Can someone help me identify what is wrong here?

[KhakiBear]

I feel really embarrassed and guilty to be posting here about this but I feel like I'm going out of my mind, I can't talk to anyone in real life out of loyalty to my DP but since we got together the relationship has been a rollercoaster and I need to make some sense out of what I am feeling.

This might be a long post so apologies in advance but thank you to anyone who can help...

The start of the relationship was incredible, I felt like I had met my soulmate. We have a lot in common and he treated me so good, we spent all our time together, had deep conversations about everything and I really felt I could trust this person. He told me he struggled to trust women after his past relationships ending badly and felt he could open up to me easy. He sent me flowers, took me on trips and made me feel so loved. I think that was the best I'd ever felt in my life as I just felt so wanted and loved, nobody had ever made me feel like that before.

A few months into the relationship things started to feel.. different but I overlooked them at the time. There were a few incidents involving what I just thought was insecurity and ignored this.

Since then there have been some issues that I can't seem to get over and I feel like I'm going crazy or that I'm the problem.

• If I didn't text back quickly whilst out with family or friends I would be accused of ignoring him

• Checking my location on Snapchat, screenshotting this and trying to trick me in conversation to see if I'd lied about where I'd been (I told the truth...)

• Accusing me of having people/someone round whilst he was at work if I'd tidied up whilst he was getting ready to go to work

• Telling me I am being hard work because he wanted to order a takeaway when I wasn't hungry despite me telling him to order one without me

• Getting in a mood with me when I was talking about an event at work that was away because I "obviously wanted to be away" from him even though I didn't volunteer or say anything to suggest I wanted to go

• If I ever raise an issue (like any of the above for example) he will say I've fabricated this to cause an argument or I am triggering him on purpose to get a reaction

• I was upset and scared about something (not relationship related) and he said there's always something wrong with me and he doesn't have any capacity to deal with my problems because he was stressed too and you feel you can't talk to me about things even though I ask you every day how you're feeling and I've never once told him that I don't have capacity or can't help him with anything you're struggling

• When I have expressed my feelings about him being hurtful or controlling, he says I'm painting a picture of him in my head that isn't true and I'd get a surprise if I was in a relationship with someone who was actually not very nice

There are more things of course but I am starting to feel like I'm the problem, it's always very hot and cold and I feel like I can't do anything right.

Please be kind I am feeling quite vulnerable. Thank you...

Unfortunately you are being gaslit. Love bombing start then the obsessive and controlling behaviour. I've been married to a man like this and it got worse and worse, eventually was dangerous and violent and very abusive. The most charming guy I'd ever met.

As the other respondents have written you were lovebombed initially along with being mirrored (ie he actively mirrored your own behaviour and words). Do not feel stupid, you were taken in by a master manipulator who targeted you to abuse. The real him was an act and one that he was never going to be able to maintain. You are seeing the real him now.

What is the situation re the finances and property?. How tied are you to him in these areas?.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. There is really no other option here but for you to leave because he will continue to ramp up the power and control against you here. Abuse like this too takes a long time, perhaps years even, to recover from. This is also where the Freedom Programme comes in and I would urge you to do this going forward.

Does anyone have any advice for me to disengage?

That's the right question @KhakiBear. Try to focus on disengaging rather than understanding the FOG (i.e "fear, obligation and guilt" try the outofthefog.net website for some more info on that).

All you need to know is that everything you've described is abusive. You no longer need to analyse it.

My advice would be that you disengage as boringly and undramatically as possible so he doesn't launch another love bomb to reel you back in through self-doubt.

Look at your options of where to move to without telling him, all the while being as quietly boring to him as possible. Nothing he'll notice but just keep it neutral.
Grey rock technique is the best way to disengage without drama.

Get a good friend or friends onboard so that when you do leave you're not alone.

You'll feel so much better when you're out of this.

Get yourself out my love. Been there, done that. It only gets worse

Keep yourself safe.

This was literally going to be my answer.

It will get worse, he's a controlling bully. Get out while you can x

Sadly this will get worse and therapy etc won’t ‘cure’ him. I did some research on this for a family member and all the professional advice was RUN. It may be difficult and it may feel easier to continue but it will get worse and worse and you’ll become a different person who is always waiting for the next lot of emotional abuse. You deserve better.

Abusive man. Starts off love bombing, amazing connection etc. Then the minor flags start. But there's lots of the good stuff too. Then the red flags start and the nice bits have got less too. - controlling, deflecting, making you the problem. .

If you try to end it he will switch tactics and be lovely, he will promise to change and you will get a glimpse of those early days again. Don't fall for it, it doesn't last.

