Hand hold please

[CM97]

Feeling so sad today. I was dumped unexpectedly 3 weeks ago and am still reeling. Our relationship had been a rollercoaster... together for 11 months and I thought we were so in love. I was so insecure with him. I thought it was because I'd come off my antidepressants but now I'm not so sure. Im wondering if he was the reason I became insecure and anxious.

What do you think about the following?

1. I once added a few of his friends on Facebook after they had liked a post. He made me unfriend them. He said it was weird. He didn't want me talking to his family.

1. He would be so affectionate and loving, very attentive and kind, until there was any stress. Then he would threaten to break up with me, or he would actually do it. Then I would persuade him to carry on, and the loving would return. The stresses that caused this were invariably me having any type of emotion that wasn't happy or me being a bit grumpy that he had changed plans. This cycle happened every 2-4 weeks.

1. The constant fear of him leaving meant I became so insecure. This annoyed him because he felt I pressured him into seeing me etc.

1. We were planning a future together, we both have kids but when my youngest had left home in 2 years we planned that I would move in.

1. If I tried to talk to him, he would say I was being difficult/hard work/over reacting/picking a fight. All he ever wanted was happiness and fun.

1. I just wish I could have been different with him, I wish I had learned how to avoid causing these issues. I wish I could have stayed the happy, secure and independent 52 year old that I was when we met. Then we would still be together. 💔

Relationships like this are like a drug. As you said the good times were so good that you became addicted to that part. He was manipulating you, using intermittant reinforcement to keep you hooked on the highs.
It wasn't you, nothing you could have done would have made a difference. It was most definitely him.
Read Natalie Lue 'Baggage Reclaim' and Lundy Bancroft ' Why does he do that?' to understand more about this kind of manipulative behaviour. You've dodged a bullet, honestly.

Why would someone do that? Surely you wouldn't deliberately cause upset and stress in a relationship. This is why I think it was me that was causing it.

OP, they do it because they can! The element of control was there from the begining in getting you to do what he wanted. These types employ the push/pull to put you on the back foot and destabilise you. It's manipulative OP, he only ever wanted the good times and the 'pink and fluffy' you, then if you disagreed he threatened to leave you to make you comply.
Please read the books l've mentioned and also look into doing the Freedom Programme as a pp suggested to help you understand.

Stop blaming yourself. He sounds like he's got major problems, main thing is he's not your problem!!!. Good luck moving forward.

Can I just say, THIS right here is what makes you strong! He tried to control you into submission, but you were strong and could not change your behaviour to accede his every will. He gave in before you did! Keep that strength now and remove him from your life entirely. Dump his stuff. Delete his number. We're all proud of you!

Classic narcissistic tendancies, pulling you in then pushing you away, hoovering etc. You sound a little deluded about this relationship. He sounds very controlling. You're much better away from this man.

This is abuse. You know it is. Would you treat another human being so cruelly? Would you make them remove your family and friends off their fb and call them weird for wanting to connect with them? Would you refuse to listen to your partner when they were expressing sadness or distress? Would you pick fights with them for wanting to connecr with you on a deeper level.

As someone whos lost 4 years of my life and happiness to a man like this. You are where i was 2 years ago when he dumped me out of the blue for challenging him on his feelings for me. This came off the back of him messaging his ex telling her he was crying over her. I went through his phone because my body was screaming at me to look because he was being shady. I already knew. As you already know.

I went back. I was sucked back in 8 months later after he had finished flirting with my friend i fell out with. He by that point had also had a trip to greece with a woman i had never heard of. They are all for themselves.

Its not you.

Look at videos on youtube

Narc con
Ask anuskha

He doesnt have to be a narcissist. But hes 100% using manipulation, silent treatment, passive aggresive behaviour and blame shifting to make you feel like a needy little paranoid freak that has a massive problem. But you arent! You are wanting normal levels of respect.

Im going to be honest. Its a long road to recovery. You need to be strong before he comes back. Because he will be back. Once he is struggling or needs attention and nothing is coming easily.

Please work so hard on yourself right now. Dont become me. Set yourself free from this mans power. X

I'm so sorry it happened to you. The thing is, I want him back so badly. I feel like I've lost part of me. It felt so good when we were together.

@CM97 - can’t you see from your examples that he wanted everything on his terms?

A healthy relationship feels easy - you don’t feel insecure. You feel comfortable and safe to bring things up. I think adding friends of his on social media was a bit of an overstep but we all make mistakes and it was totally fixable.

