Does your partner "treat" you now and then?

[summerwentaway]

Just wondering if I am being a bit high maintenance here. FYI we have separate finances. Have been with DP for 5 years and he has bought me dinner once in 5 years (which was for a big birthday and was instead of a present vs his big birthday I got him a few big presents and a foreign weekend away). If he says he is skint and I want to go out, I'll offer to pay dinner and have done so many times. He has bought me flowers probably twice but only after I've said I would like that, then has never done it again for years even when I prompt it. He never buys me a small thoughtful gift etc like I would think to do for him. I have also paid for a hotel a night away on a few occasions and he has never reciprocated. I don't know, maybe we just have different ways of showing we appreciate each other but I'm just wondering how many peoples partners tend to do stuff like this for each other on a regular basis? Or am I just being spoilt?

To be clear I'm not saying that he never pays for himself btw. It's just we will always either split 50/50 or I treat. Even when I have paid for a hotel night away we split dinner and drinks if that makes sense and just asking about the treating from his side in return

@theemmadilemma That sounds so nice! Does he have a brother? 😁

Your DP is mean. And you can't fix meanness. I'd get rid of him.

Sorry but your oh sounds like a very tight and mean spirited sod. I'd either sit him down and lay out how his behaviour is making you feel or just accept it and focus on what is good in your relationship. Either way, go on strike to make your point.

One meal in five years? That's shocking.

He sounds tight ..

He paid for a meal out last week. He’s just gone to fetch a Chinese for us, which he is paying for. I do all the food shopping and cooking, so this is his way of saying thanks.

He's bought you dinner once in 5 years?!! That is NOT normal even for someone tight. Yes that is shocking I'm sorry.

Yes, we do little things for each other all the time. I bring DH a coffee in bed most mornings, he’s great at making me tea.

We do a lot of mutual treats using our joint accounts, but we also do bigger treats sometimes. I’m paying for our holiday this summer, it’s a destination that I want to go to, although DH is happy to come along!

Mine does, he is far better at this than I am. Gift-giving is his love language.

Yes - we both treat each other sometimes as well as paying from joint account. I tend to do this more as I'm the higher earner, and also because I sometimes have to work very long hours sometimes I take him out for dinner to thank him for picking up the slack at home whilst I've been buried in work, but he will also treat me sometimes. One of us will often pick up a little Friday afterwork treat for both of us - like a doughnut to have with a cuppa when the other gets home, or some dessert for after dinner. He doesn't buy me flowers very often, sometimes for valentines; generally the treats are food-based because then we can both enjoy them.

My ex DH never did…it was one of the things that made me feel unloved and led to me leaving. I felt invisible.

My DP sometimes treats me to meals out, buys me little gifts and arranges nice things for us to do. He’ll cook for me AND wash up. Something that never happened in my marriage.

Both relationships had/have their challenges…but I find they are easier this time round because I feel thought of.

Food-based treats are popular in our household too! @Catopia 🤣

Maybe I shouldn't have asked as DP does none of these things 😆 he used to make me a morning coffee but never even does that now. I think I do small things like let him have a lie in and clean up a lot but I have to literally beg for a lie in. Has never celebrated an anniversary, valentine's etc either.

I get flowers occasionally, but to be honest, the fact that I can't remember the last time I had to shop for and cook a meal or load the dishwasher is more important to me.

I do like to pamper my bf's irrespective or not whether they do something for me. I find that being generous with someone (whether this is physical touch/time/gifts)

It helps me cultivate that inner sense of love and affection.

There is something so attractive being with a man who knows how to fix things (not very good at this) and who is smart in small yet practical ways.

We have joint finance so treating each other is a bit strange as it comes out the same pot.

We do tend to buy little extras for each other if we see something the other will like. He tends to add treats in when shopping, like chocolate for me or a cake.

You should do your love languages tests to understand how you might differ there. Can only suggest you have an open discussion with him about it. He can't read your mind so let him know and see what happens. Otherwise if he can't afford hotels and breaks away then maybe you just need to accept to pay or don't go...

DH is very generous, both with money and time/effort. He hasn't always been, but after a health scare a few years ago I think we're both a lot more appreciative of each other. He still drives me absolutely batshit at times but I'm pretty sure that he'd say the same about me

Yes he's quite often done this throughout our relationship.

I went for a well overdue haircut & colour once after a long period of neglecting myself when post partum and he'd already called up and paid for as a treat when I went to pay

He often books hotels / gig tickets / nights out for us

It's not whether or what he does, what matters is how you feel about what he does.

If you are beginning to see or feel that things are not even, it's time to put your big girls pants on and ask him how he feels about the unevenness and then take it from there.

Good luck, I hope you get it sorted.

I could never imagine him doing so many of these things and more the non monetary things thats making me feel quite sad.. the reply about getting your PJ's sorted for bed and I just could never imagine him being that thoughtful. I think a pp is right, I don't feel thought about or appreciated really. Definitely need a conversation to hopefully realign things.

We're both retired but volunteer. We do different shifts so we are apart and gives us other things to talk about. I remember after a cold wet day I let DH know I was on my way home, wet and miserable. When I got in he took me to the bathroom where he'd run a warm bath. I had a nice soak with my book and some chocolate and wine. After he'd warmed the towels and put my pyjamas on the radiator to warm. Then it was dinner which was ready to serve followed by telly. A good end to a cold and miserable day.

Just an example of what he does.

He's really not coming across well OP. What are the good things about him that are keeping you in this relationship?