Who is in the wrong?

[southfork87]

My husband says that I'm always rushing him and that I plan things too much. On the opposite side of that, I think that he does everything far too slowly and he's unorganised which drives me crazy.

As an example, today we had to take our toddler to ballet, go to the bank, visit a friend to drop off a birthday present and go to see the solicitor, all before 2pm. Bear in mind, we'd also need to fit in lunch and a nap for our toddler in that time too. In the morning, I tried to make a plan so that we'd get through it without being late for anything with as little stress as possible. He replied, as always, it's fine we'll sort it, let's just see how the day goes, relax! 😒 trying to make out like me wanting to have a plan was simply psychotic.
I said fine, let's see how the day goes when I plan absolutely nothing and we follow your 'schedule'.
We were late for the bank, he forgot the toddler's ballet shoes (which he said he'd pack), she only had toast for lunch, and she fell asleep in the car because we'd left it too late to get her home into the cot. Because she only had a short ten minute dose rather than her 2 hour nap, she is now hysterical. Yet when I bring up the fact that this is all down to lack of planning, he's still behaving like I'm neurotic and controlling for wanting to plan the day.
It's every weekend and tbh I feel a bit gaslighted. Because I can be a bit sensitive, I don't know if I'm overreacting, but it is really starting to get me down.

That's far too many things to pack into a day

You know he is like this, so trying to squeeze all that lot into such a small timeframe was always going to go wrong, wasn't it?

I'd have left the birthday present until later. That wasn't time-sensitive.

Why did you both need to do all those things? Could he not take the child to ballet while you go to the bank and to see your friend for example? In our house we split the jobs so we’re not rushing so much

Too much stuff in one day.
BUT.
Neither of you is more right or wrong than the other in this situation.
Your much bigger problem is communication and mutual support. Think about counselling for you both now before this ends very badly.

Sounds like the day went badly and I'd be frustrated too. But better to work with each other not against each other e.g. planning fewer things so there is time for DH to be slow or disorganised, or doing separate errands so you get more done in the same time. Like you, I like to know what I'm doing and when (especially when a meal is involved!). I previously had a partner with ADHD and I had to accept we would get less done, and sometimes I would tell him slightly earlier times so we wouldn't be late for things

You sound mismatched unfortunately.

Is there a reason why you have to certain of these tasks together, and why was the birthday present such a priority?

There is nothing worse than being rushed around by someone, but why doesn’t you DH manage some of the admin?

Neither is in the wrong as such but you have very different approaches....
Personally I think if you have children and have set things to do in a certain time frame you have to have a degree of organisation. Particularly if you have to take into account children's sleeping and food. If it is just my husband and I will will roll with the day a bit more and that is fine, but with children we have to be aware of food/sleep or it was hell. My children always use to sleep in the pushchair during the day, even at home, so we did have a little more flexibility (this wasn't planned, just evolved and worked really well!)

For saying you're a planner it sounds like things were poorly planned. Why could one of you not go to ballet while the other went to the bank/dropped the present off? If the issue is transport or you only have one car then someone could take the bus to the bank for example.

I think you tried to fit in way too many things into half a day on a Sat. I’d hate to be your H and having to follow this regimented day plan on a weekend.

I will admit - I do find planning like that stressful and restrictive. But i an also all about optimisation of tasks.
Both of you are NOT needed at ballet and park. And park is NOT needed if you wanted your kid to have a class; a relaxed lunch and a nap.
One of you could go to the bank. And do the present drop off. Or do it later.

To answer your question - both of you are at fault. Your time management styles clash - and BOTH need to realise that and adjust to something in the middle.

Was there any need for both of you to do al those things? I’d have split them out rather than both traipse around trying to do too much. The fact all those things were something you were both doing was bad planning.

You've planned too much before 2pm if that was to somehow include a 2 hour nap.

I'm not surprised he wants to slow down a bit if this is what every weekend looks like.

Plan things together next time and allow for compromise. Don't take on the role of chief planner, work as the partnership you're supposed to be

That means compromise from both of you.

One person to do the ballet whilst the other banks or shops or drops the present etc

sounds to me like you organise way too much of your time doing stuff on a weekend?

does hubby work through the week? do you work through the week? is there a reason why you have to cram all that into a saturnday morning?

why couldn't the chores be split.. one do the bank and the present, the other do the ballet and the nap...

i think you are both at fault. you've organised it all...

I understand people saying we planned too much in, but unfortunately couldn't be avoided. Toddler has ballet every weekend and it was her 'show' today, both the bank and the solicitor were things we both had to do as they're related to the sale of a property we own, birthday present was the only thing we didn't need to do. I suggested doing it another day but he said no it had to be today (his family member).
I suppose my point was when we do have days like this (many weekends we relax and have no plans at all) we need to actually plan the day.

That sounds like a hideous morning. I would hate that much shit to do on a Saturday.

Believe me, not the Saturday morning I wanted either. Like I said, it all fell on the same day and rather than let it all go to shit (which it did) I would rather had a plan in place so it wasn't so painful for all involved

If you're trying to sort out relationship problems via working out who's 'wrong', it's not going to come out well.

For someone who is apparently a planner you’re not great at planning if that’s the result. I’m shocked that people seem to think doing 4 things before 2pm is too much for a Saturday 😂 they said, I don’t get why you all needed to do each thing either.

Four things + lunch and a 2 hour nap by 2pm feels like a lot!

I'm going to make some guesses here:

You feel that if you plan the morning then everything is remembered and people get fed. The morning is successful.

He feels under pressure with any kind of plan. If stuff is planned the morning may be successful in the sense of everything is remembered and people get fed but he feels under intense stress all morning to stick to the plan.

He prefers to forget stuff and go with the flow because he finds the pressure of being on a plan itself stressful and unpleasant.

As I say, I'm guessing. But that would be my guess.

Stop looking at it from the perspective of right or wrong. You are two different people with two different ideologies about living your lives.

If we are talking about efficiency, then yes, your approach is better.

If your husband wants to prioritise living in the moment, his approach is better. You can't force him to be a certain way, though.

Divide and conquer. You both had to do everything together? How silly. It's no wonder it all blew up in your face.

You didn't have to do all of that together.

I'd be frustrated about this too OP.

It's every weekend and tbh I feel a bit gaslighted.

I suppose my point was when we do have days like this (many weekends we relax and have no plans at all) we need to actually plan the day.

Well which is it OP? Is this happening every weekend as in your OP or occasionally as per your update?

To be honest, it sounds like today was a very rarely occurrence where you BOTH had to be at your DD’s show, bank & solicitors; I’d say the majority of the time you could probably divide & conquer so I’m not sure how much of an issue this really is UNLESS you’re one of those couples who have to do everything together.

I’d hazard a guess that you probably are too controlling / an over planner & he’s probably too laid back / lacks organisation so there’s fault on both sides.