My mum called me crying. What should she do? :(

[Manifestingchocolate]

Chatting with my mum this weekend on the phone only for her to break down in tears telling me she doesn't know what to do anymore.

She moved away 12 years ago after meeting someone new. They had only been dating around 18 months at the time. He lived in Scotland (we were in England) around 3 hours away. They decided she should move to Scotland as she had adult children at the time (mid twenties) and his children were teenagers so it made sense that she could move.

Then, 10 years ago her now husband had a major stroke. He has recovered incredibly well considering but has not worked since and would admittedly find work difficult with his symptoms. However he now has severe anxiety and barely leaves the house. My mum has hardly seen any of Scotland in the 10 years she has been there as a result and he refuses to go on holiday anywhere at all. My mum has always been an explorer before this, loved her holidays. Although he will go on fishing weekends now and then with his neighbour but still doesn't go anywhere with her, preferring to sit at home together.

Also, in the last 12 years, my siblings and I have had children. My mum now has 5 grandchildren which she didn't have before and she has admitted to me that she feels she's missing out on them being in Scotland and only seeing them around once a month. She has asked him to consider moving to England with her now that she has grandchildren and his children are now in their 20s and childfree and he has said no, that he will never move away from his own grown up kids.

Mum is early 60s and still working FT due to her partners stroke and is the sole earner but doesn't really have a life as her husband won't travel and she misses her grandchildren. He never comes to visit with her when she visits us. Her husband also now has 2 cats so we can no longer visit them either as I'm allergic to them.

Mum feels trapped and like life is passing her by and that she's missing out on so much back home. She is missing out on a lot. We can't even go and stay with her. Yet she has a job and life in Scotland now. They are mortgage free. Her husband relies on her, adores her, constantly very affectionate towards her. They get on very well so she feels extremely torn as he doesn't make her unhappy aside from refusing to actually do anything with life!

If she moved back here she would have to rent or move in with my elderly grandfather and she told me she would miss her husband terribly although wants much more from life too. I know she would find it extremely difficult living with my grandfather. His house is also tiny and he's a hoarder so I'm not sure how there would be room for her. Mum has a property here which she owns partly but the sale of the property can only be forced through courts which she says she can not afford. She also thinks that getting a new job in her field at her age would be very difficult and she can't afford to retire yet either.

It was sad hearing how trapped and confused she feels. I'd love for her to come back home to England, but I don't think she would ever leave her husband. Yet, he is holding her back from living an abundant, enjoyable life.

She says she can't keep driving up and down the motorway forever as she's getting older etc.
What should she do?

First, she needs to train herself not to feel she needs his permission to do things. She should organise some trips to visit grandchildren. And maybe you could organise a big family holiday in some beautiful part of Scotland and she could join you.

Longer term, she is allowed to accept the marriage isn't working for her, and to leave. or just make adjustments that are more fulfilling for her, such as several weeks in England each year without him, visiting her own Dc and grandchildren, walking and exploring holidays in Uk and abroad. She can just book them. Companies like Explore or Exodus have group holidays that cater for people travelling alone. I went on one that was about 50% couples, 50% single travellers - a few like me whose partners just didn't want to go on holiday, some single, widowed, divorced - we all got on well.

She can still travel... can she go with you or friends?

She can go on the train to visit you. He doesn't have to come if he doesn't want to

Shes made a life there but shes naturally missing you .
The cats are a non issue...stay near by

Can she take extra unpaid leave now she's getting closer to retirement - so she can visit you all in one extended stay rather than several trips a year?

Or stop off for a couple of nights on the way - visit Northumberland, Cumbria, the Lakes, Cotswolds - loads of gorgeous places in England that could break the journey.

Could she fly or take the train so she can relax on the journey more?

If he wants to stay near his adult children, then your mum needs to ensure they help look after him while she travels to you for long weekends and holidays.

I agree with others. She should use all her holiday from work to visit her children and grandchildren. Go off on her own. Once she retires she could think of leaving him and moving down South again if he won’t change. She can get the train as has been said instead of driving.

Your mum sounds better off where she is. Leave her to it.

First off- he's not 'lovely' to her. He won't go anywhere, he got animals ensuring that you can't go there, but can manage a fishing trip if it suits him. I'd imagine the 'loveliness' would soon stop if your mum went a did her own thing. Not doing anything she wants to is on her/ if she wants to be out more- she should. He doesn't want to explore/ go places but she isn't needed for 24hr care so she should. She chose to make a compromise to move that he never said he would- so I don't thinks he can blame him for not being willing to uproot himself away from family just because she was. She should do more herself and if he resents it, it's then a choice to stay there or not.

