Conflicted regarding DH ex wife and baby

[SamWalks]

Hi all,

I have been married just over two years and when I met my DH he was previously married and has a daughter . When I met my husband, he had no contact with his daughter. Just to give some context when he separated from his ex wife, he would have his daughter half of the week and would normally take her to spend time with his family. Once he initiated divorce proceedings his ex refused for him to have any time alone with DD, and said he could only see daughter supervised in her home. My DH refused this condition, and began to go down the legal route, however this was costly and he stopped around the time we met. Just before we were due to get married, she contacted him and said he could see his daughter now, which he did. She then asked him if he would like to spend Xmas with DD, my husband said he couldn’t as we had already organised to visit my family in Scotland. When he attempted to get in contact and organise time to see DD after Xmas, she has asked him to only contact her through her brother and how she’s now in a relationship and does not want her partner to be uncomfortable.

This all happened over a year ago now, he has had no contact with DD since. My DH has also become even more emotionally distant from his daughter, when he discovered that his ex wife’s new partner is a former colleague. He always felt uncomfortable about their relationship, as she would spend hours at this man’s house, but would say they are only friends. The ex colleague also spent thousands on baby gifts when DD was born, and my DH found this extremely strange at the time. I know my DH is questioning the paternity of his daughter due to this.

Recently we found out his DD is unwell and in hospital, I’ve asked my DH if he would visit, but he’s said he is conflicted. He is also cautious that his ex will refuse or put a condition on him. He has said he does not want to be held to ransom by her. I also think my DH is kind of burying his head in the sand here and does not want to open that can of worms.

I believe he should push to see his daughter, even turn up at the hospital if need be. We have also had our own fertility struggles, and it makes me more sad that his daughter misses out on her dad Just wanted advise, sorry for the long post but wanted to give context.

I'm sorry but I think he's awful too. Why hasn't he made any effort to see his daughter in the past year?
If someone took contact for my child from me, I'd do absolutely everything I could to sort it! Your DH has done very little and should be ashamed of himself.
If he's now questioning the paternity then he needs to explore that but he can't just step back and do nothing for his child! Awful.

He's a shit guy, sorry OP.

He didn't have enough money to afford the £300 court fee? Couldn't he have got an evenings or weekend job in a bar or supermarket to bring in the extra cash? You said he stopped the court proceedings around the time he met you. Did he really stop an important court case just for a shag? You're obviously more than that now but he wouldn't have known that at the time. Did he spend the £300 court fee on his dates with you when you first met?

Why have you been financially supporting him? Why can't he support himself? There's loads of jobs out there, why couldn't he get a stopgap job until he found a job in his field? His ex "won't let him" pay child support so what has he been doing with that money he would have paid? Is he saving it each month for his daughter?

Would you really have done the same as him if it was your child living with your ex? Would you pursue a new relationship when you were inbthe middle of a stressful court case regarding your child?

Nope! Get rid. If you won't get rid of him then just make sure you don't get pregnant with his child.

Presumably he is on the birth certificate?

I think he should ask for a DNA test.

Assuming he is the biological father he needs to decide what he wants. He needs to bear in mind it is VERY important for his DD to have contact with him. She will benefit from knowing her roots and having a connection.

He is currently completely pushed out from her life so little and often to build a relationship with her and then even one day every 2nd or 3rd weekend as more of a an uncle role is what is best for his DD bearing and mind her Mum has created an exclusive nuclear family.

He needs to get a paternity test to establish whether this little girl is his or not. Once he's established that he could push back to court for access. You don't need to use solicitors he could represent himself.

Nothing nor any person could keep me from using every ounce of my being to see my children.

He is an excuse of a father. He could represent himself at court, not ideal but no way would I not see my child. She offered him Xmas and he said no? I don't care if I was on the moon I would make it happen.

So he isn't seeing her, isn't paying child support and now he wants to question parental relationship?

Wow you have a diamond there, at least you will have the foresight to do a DNA test if you have a child.

How old is his DD?

So you met him, he wasn’t seeing her, he’s since been out of work for years? Court order doesn’t cost much, I don’t understand how you ‘give up’ doing everything you can to see your child. If he’d got a court order he wouldn’t be having all this last minute and chopping and changing business that puts him off. I don’t understand how a man who doesn’t see his child is attractive. If I hadn’t seen my kids, and I was offered Christmas, at the last minute, I would climb every mountain and drag myself to get them. “We were leaving that evening” who gives a shit when it’s your baby?

It’s insane to me that anyone could ever make excuses for a man that doesn’t see their kids. You could torture me in the bloody Tower of London and I’d still do everything for my children. If he needs a DNA test well whatever - he can do that whilst seeing her and going through the proper channels to achieve this.

Asking on Christmas eve if you want to see your child on Christmas day is a very weird. Surely she would not want to give up time on Christmas day. Then not to understand other plans is odd too

Yep. I agree with this.

For certain PPs to paint a "oh mumsnet will drag your DH because they hate men and fathers blah blah blah" thing is telling and sad.

To such posters; Is this really your bar for men and fatherhood? What does that say about your opinion of men?

