Ex partner refusing to discuss child

[lemonblossom1]

Having some issues with my ex partner and need to send a text with a boundary - we have 1 dc together.

Our relationship ended years ago but he has never totally let go of the possibility of us getting back together. I have always been firm that it’s over and there’s zero chance of reconciliation.

Every few months he will be really persistent with trying to discuss ‘us’, and despite me repeatedly saying that I only want us to be in communication regarding DC, he keeps bringing it up. He is then intentionally difficult and doesn’t arrange times to see DC or drags his feet about it - he works shifts so can’t do set days, we have to arrange it each week, but currently he’s refusing and keeps saying ‘we will arrange the contact time together, when can we speak about things between us?’

It’s infuriating because I obviously cannot arrange a time for him to see DC as I don’t know his shifts, so he has to arrange the time based on his days off. He’s also very late with maintenance so I’m just fed up with having to be engaged in a conversation with him.

Can anyone suggest a message I can send, which reiterates I will only be discussing contact arrangements with DC, so I will not respond until he messages regarding that? Because at the moment each time I say that, he gives a non committal response like ‘we can talk about that together’ then I end up saying ‘yes so contact me when you want to discuss’ then he will reply ‘yeah first we need to talk about us’ or some similar nonsense.

Advice very welcome please, I’m really fed up of trying to facilitate a relationship between him and our child.

I think regardless of his shifts you will just have to decide for him when your dc will be available for him to collect and you should just text him saying 'dc will be available for you to collect at 9.30 on Sunday morning. If you are not here by 10.30 I will assume you are not coming. If you want to arrange a different time some weeks just let me know the week before'. Alternatively if you are still in touch with his family, e.g. PIL then see whether they want to have regular contact and he can see his dc at their house.

I’d do the opposite and not contact him at all. Let him contact you to arrange seeing your DC. Ignore “Let’s talk about us” messages.

If he wants a relationship with the DC, he needs to make it happen. At the moment he’s using the DC to punish you for not engaging with “Let’s talk about us”. Don’t give him that power.

I’d put maintenance through formal channels. Also Like a PP Id just pick my own date if he can’t communicate. Don’t ask open questions, what days are you free type stuff? X would like to see you are you available on Sunday at 10?

I’d possibly set up an online calendar and ask him to put down when he is available to see child. That way you can just text him a a link and send the same message over and over. Please put it on the calendar.

I’d just pick set dates and say “since you won’t give me dates when you are available, these are the dates DS is available. If we don’t see you I’ll assume you are working”.

And definitely apply for maintenance formally.

Thanks for the replies. Frustratingly I do have a CMS case open, when I first opened it a few years ago he quit his job to avoid the payments being auto deducted from his wage; he now works cash in hand (doesn’t declare it I assume as CMS have his income through as nil) so the only chance of getting any maintenance is from him directly.

This is exactly what he is doing. Then if I don’t respond to one of his pleading relationship texts, he will later say ‘well I was going to arrange contact with DC but you started ignoring me’. He was very controlling and emotionally abusive when we were together and now contact/arrangements with DC are his last playing card.

Get to court and get contact and maintenance set in black and white. You are living your life on hold for his shifts - he's working during contact, he sorts childcare.
You might end up financially worse off but you would not be under his control any more

As kindly as possible, is your child gaining anything from the relationship with their dad? If he really wanted to see your child he would, he doesn't sound bothered and your child may pick up on this.

A text setting boundaries doesn't sound like it will do anything as he's ignored all of your boundaries for years. I would just stop contacting him and wait for him to msg about seeing his child.

He was very controlling and emotionally abusive when we were together

And he's still doing it. Take back the control. Text him that you will not engage in any discussion as it is neither useful nor wanted. You will make arrangements about the children by text for clarity, and if he refuses then that is up to him. In the absence of further communication from him the DC will be available at x times on x dates, IF HE CHOSES NOT TO ENGAGE THAT IS ON HIM.

Worse case scenario is you will lose some cash each month. The kids won't see their dad but THAT WONT BE YOUR FAULT.

Not particularly, but I feel really worried about if he fucks off entirely what impact that will have on my child (abandonment issues etc) as they already have a relationship formed now. Dc is 8. The only thing dc would miss out on is money, as generally he pays £400 per month but hasn’t for tbe past couple of months because he was unemployed and then waiting to be paid from his new job. But obviously if contact stops entirely the possibility of that money will be gone.

You’re right re a text stating boundaries probably doing nothing. I think I just need to disengage, it’s just really stressful and unpleasant

Thank you for this!

I would withhold all contact to be honest and not engage with him at all. If he wants contact let him go through the courts

My ex tried this. He was fannying around with contact to such an extent it was making me physically ill - wondering if he was/wasn't going to have them, letting them down at literally the last minute, and then managing the kids' disappointment. I actually got my solicitor to write to him stipulating that the children would be available in x pattern, as previously arranged, and to let me know if he was able to have them in advance. It soon petered out to three times a year but the kids knew that if they did see him it was good and that the norm was not to see him.

This is the stage I feel I’m getting to - that it’s making me so stressed I feel unwell. Glad to hear your kids adjusted okay to the contact only being occasional.

Get a court order. It's the only way to stop his controlling behaviour. I'd also be asking the CMS to find out how this man is living on zero income. Also does he claim benefits? Because otherwise how is he housing and feeding himself.

OP, he is STILL controlling you. And worse, he's using your DC as a way to do it.

I think you need to just say you will NOT be discussing your relationship as it is 100% over and there is nothing to discuss.

