For those who have a mum who doesn't want a close relationship...

[Xmasdayy]

.... does the rejection ever stop hurting? Does it ever stop being upsetting this sense you are missing out on something?

My mum had a truly horrendous childhood which severely damaged her in probably every way. She was abused by both parents but especially was physically beaten by her mother who ran off with another man and disappeared from my mum's life for many years. Her father was not much better really, was not physically abusive but was emotionally unpleasant and married a woman who didn't really want to be a step mum and who became emotionally abusive to my mum and her sister.

I think because of all of this undealt with and unexamined childhood trauma - mum has always refused to get help - she has never been emotionally available to me as a mum, keeps herself at a distance from me and hasn't been there for me. I do feel very alone in life in that way although not so much now I have a family of my own.

I watch long lost family sometimes because I wonder what it must be like to have that genetic emotional pull towards a mother something I've never really had. As a child I did wonder what it would have been like to be adopted and my real parents had come to get me, just a few examples of subconscious questions coming up I suppose.

This has obviously been very tough for me, being kept at arms length has been so painful and I e made lots of my own mistakes and been interested in unavailable people in the past because of it etc. Never feeling good enough.

I feel very sad for my mum and the cards she was dealt and I always have done. However how do I deal with this constant sadness about the lack of depth in our very surface casual relationship? I have had lots of therapy but I always come back to feeling sad.

I know radical acceptance is probably the answer and just to accept everything for how it is and love myself anyway. Its just hard sometimes.

Tia x

OP I feel like I could almost have written this. Mum didn’t have as much of a traumatic childhood but she has had lots of traumas throughout her life.
You used the exact words I do as I also feel like she has always kept me at arms length, has no interest in being emotionally close despite me at one point constantly trying to get closer to her.
we live physically quite close to each other and she and my dad do a good amount of childcare for me so I see her often but I feel like she actually doesn’t know me as a person at all, she doesn’t know who I am now as an adult woman, and she doesn’t care enough to try.
She is incapable of anything beyond a surface level conversation, anything even slightly deeper than that makes her visibly uncomfortable and annoyed, she’s the Queen of gaslighting me and turning the tables to make things my fault and in the past 6 months (following me having therapy) I’ve just pulled back and stopped trying with her, my therapist pointed out that I was placing myself in harms way by constantly trying to engage her in different ways and hoping for a different response but always getting the same old response…she said I was playing a game of “kick me” so I pulled back and feel better for it….. HOWEVER, it has come at a price, in that it became apparent that I was the one driving our relationship as it were, now that I’m not doing that anymore our relationship is worse than ever, we barely talk because she obviously doesn’t want to and now I’m no longer making an effort to ask her to go for coffee/lunch etc she literally never asks me and I never ever see her unless she’s looking after little one for me, we have zero conversation unless it’s about little one either.
Im trying to move on from it all but I do feel angry with her. I’d be devastated to think that my relationship with my child would degenerate so badly as they grow up and I’d do anything at all to avoid it and I can’t understand why she has no interest in change. But I’m no longer sad about it, I’ve accepted it.

@Justgoodforthegetting wow yes it sounds very similar to my situation thank you for posting. The gaslighting sounds familiar. My mum almost tries to make me feel like I was a slut for having a few boyfriends in my teenage years but sadly she cannot see that I was on a desperate mission to find love and feel loved! I have definitely taken a step back but then my attempts to go out with my mum on our own never went anywhere anyway, I can only remember being in a restaurant on our own once. Never coffee!

I suppose what's coming up now is sadness for not having that relationship with either one of my parents. I crave it especially now I have children of my own who I love fearlessly. I can't understand how you can't give that or have that love for your children.

I feel for you, I know how it is my own Mum is the same, never had coffee with her or been anywhere together.

My Mother didn't have any childhood trauma, but she is not interested in me really, she lives 5 minutes away and months can pass and unless I make the effort to go and visit I will not hear from her.

I have pulled back now so this is how it is, all one way. We have never fallen out and I really don't know what the problem is as she see's friends etc.

I guess my Brother is the golden child.

Yep my parents are like this.

I'm finding it especially hard as dad who has had no interest (I've ha dto learn like pp not to keep trying new ways to involve him with the kids etc and have pulled back) has remarried...

And is being fab with new grandbabies 😪

Similar relationship with my mum.

As a child, she’d tell me to get off if I tried to snuggle up to her. I remember on my first residential trip we were told call home and reply was ‘why are you phoning me?’. As I got older, don’t really recall us spending time together. When my first was born I suggested we all go on a weekend away together - ‘why would I want to go on a break with you and your child?’ and when her friend went away on holiday with her daughter and extended family she told me ‘well I can’t think of anything worse.’ She lives locally, but we rarely see her.

