For those who have a mum who doesn't want a close relationship...

[Xmasdayy]

.... does the rejection ever stop hurting? Does it ever stop being upsetting this sense you are missing out on something?

My mum had a truly horrendous childhood which severely damaged her in probably every way. She was abused by both parents but especially was physically beaten by her mother who ran off with another man and disappeared from my mum's life for many years. Her father was not much better really, was not physically abusive but was emotionally unpleasant and married a woman who didn't really want to be a step mum and who became emotionally abusive to my mum and her sister.

I think because of all of this undealt with and unexamined childhood trauma - mum has always refused to get help - she has never been emotionally available to me as a mum, keeps herself at a distance from me and hasn't been there for me. I do feel very alone in life in that way although not so much now I have a family of my own.

I watch long lost family sometimes because I wonder what it must be like to have that genetic emotional pull towards a mother something I've never really had. As a child I did wonder what it would have been like to be adopted and my real parents had come to get me, just a few examples of subconscious questions coming up I suppose.

This has obviously been very tough for me, being kept at arms length has been so painful and I e made lots of my own mistakes and been interested in unavailable people in the past because of it etc. Never feeling good enough.

I feel very sad for my mum and the cards she was dealt and I always have done. However how do I deal with this constant sadness about the lack of depth in our very surface casual relationship? I have had lots of therapy but I always come back to feeling sad.

I know radical acceptance is probably the answer and just to accept everything for how it is and love myself anyway. Its just hard sometimes.

Tia x

@Toomanysquishmallows yes I know what you mean. There could be a class thing going on too.

I feel that people think there might be something wrong with me because I don't have that close relationship with my mum! Like she has rejected me because of who I am or what I have done.

@BollockstoThis1 "It’s hurtful but I have tried over the years but know I am better out of it and I don’t have a genuine place in my birth family and never have had for a long time."

I can sympathise with this, and after a few years of realising it (there was an event which cemented it for me) I think I feel ok about it. It's taken over 3 years though and some of that's been very hard. I came to realise that I'd never quite fitted in, and when I was a teenager raging about not being listened to/considered/understood, I wasn't actually wrong. And it was because nobody particularly cared to think the best of me.

I was always quite cheerful, I was good at school, I had options and took them. I was lucky! You'd think my parents would want these things for me. But not really. I am in my fifties now and it only recently occurred to me that that is very much not my family culture. They have all been prevented in some way from doing things, whether by virtue of the times they lived in, or by getting pregnant very young, or by having partners who hold them back. I can't get into their minds but there is a huge disconnect between us.

It's so hard to think back and feel, know, that I wasn't well parented, but I also wasn't considered a valuable person, in a way. I find it a challenge. The lack of care and interest: love. But it's also a little freeing. I can shake my head about it and now look at it almost as an outsider looking in. I stopped wanting to visit anybody in my family, in fact. I feel a little stupid for having bothered for so many years, imagining that, oh, we all love each other, families are just complicated. I was wrong.

I think if you can find a way (and this is so much easier said than done) to say to yourself, 'when I go to visit then she will do X because that's how she has to behave, so don't care/don't share too much and you can't be too disappointed' then it starts to get easier. And then spread the visits out so you aren't going so often. Live your life and clock in much less often. Cancel if you don't feel up to it and don't feel bad. The burden might get lighter.

I am sorry to hear this OP, your mum is emotionally unavailable but don’t let this define your worth. The truth is, not everyone should be a parent and it’s all them, not you. I cannot even imagine not loving my child or wanting to spend time with them, yet my mum is the same as yours, she doesn’t ask about her grandchild even, that’s how indifferent she is. But it’s ok, I have my family, and you also have your family, the hurt won’t go away I suppose but try not to dwell on it too much, it’s all their loss, not ours xx

I just wanted to say thank you to OP and everyone who's contributed to this thread. I really needed to read it tonight.

I've been struggling with this situation with my mother my whole life. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting better at handling it, but sometimes I'm right back in that old pain, hurt, loneliness.