Has she made friends locally that she can do things with? Go to classes, go out for meals, theatres, exhibitions etc?

You say she has hardly seen anything of Scotland - is there any reason why she can't go off on her own, or with a friend, for a weekend or short break? Can her husband not be left alone at home?

Doesn't sound as if moving south would improve her situation overall. She certainly shouldn't consider moving in with her father.

Did you read the title? “My mum called me crying”

Quite clearly feeling trapped in an unhappy situation.

Did you forget that bit or are you just trolling? 🙄

This is good advice.

He "adores" her, but refuses to go on holiday with her yet goes on fishing weekends with friends? That doesn't sound like adoration.
Relies on her - yes, that's more like the truth.
If she wants to stay in the marriage she should build an independent life for herself and travel when she wants to. He doesn't have a right to make her sit at home all the time.

Did you not read the parts that stated “he now has severe anxiety and barely leaves the house” and “her husband relies on her, adores her, constantly very affectionate towards her”?

Clearly a very complicated and difficult situation for anyone to find themselves in, and everyone involved (and able) should be offering help and support to find ways of making it work, so give the fixed-bias claptrap a rest for a change would ya?

As she's married and now mortgage free if they divorce won't she come away with good amount enough to buy somewhere small?

If he has had a stroke he may well be quite severely disabled.

It sounds like she needs some time for herself to stop herself burning out.
If she is working FT and trying to care for him as well she's got a difficult life.

I think the best thing you can do for her is listen to her. Tell her she is always welcome to come and stay with you (if that's true) or near you and that you love seeing her.

Maybe try to arrange a family holiday near her so you can see her while not staying with them.

It sounds like her life might be tough in different ways if she moved closer to you.

Mum has a property here which she owns partly but the sale of the property can only be forced through courts which she says she can not afford.

Not your original query but surely the equity from her share of this property would cover the legal costs?

Seeing her children once a month isn't too bad when they all live in different countries , can't you visit sometimes ?
You're mum must have her own life and friends , she can't just exist for you and your children . Your mum must live her own life and let her .

I belong to a Facebook group of female travellers from 50, 60, 70, 80+ from all over the world

If your DM wanted to travel, then she would, either locally or internationally

However, she may be having some fear or guilt

Perhaps you could encourage her to do more travelling ?

Get an over 50s National Express discount bus pass & a discount rail pass

Your DM could buy a camper van & disappear into the distance too

It sounds like she is looking for an excuse to leave

Thank you for some of your replies. The problem I can see now is that she doesn't want to do things without him. She has very few friends, she's always been a bit of a loner and relied on my dad to do everything with her- now it's her new husband.

We have done a couple of holidays with her but my children are very young and demanding so I can always sense that she's understandsbly exhausted by the end. She needs proper holiday breaks where she can rest and recharge but she would never go alone. I have been away with her just the two of us a couple of times but it's not a luxury I can afford very often.

She won't even go walking on her own unfortunately or join any sort of classes. She's perhaps not helping herself and wants something from the marriage that unfortunately he won't give.

I am curious about the cats.

Was that a joint decision / something your DM supported as well or did he simply get them? Did he know you’re allergic to cats?
how long has he had them?

I have said the same to her @FictionalCharacter . It's not very loving to consider her needs too.

But he's very loving and affectionate in the home which she seems to value highly.

Is she actually exhausted or do you feel she is exhausted? I have very young children and my mum (69) comes on holiday with us about once a year. We don't expect her to solely look after the children etc, so she's not shouldering the child care burden. It's not a completely relaxing holiday but we make sure she gets time for her to do what she wants.

My mum is also similar to your mum on that she is single, but she won't travel alone. She had lots of plans for retirement etc but now it's here she won't do it. In that respect I've had to take a step back. She only wants to go on trips with other people and this is mostly me and my DBs and I can't afford it very often and the DBs are younger and can't afford it either. If your mum isn't willing to do anything different (eg Derek, I'm off to see the pyramids I'll be back in two weeks and I've arranged your kids and some respite carers to drop in) there's not a lot you can do.

Agreed! Or indeed possibly out of the other owners' share if they force court proceedings.

She should write to the other owner stating that she needs her share, and that therefore they will need to either buy her out (in which case they will need to obtain a valuation) or she will apply to court.

Your dm wants her dh to change, he refuses.
You want your dm to change, she refuses.

I’m afraid your dm needs to accept that her situation won’t improve unless she does something about it.

Yes. Agreed.
However this is obviously a woman who likes to vent whilst doing nothing to help herself.

She was prepared to up and leave her own dc 12 years ago for a man, she has shown where her loyalty is. I live 600 miles from my dgc, by choice, I get on a plane if I want to see them.