In a good relationship, you can chat these things through and move on. Nothing else you’ve mentioned doing sounds wrong and please, please do not fall into the trap of fundamentally changing to suit a man.

You need to realise that the relationship you thought you had was all on this man's terms.
If a friend told you a man was behaving like this to her, you would recognise it for for the coercive and controlling and abusive behaviour it was.
I don't mean to be rude, but you need to stiffen your spine and perhaps get some therapy. This type of behaviour is destructive and relationships like this have only one outcome = pain and trauma.

Everything you are feeling is because of his appalling controlling treatment of you.
you are still second guessing yourself and beating yourself up because he’s done a right number on you.

he would have reduced you to a shadow of yourself and was doing a good fist of it already.

anyone who behaves in the ways he is done is not capable of or interested in a healthy long term loving and respectful relationship. They are ONLY bothered about themselves, getting what they want and looking for ways to feel good at someone else’s expense for as long as that lasts and is pleasurable and convenient.

he’s not a charming, charismatic man he’s a pathetic control freak who absolutely does not care about you. The trick is coming to terms with that and still loving and respecting yourself. Because you should.

@johntorodesfatcheeks

"They are ONLY bothered about themselves, getting what they want and looking for ways to feel good at someone else’s expense for as long as that lasts and is pleasurable and convenient. "

Yes, I think this is what he wanted. His wife had died. He used me. Although I think he might have been similar with her tbh, he said she was insecure and clingy. Now I am wondering why. He kept a list of things I had done wrong, when I challenged him about it he said he had one for his wife as well so I just accepted it.

“He kept a list of things I had done wrong, when I challenged him about it he said he had one for his wife as well so I just accepted it.”

That is an unnatural and unhealthy way to behave. Did he list things he had done wrong, I wonder? Did he keep a list of things his wife or you did right? It’s a huge abuser red flag. Honestly, @CM97, women are insecure and clingy around him because he’s emotionally dangerous. It’s very sad his wife never got away from him.

Sounds like a lucky escape to me. You deserve better. Good luck xx

the fact he kept a list of things you had done wrong shows you what a bully he is also lacking in any king of self awareness as to how cringeworthy and deluded this sort of behaviour is.
Hope you are starting to see just how much of a bullet you’ve finally dodged.

"I just wish I could have been different with him, I wish I had learned how to avoid causing these issues."

No, no, no. YOU didn't cause this. He was abusive and controlling and it's a good thing that he's gone. It's early days. Give yourself time to grieve and you will get back to your old self.

And STOP blaming yourself. He is the one with issues, not you.

No... I suggested he kept one of things I'd done right and he said it would be very short. 😔
I am so sad for her.

I can't stop thinking that I could have fixed it though. Then we would have been happy together.

You always think that and then you realise it's them, moving the goalposts no nobody could ever score. I don't know why these horrible men even bother with relationships. Nobody will ever match up for them.

“He kept a list of things I had done wrong, when I challenged him about it he said he had one for his wife as well so I just accepted it.”

😮He's a bloody maniac.

What do you think about the following?

What do you actually want from this thread, OP? Because you listed a lot of things and every single poster so far has told you he is abusive, he is controlling and that no matter what you did he would have twisted it.

And to every single thing that is explained to you you keep coming back and basically wringing your hands and repeating, 'But I keep thinking if only I'd behaved better we would still be together'.

You aren't actually listening. I'm not sure whether you want people to tell you 'Yes - you are the problem and you can fix this', but that's pointless. You are not the problem. He is. Why ask the question if you don't want the answer? There is no point in everyone telling you he's an abuser if you keep insisting that you and your insecurities were the problem.

Wise up, block him - and next time look for someone who isn't a complete twat. And frankly, at 52 you should know this. Think about the example you are setting for your youngest DC who is still at home, and has presumably watched this shit show of a relationship decimate you. That perhaps feels blunt, but it is meant kindly. You aren't getting anywhere with the self flagellation.

I'm so concerned about your deflecting with "what if" and "I should have" and "I could have" and "if only"...you are not prioritising the right person here. You have some seriously detrimental type of glasses that need ripping off. You are harming yourself, willingly.

You are right. Thank you 😔

Just to echo everyone else: you would do so much better with your mental health if you tried to move on from this relationship. You can't fix him. You will always be treated like this. Best to dump him, I think.

You need to find a way of educating yourself that he is beyond repair

Just know, there is NOTHING you could ever do to please a man like this, NOTHING. Don’t even kid yourself you could fix anything, he is a controlling bully, and will forever move the goal posts. Please read all the material that has been recommended to you, and block him on everything.