Some of you have said you're hoping for some relief when the inevitable happens and your mother dies. I often think that the hurt will only end with my death, that that's the only real release I'll ever have, because the damage goes too deep. (Disclaimer, I'm not suicidal).

Thankfully I've managed to break the cycle too, with my DC, and my lovely DH. I think, from now on, instead of allowing myself to dwell completely on the pain of my own mother rejecting me, I'm going to try to remember to always temper it with an awareness of the love and care that exists within my new family. I've spent enough time in that void.

I suppose as you get older you get better at seeing the bigger picture, putting things in the overall context of your life. Some of the comments seem quite positive that you do eventually process it more and come to some kind of peace. I'll try to remain hopeful! Love and peace to all 💐

@DreamingOfRest I think it is something that you can come to terms with: for me it's probably no coincidence that it's come at perimenopause. I just realised a few years ago that it's utterly pointless to expect anything from my mother that even approaches love or real consideration. I'd been tying myself into knots for years wondering how things could be better, making excuses for her. It isn't really possible. Or even desirable! All the best.

I think if you can find a way (and this is so much easier said than done) to say to yourself, 'when I go to visit then she will do X because that's how she has tobehave, so don't care/don't share too much and you can't be too disappointed' then it starts to get easier. And then spread the visits out so you aren't going so often. Live your life and clock in much less often. Cancel if you don't feel up to it and don't feel bad. The burden might get lighter

This is such good advice, helps to take the emotion out of it/make it less personal. It's hard though! So I know that whenever I message my mum and ask how she is, she will never ever ask how I am (she only gets in touch other than my birthday when she wants something , or she will sometimes visit and do the same, download all her stuff and tHen leave - now to me enquiring about the other person or just being interested as you know you are seeing your daughter/granddaughter well that's basic manners/social interactions. So now rather than get upset I kind of observe the interactions as if I am a bystander. It does help.

I can resonate with so many of these posts. I know a previous poster talked about acknowledging what the mum went through but, my dm could have accessed help, she could have said sorry, she could have tried, she didn't need to call me a slag when I was on the pill at 16, or accuse me of sleeping around when I had a kidney infection, or telling me that the sexual abuse I received from an adult man, when I was 14 was my fault because of the way I had dressed. I have only ever had one partner my dh of 25 plus years.

I don't in know how to deal with my feelings at all, my db and his children are the light of my mums life (my brother was a arse as a teen) I am such a disappointment to her. My whole family know how our relationship is including my dad who did nothing to protect me from her verbal and physical outbursts.

We all go on holiday together, my dad pays, my dc get on so well with my lovely neices and nephews but every year we have an argument. Last year was awful. I feel like I have to go on holiday otherwise I am letting my children down and I do love to see db & sil.

I have overcome alcohol abuse and eating disorders, I used these as coping mechanisms to block out and control but I feel so broken.
I barely see my parents and I feel eternally guilty as my dc don't have a relationship with them, whereas my my db's children do. They are always doing things together and posting about it. I have had counselling and think I have dealt with it, then it hits me again. I am determined it will not impact mine and dcs relationship.
I am sorry for everyone on this thread but, it is a comfort to know I am not alone.

It is so hard! But doesn't it take practice? I found the first time I kind of stood back (metaphorically, because it was a phone call) and just observed, I felt as though I might have done something really bad. After a couple of times I'd got quite used to not really sharing my business - and I was not sharing it because she wasn't asking me, so it was fine! She didn't want to know! Whereas before I would have tried to get her engaged in me, thinking 'well, I am her daughter, so if she's not interested then I must be lacking'.

I have to say, coming round and being uninterested but using you as a downloading service is a bit much! What happens if you stop texting her and asking how she is?

I have very LC with my mum, she's just not interested in me or grandchildren or her other children, we used to stay in contact at birthdays and Christmas only but thats dropped off now, i reluctantly send a Christmas or Mother's Day card and get no acknowledgment in return she forgets my birthday or just doesn't care.