No, you are not.

You can now see why his previous relationships ended.

So should this one.

You are in a relationship with an abusive controlling manipulative man. He knows exactly what he is doing, it's not something he's doing unconsciously. It's not because he's insecure or has been treated badly by women in the past. This is all part of his manipulation. Please end the relationship and leave or tell him to leave if he's moved into your home. Get family and friends on board to back you up and support you to get him out if necessary. If you're at all worried for your safety, call the police immediately. Good luck OP 💐 you do not deserve to be treated like this, you can and will be happy again, without him.

Nah. He's the problem. Send him back for a refund.

Don't be me - please please don't be me. I ignored all the warning signs. Every one of your bullet points I can't relate too. Literally every single one of them. I used to have to FaceTime him to prove I didn't have another man with me.

He had 2 kids previous to me and the whole thing was just extremely toxic. I had a child with him also.

I've called the police over him 4 times. He destroyed my mental health. It's taken so much work. I was completely trapped for a long time. I am healing but it's certainly healing I wish I never had to do.

Meanwhile he. Has a new supply straight away and she's now pregnant with his 4th child. 4 mothers to 4 kids. These people don't change ever.

Please don't be me.

He is controlling and messing with your head. That love bombing at the beginning was to draw you in. If he feels you are withdrawing from him he will either love you again or lash out.

Do you rent somewhere together? Do you have shared bank accounts? Do you have anyone you can go to?

Just get rid of him. He sounds awful.

This is it in a nutshell.
No you are not toxic. Ask yourself seriously if you would think anything you said or did was toxic if someone else did it. He’s messed up your thinking.
Flowers and taking you on trips is not love, it’s attention.
Please get out and save yourself.

It feels so good when he's nice again because it's the dopamine hit. When you're away from him, you'll get over it. Here's an article about it:

https://www.kierstenhathcock.com/blog/addiction-biochemical-bonds-of-narcissistic-abuse

I'll confirm what everyone else is saying. He's toxic, controlling, gaslighting, manipulative, and abusive.

It's very easy to see from the outside, but it can feel like getting out of a spider's web with a smoke machine blasting on it from the inside.

I know it's tempting to wonder what the real him is or whether he's aware of what he's doing. But it's dangerous thinking trying to solve the mystery of him. It's very useful to read up on abuse so you can recognise it, but don't convince yourself that you have the power to change or understand a very fucked up human being.

In all likelihood, he simply feels entitled to behave the way he does and is allergic to any sense of responsibility for his actions.

My advice for disengaging is to stop arguing with him. I know it's challenging when someone is baiting you, but all your attempts to make him see sense are completely pointless and will only heighten your levels of stress, which then makes the calm, loving periods even more tempting to indulge in because it's such a relief. Bear in mind that love bombing is all part of the abuse - probably even the worst part because that's what is keeping you in the trap, ultimately.

You have your truth. You have everyone here to back you up whenever you need a reality check. So start putting his thoughts and ideas in the fuck it bucket. Imagine he's an angry child who is convinced that grass is orange. Don't even humour him with trying to see his point of view. Remember that grass is still green no matter how much anyone thinks otherwise. His twisted mind needs no credence whatsoever.

It's also dangerous to accuse an abuser of being one. They'll go on the attack, which could mean violence even if you think he's the least likely to be so.

I recommend working towards a way you can cut him out completely and suddenly. Then block him on everything so he can't ever contact you again. If you need a game plan, Women's Aid can help you come up with a strategy.

I know this is a lot to take in at once. Don't beat yourself up if it's too much right now. But don't stop trying to extricate yourself, no matter how gradually you need to do it.

I've just read this and I can't believe how much resonates with me. Including the sex part I am ashamed to say. Thanks for sharing that!

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who took the time to respond, I have read every reply but I am feeling really overwhelmed. I am going to start building myself back up from the inside and try detach for now

He, that is what is wrong, they way his mind operates. Insecure, controlling, etc...etc.

Nope.

He's text book.

These guys don't change, in my experience.

I had one of these and in spite of several serious conversations and ultimatums (resulting in a few breaks from the behaviour) .. he was still at it 13 months later.
(It took him about 3 months to start showing it and I too thought he was a soul mate/wonderful before that).

I'd cut your losses and move on.

I'm sorry, this can be v painful, disallusioning and hard (when you thought you had a great relationship and partner) ... but he's fucked in the head and this type doesn't change.

You've done very well to recognise it and post here.

You have got yourself a classic narcissist.

Love bombed you and is gradually controlling and gaslighting you.

Run away now. Do not look back.