Now that I have kids of my own her behaviour seems completely bizarre!

@Gingercatlover @Needanewjobsoon yes it's a sad situation. I think it's resulted in a lack of confidence for me because I feel that if they couldn't truly accept and love me then who can?! And yet I do know mu husband and children accept and love me. Hard to explain.

It must be lovely to have that glow that at least one parent thinks you are great as you are and who deeply loves you.

@Onehappymam yes that's it! I call my parents rarely and when my mum picks up she'll ask me why I haven't emailed her instead!! Just doesn't want that connection and close relationship I suppose. Can you ever imagine being like that with your kids when they are grown up?!

.

Op It wasn’t until I was 50 that I noticed my parent had never said or done anything loving towards me. I knew they were cold and cruel and spiteful at times but weirdly it was the realisation that there was NO LOVE that brought the whole front of house collapsing down.

I was also 50 when I realised I was the only one putting in any effort. Like others I have pulled right back and we now go months with no communication whatsoever. I haven't seen my my mum since Christmas and the time before that was July.

@Iamafaithful @speakball yes it's strange I am close to 50 as well and its hitting me hard atm. My mum has always spoken a lot about her trauma and lack of maternal love but has not been able to find it for us. She said that when I got to the age of ten I didn't need her anymore which is so far from the truth. I think she didn't want to feel the emotional responsibility of being a mother. Very convenient to say at ten I didn't need a mother anymore.

50 was the tipping point for me too I reached the point where I had enough you can’t alter her behaviour she is not going to suddenly have a personality change and become interested and loving, mine is getting worse with age. I’ve had 2 nice comments said to me in my whole life but she has no problem telling me how wonderful other peoples daughters are. I cannot imagine ever treating my children this way I make sure I am the best for them and they will never grow up feeling unloved and unwanted (mine actually told me I wasn’t wanted ) x

@Shortbread49 that's so sad. I'm so sorry for you. My mum told me she loved dad more than us. Yes all we can really do is look forwards and change things for our children and make sure they know they are loved - they are actually loved - and make them feel supported and offer them that support. Sometimes I do feel very sad and that there is a void where my family should be but I know I can't change the situation only my reaction to it. There's just something about recently that has meant I've been thinking about it more. It has been so damaging.

My mum is not interested in me because I am not pretty/glamorous. She is very shallow and truly believes that being pretty/glam makes a person superior. My sister spends a lot of time on her appearance and gets dolled up all the time. My mum never stops talking about how amazing my sister is.

I realised many years ago that I can’t change her outlook but I can stop it affecting me. I don’t need her approval to make me feel worthy.

I’m 50 and I have a very distant relationship with my mum . She is someone who should have remained child free . I grew up
always feeling like I was in the way . She was very involved in local politics, which came before everything. She was angry that I had her grandson during the year she was mayor ! I read fb posts about mums being best friends and I feel so jealous.

@Toomanysquishmallows yes I feel so jealous too. I think my dad really wanted kids so my mum had them quite young but think she would have preferred an academic career instead. I feel so jealous when I see people have gone away somewhere with their mum or out for the day. It's difficult because mum is older now and doddery but I have no inclination to see her really, she will just make some digs or it will be only about the grandkids. There will be very little real interaction between us.

I suppose the point of this thread was I feel I've made peace with it all and then a few months later it comes along and punches me in the gut. I wonder if I will ever completely get over it. Maybe not while they are alive. I don't know.

You might have a better relationship with her if you stopped needing one so much. People with limited emotional resources shrink away from those who might drain their reserves. It’s sad but if you stopped needing her to be your mother, she might be able to be your friend

@Happyinarcon no I've tried that!! I haven't outwardly needed her for anything for a very long time... and she is just fine with that!! Her response to meeting up or helping with the kids these days is usually no initially. She is fine with being in her own bubble. I've had to be independent from an early age and she is happy for me to be, she doesn't want to be friends.

Ps I very rarely ask for any help obvs!!

@Xmasdayy , our situation sounds so similar, people really don’t understand the situation of having a mum your not close with. I dread buying Mother’s Day cards , as I struggle with phrases like “ my mum , my best friend “.

Mine is late 70s and not in good health I always thought she would one day realise we don’t have a good relationship ( or jndeed any relationship ) but no , it’s like I don’t exist until she wants something from me . I provided her only 2 grandchildren now they are teens she has no interest in them either which upset them.

I’m early 50’s and very LC with my mother.

My mum had a hard childhood - she was an illegitimate child in the 1940’s who was hidden & packed off to boarding school (which was quite brutal) at the age of 4. She had no love as a child & doesn’t know how to give love. I’d describe her as emotionally void. She’s never got over her childhood.

