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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why is it so complicated?

34 replies

Oddbananas · 21/04/2024 08:26

My adult children don't particularly like my partner, I have painted a very bleak picture of him . Unintended, I have just said things that I should have kept quiet about, however we're a close family and I turned to them instead of him.

Something which I cannot undo.

They said there are red flags and he can be hot headed never directed at them, he has come to live with me and I still have 2 kids at home. One likes him, one doesn't.

More recently I had a conversation with a police officer following asking for a disclosure, they took things I said be it 6-12 months ago (I was just telling them stuff in the past as they asked)
Usually things he's said in a heated argument, which we spoke about and moved on.

The next thing I know they're arresting him, I felt sick and thought he would never talk to me again, I truly love him and I want to be with him.

I didn't mean for him to be arrested, the police took this into their own hands and asked for a statement, which I declined.

He is now on pre charge bail with no contact for 3 months, I am not scared of him and I don't feel unsafe.

My oldest child who has her own family, thinks I'm blinkered by love and I understand she is looking out for me and her younger siblings but I want to reassure her that we are safe and try to move on together.

I'm not expecting to play happy families but just don't want her to be so angry with me for me choosing my own happiness over hers.
Currently seeing her once a week but I anticipate this will cease.

How do I address this situation?

OP posts:
Dotdashdottinghell · 21/04/2024 08:45

Clearly he's a wrong un, police don't arrest people for nothing generally. Put your kids first. They didn't ask to be dragged in to this shit show you've created.

thanKyouaIMee · 21/04/2024 08:48

You shouldn't have brought someone into your home who is "hot headed" (even if not directed towards them) - especially if you're needing to confide in your children about his "red flags".

Police don't arrest or place people on conditional bail for nothing, especially no contact conditional bail! Listen to your eldest.

MonsieurSpade · 21/04/2024 08:54

If your dp is on pre charge bail with no contact then definitely there are red flags.
Don't ignore them.

OfficeProbx · 21/04/2024 08:54

I think a big red flag is that you are blaming yourself for telling them anything in the first place. This is usually how abusers go on for so long as they separate their victims from their loved ones, which is going to happen. I would assume that your relationships with your children at home are also going to suffer if you take him back. You really do have to ask yourself why you are this determined to sacrifice your kids for this man. Why would they all be against you for no reason? Your daughter loves you and unless there is a huge backstory of her being intentionally horrible to you, doesn’t sound like she’s enjoying being brutally honest with you. Your children don’t generally go around trying to ruin their mothers lives for no reason I don’t think they are jealous or want you to be unhappy they are afraid for you.

You can’t reassure her, you will have to choose. And if you choose him you will probably lose your children. Are you really being honest with yourself? What are you going to gain from staying with this man? Are you afraid of being alone? I think use these 3 months to get some counselling and work out what is best for you and your children. He is a grown adult responsible for all his own actions and decisions - which sound serious.

Shiningout · 21/04/2024 08:57

In a normal loving relationship op you wouldn't needing to be involve the police about disclosures, and he wouldn't have been arrested. This is not normal!!! I honestly think your adult children are right, would you want them to be with someone who has a temper and that they had to contact the police about? Wake up!

EggChair · 21/04/2024 09:01

Your children are right. Ditch him.

Causewerethespecialtwo · 21/04/2024 09:22

“Why is it so complicated?”

IT’S NOT!

It’s very clear. He is a dangerous man. Your children are right. Stay away from him forever. Put your children first.

SamW98 · 21/04/2024 09:25

Your adult children are right and you are in denial. Why the fuck did you think it was acceptable to move an aggressive creep into your children’s home?

Put your children before an awful mam before you lose them.

You have adult children so you’re old enough to stop living in the Disney fantasy world in your head where you ‘truly love’ a hot headed (aka agressive) twat

BitOutOfPractice · 21/04/2024 09:28

So why has this lovely man of yours been arrested then op? For being “hot-headed”.

well done to your daughter. She sounds like she’s got her head screwed on.

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 21/04/2024 09:34

It's only complicated because you "love" an arsehole and want to be with him no matter what.

