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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

OLD help

40 replies

Carsarelife · 20/04/2024 20:21

Help. I've been chatting to Someone on OLD for more than 2 weeks. Daily, hundreds of messages. I don't know his surname.
The last message he sent was telling me he has massive feelings for me and cannot wait to meet. We were messaging via WhatsApp. He was at the pub watching football last weekend and he hasn't sent any more messages since. I'm absolutely gutted, the messages aren't being received, he hasn't sent me any and I've tried to call the number but it says "calls to this number cannot be connected"
I'm absolutely gutted and am thinking he's lost his phone or had it stolen. I can't stop thinking about him. I'd rather he blocked me than endure this

OP posts:
carlajk · 20/04/2024 20:44

The last message he sent was telling me he has massive feelings for me and cannot wait to meet

That would ring alarm bells. He can't possibly have massive feelings for someone he has never met and only messaged for a couple of weeks.

kinkyredboots · 20/04/2024 20:52

Daily, hundreds of messages.

another red flag. 🚩 anyone that keen would want to avoid pen pal territory. He has not lost his phone (or he has a second one he hides from his wife which is now switched off). Suspect he has several of you on the go & he has moved on.

sorry, this is harsh but probably true. Try to let it go.

Pinkbonbon · 20/04/2024 20:59

You're being love bombed.

It's not real. Sorry.

Usually love bombers are abusers trying to hook you fast. To rush rapport building.

Think about it op, this guy is a total stranger. You've never met him. Nor he, you. Anyone talking about fucking feelings at this point us a con artist.

Delete and block. Don't meet him. He's a nutter.
And read up on love bombing and other abuser red flags because its really scary that you've entertained this stalker like messaging.

I don't care if he's hot.
He's a creepy bastard.

Carsarelife · 20/04/2024 21:00

This is what I need to hear as painful as it is. He deleted himself off the site to "concentrate on us"
Before this happened everything was great. We did FaceTime etc
He said he'd been single for a year after being cheated on. Perhaps it's me and I'm not good at spotting red flags

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 20/04/2024 21:07

Carsarelife · 20/04/2024 21:00

This is what I need to hear as painful as it is. He deleted himself off the site to "concentrate on us"
Before this happened everything was great. We did FaceTime etc
He said he'd been single for a year after being cheated on. Perhaps it's me and I'm not good at spotting red flags

...red flags...or neon fucking red flashing lights...with bells...and a sign saying 'I'm a walking red flag" apparently.

Sorry.

Anyone talkng about concentrating on US when you've never met - red flag.

Anyone oversharing about their ex cheating when you've never even met them, probably a red flag too.

Hundreds of messages (let alone daily) before meeting, red flag.

'Feelings' chat before.even.meeting...say it with me here - red flag!

But, we live and learn. Now you know. I know it sucks but it would be a fuck ton worse if you'd dated this headcase and he played you till you fell in love before blowing cold.

And the reason he's vanished? Either his partners caught him messaging...or he's temporarily blowing cold to come back with a shit excuse. To see if you'll accept it and ket him continue mind fucking you. Then he knows you're an easy target for abuse.

Block him on everything. And read up on dating red flags, lots, for a good few months before dating again.

SamW98 · 20/04/2024 21:31

Pinkbonbon · 20/04/2024 21:07

...red flags...or neon fucking red flashing lights...with bells...and a sign saying 'I'm a walking red flag" apparently.

Sorry.

Anyone talkng about concentrating on US when you've never met - red flag.

Anyone oversharing about their ex cheating when you've never even met them, probably a red flag too.

Hundreds of messages (let alone daily) before meeting, red flag.

'Feelings' chat before.even.meeting...say it with me here - red flag!

But, we live and learn. Now you know. I know it sucks but it would be a fuck ton worse if you'd dated this headcase and he played you till you fell in love before blowing cold.

And the reason he's vanished? Either his partners caught him messaging...or he's temporarily blowing cold to come back with a shit excuse. To see if you'll accept it and ket him continue mind fucking you. Then he knows you're an easy target for abuse.

Block him on everything. And read up on dating red flags, lots, for a good few months before dating again.

This with bells on. Hes a waving more red flags than the Chinese Army at a Communist party rally in Beijing.

Anyone talking the OTT crap about having feelings after bombarding you with messages for 2 weeks is a lovebombing twat.

Carsarelife · 20/04/2024 21:45

I must be super naive. It was very intense I admit but I just thought he was keen and I was what he was looking for I guess.
Something feels off about it. The messages I sent and he read all had 2 blue ticks meaning read. The last message I sent was on 2 grey ticks which means delivered but not read, then few after they were one grey tick. I mean he was gorgeous so I was punching anyway

OP posts:
samestyle · 20/04/2024 21:57

anyone telling you they have feelings for you before you meet are living in fantasy land, attention seeking, dating apps are rife with men already in relationships, maybe that's why he's disappeared. You've not missed out, no one decent ghosts like he did and you've avoided a man that sounds like he's always going to be at the pub watching football.
Most strangers you meet for the first date are a huge disappointment anyway, however much you feel connected before the first meet.

Pinkbonbon · 21/04/2024 01:06

Had a feeling he was probably a looker.

