This is my first post - and I'm honestly not sure if I'm losing my mind, so please bear with me and be gentle. I am truly incredibly upset, perhaps wrongly.
I have been with my husband for over 30 years. We have two daughters together and in many ways a good life. But we have reached a crisis point. Or rather, I have.
During our whole relationship, for context, we have had problems because he tells lies. Not necessarily big lies, just a lot of lies all the time, even about small stupid things that don't matter. He says he doesn't lie about any big things, so doesn't see the issue really. Although obviously that is his definition of big things, certainly not mine, and as he lies, who knows if it's true? His lies have affected his career as well as his marriage.
He has various mental health issues, which are mainly under control now because he is on antidepressants. Apparently the lying started before I knew him, he remembers lying a lot as a child. He lies to everyone, not just me.
The help I need is to know whether I'm over-reacting to our latest problem. When my children were small, over a decade ago, I came to realise that my husband was watching a lot of porn. By a lot, I mean every day, sometimes multiple times. Not only was he watching it, but he was also watching porn instead of spending time with me and our children. He had a senior job and would work long hours with a lot of extra hours at home in the evening- he rarely if ever spent an evening with me.
When I discovered his porn habit I checked his laptop and it turned out when he had been telling me that he couldn't help put the children to bed because he was working, or couldn't spend time with me because he was working he was actually watching porn. It also wasn't strictly just porn sites, but also sites where there was potential to chat with the women if you paid. I found no evidence he'd done that. This caused a lot of upset and he agreed that he wouldn't look at porn any more. Not so much because I had an issue with porn (which I didn't then - I've kind of changed that view lately after a few documentaries I've watched about the way women are treated, but I'm not strictly anti porn) but because it was replacing our relationship. I accepted that and basically never checked his internet history again.
About two months ago I walked into my husband's office during the work day (he works from home one day a week) and something about the way he covered something up caught my eye. I asked him what he was hiding and he said it was nothing. I asked him if he was lying to me and he said "I'm not lying to you". I said I felt like he was gaslighting me and he swore he was not gaslighting me. I felt uncomfortable, but I left the room.
About 30 seconds later instead of sighing and ignoring my instinct that he was lying to me like I usually do, I went back into the room and - surprise, he tries to hide his tablet but he's looking at porn again.
To cut a long story short, it turns out he's been doing this again for at least the last five years. He told me it was once a week, which actually I would not have really cared about other than the lying part, but when I looked at his internet history it was every day, sometimes more than once. Again sometimes at times when he was 'working' in the evenings. Also when he slept in the spare room after disagreements that I'm now wondering if he was deliberately starting so he could go in there and watch porn.
This time it's also mainly on Twitter rather than porn sites and looking at the videos there are a percentage of what he's watched which are made by escorts touting for business or women from onlyfans. I don't know if he clicked through or interacted. His internet history also has searches for "have an affair" and strip clubs and brothels near his office. He says he didn't click through or visit them and says he'd never search for that stuff so he doesn't know how it's in his history. Obviously this is bullshit. I can't tell from the data I saw how far this went, because most of it he has deleted. Some of what he watched is pretty extreme. Not illegal, but slightly unusual by general standards - I am not a prude and was aware of his prefs around some of this stuff - was happy to explore it with him when we were still having a normal sex life, although it's really not my thing.
He says the reason he was looking at porn is because we don't have sex much any more. This is true this time (although not the first time) - we don't, about five years ago I caught him in a lie that made me distrust whether he is sleeping with other people/escorts (I have no hard evidence he was so had to leave it there, with a suspicion level that I couldn't get comfortable with) and so I stopped wanting to have sex with him. We probably only had sex fortnightly. When we did, he often couldn't orgasm anyway which he blamed on his antidepressants. Ironically I thought they had taken away his sex drive - turns out it was just because he was watching porn every day and was more interested in that than in me. He still had a sex life and wanted it, it just didn't include me.
About two weeks before I discovered this we had had a conversation about his lying where he told me emphatically he never lies to me about big stuff and specifically mentioned that he no longer looks at porn, never has affairs etc. Unfortunately, he is a very good liar. He seems completely believable when he lies and I think I believed him although I knew I was stupid to. If you met him you'd think he was a lovely guy and very charming. He has always got away with lying because he is charming and attractive and a very good liar.
To cut a long story short, he says I'm abnormal at being upset about this and has been pretty horrible to me about it - even when I'm crying. He seems more angry than contrite. He says he shouldn't have lied, but all men watch porn and I'm the unusual one being upset about this. He says as far as he's concerned it causes no harm and he enjoys it and he thinks I'm essentially unreasonable not wanting him to do it which is why he did and lied about it. He also says he's sick of talking about it.
I think for me the issue is that it's so frequent and also it seems that he has chosen ways to view it that would allow interaction if you wanted it. He also says "I'm not even on Tinder" as if that's some great moral accomplishment. When I replied 'because you're married' he said 'most people are on it' and when pushed said "fine, maybe not most people who are married". Frankly I think he has a lot of issues, even when we are out he regularly stares at other women in front of me. I presume he's addicted to porn and I guess reading this back he's definitely not attracted to me any more.
I suppose I just want perspectives on whether I'm being crazy and unreasonable as my husband says. I don't know how to move forward with this. I have been with him since I was a teenager and I feel like I'm ripping the whole family apart if I leave him over what he sees as trivial. I think about what it will be like at my daughters' weddings and the plans we had for retirement and our future grandchildren and it just breaks my heart. I can't ask anyone around me for perspective because I'm embarrassed - embarrassed by what he's doing and by my stupidity for not leaving him sooner.
Stupidly, and I know I'm an idiot- trust me I feel bad enough about myself - I still love him enormously despite all this. I wish I didn't. We have spent our whole lives together and often it was good as long as I buried my head a bit about the lying. I'm also in my fifties and I can't face the thought of having to date etc. and honestly, I think I'd find it very hard to find someone interested now. I was attractive when younger but I'm definitely not now.