Making Friends in Your 40’s

[DaisyP22]

Hi

I’d love some tips on how to make new friends. It was easy when the kids were little, however some friends moved away, some drifted apart during Covid, others turned out not to be who I thought they were.

I do have a few good friends to socialise with, but not anyone I can necessarily turn to if I had a problem, and I haven’t had a best friend for years. I work remotely so I’m not gaining any new friends through work.

Is it even possible to create new great friends at this age? I’m thinking of joining a club or something, I’d appreciate any advice.

Thanks

Hi op clubs good. My friend in a choir/drama group they always out. I have a small group of good friends. Found people really flaky lately days replying to texts or they meet u once thats it! Its like nobody wants hassle or effort of it. 😐

Yes it is possible but very hard work. Finding a group or hobby that meets regularly could definitely help. Are there any opportunities for you to volunteer where you live? Reconnect with old friends? Join a walking/hiking group?

It’s about finding out what you’re interested in and starting to spend time doing those things. You might have to be brave and ask people if they fancy a coffee or a drink and go from there.

Or try online apps such as meet up or even the BFF feature on Bumble.

People will recommend certain activities on here but if that’s not your thing you won’t meet likeminded friends. Discover what you enjoy and use that as a starting point.

Have you heard of meetup? I used it a lot in the past.

Or is there anything like this in your area? https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-68844519

Agree with pps suggestions.

I would also agree to be emotionally prepared for a bit of a slog, and have patience!

Many people won't have time to prioritise a new solo female friend. If you do join a group they can be cliquey and unwelcoming or overdramatic.

(The people who latch onto you may be predatory or needy or difficult, so you won't want them anyway!).

Often people aren't interested or flaky unless you have something to offer - say you're super extroverted or well connected or host all the time.

So have patience and keep an open mind as to how things may look.

(I take an online course which has turned out after a year to be a great social space - but everyone's in America and we're on Zoom.

Or "Shut Up and Write" is great if you're working remotely).

Self-care can be more reliable than having a friend to confide in.

You may have some nice ad-hoc events or nights out, but nothing solid.

The people who are available and "out there" may not be your kind of people.

Meetups can be cool, but (depending on location) can be dominated by awkward or creepy or transitional types.

You have to sift through, try lots of things and have a thick skin and be around for 1-2 years to get 1-2 contacts.

A good way is to try and find a passion - something you genuinely love doing. Meetup groups can be good as mentioned above. Do you have any interests outside of work, OP?

Really it can't be just to make friends because you probably won't stick at it. It's best if you love the thing itself, whether it's yoga, zumba, art, a book group, researching lichen - whatever! - but something that you genuinely love and will go to regardless of who is there.

If you keep attending a hobby/ interest group, you will most likely find you'll eventually end up talking to people and make friends. It might take some time but just stay with it.

It's how I met my entire friendship group where I live, and some people who have become lifelong, solid friends.

I have barely any friends that I met before I was 30.

I was thinking about this myself today. I've been to groups and while it's been a nice evening and a friendly chat I have found it difficult to take it any further outside of the class.
It's like people are too busy or already have enough friends and aren't very interested in making more.

My WhatsApp screen is sadly full of "dead groups" where the early attempt has been made to set something up.

with the best will in the world, it's often impossible to coordinate timing what with people with children and work and travel.

Making time for 1-1 coffee with someone new often isn't on many people's priority list (unless they're a creepy desperate bloke wanting a "pseudo-date").

Agree having a core scheduled activity people regularly turn up to and genuinely want to engage with is a good start.

You know people are already committed to putting in the time if you see them regularly.

And if you don't meet anyone new, at least after a year you've learned about Scottish lichen or improved your French.

I’ve thought about joining a choir. I can’t sing particularly well though. I guess it’s just going to be more effort and putting myself out there.

I like the idea of Scottish lichen! Sounds intriguing, I did a school project on pollution and lichen years ago.

I’m going to try and reconnect with a few people. Then join a group or course. I fancy a book group or something crafty.

