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Original poster

Unwanted advances

29 replies

HappFridays · 23/04/2024 12:05

For a bit of extra cash and exercise I do a paper round early mornings before I start my 9-5 job working from home. A man is constantly there in the mornings - putting something in his bin or something in his van and wants to chat. I have been polite but it has become unsettling and makes me feel uncomfortable. I am paid to deliver a newspaper not a counselling chat service. He was even waiting with some hand warmers one cold morning!? He has literally told me his life story and how he looks forward to our chats - he asked me if I want to come round at the weekends to watch movies with him - I politely said I am often busy at the weekends. I have tried everything - changing my route, going earlier or later but he is always there. I have started to be abrupt and just say good morning and walk away but he stands there stunned with his arms up in the air offended. Any advise ?

OP posts:
KindleAndCake · 23/04/2024 12:07

See if you can swap routes with another paper person?

NewWater · 23/04/2024 12:09

Keep headphones on, drop the paper and say 'Can't stop!'

existentialpain · 23/04/2024 12:09

I would keep doing what you're doing and say good morning and walk off. Let him be offended. I know it's hard when you don't want to upset someone (I am the same) but he's harassing you and being inappropriate. You're not obliged to chat beyond professional politeness. If he chases after you, report him to the police.

NewWater · 23/04/2024 12:09

I mean, him being stunned isn't your problem. His behaviour is completely inappropriate.

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 23/04/2024 12:09

What movie is it?

Original poster
HappFridays · 23/04/2024 12:12

@neverknowinglyunreasonable nothing sleazy he mentioned netflicks or a glass of wine in the garden - he is obviously lonely

OP posts:
samestyle · 23/04/2024 12:15

I think he's got sleazy intentions, inviting a lone female over, yuck. Just tell him you're married with kids.

Pinkbonbon · 23/04/2024 12:16

Just tell him you've got a schedule to keep 'so hello and cheerio'. You've unfortunately fell into the trap of being too nice. Now this creep thinks you're an easy target.

Short answers and hurry off from now on.

Fuck him and his fake offence. It's just trying to guilt you into tolerating his creepy behaviour.

Make sure all your social media profiles are locked down btw. He sounds the sort to go stalker. I'd also warn my work that he may try to cause trouble for you.

windowframer · 23/04/2024 12:18

I don't understand why this is a problem.

Original poster
HappFridays · 23/04/2024 12:31

Thank you for your advise. I know it sounds really trivial in the grand scheme of things but it has really annoyed me this morning. No woman should have to feel uncomfortable - he must realise it is not appropriate. Unfortunately we live in the same village so he knows I am single. Head phones is a good idea - hopefully he will get the message soon !

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 23/04/2024 12:32

windowframer · 23/04/2024 12:18

I don't understand why this is a problem.

  • Because its creepy, potentially scary
  • He could fixate and cause other problems for op
  • op may have told him something she now wishes she didn't
  • He could cause trouble for her by making false comments at her job
  • He could turn stalker
  • He could assault her

It's always potentially a problem when a man takes unwanted interest in a woman and doesn't seem to want to take 'no' for an answer. You never know what people like him are capable of.

BodyKeepingScore · 23/04/2024 12:35

Let him stand with his arms up and be offended all he likes. You've stated your boundaries and your lack of interest in him, it's not your responsibility to appease him. If his behaviour changes it might be worth seeing if you can change your route rather than have to go through the discomfort of his constant presence but if he's simply there being annoyed that you're not interested each day I'd just continue to ignore him.

NewWater · 23/04/2024 12:37

HappFridays · 23/04/2024 12:31

Thank you for your advise. I know it sounds really trivial in the grand scheme of things but it has really annoyed me this morning. No woman should have to feel uncomfortable - he must realise it is not appropriate. Unfortunately we live in the same village so he knows I am single. Head phones is a good idea - hopefully he will get the message soon !

It's not in the least unreasonable to be so annoyed, and it is fucking infuriating that someone has taken your ordinary friendliness as indicating a willingness to listen to his bloody life story and see him as a potential boyfriend, in the absence of any indication of interest from you.

Headphones you can just point to will be helpful, or be on a work call and just flap a hand at him.

windowframer · 23/04/2024 12:57

Pinkbonbon · 23/04/2024 12:32

  • Because its creepy, potentially scary
  • He could fixate and cause other problems for op
  • op may have told him something she now wishes she didn't
  • He could cause trouble for her by making false comments at her job
  • He could turn stalker
  • He could assault her

It's always potentially a problem when a man takes unwanted interest in a woman and doesn't seem to want to take 'no' for an answer. You never know what people like him are capable of.

Show quote history

That's a whole bunch of potential future problems that could potentially arise, sure. But currently the only problem seems to be that some random who is no part of the OP's life wants something from her and is unhappy about not having it, and she for some inexplicable reason feels responsible for that.

I'm not sure what you mean about not taking "no" for an answer, when the OP hasn't actually given him that answer. When he asked her to come round on the weekend, why did she faff about with "I'm often busy on the weekends", rather than just "No. I don't want to." She's leaving the situation open by lack of clarity and firmness, and people who want something with always seek to exploit such an opening.

Tell the tosser to sod off and get on with your life.

