Blindsided by breakup

[Eleanoroliphantisnotfine]

My boyfriend of just over a year has messaged me this morning saying he wants a break to figure out what he wants.

I didn’t see this coming at all and feel completely blindsided and heartbroken. And the fact that he did it over a message too.

I haven’t replied to him as I don’t know what to say. To my mind a break is a break up.

I know I will get over this, we’ve only been together a year but I just feel devastated at the moment.

Do I reply or just leave it and try to move on?

Don't give him the satisfaction of any kind of reply. That's exactly what he's waiting for.

I'm so sorry, op. Fuck that twat.

Probably best not to reply at all. But if I did, it would be one word "Bye!", then block. Of course a break is an end to anyone with a modicum of self respect.

I think I would just reply:

“I can save you the effort of thinking. I think it’s cowardly and disrespectful to drop “a break” on me by text message after we’ve been together a year, so I won’t be interested in continuing our relationship even if you decide you would like to. I’ll leave your things in a box by my front door to collect. All the best.”

Holy Jesus! Never mind dodging a bullet, you dodged a nuclear missile there!!!!!

My ex fiancé of 10 years called off our wedding, but I only found out as my caterers emailed me to say they were sorry to hear that we had split…this was the first I’d heard about it!

Just when I'd thought I'd heard it all!!

@Eleanoroliphantisnotfine - try this:

When a man says he wants to ,"take a break to figure out what he wants", what he actually means is "I want to take a break to figure out if this woman I want to shag wants to shag me too, and a break allows me to do it guilt free"

Exactly this.
To do it via text though is such poor form and shows what a complete dick he is. Just ignore him, don’t respond back, leave him hanging and try your best not to think of him at all, and just move on.

I like this response but would tack please don't contact me on the end.

Ignoring his message only works if you don't need to repatriate his belongings.

You've got this!

Wow, that was completely awful of him! You sound amazing and happy and better off without him.

This is so unhealthy and immature. Don't do this. Try to seek his perspective for your own benefit.

Maybe he is having a life crisis and feels like he can only continue whilst thinking about himself at the moment. The break may only be a small symptom of a larger issue he is having; I wouldn't be so quick to demonise someone.

I’ve been wondering if he’s met someone else and wants to see if anything comes of that, but if he has, there were no signs.

I do also wonder if he expected me to beg him to change his mind blah blah blah, but I do actually have too much self respect for that.

Maybe, but he was always saying how important communication was in a relationship, so I would have expected him to have communicated this in a better way than blindsiding me with a text message.

I agree that it must not feel nice to be met with a text. However, nobody is perfect, and what we say often differs from what we do. I don't know the ins and outs of the situation, but what I do know is that the people on this website with the worst experiences will often have the most to say. So try not to let a few anecdotes in this thread conclude your mind about his mindset.

I suggest seeking clarity about what he 'wants' and working from there. If it still ends, so be it, but at least it will be handled more maturely than with no contact from the start.

So what?

He has relegated himself back to randomer, and his methods show that ultimately OP is well rid.

Suggesting that he has a perspective which would benefit OP would be hilarious, if it wasn’t so stereotypically male self-centered. He needs time to think about himself and OP should think about … him too, apparently. In the meantime he should just fuck-off and OP should get on with her life.

This is ridiculous and panders to really bad behaviour.

If he is having some sort of crisis (very unlikely) he doesnt want her support with it and clearly doesnt want to talk with her.

Best give him what he wants, a break. As he gives no details, the most healthy step for OP is to make it permanent, otherwise she'll be dangling for months and her wellbeing will suffer.

The people who need help the most often don't ask for it. It's important to remember we are all individuals before we are partners with somebody else, it's a hard truth. It's too black and white to simply hate this person for this without taking things into consideration.

Then again, you don't have to do any of this, live your life how you want. I'm only talking from my perspective.

Again you are suggesting OP should direct her mental efforts to him, away from her own life.

There’s a really good maxim in adult life. “Say what you mean, and mean what you say”.
Your posts suggest that this isn’t something you can’t or won’t do, and that allowances should be given for the fact you can’t actually say things that you mean and are prepared to be held accountable for.

OK, but I would never choose to be in a relationship with someone that behaves like that (or can’t not behave like that.)

Absolute dickhead move and so textbook
He's clearly met someone else but wants to keep you hanging in case it doesn't work out
This must have been such a shock
I know it'll be hard but just block him and keep busy
Even if he comes crawling back and you try again , the anger and paranoia will eat you up and you'll regret not kicking him to the curb now

I would just reply making it clear that it’s a break up and you won’t be an option once he’s had his chance to think. You deserve someone who is going to worship you, not someone who might in the future decide to be with you.

’I’m not going to pretend I’m not hurt and confused by your message but I appreciate you being honest. I won’t be able to feel happy and secure in a relationship with you now so this will have to be a permanent break up. I wish you all the best. ‘

I like @scrunshine s message. You can then walk away with your head held high and you let him know that his action has been inconsistent and that you don't need someone like that in your life. Anything more aggressive than that, including silence and blocking, will just make you sound butthurt and that gives him more power.

I can see what people are saying about replying with a dignified message and part of me is tempted to do that and also to try and fight to save the relationship but I really don’t think he deserves it. I’m done.

I know I said block before but I'm in 2 minds now
Maybe a sort of 'unless you've got a very good explanation for delivering this bombshell by text then no, we won't be taking a break , it will be permanent....'
like on the small off-chance he's dealing with a cancer diagnosis and can't handle it
highly unlikely
I'd still money on him just being a knob

How often did you see each other and was there really no sign this was coming?

I've been with my partner roughly the same amount of time and can't imagine receiving a text like that out of the blue

@solice84 we saw each other 3 evenings a week and most weekends. Zero signs (and I’d like to think I’m usually quite good at picking up on stuff).

We’d had a really nice weekend and were planning things we could do over the summer, he was being affectionate. There was no indication this was coming.

I think a variation of scrunshines message would be god for when he comes crawling back. “You hurt me, so I won’t be giving you the chance to do that again. I’m surprised you thought it would ever be a possibility, knowing that I would never be able to trust you not to dump me with no notice. In any case my life has moved on.”

Don't answer him.
Ever.
Block him on all tech.

Can you sell his stuff and make a bit of money off it?
Otherwise just chuck it in the recycling / charity shop / bin.
If he ever comes looking for it, claim ignorance. You never saw it, don't know anything etc.