Anxious and avoidant attachment styles

[CM97]

So following on from another thread about avoidant attachment styles, my attachment style is definitely anxious. This is something I am working on but just interested whether this will ever be compatible with an avoidant style?

It depends on how avoidant they are, if they're also working on themselves to become more secure, and how much work you're doing

Well my ex is avoidant and it drove me almost to insanity as I am the opposite. I have been working on it and getting therapy but I know for a fact if I met anothr avoidant I would be the one avoiding him! It cannot work IMO.

absolutely the best thing you can do is work to move your style towards secure. Failing that, try to meet a partner with a secure style, but there aren’t many of them out there. I read an interesting article somewhere that in an anxious/avoidant relationship, it’s the anxious partner that has the best chance of doing the work to make things work… the avoidant will, we’ll, avoid the problem 🤷

Id be interested to read that if you can remember where it was..

I'm very sceptical about this kind of cod-psychology being treated like it's rigorous science that's applicable to every situation but the two things I always think are that 1) people who describe themselves as having anxious attachment sound absolutely exhausting to be in a relationship with, 2) frequently they'll say they're dating someone who is avoidant and I'm like... why. If you believe in attachment styles is that not a gigantic neon sign that you're incompatible with that guy. Why are you doing it to yourself.

On your final question. If you wanna go full cod psychology...

Attachment theory would suggest that anxious attachment patterns arise from inconsistent early caregiving.
Whereas, people with avoidant attachment patterns are typically highly consistent and predictable in their relational behaviours.
Go figure!

@AllSoComplicated here’s the link
https://www.alturtle.com/archives/100

Best thing I ever did to heal my attachment style was pick a partner who had a secure AS. If you're interested in this stuff OP I would recommend the book Attached or Thais Gibson on youtube

Be careful with this 'attachment style' lark. So many people use 'oh he's just avoidant attachment' to excuse shitty men.

Personally I'd say it's pop psychology at best. But if you believe in it, look to date someone who is securely attached surely. Especially if you know you yourself have...struggles. Everyone should look to resolve their shit before dating tbh.

As for that stuff that maybe needs to be worked through with a partner...it should be done with a partner who is emotionally healthy and doesn't struggle with relationships.

Neurotic shouldn't date neurotic. And no one should date people who are apathetic.

Sorry I don't buy any of this ..

He's just not into you.

I have a very good friend who is unbelievably needy .. she went out with a man who was just - 'normal' not 'avoidant' just hated having to reassure the whole time - but really kind and felt bad to end a relationship with someone so needy as worried about their MH if he left her .. eventually he did. When she put a tracker on his car 🙄.. (just to reassure herself that he was being honest about his movements.. ) he was - but it was a step too far and ended it.

He married a less needy woman a couple of years later .

My friend interpreted this as him not being able to commit to her because of childhood trauma and lack of parental bond .. I interpreted it as he found someone who was much less hard work. He wasn't 'avoidant ' just didn't want to atta h himself to someone who questioned everything he did and where he went and why.. exhausting.

Hmmmm. I think when you're at the point of researching attachment styles it's not a good sign.

I say that as someone who diagnosed my ex as avoidant and myself as anxious. With a bit of time and distance I'd say he was just a bog standard, non-committal, wants to have his cake and eat it man. Instead of walking away I stayed, let his behaviour continue and worked myself up into being a gaslight, anxious mess looking for answers from google.

Everyone should look to resolve their shit before dating tbh.

This.