Pinkbonbon · 23/04/2024 12:59

When she tried to walk off last time without engaging he acted affronted. That's what I mean by not taking no. Or at least, taking it begrudgingly.

Original poster
HappFridays · 23/04/2024 13:06

He was alone at Christmas as he has no kids or contact with his brothers - he shared with me (at 6.30am on the street) that he had really "dark thoughts" as he was so lonely. This worried me as I felt I had now become his counsellor or responsible for his mental health in some way - it is too much I just want to get my head down do what I have to do and get home. Bear in mind this was when it was dark mornings which makes it even more creepy.

OP posts:
existentialpain · 23/04/2024 13:12

windowframer · 23/04/2024 12:57

That's a whole bunch of potential future problems that could potentially arise, sure. But currently the only problem seems to be that some random who is no part of the OP's life wants something from her and is unhappy about not having it, and she for some inexplicable reason feels responsible for that.

I'm not sure what you mean about not taking "no" for an answer, when the OP hasn't actually given him that answer. When he asked her to come round on the weekend, why did she faff about with "I'm often busy on the weekends", rather than just "No. I don't want to." She's leaving the situation open by lack of clarity and firmness, and people who want something with always seek to exploit such an opening.

Tell the tosser to sod off and get on with your life.

Show quote history

But not everyone feels able to put it in those terms. Telling someone to 'sod off' could be taken as provocative and potentially lead to some of the behaviours mentioned.

I agree that it's important to set boundaries though. Maybe be more direct next time by saying you're sorry but it's not something you want to do, or if you're happier with a lie, say that your husband/boyfriend/partner wouldn't be happy with it. The refuse to engage further.

Pinkbonbon · 23/04/2024 13:15

He's a psychopath or a malignant narcissist or something. They pull this shit all the time.

'Im sorry to hear that. Call the samaritans mate'
And keep walking.

'It's a hard life!'
'Oh, well good luck with that!'

Always be in a rush. Don't worry about coming accross as a bitch.

If he tells you you're being rude or something just
'Sorry you feel that way but I've a job to do, can't stand around chatting!' and then boost.

'I'm not a therapist, I can't help with that mate!'

pizzaHeart · 23/04/2024 13:48

Being in a village where people know each other makes it more difficult to be impolite but you can just use polite quick hello and going away tactic without any provocations and plus more clear answers: I have no time for a chat, sorry.
Is there someone in the village you can mention it to ? e.g a priest, his neighbour, his relatives, local GP . You didn’t put age and if the man was at single or not, obviously the choice of a person depends on these factors.

Original poster
HappFridays · 23/04/2024 14:00

@pizzaHeart I have mentioned it to a friend and she was concerned as she felt it was inappropriate and creepy. He is not known to have ever had a relationship. He is 56. He has one friend in the village that he plays golf with and spends every night in the pub for company. He lived with his mother who passed away 5 years ago.

OP posts:
BlancheSaysYes · 23/04/2024 14:06

He sounds sad and lonely but he’s not your problem. He’s obviously decided you have the potential to alleviate his loneliness and lacks social skills. Can you mention your boyfriend/girlfriend next time?

Original poster
HappFridays · 23/04/2024 14:13

I think I might have to invent a boyfriend/girlfriend! I met a male friend at the local pub the other week and he gave me such a filthy look all night and did not acknowledge me at all so there is definitely some sort of issue with him. I was hoping that might have put an end to it all. Will avoid giving him any time in the mornings other than a hello

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 23/04/2024 14:22

Oh dear...you hang out in the pub he does?
Eee...that's a problem too.

I know it sucks but I wouldn't go to that bar anymore. If you have to then make sure you've lots of people around you who are aware of this issue and will look out for you.

pizzaHeart · 23/04/2024 14:24

HappFridays · 23/04/2024 14:00

@pizzaHeart I have mentioned it to a friend and she was concerned as she felt it was inappropriate and creepy. He is not known to have ever had a relationship. He is 56. He has one friend in the village that he plays golf with and spends every night in the pub for company. He lived with his mother who passed away 5 years ago.

I would worry in this case, sorry, as he clearly has an issue with social relationships. Your friend is right.
I would raise it at your workplace.
Blanking him and distancing is the best way here, maybe even at the expense of leaving your job.

Dadandhusband · 23/04/2024 16:52

HappFridays · 23/04/2024 12:31

Thank you for your advise. I know it sounds really trivial in the grand scheme of things but it has really annoyed me this morning. No woman should have to feel uncomfortable - he must realise it is not appropriate. Unfortunately we live in the same village so he knows I am single. Head phones is a good idea - hopefully he will get the message soon !

For comparison I was recently accosted at work by someone informing me everyone was ogling me. To which laughter came from between 2 aisles then I was told to wait while 2 others came to look at me, then when they did they said phwoar yes please! Then I left. Guess what I'm a man, there was 5 women from ages 20s to 60s, now imagine how I felt. Creeped out, objectified? I genuinely tried to make a complaint but got laughed at, I told my wife, she laughed at it. This man fancies you, is possibly lonely, if there an age difference it's creepy, if there isn't how else is he supposed to approach a woman and make his intentions known..if it was an attractive man you'd be all smitten and asking a different question