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Original poster

Conflicted regarding DH ex wife and baby

50 replies

SamWalks · 23/04/2024 07:35

Hi all,

I have been married just over two years and when I met my DH he was previously married and has a daughter . When I met my husband, he had no contact with his daughter. Just to give some context when he separated from his ex wife, he would have his daughter half of the week and would normally take her to spend time with his family. Once he initiated divorce proceedings his ex refused for him to have any time alone with DD, and said he could only see daughter supervised in her home. My DH refused this condition, and began to go down the legal route, however this was costly and he stopped around the time we met. Just before we were due to get married, she contacted him and said he could see his daughter now, which he did. She then asked him if he would like to spend Xmas with DD, my husband said he couldn’t as we had already organised to visit my family in Scotland. When he attempted to get in contact and organise time to see DD after Xmas, she has asked him to only contact her through her brother and how she’s now in a relationship and does not want her partner to be uncomfortable.

This all happened over a year ago now, he has had no contact with DD since. My DH has also become even more emotionally distant from his daughter, when he discovered that his ex wife’s new partner is a former colleague. He always felt uncomfortable about their relationship, as she would spend hours at this man’s house, but would say they are only friends. The ex colleague also spent thousands on baby gifts when DD was born, and my DH found this extremely strange at the time. I know my DH is questioning the paternity of his daughter due to this.

Recently we found out his DD is unwell and in hospital, I’ve asked my DH if he would visit, but he’s said he is conflicted. He is also cautious that his ex will refuse or put a condition on him. He has said he does not want to be held to ransom by her. I also think my DH is kind of burying his head in the sand here and does not want to open that can of worms.

I believe he should push to see his daughter, even turn up at the hospital if need be. We have also had our own fertility struggles, and it makes me more sad that his daughter misses out on her dad Just wanted advise, sorry for the long post but wanted to give context.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 23/04/2024 07:39

What a poor father he is. He's made so many mistakes with his DD.

Why on earth hasn't he continued the legal route?

Does he still keep in touch via the brother?

AzureBlue99 · 23/04/2024 07:41

I can see why he is doubting the paternity. DNA test is called for.

DisforDarkChocolate · 23/04/2024 07:42

Honestly, your DH is a terrible parent. I'm not saying his ex-wife has their child's best interests at heart but he's terrible.

Original poster
SamWalks · 23/04/2024 07:43

To be honest, he lost his job around that time, and began to retrain. I’ve been the main breadwinner for the past year, he’s only just found work in the past two months.

what mistakes do you think he’s made?

OP posts:
MarkMenziesFakeMugger · 23/04/2024 07:43

I’d be worried that your DH isn’t as family minded as you think he is…

BobbyBleu · 23/04/2024 07:45

It sounds like he hasn't pushed hard enough to see his daughter. Are you sure he really wants to?

Flapearedknave · 23/04/2024 07:45

What mistakes has he made?

Abandoning hia daughter is a pretty big one.

Court for a care order costs around £300. You don't need solicitors.

mitogoshi · 23/04/2024 07:49

You don't need to use a solicitor, you simply apply to the court. I don't understand why he didn't do this straight away. If he's genuinely concerned about paternity he needs to speak to her and request a test

jelly79 · 23/04/2024 07:49

Sorry but she sounds like she has made things difficult and he just gave up.

Poor kid

Quitelikeit · 23/04/2024 07:51

This is a hard one. DNA test is needed and on this particular forum your husband will be attacked for not making the effort.

Sadly women on here think men should fight to
the death regardless of money and mental torture levelled at them by the ex

I would say if she was harmful and lacked emotional intelligence you just leave the child be as their mother would likely destroy and cause friction for years to come in any way she could.

Gazelda · 23/04/2024 07:56

What mistakes has he made? Well for a start, he's made virtually zero effort to see or speak either her. He missed seeing her at Christmas. He's not making any effort (or showing any desire) to see her in hospital. He hasn't pursued the legal route.

Does he pay child support?
Does he send card, message, gift on her birthday or at Christmas?
Does he keep in contact with the brother?

While I agree that the paternity now looks questionable, that has been a recent development.

You can't honestly say that he's a good father, surely?

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 23/04/2024 07:56

SamWalks · 23/04/2024 07:43

To be honest, he lost his job around that time, and began to retrain. I’ve been the main breadwinner for the past year, he’s only just found work in the past two months.

what mistakes do you think he’s made?

Are you kidding? He abandoned his daughter, had the chance to see his daughter and chose you, I'm assuming hasn't kept contact through her brother, using the excuse of paternity not to see his daughter and is doing next to nothing to see her. Is he paying CMS?