Truly anxiously attached and avoidant people are a really unfortunate combination. It works at the start then they are much more likely to trigger eachother and exacerbate each others difficulties. Usually with he negative impact on the anxiously attached person who either loses it and gets dumped or learns to accept scraps. However a pretty high proportion of the population have an insecure attachment style so this doesn't explain lots of long term relationships. Its just one aspect. Also attachment theory is very old now and was developed post war with funding aimed at keeping women in the home so is really only any use when you have a full and modern understanding. As other posters have mentioned it's also quite possible that you are just with someone who isn't that into you or poorly behaved as I don't imagine anyone has actually assessed your attachment style. The best recipe for success is people who are willing to do the work around their difficulties. I used to have an anxious attachment style and have avoidant partners. Now I've done a lot of work on myself I have a partner who has an anxious attachment style but it's fine because I'm usually quite secure and can empathise with her struggles. Were mostly happy and a good match. Occasionally I react a bit avoidant

If I were to label myself, I'd be avoidant. I could not be with someone with anxious attachment. I would be seen as unkind or cold, when actually I'm neither, but I'm not good at hair stroking and lots of deep conversations and reassurance.

I agree with @littleburn it's easy to say someone is avoidant but actually they are a commitment phone, or one of those blokes that love bombs and backs away.
I went out with "an avoidant " who basically just wanted a casual relationship but frankly didn't want to say it out loud. I remember him describing our relationship as serious and committed and I followed it by asking why I'm 7 months had I met no family members nor his best friends.... some men just use labels to mess you around and behave like a dick. No he's not avoidant as though he has no choice, he can work on him self but doesn't because he can attract lots of lovely women and have them try and change themselves...

Well maybe but you need the experience to be able to reflect and grow and understand yourself. And sometimes relationships surprise you. You think you're ready and you're not. Or you are not looking for anyone and someone comes into your life.

Relationships are messy. We can't control other people's motivations or actions. We can only respond.

agree with this

read ‘attached’

avoid the avoidants like the plague : they are rarely motivated to change and will trigger your anxiety (speaking from experience as well as theory)

work on becoming more ‘securely attached’ yourself (therapy/self help/close relationship with reliable friends etc)

try to find a securely attached partner -which isn’t easy as they tend to be on long term relationships… so look for an appropriate history of long term relationships, someone who doesn’t push you away, and is consistent

The book Attached, by which author please?
Or see Thai Gibson on YT.
Thanks

@easilydistracted1 what work did you do to change your attachment style? I'm anxiously attached to an avoidant and it's triggered my anxiety beyond belief.

I'd argue it's not you needing to change your attachment style, it's needing to change your partner.

Really, what is 'avoidant'? It's not being there for you, not supporting you, blowing hot and cold, not committing but having you there as a convenience. It's just shitty behaviour. Your anxiety is a reaction to being treated shittily.

⬆️ I agree with the PP 100%

I was in a ‘relationship’ with an avoidant person for years: it was terrible for my mental health

Now, a few months into a relationship with a secure person life is very different! I’d suggest you get rid of this avoidant partner & find someone who is a better fit

@littleburn @ToastforTea I agree as well. Somehow the labelling makes it appear that it's not their (the avoidant's fault, that they have no responsibility for their shitty non committal, unreliable behaviour and the person they lured into a relationship is the one who has to be happy with their casual bread crumbs.

@Ohwellithappens : I agree 100%

ex was well aware he was treating me poorly: in the end, it was HIS responsibility to take steps to create enough emotional
health to be able to have a decent relationship (eg go to therapy), not my job to be happy with very little

Doesn't it all depend on whether you are compatible as people and in what you want from a relationship, rather than some arbitrarily and simplistically defined 'types'?

My last exDP would probably have described me as avoidant by the end of our five year relationship, but I just think of myself as an introvert (needing time and space to myself to recharge) and an independently minded person, so his need for constant company and interdependence felt clingy and suffocating to me.

The more clingy he got, the more I felt like running away and screaming - I didn't do that, but probably became more detached and distant, from his perspective. It was a vicious circle, and eventually I ended the relationship.

My relationship before that (happily together for 18 years until he died) and my current relationship (four years and going fine) did/do not fit that pattern at all, and would probably be defined as securely attached, if you want to use those terms. I would just say some people are not compatible.

@exexpat : if you managed to sustain a relationship of 18 years you are probably not avoidant!

There is a big difference between liking space/needing alone time to recharge & the deep seated psychological issues that truly avoidant people have which cause them to push others away in a toxic way