Then, follow up with a specific reference to contact but do so knowing the chances are he will bail/not be reliable etc.

eg, "Please let me know by [insert the day after the one you know he gets his shift schedule] every week/month regarding when you would prefer to hvae DC. If you don't, I'll assume you will not be having them that week and will make my plans accordingly."

Then focus on your DC. Because the problem is that you cannot force him to be a good dad so you need to protect your child from any emotional fall out.

You can not get a court order that stipulates that he sees his child. To obtain any kind of court order first the OP would have to stop contact and he would have to apply to court for contact and they would then negotiate the terms of the order. Then if the terms of the order aren't adhered to buy her ex she can refuse contact at other times. But the op can't ask the court to order him to agree to see the child every Sunday.

Ultimately even with a court order he can still do what he is doing now. Turn up or not turn up, pay or not pay and communicate on his terms.

Op you do need very clear boundaries and you need to be prepared to stick to them. Get a second cheapo phone with a SIM card and give him that number and block him from all other methods of communication - WhatsApp, Facebook, twitter, email everything. Send him a message each Sunday morning -

" Lemonblossomchild is available this week for contact on Monday and Wednesday after 3.30pm and on Saturday through to Sunday, please advise which two days you can make yourself available for contact by 10pm this evening. This phone is switched off from 10pm on Sunday so if you don't respond by then I will assume you have no plans to see lemonblossomchild and she will no longer be available for contact."

Put the phone in a drawer as soon as the message is sent and don't look at it again until 10pm. If he has replied with availability great, if he hasn't then no contact happens that week and the phone is switched off and put back in the drawer until next Sunday morning.

If contact goes ahead , the phone can be switched on that day in case of emergencies.
If any messages are sent to the phone that are not emergency messages about your child delete them immediately and do not reply. The only messages you should send him are the ones on a Sunday advising him of child's availability.

If he agrees to a time and day for contact, his choices are to turn up or not turn up. Give him 20 minutes, then explain to your child that he isn't coming and leave the house. If he has sent a message with any excuses, ignore them and send a message that simply says. "As you did not arrive within twenty minutes of the agreed pick up time, lemonblossomchild is no longer available"

Look up grey rock technique and do not waiver. This is the only way to deal with men who attempt to control their ex- partners using their children's emotions.

If he can't respect yours and arguably more importantly his child's time and her feelings, then very, very strict boundaries need to be put in place. If he doesn't like it, he can chose to go to court and have an order drawn up.

Is there anyone who can act as a go between for arranging contact?

I would just keep reiterating that there is no “us” and the only texts that you will respond to will be ones arranging contact time.

And don't excuse his behaviour to your child. You don't have to go into detail but if he doesn't give you a date for contact then you simply say "Your dad says he can't see you this week". If he does give a date but cancels, "Your dad says he can't make it after all" and if he just doesn't show up, "It looks like he can't make it, let's go out to the park".

If they ask you why he is so flaky, it is not untruthful to say, "I honestly don't know. What I do know is that it has nothing to do with you." Don't make up excuses for him.

OP my ExBIL was like this, my DSis ended up going no contact with him & everything went through me instead. When he realised he could no longer get to her, he fucked off as he wasn’t actually interested in the children, it was all just a way to control DSis.

@80schildhood really good advice!

He’s still trying to control you.

Stop chasing him for contact and ignore his emotional blackmail that he was going to arrange contact but you are ignoring him.

Your child is rapidly approaching an age where he will have his own phone and want to make weekend plans with friends without being forced to cancel because dad starts playing games with your son too. “You are going out with friends? I was going to visit you…”

Do you think ex actually wants to see ds? Or is he seeing ds in the hope that it leads to sex with you ? Dragging out contact with a dad who really wants to see you is going to end up with him either convincing ds to live with him full-time to punish you or a massive realisation that dad doesn’t care which will be worse than if he disappears now. Some people believe that sporadic contact is fine but in my opinion, showing up regularly goes a long way- even if it’s as little as once a month.

Just on the child having a phone thing ..... Don't let him have direct contact with your child by phone. If he buys your child a phone then the child can use it when he is at his house. When he gets to your house it goes in a drawer. All communication re contact arrangements, holidays etc MUST be between parents until the child is at least 13/14. Because until that time your child's availability and care still very much affects your life too. Direct contact between the non-resident parent and child at a young age also emphasises to the child that there is on-going and serious conflict between their parents, to the extent that they can't even message one another. Children need to be kept away from this as much as possible. And finally.... An abuser having a hotline straight to a child they are already using as a weapon and emotionally abusing is NEVER a good idea and provides a platform for further emotional abuse or parental alienation.

The suggestion from @80schildhood is very good

the only difference I would do, is I would not be telling my child that Daddy is due - much less upset when Daddy does not turn up.

I can see why you would feel this way but I don't agree. This puts the mother in a position where she has to potentially lie to her child. If the child says "when am I seeing dad?", the op will have to give them a day or lie. For a child who has one emotionally flaky, absent parent, the reliability of the other parent is what keeps them safe. They need to feel that they can absolutely trust one of their parents. Op doesn't have to be unkind or even seem surprised, disappointed or angry when dad doesn't show up. She can simply say it as a statement of fact. Children do need to feel sad, angry and upset and they also need to be taught how to deal with these feelings. I honestly don't believe we do children any favours by shielding them from the truth.

Practically speaking, the child will get to a stage where they need to know what's happening and if they can make other arrangements, play dates ,sports matches, birthday parties etc. Op will need to tell them why they need to keep part or all of their day free.