You complain to your children about him.
He is "hot-headed ".
There are res flags everywhere.
You felt the need to talk to the police about him.
Whatever you told the police was bad enough for him to be arrested and they took further action.

This is your happiness? Really?
Even if you don't think you deserve better(you definitely do), your younger kids do.

vidflex · 21/04/2024 09:35

Foster mom here. The majority of children I take care of come from situations like you've put yourself in. Mothers who don't or won't see the signs that someone's a danger to themselves and their children. Mothers who put their own feelings first, who put the man first, mothers who refuse to believe these men are a danger even though they get told in disclosure some horrendous previous crimes.

The damage done to these children is unforgivable. Imagine your mother who carried you, nursed you, loved you then putting the wants and needs of a virtual stranger before you. They grow up feeling not good enough. Nothing and no one any longer feels safe. They need to be able to trust you and to know they won't be let down. And I keep in touch with a lot of my teens and the majority disown their mother as adults.

This isn't a complicated situation. It's simple. You put your children first and you have nothing more to do with this man.

DrJoanAllenby · 21/04/2024 09:39

He's so lovely that you felt the need to tell your children about his awful behaviour and then take it further and discuss with the police who agreed he is so awful that they've arrested him?!

Is that right?

Now you are whinging how lovely he is and you want him back?

Pick your dignity and self esteem up o he floor and forget about him and work on making yourself a better person and mother before embarking on another hapless relationship with a loser.

GreyCarpet · 21/04/2024 09:41

Why did you involve the police if you had no intention of taking on board anything they said?

Your daughter and pps are right.

Namechange666 · 21/04/2024 09:41

No cock is worth your children.

Heed my words, if you pick this man over your children after all of this, you will lose them.

Don't be stupid. Oh but I love him trope. You will find someone else who isn't an arsehole. One that the police clearly felt was enough to arrest him.

Read back at your post. You are clearly trying to downplay it whilst your children have the gist of it. You will get over it in time. Your children will not get over you picking him.

Linearforeignbody · 21/04/2024 09:41

You address the situation by finishing the relationship.
The police are clearly very concerned.

noshadowatnoon · 21/04/2024 09:43

It isn't complicated, you end this now. You have children living in the house with this man, one of whom you say really doesn't like him? And his behaviour is such that he has been arrested and on no contact for 3 months?

This is why action against him does not depend on a statement from you. You are not being rational about this at all

Howbizarre22 · 21/04/2024 09:45

You are in massive massive denial. He’s a dangerous man & somehow you are ignoring every single red flag wafting up
your nose. WAKE UP!!!

SamW98 · 21/04/2024 09:47

Every day on MN another thread where someone puts dick before their kids

theworldie · 21/04/2024 09:48

Wow - your post almost sounds like a parody/satire.

If this is true you are being unbelievably selfish and very, very stupid. Get him out of your home and away from your children.

newyearsresolurion · 21/04/2024 09:58

Ditch him OMG

PineappleTime · 21/04/2024 10:02

You need to grow up and acknowledge that your kids have better judgement than you do. You've brought a domestic abuser into their home. Time to let him go.

FinallyHere · 21/04/2024 10:17

Yeah, doesn't seem too complicated to me, unless you feel you know what the answer is and you don't like that answer.

Please, give yourself a break. Take a moment and read your opening post as if it were your child, sibling or friend writing it.

How would you respond to them?

Thorfire · 21/04/2024 10:20

i felt sick and thought he would never talk to me again

is this really your priority????
listen to your kids
Your minimising whatever the police arrested him for

Angelsrose · 21/04/2024 10:24

With respect, dump him. When heated arguments and police get involved, it's time to move on. It does sound as if you are blinded by love and your daughter can see the situation more clearly than you can. Don't put your family through anymore unnecessary upset.

FakeMiddleton · 21/04/2024 10:30

Jesus H Christ. What did I just read.

  1. Stop making your children parentify you
  2. People don't get arrested for nothing
  3. You aren't safe..that's why he's not been released without charge or pending further
  4. You put a man your kids don't like in their own home
  5. Your DD isn't angry you put your happiness over hers; you put your happiness over ALL of your children's

It's not that complicated. You are choosing this shitshow.

Grow up.