Mine has no interest in her only grandchildren am not surprised as she has never had any interest in me either . Everynow and again sends them a card in the post with a tenner in ( one card between them they are twins) and writes quite patronising comments about what she supposes they like and are doing (given she doesn’t actually know as has never tried to find out) the cards have pictures on suitable for 5 year olds , they are teenagers ! I don’t show them the cards any more as I got asked why grandma thiyht they were still little children

Interesting posts over the past few days, I can empathise with each one. I'm having my parents over tomorrow because they want to see my kids as haven't for a while. The first suggestion I made for a lunch menu was knocked back of course but they have agreed to meal option two. I am making a fresh lunch, all lovely waitrose ingredients, it will take me a couple of hours from scratch but there will be little criticisms here and there. I am making a nice lunch for me and my family and the fact that my parents will be there is secondary, I realised today. Tldr - I'm getting to the point that I don't really care. This thread has been helping!

I've been thinking of the benefits of my situation: I don't have to think about my parents and what is good for them / what they need etc as they age. Because of their lack of interest and love, I am free from any responsibility to them. I don't have to see them. In fact, tomorrow is a v rare event. I am alone but I am free. And as a pp said above, I can now be totally at one in the bubble of love of my own family.

I think you are in observation mode. Have a lovely lunch, and by that I mean, enjoy cooking it and absorbing the compliments your own loved ones give you.
💐

(I feel the same about my parents ageing. Not really my business. Sounds harsh but that's tough.)

Yes @VerlynWebbe not our business, quite agree!

From my thinking and deliberating recently with this thread my aim is to act in a way that makes me feel good and just observe, as you say, how they behave. Their behaviour belongs to them, after all. My behaviour belongs to me.

I want to turn the situation in my mind into a freedom I have as opposed to an cross I have to bear!! If that makes sense?

There was definitely a lack of empathy with me and also she was quite grandiose about herself and her own intelligence. She did seem to enjoy humiliating me sometimes too.

OP if psychologists hadn’t somehow decided on a name for this type of personality and your mum would never be diagnosed then would the above be okay. Is is okay for someone to enjoy humiliating someone so long as they don’t have a personality disorder? The point I’m making is that you have a right to not let people abuse you and to seek accountability for wrongs done to you. That’s the bottom line. Problem is having a parent with a personality disorder often leaves their children with incredibly poor boundaries. We are groomed to be responsible for our connection with the harmful adult. This makes it very very hard to see a situation cleanly without the guilt programme screaming ‘my poor mum, it’s my fault she’s so nasty, it’s because she’s so sad’ and all those scripts that she gave you and holds rigidly in place to avoid clarity.

Sorry about wall of text.

I could’ve wrote this post myself. Can’t write anything else right now but thank you for putting this into words for me.

@speakball yes I agree thank you for responding its abuse whichever way you look at it. I really don't like the way my mum parented me and the way she would whisper to my dad about me even as a young girl, laughing and making out I was a slag for men etc. That's what I mean about the humiliations. Even now the comments about how did you manage to have such cute children/ such happy children there is a tone there in the question. She's still doing it but in a different way.

My mum had a shitty upbringing and also lost a baby before the rest of us were born (I think she was around 1yr old). She left my dad when I was around 4 or 5 and he never bothered either apart from a short stint as Disney dad when I was a teenager.
But she was abusive and neglectful and that doesn't make it ok. I am no contact with her now. Her childhood and her trauma didn't give her a free pass to treat her other children like shit.
Having my own child really made me reflect on everything and I couldn't believe she would treat us that way when I understood how a parent feels for their child. It is painful when other people refer to their parents as their best friend etc but I have come to terms now that I basically don't have any parents.
I don't abuse or neglect my child I try and do better. She won't get the opportunity to be grandma cos she doesn't deserve it. I hate her.

I don’t know, I always crack after about a week! I assume she’d just not contact me til she needed something doing. I’m in a lot better place though ie not rushing to do and solve everything.

