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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why can't I forgive and move forward?

37 replies

Lostandunsure · 21/04/2024 17:29

Hi
Been married a long time, children are adults and only DD still living at home, as she developed mental health issues out of the blue a few years ago.
During their childhoods, DH was very difficult. Early years of marriage before children were really good, no arguments.
When children were small, we had ups and downs with DHs jobs due to redundancies, so he was under a lot of pressure. I put his behaviour down to this and worked hard to take the pressure of him ,as well as trying to find a place to live and support him to find a less stressful job. I hoped when things were settled, his behaviour would be better.
Fast forward to when he eventually had a less stressful job and I found a home where he said he wanted to live, nothing changed, if anything things were worse.
His behaviours were shouting at me if anything proved difficult or went wrong, or he was asked to do something. This shouting could happen if he was upset about something and I tried to help. The shouting could go on for hours, at times all night, even when I went in to comfort my DD who had her head under her pillow, he would follow me, still shouting. Our DSs generally ignored it, but sometimes eldest would knock on our door and ask us to be quiet. Nothing I said would make it stop.
About 10 years ago, he stopped the hours and nights of shouting. He still lost his temper if something happened he did not like or dealing with poor service at a call centre etc but it did not last as long. He would spend the hours after this anger miserable checking if I had calmed down now and asking did I like him!

A couple of years ago, when our DD became very unwell with her mental health DH finally went to GP and started antidepressants. They have transformed his temper, he is much calmer. The shouting has stopped but we still feel tense if he is finding something stressful waiting for his reaction.

However I can't find it in the myself to forget these difficult years, I am also dwelling on if the shouting could have been a cause of my DD's poor mental health. I resent my DH and have little respect for him. DH thinks I should have forgotten about his behaviour and said I should understand as he was unwell (at the time he denied this and would not see GP).
If I leave, it would have a devastating impact on my DDs mental health, which I can't risk, but I can't see my relationship with DH improving due to my resentment. DD is close to her Dad and he does a lot to support her.
How can I move forward and become happy in my marriage?
(Sorry it is so long)

OP posts:

Farahfawsett · 21/04/2024 17:35

If you take your DD out of the home with the man who you believe caused her mental illness you think this would be bad for her?

Perhaps your DD living in a new home, where she doesn't have to tread on eggshells around her father, would be the best thing that ever happened to her and she will blossom into a confident and happy young woman?

Watchkeys · 21/04/2024 17:41

DH thinks I should have forgotten about his behaviour and said I should understand as he was unwell

So he gets to treat you in a way that feels horrible for you and your children, then he tells you how you should feel about it? He's in charge of your feelings, then, in his eyes?

You can't let it go because he crossed your boundaries too many times, and that's a perfectly natural response. What your asking is similar to 'My dog attacked me and my children many times; why can't I just drop my fear and feel safe with it?'

You're not supposed to feel safe with someone who has repeatedly hurt you. Nature dictates that those who draw away from painful situations are the ones that survive. Gazelles aren't questioning their feelings about leopards: they just get away.

Be a better gazelle. Show your children how to be a gazelle. Demonstrate to them that when someone hurts you, you leave. If they learn that lesson, they will live it, and save themselves the inevitable difficulties of mixing with incompatible/abusive people.

Don't think you're helping your children by staying: you are shaping their view of how relationships 'should' be. Your DD's mental health won't be helped by continuing to live with a man who has hurt her so much. She is simply learning that abuse must be overlooked, and that abusers set the measures with regard to how their victims 'should' feel.

Original poster

Lostandunsure · 21/04/2024 17:45

Thanks for your reply. I can't be sure this caused DDs illness though and the stress of leaving and the fall out, could tip her over the edge. I could not forgive myself if this happened.
I am not sure there is a fix for this, but wondering if AIBU to still dwell on these events, that are now in the past? I am I being unfair to DH?
I know I really tried my best when things were at their worst, but now feel stuck with a man who is not the man I thought I married and a sick DD

OP posts:

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 21/04/2024 17:48

Yabu to still be with him...
Yabu to believe your dd will miss him.

