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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Here again...

30 replies

HermioneRuby1 · 24/04/2024 22:01

I've posted on here a few times due to serious communication issues within my relationship and just when I think we've made progress we take two steps backwards.
Tonight getting in from work DD who is home earlier on a Weds had made some food and drinks for herself and left a load of mess in the kitchen and DH over heard me saying to her to step up and clear up after herself and said immediately to me I needed to stop being negative. So clearly not in the greatest of moods. I didn't comment despite feeling undermined and not like I was being unreasonable as knew it would escalate if I did so went into my little office room to do a little more work.
DH comes in to put something on the airer which is next to me and as he does he briskly pushes my empty coffee cup across my desk, I said please don't he said he hardly did anything and I stupidly said if you were working on here and I'd have done that you'd have said the same thing! He took exception to this I immediately said sorry.
He then proceeded to bang about and when I asked why was he banging he walks back in and does off on one at me.
Not the first time he has over reacted to the smallest of things but once in that space there is no coming back for hours.
He left for the gym and has since come home eaten dinner in silence and gone upstairs.
I'm just keeping low key out of the way but who knows how long he will be like this! I have in the past tried to talk but told him after last time how it effects me and is unreasonable and unless he is willing to talk about it and resolve it like adults I am not going to waste my breath.
Not sure why I came on here more to vent I think and help me stay strong. I'm sure it will work itself out and when he's ready to talk I will listen appreciate his perspective and apologise for my part but he has to accept responsibility for his over reaction and grow up.

OP posts:
Mnk711 · 24/04/2024 22:09

I think you need to let him cool down then approach him in an adult-adult way (not parent-child) and ask him why he thinks you two keep arguing and how he feels about it. Express how you feel but try to keep it future focused rather than you did X which was annoying. It sounds like you are both picking at each other which happens when there's stuff going on in the background, stress at work etc. I'd try to focus on what outcome you want and then discuss about how to get there - what sets him off? What sets you off? How can you avoid it? And try to think positively about each other as much as possible (very hard I know when they are driving you mad!).

HermioneRuby1 · 25/04/2024 07:35

Thank you for the reply and good advice.
I endeavour to do just that when he finally drops the silent treatment and decides to speak to me.

OP posts:
Nicebloomers · 25/04/2024 07:42

Do you think the relationship is worth persisting with? It’s seems that he is looking for ways to undermine or goad you and then controls all the lines of communication. Is he ever actually kind/ caring/ supportive/ fun?

HermioneRuby1 · 25/04/2024 08:08

I do for the most time and he is a good guy deep down. In these moments it crosses my mind when the silent treatment starts to take its toll on me.
When we have talked about it after last time he agreed he knows he does it and needs to work on it but reverts to it being triggered by me and something I've said.
That something is often the smallest of things as in this instance and I have tried to explain that there are times when we will disagree or not like something someone has said but we both need to address it in the right way and blowing up then stopping all communication is not going to do anything but cause pain. It can't be nice for him feeling this way toward me all the time.
I am more and more feeling like it's best not to react to anything from him so it doesn't bother him. Maybe I am just wasting my time x

OP posts:
GerbilsForever24 · 25/04/2024 08:17

So... let me get this straight. He was unhappy you told uour dd off (either because you WERE too harsh or because he is just one of those people who doesn't think you should)and has ago at you. Then, he bangs around in your space to express his displeasure. You then get a bit irritated and he is now giving you the silent treatment?

And you are waiting like a small dog for him to be willing to talk, at which point you will take responsibility for whatever set him off and apologise?

I am guessing he will have lined up 2 issues - you talking to.your dd and then, the bit he will be REALLY upset about is that you were a bit snappy with him in the office.

Pretty classic controlling behaviour here. You are not supposed to have opinions, you can't do anything that might make him look bad (eg telling off your dd is bad because it suggests that he was also in the wrong because he was at home and should have already told her). And you are not allowed to ever be irritated.

I don't see this getting better if you have been on here multiple.times.

Tadpole10 · 25/04/2024 08:17

This is horrible for you OP. About 10 years ago I read on MN that sulking is abuse and it resonated so hard with me. Withdrawing affection, communication, deliberately making someone feel uncomfortable, wary, lonely and walking on eggshells- it absolutely is abusive. Also the controlling element of the sulker deciding when that treatment will or won't stop is even more disempowering and upsetting for the victim. Some sulkers use it as a weapon to punish and train you to behave how they want.

My now DH was a sulker right at the start of our relationship. I made it really clear it was abusive behaviour and I was absolutely not tolerating it. He had learned the sulking behaviour from his mum who was a phenomenal sulker in her day. Luckily my DH is emotionally quite articulate and we did discuss the sulking and he got rid of it from his habits. Proving it was a choice! Absolutely would not be still with him if the sulks continued. Would your DH be able to have a mature discussion about it? If you picked a moment when you were relaxed together and he wasn't mid sulk sometime?