Think of it this way op, do you think it's OK to tie someone you've never met to their phone 24/7? From good morning texts to questions about their exs? Probably not...(at least, not without them being the one to set that boundry-lacking standard to begin with and make you feel they're OK with it so you should be too).

Most people have a life, they don't need to be messaging someone hundreds of times a day.
Chances are you were so flattered this 'hot' guy was paying you attention that you overlooked the inconvenience of it. Found yourself forgetting to drink that cup of tea you made. Missing the end of your tv program. Running late for work.

Normal people consider that you have a life outwith them. Narcissists however, want your attention on them 24/7. So they love bomb. They tell you they have feelings for you...not because they do, but because they want YOU to have feelings for them -- because that feeds their EGO. And, makes you easier to con/abuse.

They say things to make you feel they are safe people you can trust. To get you to lower your guard. Flattery and sweetness. But it's all to lure you into a false sense of security. And to get you to ignore them trampling over reasonable boundaries.

If it had been a mate messaging you hundreds of times a day, you would likely have told them to knock it off. Because its not respectful. But you excused him because he drew you into his Web, like a spider.

You've had a very lucky escape. It could have been much worse.

Also... bare in mind you can use Google reverse images search on mens profile pictures... just incase he's an ACTUAL con artist. It might bring stuff up on him.

Catlord · 21/04/2024 07:29

Timewaster. No idea why. Doesn't matter why. Many will say'married' which can be true but there are plenty who just like having a virtual 'girlfriend' for the attention and company and say extravagant things with no intention of meeting.

It's a learning curve. Spend no more than a week chatting before confirming a date. Have one phone or video call to see you can hold a conversation together and each are who you say you are. No more. Nothing is real until in person so don't invest time or emotion until you have met and they've shown an interest.

Block his number, he's blocked yours but may come back. You don't want any part of his silliness. Keen, genuine, straightforward are what you're looking for

category12 · 21/04/2024 07:40

"I've been chatting to Someone on OLD for more than 2 weeks. Daily, hundreds of messages. I don't know his surname."

Oh op, you've been suckered. You haven't even met. He was hard-selling you a fantasy.

He will likely get in touch again with some bullshit excuse for ghosting you. Something like he got frightened by the strength of his feelings or someone died or he couldn't afford his phone. Don't fall for it. It's just softening you up for even shitter behaviour.

LoveSandbanks · 21/04/2024 08:11

Hs going to come back with a long winded story about how his phone was broken and an accident and ask for money!

Carsarelife · 21/04/2024 08:17

@LoveSandbanks I did think about this.
I def wouldn't be sending him any money.

He sent me around 7/8 pictures of himself and I did think it may not even be real any of it. He could have took the pictures off the internet himself.

We were texting late at night and he lives 2 hours away and said "that's it I'm driving down I'm leaving now as so desperate to see you" but I said no as it was 1am

Just got totally sucked in by him

OP posts:
Carsarelife · 21/04/2024 08:18

@Pinkbonbon I know everything you're saying is correct. I'm going to try and see if I can do reverse Google image. I'm not great with technical stuff but will give it a try

OP posts:
Carsarelife · 21/04/2024 08:22

I did meet someone else on OLD 10 ish years ago. Wasn't loads of texts, just 5-6 per day for about a week. No phone call either. I took a massive chance in going to meet him. He didn't try to murder me luckily, but wasn't relationship material. I do still see him now as a FWB quite happily. I'm at the stage where I want to try and meet a forever partner

OP posts:
LeaveTheClocksAlone · 21/04/2024 08:27

He's blocked you by the sounds of it

Carsarelife · 21/04/2024 08:28

@LeaveTheClocksAlone I don't think so.
I used to work phone to call aswell plus my daughters phone and none of them worked

OP posts:
WickWood · 21/04/2024 09:23

Can you still see his WhatsApp photo?

Carsarelife · 21/04/2024 09:28

@WickWood he didn't have a WhatsApp pic in the first place. Mind you I have other friends that don't have one so didn't think too much about it.

OP posts:
WickWood · 21/04/2024 09:33

It does sound as though he's blocked you if the messages are only going through with one tick, sorry!

LeaveTheClocksAlone · 21/04/2024 09:37

Carsarelife · 21/04/2024 08:28

@LeaveTheClocksAlone I don't think so.
I used to work phone to call aswell plus my daughters phone and none of them worked

OP kindly you're coming across as a bit Reindeer Baby. Calling someone you've never met on multiple phone numbers is madness. Just move on

littlebopeepp234 · 21/04/2024 09:39

WickWood · 21/04/2024 09:33

It does sound as though he's blocked you if the messages are only going through with one tick, sorry!

I agree. Op don’t pin hope on this guy, he is a massive walking red flag and my first thought is that he has blocked you on everything! He’s probably married or has a gf and been caught chatting to you hence the reason for the random loss of contact. Either that or he’s either not who he really says he is or he was just playing a game and was never serious about dating.

SamW98 · 21/04/2024 09:49

He probably has a burner phone that he uses so his wife doesn’t find out and he’s removed the SIM

He’s telling you loud and clear OP - find your self respect and forget this love bombing liar.

Carsarelife · 21/04/2024 10:22

@LeaveTheClocksAlone oh I'm definitely a bit reindeer baby

OP posts:
BeenThere101 · 21/04/2024 10:28

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