SuncreamAndIceCream · 21/04/2024 17:51

You don't have to sacrifice your own wellbeing for your children OP. That's a burden that you should never put on your children whether you think they realise it or not.

You don't know that leaving will affect your DD negatively in the long term. That's a guess, admittedly with your knowledge of her.

But your DH's attitude is appalling. He behaved abusively to you all for a long time and you are supposed to sweep it under the rug? No. I would suggest counselling for you OP. Hopefully that will make the path forward a bit clearer.

Original poster

Lostandunsure · 21/04/2024 17:54

She will definitely miss him. He does a lot for her and really is trying to support her MH. Any form of stress makes things worse for her.
I think counselling as @SuncreamAndIceCream says needs to be my way forward

OP posts:

JT69 · 21/04/2024 18:39

I was your DD and grew up in similar circumstances. My DM should have left with us but she chose not to and I resent her for it and for the psychological damage he was allowed to do. It all affects me even today in my 50s. . My DB had counselling to overcome his experiences. It must be so hard for you OP but lots of advice on here. Be brave x

BeenThere101 · 21/04/2024 19:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster

Lostandunsure · 21/04/2024 20:00

Thanks for all your replies, lots for me to reflect on. I probably need to explore counselling as I need someone to talk to, not always easy as never alone, always with DD

OP posts:

category12 · 21/04/2024 20:15

Has he even taken responsibility and showed remorse for the way he treated you all, though?

DH thinks I should have forgotten about his behaviour and said I should understand as he was unwell (at the time he denied this and would not see GP).

It sounds like he thinks being ill is a get out of jail free card for being abusive and underneath it all he was justified in it. It is not.

It sounds like he just wants to sweep it under the carpet and make out you're the one with the problem.

If he's not even regretful and has turned it around on you, then why would you expect yourself to forgive him? He's not even sorry.

Watchkeys · 21/04/2024 20:30

am I being unfair to DH

It's not about being fair. We're not obliged to be fair. If your daughter decided she didn't want to be with her boyfriend any more, even though he was lovely, would you tell her to stay with him, because it wasn't fair to break up with him? Or should she follow her heart and break up with him, even though it wouldn't be fair?

Original poster

Lostandunsure · 21/04/2024 20:30

I think he does not want to think about how he was then, as he does not like to think he could behave that way. He has a big thing about not being blamed for anything, not just in relation to our relationship but generally about anything. Even when something is clearly not his fault, his first reaction is to say "but it is not my fault' when it would never have occurred to me to think he could be at fault. Probably linked with low self esteem
I don't think he remembers it as being as bad as it felt for me at the time. Now it is no longer happening, I think I have more space to stand back and realise how much it has upset me and feel hugely sad about what happiness our marriage

OP posts:

category12 · 21/04/2024 20:38

Which means as far as he's concerned you're not allowed to have feelings about it.

He has all the feelings, there's no room for yours. You have to pretend he didn't harm your relationship, you and your children and it's all fine cos he's stopped now.

Of course that's not going to work - you're a human being not a robot.

And I'd argue not that much has changed, his volume's gone down but essentially he still rules the household with his moods.

Original poster

Lostandunsure · 21/04/2024 20:44

@category12 I think you have made a good point,there's no room for my feelings. I am generally quite a calm person and if I ever have moments when I am not, he struggles and gets upset with me, or ignores me, rather than being able to support me

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 21/04/2024 22:22

Lostandunsure · 21/04/2024 20:30

Look at how much of this is analysis of him and his feelings, and how much you write about how you feel.

rollonretirementfgs · 22/04/2024 04:16

Hmm, I think mental illness is so so hard. For everyone involved. But to a certain extent actions are chosen. He may have felt bad and frustrated with life but to shout and shout and you like that is a choice. I'm sick of hearing people want their bad actions erased from all existence because they were "ill" he needs to take responsibility for his very poor actions. Your Dd Is poorly too, but does she shout and lose her rag every night? I doubt it.

