Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does your partner "treat" you now and then?

49 replies

summerwentaway · 24/04/2024 16:00

Just wondering if I am being a bit high maintenance here. FYI we have separate finances. Have been with DP for 5 years and he has bought me dinner once in 5 years (which was for a big birthday and was instead of a present vs his big birthday I got him a few big presents and a foreign weekend away). If he says he is skint and I want to go out, I'll offer to pay dinner and have done so many times. He has bought me flowers probably twice but only after I've said I would like that, then has never done it again for years even when I prompt it. He never buys me a small thoughtful gift etc like I would think to do for him. I have also paid for a hotel a night away on a few occasions and he has never reciprocated. I don't know, maybe we just have different ways of showing we appreciate each other but I'm just wondering how many peoples partners tend to do stuff like this for each other on a regular basis? Or am I just being spoilt?

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 24/04/2024 16:05

Yes, DH often does things for me. I think you have to be careful with the financial aspect, but again, these things don't have to cost money.

Recent things:
Stopped at the garage on his way past to pick up a Freal milkshake for me because he knows I love them.
Picked up a solar light at the supermarket because he knew I'd like the style.
Picked up some socks because they looked cosy and he knows my feet get cold.

But it's also about the stuff that doesn't cost. Like making sure I get my favourite glass when he gets me a drink or whatever. For me it's little gestures of caring, not monetary gifts.

ThisIsaNiceDress · 24/04/2024 16:18

It doesn’t sound right to me sorry. The imbalance is very pronounced. Even if he doesn’t have much money, flowers are not exactly expensive…

Goinggoingone · 24/04/2024 16:22

Yes DH and I will treat each other sometimes. If either one of us were short of money we would help each other out too. Does your DP actually have other ways of showing you his appreciation, or is he just not putting the effort in?

WednesdayAllTheWay · 24/04/2024 16:27

theemmadilemma · 24/04/2024 16:05

Yes, DH often does things for me. I think you have to be careful with the financial aspect, but again, these things don't have to cost money.

Recent things:
Stopped at the garage on his way past to pick up a Freal milkshake for me because he knows I love them.
Picked up a solar light at the supermarket because he knew I'd like the style.
Picked up some socks because they looked cosy and he knows my feet get cold.

But it's also about the stuff that doesn't cost. Like making sure I get my favourite glass when he gets me a drink or whatever. For me it's little gestures of caring, not monetary gifts.

The first reply puts it perfectly.

Original poster
summerwentaway · 24/04/2024 16:30

Thanks, I don't mean it to sound like it is all about money as it really isn't. I think if he made small gestures like that I'd feel perfectly happy but I don't feel he does any of those things and then raises my attention to the differences in treating each other to dinner etc.

OP posts:
SaveMyArchitrave · 24/04/2024 16:31

So how does he show you that he appreciates you?

DelilahBucket · 24/04/2024 16:33

Yes and it works both ways. If one of us is somewhere and we see something the other will like we'll get it, like I went somewhere that was having a charity bake sale and I took him his favourite piece of cake home. It doesn't have to be buying stuff either, making a cup of tea when the other person is tired and you know they would appreciate it. It's the little things in life.

Nori10 · 24/04/2024 16:36

How generous is he with himself? Does he buy himself stuff? Spend money on himself? Or is he a frugal person who is generally very careful with money? If it's his general way, then I guess it's just how he is (you decide if it's a big thing for you), but if he freely spends on himself but isn't very generous with you, then I think that speaks volumes and not in a good way!

Before me and dh merged finances, he would always right me to pay for everything, he's very generous by nature. Our money is joint now, but he’ll often surprise me with thoughtful things, a bottle.of fizz for doing well at work etc... I don't think if like to be with someone who isn't generous.

Original poster
summerwentaway · 24/04/2024 16:42

@SaveMyArchitrave not sure really 😅struggling to think of examples other than maybe cooking a nice dinner at the weekend or bringing me a glass of wine... I guess even if I said I was tired and XYZ needed done he wouldn't offer to help with them they just wouldn't get done so maybe its an overall feeling of under appreciation. Not sure.

@Nori10 he is quite careful with money but does always buy himself clothes and whatnot when he needs them and spends money on hobbies etc. Definitely not like he doesn't spend money on himself

OP posts:
QueenEmma · 24/04/2024 16:44

My dh never bought me any surprise "treats. He'd been brought up in a very tight, mean household, so it just never occurred to him. However, he earned far more than me, we had a joint account which all his money went into and he never minded if I bought myself anything (I always asked if he minded first if it was something expensive). He always automatically drove when we went out so that I could have a drink and relax, he always took the dog for a walk if it was bad weather or dark to save me getting wet etc (I was the one who wanted the dog). He did all the "dirty" jobs in the house/garden, looked after my car etc Brought me coffee in bed every weekend morning and would always let me have the biggest/last slice of cake or whatever. He never once came home with flowers or a treat for me but he showed me he loved me in other ways and I miss him.

