy to romanticise a situation when you have been out of it for a while. The reality is different. Keep your feet on the ground and now March to your own tune. 🌸

Yes you are probably right about romanticising, but it felt so good when it worked ie I behaved 😔

Control and expecting you to remain happy despite your known anxiety as well as everyday usual life is unnatural behaviour.
Here you have to pull through and surround yourself with good friends and family.
Never doubt your own emotions and feelings because of a man.
We all know we have a gut instinct which asking about these examples tells you his behaviour is Controlling and emotionally abusive.
He will never change, is it always your fault?
Leave and find a person who accepts you as you are.
Look after yourself and your anxiety.
This guys hopefully not pursuing you anymore for more of the same.
That's all it ever will be.

Narcissists usually are ..: it’s a very fundamental character trait of theirs that gets you sucked in, just like you seem to be.

This was in response to op saying he was very charming and charismatic.

11 months is a short relationship. Too much too soon. Far too much drama.

Well he's been in contact -

1. He still loves me.
2. He misses me/us
3. Everything is still there between us.

And ... he's been on 2 dates, can we stay friends and if the dates don't work out then who knows?

I'm heartbroken again and have been pleasdng with him to reconsider.

He's a headfucker and bored and picking you up like a toy to play with to feed his ego. Plead with him, but for him to frig off and block him. You don't want this stupid drama in your life. He's laughing up his sleeve at you.

Honestly OP, at this point you have to ask yourself why you keep engaging with him? You ended it, you freed yourself, but then you unblocked and messaged him and (surprise surprise) he’s sent you a message that messed with your head. So he loves you but he’s been on dates with other people so you can just be friends and he can keep you on the hook in case the others don’t work out?! Why are you settling for being his consolation prize?

Please don't re start this relationship. Have you forgotten how insecure and confused he made you feel? The nice him is an illusion. He will drag you back in, and you will end up feeling like shit all over again!

Yes, I think you are right about his ego. And the laughing. I have blocked him again and will leave it that way.

So I made an error - I thought I'd blocked him on everything. It turns out I hadn't blocked him on text messages. So 1am this morning, he messages. How am I/how sorry he is/how wrong he was/how he misses me/thinks about me everyday/how his current relationship is temporary and a mistake/how he loves me and always will...

We messaged for 2 hours. I told him it's wrong to be contacting me when he's with someone else. I'm in therapy, I'm doing really well after completely falling apart when we split up. The draw to him is still there, it's so strong.

Someone talk some sense into me please?