RememberTheTorch · 22/04/2024 04:33

JT69 · 21/04/2024 18:39

I agree. My father spent a lot of his time screaming his anxieties at us all. I'm more angry at my mother than him. She could have saved us from it but chose not to. Even when we asked her to take us away. I don't think my mother regrets it now as they are still together, but I can't forget that she allowed him to treat us that way and poison the home for so long. I vowed to never let it happen to my children.

Josette77 · 22/04/2024 05:32

I think you need to decide what you want your daughter to learn from you?

Would you want her to be in your situation one day? Would you want her to marry a dad like hers?

If not, show her that she doesn't have to stay somewhere that is making her ill, because this marriage is crushing your mental health too.

PineappleTime · 22/04/2024 05:39

Forget being fair to him, you're being unfair to yourself by still being there. And of course his abuse caused your DD's mental health issues. Unless it's due to a genetic condition, mental illness is always related to environment and experiences. Your DD grew up in a terrible, dysfunctional environment and now she is mentally unwell. Join the dots. He can still support her from another home. She might even choose to live with him. But you don't have to.

Eviebeans · 22/04/2024 05:45

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to “dwell on it” - you’re not making a positive choice to do that. It would be very difficult for your mind to brush away all those times when things were difficult when the children were young.
In fact his behaviour may have coloured very many childhood memories and not in a good way…

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 22/04/2024 05:49

He hasn't taken responsibility, he doesn't regret his actions and he hasn't asked for forgiveness. How can you have any chance of forgiving him then? He believes it should be forgotten, that the harm doesn't count because he couldn't help it. Which is bullshit. Yes he had a mental illness, but he was horrible and abusive to his family and never sought help to stop harming you all. That's on him. He made choices along the way, that's on him. Mental illness is not a get out of jail free card. Mental illness might explain the reason someone is acting a certain way, but it doesn't excuse the abusive behaviour. It's not good enough. HEs not good enough. You deserve a hell of a lot better than a man who thinks its ok to scream at his family and create an atmosphere where his partner and children are walking on eggshells. Decent people don't think that's ok. Decent people who love you consider your feelings and needs as well as their own.

I can't speak for your DD but mine is doing so much better mentally since I told her angry abusive Dad we were done and he moved out. She still can't cope with the slightest raised voices and is really afraid of yelling, but her mental health and her self confidence are much better.

ApathyMartha · 22/04/2024 07:47

@JT69 Totally agree. I grew up walking on eggshells and was in my forties when I started to deal with it in counselling. I was surprised at the anger and resentment I felt at my mum who stayed with him when I grew up thinking it was best to just amend our behaviour in order to not upset him.

Elephantsareace · 22/04/2024 07:59

Do you still love him? You don't mention this at all.

If you don't, leave
If you do, counselling could help you decide whether to stay or not, and work through your natural resentment. He doesn't sound particularly amazing to me though. Sometimes you can love someone and still shouldn't be with them. He's unwilling to do any work on your marriage?

Zanatdy · 22/04/2024 08:03

I’m sorry to say but it probably has caused her mental health issues. I grew up as that child and I’m 50 in a few years and still affected by it. Why didn’t you leave?

Arnia · 22/04/2024 09:28

Shouting for hours? Like a monologue of shouting while you sat there in silence? What was the content of the shouting? I'm wondering what DD was listening to being roared at her mother.

YANBU for being unable to forgive and forget - I do think you were unreasonable to stay and subject your children to his years of verbal abuse. I understand how hard it is to leave though so you do have my sympathy OP but you need to find your strength to leave. How old is your DD? Does she have a job or even plans to move her life forward?

Start making plans for you and her and a happier future. It may take you a while to leave but leave you should. Tentative steps: think about finances and housing, after that everything falls into place. Just have a think or a jot down of how you could make things work and see how you feel from there.

Life is precious and short and you've wasted enough time on a man who has shown you contempt and who has undoubtedly made his DD more fragile than she would have otherwise been.

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