MonsteraMama · 24/04/2024 16:46

Yes, my husband and I often treat eachother. It's not about money, it's about the happy little glow it gives you knowing that your person was thinking of you.

Lampslights · 24/04/2024 16:49

No we don’t go and buy each other random gifts, and as much as we have a joint account and make sure we have the same disposable income each we just pay whatever ie out for dinner or cinema etc and don’t count it as we see it as all the same money really . But we do make sure it’s basically fair without being overly onerous about it.

So no as much as i don’t sit and buy my husband random gifts, or him me, but we are comfortable and buy ourselves what we need and want.

the issue is your relationship is one sided and you seem to be paying for him.

vidflex · 24/04/2024 16:50

My dh is always getting me little treats. He is very good at remembering things I've mentioned in passing , then surprising me with them. Like this weekend I had mentioned how my favourite sweets as a child were those soft foam pink shrimps and how you never see them anymore. He was on a work trip and found some in one of them ye olde sweet places yesterday. Just really simply things that make me very happy x

TextureSeeker · 24/04/2024 16:51

Dh is a shows love through gifting kind of person. We call them his 'pebbles' after watching a documentary on penguins. I don't tend to buy him things though, I don't know if that makes me mean or tight? I show my live through 'acts of service', like I'll let him have a lie in or if I know he's tired I'll do the evening dog walk for him or I'll take the time to make him his favourite dessert. I think so long as love is shown somehow it's OK but the problem arises when it isn't shown at all.

Ineedanewsofa · 24/04/2024 16:58

we don’t often buy each other things but we’ll often send each other messages/photos/new articles that we know the other one will find interesting or funny. It makes me feel known and thought about. Also, always make each other a drink and he always offers me the last one of something 😊

socks1107 · 24/04/2024 17:05

Yes, my dh quite often gets me little gifts. Small things and I do for him too. I nearly always have a fresh bunch of flowers on the side.
He and I also do things for each other, tea in bed, tidy the kitchen if you're working from home etc. it's doing small things that go a long way to making you feel valued and seen ( not just gifts)

SaveMyArchitrave · 24/04/2024 17:19

He sounds a miserable sod, OP. Selfish too.

fromaytobe · 24/04/2024 17:24

It's the thought that counts, not how much you spend on a treat, and he is being thoughtless. A supermarket bar of chocolate is less than £1 and a bunch of flowers is under £5.

Dacadactyl · 24/04/2024 17:26

No he doesn't. We have totally shared finances and have done since we were 25.

If he goes to the shop to buy himself some crisps or whatever, he always buys me some snack food too, but that's it.

No random presents or flowers etc. I don't treat him either.

Elphamouche · 24/04/2024 17:31

Yeah he does, a lot. From little things like mini lindt bunny’s when he’s getting fuel, to taking me to New York for my 30th.

I do the same for him though :)

SometimesIDowonder · 24/04/2024 17:34

Occasionally flowers otherwise no but I don't want too many possessions.

The dinner thing is funny though why do you always have to pay? We're about 50 50. I'd stop going out if he never pays.

frozendaisy · 24/04/2024 17:42

Since the begining H has been generous always paid for food and drinks out, still does, not so hot on the imaginative gifts but that's ok and I don't like flowers.

Your partner sounds like he is happy to spend your cash and keep his to himself. It's so unbalanced OP.

I wouldn't send anymore on him. If you want a holiday he needs to cough up at least half to start making it fair.

Do you just stay in all the time?

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 24/04/2024 17:48

We buy one another treats all the time and do things for one another daily. Not lucky though, I held off settling down until I found someone who I'm on the same page with. Can't imagine tolerating a miserable or tight git, life's too short. I hope you can maybe reset things a bit, have a chat with him about it?

Lampslights · 24/04/2024 17:49

frozendaisy · 24/04/2024 17:42

Since the begining H has been generous always paid for food and drinks out, still does, not so hot on the imaginative gifts but that's ok and I don't like flowers.

Your partner sounds like he is happy to spend your cash and keep his to himself. It's so unbalanced OP.

I wouldn't send anymore on him. If you want a holiday he needs to cough up at least half to start making it fair.

Do you just stay in all the time?

Not really getting this post yoh seem to be criticising her partner for doing as you do from the way you’ve written it?

Mammma91 · 24/04/2024 17:54

Yes. DH often pays for a meal out for us, or will buy me a nice fluffy dressing down or pjs. We have 2 kids, one a newborn and he generally comes home from work with some bedside snacks for breastfeeding.

Edit - I do the same for him too. It doesn’t always have to cost money. Everyday when he gets up for work and gets home, he makes me a cup of tea. When I go for a shower, he takes my clothes to the washing basket and sets up my pjs for bed.