If he is that concerned about paternity then he needs to get a DNA test asap or take responsibility for his child and fight to see her.

SD1978 · 23/04/2024 07:59

So despite being given (an admittedly shitty) option of contact if he went through a family member, he's not bothered.

Imustgoforarun · 23/04/2024 08:01

Instead of going to Scotland with you he should have seen his daughter.
he sounds lazy and as usual another woman (you) is stepping up to support him. Why would you want a child with him when he can’t be bothered with his DD.

FAAFOMS · 23/04/2024 08:02

There is no way I would get into a relationship with a waste of space man like this.

Raise your bar OP.

Any man who can abandon his child (for any reason) is one to chuck back in!

socks1107 · 23/04/2024 08:04

He should've continued the legal route without any question.
That being said I can understand how high conflict these situations get and there were times I wandered what on earth we were doing when we took my dh ex to court. As it happens she was and did use that as tool to manipulate a young 9 year old. Even documented by cafcass, although my dh got a positive outcome in court the relationship between him and his daughter was poisoned and between herself and I never recovered following court. Her mum literally used it as a tool to scare into believing that we were either trying to take her for full custody, or that I'd pushed dh into it and was a horrible person to put the mum and sd through it. Reality is mum stopped all overnights the day I moved in , despite having had three months notice it was happening.

The relationship between my dh and his dd is non existent now, but he can say he didn't walk away. It's an absolute minefield when others are using a child as a tool

BodyKeepingScore · 23/04/2024 08:04

It sounds like he abandoned his daughter when things got messy. I couldn't be with someone like this. He should have fought, and kept fighting until contact issues were resolved. Instead he walked away and when given an opportunity to see her, chose to spend that time in Scotland with other people. That tells me everything I need to know about the sort of man he is and the sort of father he'd likely be to any DC you may choose to have .

Soontobe60 · 23/04/2024 08:05

Quitelikeit · 23/04/2024 07:51

This is a hard one. DNA test is needed and on this particular forum your husband will be attacked for not making the effort.

Sadly women on here think men should fight to
the death regardless of money and mental torture levelled at them by the ex

I would say if she was harmful and lacked emotional intelligence you just leave the child be as their mother would likely destroy and cause friction for years to come in any way she could.

I would fight to the death regardless of money and mental torture in order to see my estranged child (if I had one). That’s what a decent parent does!

crumblingschools · 23/04/2024 08:07

My family would have understood us not going to see them at Christmas if it meant my partner could have time with his DD.

How old is the child?

Original poster
SamWalks · 23/04/2024 08:08

I think he’s been in a difficult situation. From having his child weekly to being told he can only have her under supervision. He attempted mediation - she refused, he attempted to pay child support at the time- she refused. He even attempted to speak with her family (parents and siblings) and they said to give her time to heal from the divorce.

She contacted him on Xmas eve to see his daughter - we were due to leave that evening to go to my family.

i agree, he could have pushed more but I believe he was genuinely mentally exhausted and financially couldn’t afford to at the time. This month has been the only month we have financially not been dependent on my income.

He is in contact with the brother and checks in regularly.

Maybe this wasn’t the right place to share, I wasn’t attempting to make DH look as if he has done everything right, I just wanted advise on what’s best to move forward.

OP posts:
Luckydog7 · 23/04/2024 08:12

Quite. He is using the DNA doubt to justify why he isn't seeing her but this is post rationalisation. Any decent father would need to know either way. He needs contact so he can do the DNA test. Very easy to do if not particularly quick.

This is the other side of stories we here often on here.

Single mum after the dad has fecked off and doesn't see the children. Suddenly dad is interested again and it turns out there is a new woman on the scene and he's realised the error of his ways/ex wife is crazy and stopping him from seeing them. Nothing to do with him being a deadbeat. Quelle suprise!

I would be very sceptical about his story op.

BallonDarts · 23/04/2024 08:13

I don't think when a child is poorly in hospital is a good time to force contact.
Put the child first here, they might not be able to remember their absent father well and the hospital situation is already stressful.
Also unfair on NHS staff if there's a scene.
If he really wants to restart contact do it properly and in a way that puts the kid first and at ease.

Iggii · 23/04/2024 08:15

If a sick child in hospital isn't enough to motivate him, nothing will.

TheFlis · 23/04/2024 08:16

She refused to let him pay any child support?? I would definitely be asking for a DNA test. Is he on the birth certificate?

KickHimInTheCrotch · 23/04/2024 08:17

He sounds awful. So he ditched his child at Xmas to hang out with your family? No decent parent would do that.