Why is it so complicated?

[Oddbananas]

My adult children don't particularly like my partner, I have painted a very bleak picture of him . Unintended, I have just said things that I should have kept quiet about, however we're a close family and I turned to them instead of him.

Something which I cannot undo.

They said there are red flags and he can be hot headed never directed at them, he has come to live with me and I still have 2 kids at home. One likes him, one doesn't.

More recently I had a conversation with a police officer following asking for a disclosure, they took things I said be it 6-12 months ago (I was just telling them stuff in the past as they asked)
Usually things he's said in a heated argument, which we spoke about and moved on.

The next thing I know they're arresting him, I felt sick and thought he would never talk to me again, I truly love him and I want to be with him.

I didn't mean for him to be arrested, the police took this into their own hands and asked for a statement, which I declined.

He is now on pre charge bail with no contact for 3 months, I am not scared of him and I don't feel unsafe.

My oldest child who has her own family, thinks I'm blinkered by love and I understand she is looking out for me and her younger siblings but I want to reassure her that we are safe and try to move on together.

I'm not expecting to play happy families but just don't want her to be so angry with me for me choosing my own happiness over hers.
Currently seeing her once a week but I anticipate this will cease.

How do I address this situation?

You are also likely to be confusing love with codependency and see what is really abusive behaviour towards you as he being somehow attentive. Are you still trying to find the "good" in him and hoping that he will change?. Being a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship never works.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar behaviour between your parents?.

Imagine this was one of your children and their partner...what would you think/advise them?

I'm not expecting to play happy families but just don't want her to be so angry with me for me choosing my own happiness over hers.
thats clearly not what’s happening.
You’ve confided in your children that you’re being abused, theyve been forced into a parental role to protect you and their younger siblings.
now you’re blaming them and implying they’re selfish and are trying to put their happiness ahead of yours.

The police don't get involved in healthy loving relationships. They certainly don't arrest people for nothing either. I'd listen to your DC, most likely they have your best interests at heart and are concerned by the fact you keep minimising this man's behaviour. Describing him as hot headed is concerning.

I don't fully understand the post as you haven't wanted to give full details. Fine.

But please be honest and clear headed about what's happened with yourself if not here. It isn't an arrestable or changeable offence to be hot headed, is it?

He has broken the law either whilst living with you and your children or whilst you were aware and you have since brought him into your home. Regardless of how much you like him, can't you see the risks of that?

Try to remove the emotion and just see the facts then you will understand your older childrens' concerns.

People who have poor anger management and violence issues do not have strong boundaries in terms of who they apply their behaviour to. There is not a watertight seal around your children just because it has all been aimed at you/others so far.

Even if he never touches or addresses a bad word to them, is this what you want them to learn about relationships? Come on.

Why did you need to contact the police?

Unintended, I have just said things that I should have kept quiet about, however we're a close family and I turned to them instead of him

Compatible relationships don't include things you should 'keep quiet' that might turn your children against your partner. They also don't include turning to your children rather than your partner.

It's not complicated. You're choosing to stay in a situation you find hard. What would you say to me if I moved into a nightclub and then said 'Why is it so hard to get a nice quiet early night?'

Tbh police WILL arrest now on any sniff of domestic abuse. Even just a neighbour saying they heard "A say to B to f*k off or they make them f*k off" will cause them to lock A up, then bail them pending investigations.
Police have been told to take a hard stance. So instead of the old, making kne eprosn leave and see if the victim gives a statement, its lock them up, bail rhem and then see.