Why can't I forgive and move forward?

[Lostandunsure]

Hi
Been married a long time, children are adults and only DD still living at home, as she developed mental health issues out of the blue a few years ago.
During their childhoods, DH was very difficult. Early years of marriage before children were really good, no arguments.
When children were small, we had ups and downs with DHs jobs due to redundancies, so he was under a lot of pressure. I put his behaviour down to this and worked hard to take the pressure of him ,as well as trying to find a place to live and support him to find a less stressful job. I hoped when things were settled, his behaviour would be better.
Fast forward to when he eventually had a less stressful job and I found a home where he said he wanted to live, nothing changed, if anything things were worse.
His behaviours were shouting at me if anything proved difficult or went wrong, or he was asked to do something. This shouting could happen if he was upset about something and I tried to help. The shouting could go on for hours, at times all night, even when I went in to comfort my DD who had her head under her pillow, he would follow me, still shouting. Our DSs generally ignored it, but sometimes eldest would knock on our door and ask us to be quiet. Nothing I said would make it stop.
About 10 years ago, he stopped the hours and nights of shouting. He still lost his temper if something happened he did not like or dealing with poor service at a call centre etc but it did not last as long. He would spend the hours after this anger miserable checking if I had calmed down now and asking did I like him!

A couple of years ago, when our DD became very unwell with her mental health DH finally went to GP and started antidepressants. They have transformed his temper, he is much calmer. The shouting has stopped but we still feel tense if he is finding something stressful waiting for his reaction.

However I can't find it in the myself to forget these difficult years, I am also dwelling on if the shouting could have been a cause of my DD's poor mental health. I resent my DH and have little respect for him. DH thinks I should have forgotten about his behaviour and said I should understand as he was unwell (at the time he denied this and would not see GP).
If I leave, it would have a devastating impact on my DDs mental health, which I can't risk, but I can't see my relationship with DH improving due to my resentment. DD is close to her Dad and he does a lot to support her.
How can I move forward and become happy in my marriage?
(Sorry it is so long)

Thanks for all your thoughts and replies. If he was still shouting I would definitely leave but it has stopped. He will say he is now working hard on his temper/moods and I am not giving him credit for this. As he is working on it, he feels I should therefore be able to move forward from the past and focus on all his good qualities. If it was not for DDs mental health issues, I may have been able to do so, but my resentment for what his behaviour could have done to her is a block for me.
At the time I did not focus enough on the impact on the children. They appeared happy and were well behaved, achieving well. I always hoped it would get better so I did not have to break up the family, but now it has, it feels too late.
When he shouted it was just a rant about how diificult things were, how everything was stacked against him despite him trying hard etc, but if I tried to say anything supportive or come up with any solutions, it just inflamed things, so would try to move away or just repeatedly asked him to stop shouting.
In DH's defence, he works hard, has always done anything to support the children, he now pulls his weight around the home and supports me to have interests/hobbies (which he didn't like me to do before). He says he loves me often, I don't think I do anymore as I can't get over the resentment I feel, but really dislike myself for feeling this way

He might have done the yelling but also chose not to protect the children from it.

Your DD might have had a genetic predisposition to mental health problems, especially since her father obviously has issues. I don't have mental health problems and my father used to yell much more damaging stuff than you've described.

I'm sorry if that seems harsh and maybe I'm projecting a bit.

Mental health is very complex though and unlikely to come down to just one factor. Your DD might have developed these problems even if her home life had been perfect and calm.

Some things are just unforgiveable.

I’d say you can’t forgive and forget because he hasn’t apologised or understood or acknowledged the effect his abusive behaviour had on you. It’s still all about him.

It's no wonder you’re feeling this way, I would honestly not try to suppress your perfectly normal reaction to being treated like this - that is a sure fire route to MH issues yourself. Can you look into what leaving him could look like? You may even find that having a completely calm home with no walking on eggshells is better for your daughter and she can still see her dad.

The fact it was down to depression doesn’t mean it wasn’t abusive or that he doesn’t still engage in abusive behaviours now even if the actual shouting has stopped.

Separating does not need to mean she has no relationship with him. What it will mean is she will finally have a home where she does not feel under constant threat. His behaviour may be better for now but the memories she has in her mind, and the impact those have on her, will remain.

Stop excusing him, stop trying to find excuses not to put your daughter's wellbeing first, and yours as well. That's all you are doing, trying to justify why you never did enough to protect her and why you might continue to do so.

As to him, he has spent years abusing and terrorising you. I don't give a shit if he is now temporarily better. Who he was is who he is and who he will revert back to at some point. If there was any chance of him permanently changing then he would be utterly ashamed of his prior behaviour, now that he allegedly has a clearer head, instead he expects you all to just forgive and forget. That says so much about him and none of it is good. The meds may be regulating the worst of his behaviour but he is and always will be a nasty, abusive, bullying POS.

Depression doesn't make a person abusive. Plenty of depressed people never abuse another human. The drive to control and dominate a partner is entirely separate to, and not caused by mental health issues.

Is your DH showing any of the behaviours on this list below that indicate he is changing? I agree with pp that he still sounds controlling and not actually all that sorry, so it's no wonder you don't feel forgiving of him. It is very ugly to expect someone to forgive without taking full accountability for your actions and making amends.

https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/

Also, very recent research is showing that coercive control (the pattern underlying abuse) affects children directly. Your daughter is certainly affected by her father's behaviour over the years, and probably still is by his current behaviour, even if you can't see it, as the dynamics can be difficult to pinpoint if you have also been gaslit by the abuser. You both deserve counselling and support. You can contact Women's Aid.

He says he loves me often, I don't think I do anymore as I can't get over the resentment I feel, but really dislike myself for feeling this way.

You're being really unkind and unfair to yourself, I think.

Did you grow up being expected to put everyone else's interests ahead of your won, (especially men's)? Don't you think you deserve to count?

Would you want your dd to recreate the relationship you have had with this man in future?

I do think that she would be better off out of this environment, because even if he has stopped the obvious behaviours, there's always going to be this sense of what he's capable of, that anxiety, that distrust.

And you know, sometimes there are consequences to behaviour - if he's slowly killed your love for him, that's no-one's fault but his own. It doesn't make you a bad person.

You're allowed to have feelings. You're allowed to run out of endurance. You're allowed not to be a robot. There's more to life than sacrificing yourself on the altar of some dude.

If you read that list @Janpoppy has linked to above, you can see he's not meeting some very basic requirements.

Oh my word - so eloquently put. My mum is still with him too but I think just refuses to acknowledge how awful our upbringing was. Today it’s classed as emotional abuse. My own children could not have had a more different upbringing.

Indeed. It’s exhausting walking on eggshells for years and years. As you say constantly amending our behaviour to compensate for his. I think I’m still hard wired “not to upset your dad “. This thread has been very enlightening. Much love to those who are still processing their experiences.

I would say you definitely need counselling for this. First on your own, then possibly together. You can't bury resentment as it will ruin your future too.

Your DH is an abusive man. And you are his apologist.

You really need to break that cycle for your DD to be able to recover from this trauma she's been exposed to. You've spent so long trying to convince everyone of his decency that you've also brainwashed yourself in the process. I think counselling on your own would be a massive step forwards for you and your DD.

The shouting has stopped but we still feel tense if he is finding something stressful waiting for his reaction

He has terrorised you all for years with his abusive screaming and you still walk on egg shells now. You always will. He can support your dd from a different address. I think your dd mh will improve dramatically once she doesn’t have to walk on eggshells round her abusive father.