Nicebloomers · 25/04/2024 08:22

I think you’re being too generous. It sounds like you are walking on eggshells. The ‘he’s a good guy deep down’ makes me roll my eyes every time I hear it. How deep down exactly? If you are modifying your behaviour on the off chance he might over react badly to the slightest thing then he’s not a good guy and you’ve been conditioned by him. He’s not concerned about it not being nice for you in the way you say you empathise with how not nice it is for him. You’re not his emotional punching bag, he’s acting like a 13 year old.

You need to have an adult conversation with him and put your foot down. If someone treated me that way the consequence is i’m off!

Peakfreens · 25/04/2024 09:43

He's a twat, and I believe he enjoys it.

ontheflighttosingapore · 25/04/2024 09:46

Life's too short for this

HermioneRuby1 · 25/04/2024 16:47

Thanks for the answers all, I am struggling today still getting the cold shoulder and I want talk to him and sort it out but can't help think standing my ground and acting like it's not impacting me in any way is the best option. Here's when I think whatever I said in the moment to piss him off can't possibly justify one two evenings of this.
I know also if I try to talk it won't end well as he will continue to blame me for his behaviour.
I'm in limbo for now and a previous poster is right I am like this loyal dog waiting for its owner to be nice to them. This is utterly shit!!!

OP posts:
MrsDoubtfire24 · 25/04/2024 16:51

I’d go and stay with a friend or relative for a few days. And I’d do it every single time.

GerbilsForever24 · 25/04/2024 16:56

Personally, I'd be telling him to get out of the house if he can't behave like a grown up.

HermioneRuby1 · 26/04/2024 16:22

Well we're on day 3 and counting and it's not looking like he's interested in making any effort to speak to me.
He did message me this morning as we have plans tonight with the kids to say are we going? I replied with I would like to but we need to talk first. His reply was yes or no are we going? I said yes. Not sure why kids should miss out but he has continued to ignore me since coming in this afternoon and spoken to the kids only having banter with them and laughing.
Should be interesting this evening but I have resolved to keep calm and carry on. God give me strength!
When he decides to speak to me and is not sulky and in a position where he will hear me I will tell him if this cannot happen again.

OP posts:
GerbilsForever24 · 26/04/2024 16:48

He will not hear you. Sorry.

AgentJohnson · 26/04/2024 16:50

but reverts to it being triggered by me and something I've said.

How convenient. Stop acting like he has no control or insight over his behaviour. He consistently reverts to immaturity because he knows you will take it and he’s a man baby.

You sound like a woman worn down by his immaturity and who can’t quite acknowledge that this supposed grown up, can’t be arsed to put the work in and not be a total douche.

category12 · 26/04/2024 17:27

he is a good guy deep down.

How deep down?! Are you sure you're not just hoping there's this seam of good buried deep within him?

Honestly if you have to dig for goodness in a person, then really, they're not good.

The silent treatment is an emotionally abusive behaviour and it sounds like he emotionally abuses you in other ways.

Nicebloomers · 26/04/2024 22:26

God what an insufferable prick. You should have ignored his texts. Or just uninvited him from the plans.

Myglassishalffullish · 26/04/2024 22:35

This bloke is a complete tosser, he isn’t interested, nothing is going to change unless you change it.
Stop waiting for him to decide to speak to you- you’re wasting your time and energy.
Here it is, my first LTB…. You’re welcome 💁🏼‍♀️

DaisysChains · 26/04/2024 22:41

I am more and more feeling like it's best not to react to anything from him so it doesn't bother him

I implore you to seek outside help because this is essentially him having trained you to be a silent passive entity not an equal and respected partner

I have been there and believe me - even silent, even passive, even barely fucking breathing, there will be some ‘fault’ found because what is wanted is a barney so there is an excuse to metaphorically kick the shit out of their target

my advice is to leave asap because ‘metaphorically’ often leaves the sentence above

HermioneRuby1 · 27/04/2024 10:29

I have asked to talk today after the event last night we attended he barely spoke and I made no effort to try again following me asking to talk and him avoiding the request
I said this morning we need to talk , he said there's nothing to talk about so I said I need to talk!
I started to say the silent treatment needs to stop and couldn't believe my ears when he started to get angry and call me out for saying he's not spoken to me for days as I haven't spoken to him either.
I barely was able to explain why I didn't try this time before he said he can't be arse to listen to how I feel.
He's nipped out and I asked if we could sit down and discuss this like adults,
One way or another this ends today.

OP posts:
Nicebloomers · 27/04/2024 10:47

Wow. He just keeps getting more and more audacious. I’d be done at this point. You can’t live like this.

Nicebloomers · 27/04/2024 10:48

Just don’t engage with him and start the divorce. 2 can play that game. I’m astounded by his assholery.

JustRubySnake · 27/04/2024 10:58

Sorry wrong post

Nicebloomers · 27/04/2024 10:59

@JustRubySnake you need to start your own thread x

JustRubySnake · 27/04/2024 11:00

Sorry I thought I was!! I can't remove it. IV never used this before. I'm so sorry