When I reached the age of 18 it was like her work was done. I had to hand back my door key and request to enter the house (I left for uni at 18).

I’ve never had a coffee with my mum, gone shopping etc. I couldn’t think of anything worse (and it would be uncomfortable for both of us).

She has no interest in my life. I got married last year and she wasn’t interested at all. Didn’t ask one question about the wedding. In fact, she was the only guest who didn’t rsvp to her invitation and I had to chase her.

When my beloved father died and I cried - she snapped ‘I don’t know why you are crying, he was my husband’.

I had a very serious sports accident & was hospitalised for a month - she didn’t visit me. She had badminton on a Monday and couldn’t fit a visit in.

Shes taken no interest in my now husband (we’ve been together for 10 years). Never sends him a birthday card, has taken no interest in him whatsoever. I have 2 step children - she isn’t interested in them.

At Christmas - no Christmas present from her (in the new year after Christmas she declared that she had decided she wasn’t buying any presents).

I’ve lived in my current home over 7 years. She’s never visited, she had no interest, despite being invited numerous times.

I could go on…

She’s not capable of anything beyond a surface level conversation. Anything deeper - or if you question her or tell her how you feel It will irrupt into a massive screaming match on her part. The Queen of gaslighting - everthing is my fault.

Years ago for my own sanity I pulled back and am LC with her. I realised I’d never have the relationship I wanted and I couldn’t change her. Once you realise this it makes things so much easier. You have to protect yourself.

Yes, me. My situation is that I have two pretty terrible parents and we ended up being parented (I use the word loosely) by my father. He's got the emotional capability of a rock and is also prone to emotional cruelty. My mum was around, sort of, and yet not at all. She'd turn up occasionally and be all over us. Then she moved away when she remarried. Her husbands (subsequent ones) weren't interested in us so there was little contact. No mobile phones back then.

The hard thing is she imagined some sort of close relationship, particularly when my children were little, and acted like we were incredibly close. But from my point-of-view she was someone who had left and not made a lot of effort. I now have a name for it: she had a parasocial relationship with me. She would make these wild assumptions about the reality of my life, but not involve herself with the actuality of it. It was a strange thing to experience. (As an example, one Christmas out of the blue she sent us a case of Virgin wines and told me at length about how she imagined I'd be hosting parties and would need a stock of wine. We are very quiet people! She could just have asked what we were doing, but she had a whole story there in her head about us.) It took me years of feeling like crap, to realise that I had it within my power to not visit her or call her. I remember MN being very helpful at the time as I learned about grey rock treatment. And that's worked very well for me.

Now I can see that she exclusively texts me when there's some drama in her life. (I don't answer the phone to her so it's texts only now.) So if someone dies, if she has an injury. During the pandemic, when we were parenting mid-teens, homeschooling, all that, the only contact we had was her asking if we knew anyone who'd died. Drama. Nothing about the kids. Back in my thirties, I had a miscarriage that put me in hospital. You can bet she came down to see me then, because there was drama. Last time I heard from her she had broken an ankle. I was texting her to check she was ok, did surgery go well etc. As soon as she was up and about, nothing. Drama over.

I love your phrase 'radical acceptance': that's what I've been doing but I didn't know the name for it. I cannot change who she is, I do not want to be part of her life, I don't ask for anything at all from her, I just accept that's who she is. Not that it doesn't hurt, because it absolutely does. I've gravitated subconsciously towards people who have lovely parents and occasionally they talk about the way they can call on them to help out, or shared holidays, and I think, I got dealt a really shitty hand here, and I wallow for a bit. But mostly I think, she had strange parents and she was a strange parent, but I seem to be doing ok? Have to be grateful for that.

I don't think it ever stops hurting, I resent her so much.
My Nan raised me because apparently I wanted to live with her. She married and moved to Scotland and had a son, she abandoned him to his Dad and moved on to another husband and another family.
Neither me nor my oldest brother really have anything to do with her anymore. I can't because it just reminds me of what I don't have. She's met her Grandson twice I think, both times I was visiting my Nan and she lives near by. She has a great grandson who turns 1 in a week she's never met him either.
There have been times when I thought we were getting closer but she always turns on me, saying I don't contact her when at one point I was calling her every other day, getting me to tell her things and then running off to tell my Nan like some tattle tale sibling.
It's fucking lonely though.

Oh crikey yes, the time I spend staring at the cards. opening them all up and putting them back.

I've got a slightly different challenge, enmeshed/parentified as a child and into adulthood, she's treated me as a surrogate spouse as se hated my dad. Now I've set a bit of a boundary and not rushing to solve any problem she mentioned she's effectively dropped me and I've realised that for a long time, she's only got in touch when she needs me to do something. Obviously no where near as bad as the things people are describing here with no interest as a child but equally a complete head fuck!