Maybe consider getting in touch with one of your friends who you have drifted from but there is no negativity. If someone I had been close to got in touch I would be glad.

Join clubs. Get a hobby. Do a nightclass

Thanks, I did this earlier today and invited them out for a drink. 🤞🏻

I’ve got lots of those ‘dead’ groups too! I’d love to be able to delete them to tidy up WhatsApp, but it only offers the ‘leave group’ option, which seems rude even if it’s an historical group.

I’m really lucky I do have a few friends, hubby and kids. Recently a few people have drifted or got mega busy lives, I think that’s why I’m feeling a lack and I don’t have that one special best friend that lots of others seem to have.

I met a few through my daughter sport but its taken a long time to do coffee. So we try and meet every few weeks. Didnt realise it be this hard to make friends at 50! Hiking a good one or walking. Other friends ive dropped as ages replying back. All one sided

I reached out to people I knew from my wider social circle as acquaintances to get to know them better.

I know FB has its downside but I used it to see what events meet ups etc were going on and I invited myself to tag along if I saw people I knew vaguely were going. There’s a lot out there in same boat and once you reach out you might be surprised how many others just waiting to be asked.

Also 40's and working remotely, live nowhere near family or lifelong friends and have been hoping to make 1 or 2 friends. Finding friends at this point in life is very hard. Tempering your expectations and opting for some friendly acquaintances in the first instance might make it feel like a more achievable goal (this is what I have done and I think it helps me not come across as needy when I meet people). I think truly hitting it off with someone and naturally becoming actual friends is like gold dust, so don't look for it, just consider it a nice bonus if it happens. Here is a little summary of what I have tried in recent times:

• I joined an activity group last year, for something I had no experience of but just thought what the hell, I'll have a go. I probably didn't speak more than a few words to people for the first few months (the activity does require concentration to follow what the trainer is teaching) but I kept going and gradually as people started to see me as a familiar face, more conversations have started up. It's been a really slow burner, and I still wouldn't say any of them are friends, but people are now friendly with me when I go to the group. I feel like I belong there now, and people would notice if I don't turn up one week, which is really nice. This has been sufficient to quench most of my social thirst.
• I have been in a few walking groups and the process of making friendly acquaintances was much quicker as everyone pretty much chats to everyone straight away, and there are always loads of newbies so any clique-iness is very diluted.
• Someone I knew of, but didn't know personally, moved to the part of the country I live in. So I mustered up all my courage and took what felt like a bold step to contact them, say Hi and offer to help if there was anything they wanted to know about the area. It could have gone either way but I was incredibly lucky that the person was chuffed to get my email and we have had several lunch meet ups now :)

Thanks everyone for all your comments and ideas. I will start to try these out. 😊

I have just made quite a few new friends. I am 46 - friends are 35-50. Three of us have just emailed between us about an article we’re interested in. Others sent me a WhatsApp of them having a drink and the weekend and saying sorry I couldn’t make it etc. I have about 8 new friends in the last year.

Here was my secret: I was fucking happy. Seriously, people love being around happy energetic people and they message and ask you if you are free for a drink etc if they can guarantee you’ll be cheerful. They introduce you to their friends too.

Also, wear cheerful bright fashionable clothes.

@RhymesWithTangerine - out of interest where did you make these friends? Are they all single? Whilst I have plenty of friends, those in relationships shops hardly ever go out without their partner or kids in the evening so we tend to meet during the working week or weekends/daytime.

I met them through work. I was lucky in that I started on a new project that meant lots of us were away for evenings from home, and random new people were thrown together. Usually that wouldn’t result in friends just usual colleagues.

But on this occasion it meant friends, and doing things after work, meet ups at the weekends and meeting people’s children.

@RhymesWithTangerine makes sense! I live and work in London but my colleagues tend to live an hour or even further away so doing things in the evening or meeting kids and spouses is out of question. Well done for taking an advantage of this opportunity though!

People so busy now. Meeting a friend tomorrow. Her kids do alot of sport. Everyone is run ragged. I find people so flaky now Im slow to invest in people.

Definitely join a club. Couch to 5k or a sport or a book club.