So many comments in this thread resonate with me. The comment made about a mother being grandiose about herself and her perceived intelligence, plus her humiliation of her daughter particularly struck a chord.

I was told I was self-centred, selfish. I was told that my mother could see straight through me and didn't like what she saw. I 'count(ed) for nothing'. I was a kid for God's sake! I was also told I brought bad luck, I was a Jonah. I was essentially ignored after the age of about 9.

She has been dead for a decade now and I don't miss her. I am angry I never told her to eff off, to be honest. I should have gone NC as soon as I reached adulthood.

Yes not nice. Im lc too suits me fine. 80s. Visits a minimum. I draw the line at holidays or breaks away. Thankfully my sibling feels same. Hard to let go of hurtful things over the years

💐to everyone on this thread and good luck for your lunch today @Xmasdayy

I’m a survivor of a mother with undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder. She had a terrible childhood but as @AttilaTheMeerkat has pointed out she had a choice not to give me the same. And didn’t. I can absolutely resonate with the searching for love with a boyfriend (often inappropriate ones) because I felt so unloved. My DF was a lovely man but I could never understand why he enabled her for a quiet life- I’d literally defend my DD to the end to protect her from emotional harm.

I also had a very lonely childhood (I read a lot of books) but I would never invite friends back because aside from the fact our house was an absolute mess, she would try and show me up at any opportunity. She would tell me i didn’t have friends because i was unlikeable. Who would do that do a child? My sister however was the golden child and this hurt more because I knew my mother was acting out her own childhood dynamic. Education was my ticket out of it all. I also learned that m&s was the best place to purchase very plain Mother’s Day cards 😉

I broke the cycle with my own DD. She is loved, secure and happy. We have a loving relationship where she can tell me anything without fear of judgement or me breaking her confidence (something my mother would repeatedly do). I can say sorry when I am wrong. I try and remain emotionally stable even when I don’t feel it because I never want her to be tip-toeing around me like I did with my own mother. I have given her everything I didn’t have in my own childhood both emotionally and materially and watching my mother observe and know this was the ultimate ‘revenge’. This and being successful in my career which also irked her. Early on she tried to get her grips into DD which resulted in her becoming fearful but my inner tiger came out and I reduced contact to very low and supervised visits only. She never forgave me for this and I know she knew why I was doing it.

I tell you all this because I am now a year on after her death. I cannot tell you how much lighter I feel. I feel no sadness about her death. I grieved for the relationship I wanted many years ago. Having a mother who doesn’t like you is like having a shameful secret. If only I had opened up when I was a teenager I think I’d have avoided some of the choices I made and accepted that the hand of friendship was always there but I was too scared to take it. I nearly didn’t have kids because I was scared I’d do the same to my own child but deep down I knew I’d be a great mum - The sort of mum I’d read about obsessively in books, devouring tales of love and security and friendship. The sort of mother my friends had.

Ultimately What didn’t kill me made me stronger and I look back now and think my really rather emotionally bleak childhood gave me a sort of superpower which made me more confident in adult life. I really had nothing to lose. At some point I might feel more gracious towards her like @MrsDanversGlidesAgain but I doubt it. Yes she had a shitty childhood but then she gave me one. As my own daughter passed the same age milestones I did I would look at her and think “I could never deliberately hurt you” and then I realise how different I am from my mother.

There is hope and peace for you all at the end ❤️

@Dustyskirtingboards , I jumped into a disastrous relationship at 19 for some affection and to prove I was lovable. Thankfully I have a great partner now , but it shows how deep the wounds are

@Dustyskirtingboards what an inspiring post that almost made me cry! What an incredible mother / person / human you are. I know in my heart what you have had to overcome and how bravely and hard you have had to work and what you have had to work through to forge the life you now have. Damn straight you have a superpower.

I am expecting to feel the same after the ending comes. It will be the end of a painful era, however hard that would be for other people to understand.

Thank you so much for posting xx

@Dustyskirtingboards I also did the same with men and boyfriends from far too young an age sadly.