I know many wonderful fathers, they would certainly never behave the way OP's husband has.

Just to let you know, you don't need legal representation in family court so it literally would be the £300 court fee or however much it is. He wouldn't be at a disadvantage by not having a solicitor, they tend to come down pretty hard on mothers who deny fathers access to their children (as they should). Your lovely husband would have known this himself if he'd bothered to look into it instead of getting distracted by a new woman.

He sounds like a poor excuse for a man, and an absolutely terrible parent. What on earth do you see in him? Even if he does think she is not his biological daughter, he should have asked for a DNA test. Just dropping the poor girl reflects very badly on him.

Even if the mum had refused child support (who does that!) I would have been putting some money to one side, to hopefully be able to give to DD.

Are you sure you are getting all the facts @SamWalks?

As others have said, he didn't need a solicitor or mediation, he just needed to fill in a form and pay the court fee.

Has he asked his ex if he's the father? If he isn't, I can't see what her motivation would be to lie now - after all he pays no maintenance and has no contact. If he isn't the father, surely she'd just tell him?

Having said that, I suppose it's possible she'd falsely tell him he isn't the father just to remove him from their life.

Sorry OP, I can really see how difficult this is for you, as you're involved but not enough to take action.

Some barking mad replies from bitter angry women here. Ignore their spite, OP.

Encourage him to speak to the brother but he should also insist on a DNA test.

@CwmYoy , eh no. Really the bar is that low for fathers? Christ I was lucky.

You really honestly could respect a man who didn't pay for his child's necessities, didn't visit when invited, plenty of mothers don't want to leave their newborns with their partners.

Wow, thankful to have decent respectable menin my life , who yes may or may not have fucked up an adult relationship but are active parents.

The excuses are poor and if you genuinely believe them to be sufficient to keep a parent from a child then I am sorry you obviously haven't had a positive parenting experience.

If he just gives up on access to his child because of money, the tells you what he maybe like with your child if you seperate . There is legal aid/charities to help with such things .

He can get a DNA and be a parent he should be

So he was offered the chance to spend xmas with his daughter.... and he said sorry already have plans.
No plans should have been more important than the opportunity to spend that time with her, given the apparant contact issues previously!

His reponse should have been, I'm so sorry SamWalks, I know we had plans but this has just come up and I have to see my dd, you'll have to visit your family on your own. But he prioritised your family over his little girl!

And she refused child support ey? Really? You've heard this from her or from him? I imagine the more likely scenario is he didn't offer or told her he didn't have any money.
Perhaps she stopped his contact, not because she was bitter about the divorce, but because he was a shit father? Or refused to pay anything towards his daughter?
Who goes from regular contact to absolutely none/supervised only contact for absolutely no reason?

If you want to help him forward this with, if I were you I'd be having a sensible conversation with his ex wife and find out the actual facts around everything.

If he doubts his paternity, then why on earth is he not getting a dna test?

Such naivety from some about the behaviour and attitude of the mother. Look to her behaviour before criticising the father

Yes, he's not the best but we know from on here that he isn't unusual.

As for me not having a positive parenting experience. You couldn't be more wrong.

Married once, still married, adult sons with several degrees and happy relationships.

My life is blessed but that doesn't mean I have no empathy for others.

Nobody’s being naive about the mother’s potential behaviour here, but we are being given facts on the father. He sounds like an absolute fucking loser. There’s no excuse for not seeing your kids, I don’t care if your EXW is Medusa - you see and support your “baby” as she’s described in the post title. If the DD is a baby, and OP has been married to the father for two years - when did he leave?

My EXH has not so much as asked how his kids are for years. I’m sure he explains it away, I’m a bitch or whatever, but he just unfortunately does not give a shit. I couldn’t stop him seeing them if he wanted to, he’s simply done nothing about it. He doesn’t want to! I don’t believe OP’s man has been ‘down the legal route’ as the legal route is a simple court order which takes months at most. There’s no wayside to fall down really in a simple case of seeing his kid, he doesn’t want to!

Well I can tell you that there is nothing on God's green earth that could make me give up on trying to get my DC back.

If my husband upped and left with my children and refused to let me see them, I'd fight it until my dying breath.

So yeah... there's that. Good parents don't give up on seeing their kids in my opinion.

Sadly women on here think men should fight to the death regardless of money and mental torture levelled at them by the ex

I don't get this at all. I honestly don't.

If someone just took your child away tomorrow are you saying you would just throw your hands up and go ah well if it got expensive / difficult?

I really, really struggle to sympathise with that mindset honestly I do because I just can't fathom ever giving up on my children like that. They are literally my life.

And I suspect OP will realise that when she has a child of her own hopefully one day. We'll see then if she thinks there is anything that could make her just not bother to fight to see her child.

Surely before he does anything he needs a DNA test? Has he been paying CMS?

This is a really weird thing to hope for. Another child without a father? And somehow you think you are morally superior to the OP's DH?

Erm no... you've completely misunderstood me.

I was saying I imagine OP will realise how poor form it is to give up so easily on your child when she has her own. I imagine it will feel quite inconceivable to her then.