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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is life meant to be this way?

38 replies

Mumofboys247 · 20/04/2024 07:09

My husband has his own company and it can be very stressful
he drinks every night and is mean when he is drunk (which is every day) - he lets all his stress out on me but can be very unkind.
i also work elsewhere but he is constantly telling me I should do more for him - running my job down and saying I should spend my time working for him, we have 2 young children who take up a lot of my time - he hates when I take them to a group or even to a park as said this is time I should spend working for him
am I meant to give up everything for him? And I meant to let him be so vicious because he is stressed with work? I want to walk away , he is very rarely at home between work and socialising anyway - he is generous with money but constantly picking at me and hates when I go anywhere even if it’s a child activity - i guess I’m asking if this is normal and I’m being selfish?

OP posts:
ItSucksSo · 20/04/2024 07:11

He sounds like an abusive, controlling alcoholic.
No, that is not normal.

The34Bus · 20/04/2024 07:11

Completely abnormal. He wants you not to have money independent of him so that he can dominate you financially as well as verbally.

ThePartyArtist · 20/04/2024 07:12

Not it's not normal. It's abusive. You can access support to leave via Relate or Women's Aid.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/04/2024 07:12

It’s not normal, no. You’re not being selfish. He is abusive. He is an alcoholic. You need to leave.

I run a business that can be stressful. I don’t take it out on my DP (or anyone).

WhiteLeopard · 20/04/2024 07:12

No, this is not how a loving relationship is meant to be Sad

BigButtons · 20/04/2024 07:12

No. It is not normal. It is abuse.

Blahblah34 · 20/04/2024 07:14

Well done for keeping your financial independence, will make it easier to leave him

Meadowfinch · 20/04/2024 07:16

No. He's a nasty, abusive, controlling drunk.

He wants you to give up your job and then you will be totally in his control and will never be able to leave.

You cannot allow your children to grow up in this horrible toxic environment. You need to have a very sharp word with him. Insist that he gets help with his drinking. Challenge him every time he puts you down.

If neither work, get your ducks in a row and plan your exit.

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 20/04/2024 07:21

No, that's not ok.

Also though, what is your work? How often are you working? How old are the DC and how often are you taking children to fun groups and classes whilst he's slogging his guts out? I can see why that might cause resentment.

NecessaryNC24 · 20/04/2024 07:22

Sounds like my Ex. And I emphasise the Ex.

Sorry OP.

TwilightSkies · 20/04/2024 07:25

He’s abusive. The only way to live a good life is to end the relationship. He won’t change. You can’t change him, no matter how hard you try.
Save yourself and your children.

Original poster
Mumofboys247 · 20/04/2024 07:26

Thank you - I have kept my job solely for this reason so I am independent - he makes me feel guilty that I don’t do more for him but I don’t have enough hours in the day - i do everything for the children he hasn’t as much as ever changed a nappy - I’ve stuck around hoping to get to school age when life just gets that bit easier.
I see he is struggling I do but I can’t say physically do anymore / I try and help in between looking after the children but I only have 1 day and evenings when I’m not working myself so this is such a busy time - I feel like I barely see my children anyway / he does nothing to help at home but wil soon complain if his clothes to wear out to the pubs are not clean.
his mum is the only one around for him
and said I am meant to drop everything for him and it’s our future - he said all his friends can’t believe I don’t do more!

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 20/04/2024 07:26

Also though, what is your work? How often are you working? How old are the DC and how often are you taking children to fun groups and classes whilst he's slogging his guts out? I can see why that might cause resentment.

Really?!! Why are you making excuses for an abusive drunk??

Original poster
Mumofboys247 · 20/04/2024 07:30

I take them to 1 class on a Wednesday morning - I am home by lunch and I work around another on a Monday.
I am pleased you have said this as I want people to see both sides to see if I am wrong - should I be doing more?
his Job brings home most of our money but this would mean me having childcare 5 days a week if I was to help - or giving up my job completely

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 20/04/2024 07:34

OP you are doing more than enough. Nothing you ever do will be good enough for this abusive man. He will always find a reason to criticise you and make you feel bad about yourself.
You are so used to his abuse that you can’t see how terrible it really is.
Life is NOT meant to be this way. But if you wait for him to change and treat you better you will literally be waiting forever.

Original poster
Mumofboys247 · 20/04/2024 07:44

I genuinely expected to come on here and be blasted for being so selfish - thank you for all your comments 😊
I guess years of being called useless and thick and lazy have taken there toll on me - time to plan my escape x

OP posts:
BigButtons · 20/04/2024 07:47

Mumofboys247 · 20/04/2024 07:44

I genuinely expected to come on here and be blasted for being so selfish - thank you for all your comments 😊
I guess years of being called useless and thick and lazy have taken there toll on me - time to plan my escape x

Please do. Get your and your children out. He sounds really nasty. You exist to fulfill his needs. He doesn’t see you as a human being.
you are not selfish.

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 20/04/2024 07:50

TwilightSkies · 20/04/2024 07:34

OP you are doing more than enough. Nothing you ever do will be good enough for this abusive man. He will always find a reason to criticise you and make you feel bad about yourself.
You are so used to his abuse that you can’t see how terrible it really is.
Life is NOT meant to be this way. But if you wait for him to change and treat you better you will literally be waiting forever.

Edited as quoted wrong post

HelloDenise · 20/04/2024 07:52

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn I think it's time to get your coat. Misogynistic twaddle.

Original poster
Mumofboys247 · 20/04/2024 07:52

I’m not a stay at home parent - I work 4 days a week as well as running a home and looking after children

OP posts:
WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 20/04/2024 07:53

Mumofboys247 · 20/04/2024 07:30

I take them to 1 class on a Wednesday morning - I am home by lunch and I work around another on a Monday.
I am pleased you have said this as I want people to see both sides to see if I am wrong - should I be doing more?
his Job brings home most of our money but this would mean me having childcare 5 days a week if I was to help - or giving up my job completely

Well yes.

You are choosing to be a part SAHP because his earnings make that possible, not because that's what works for both of you. It's very normal for children to be in childcare 5 days a week. Why should one person run themselves to the ground working so the other can choose to do leisure activities with the children instead?

The drunken behaviour is not ok. But you aren't playing as a team.

Taffydog · 20/04/2024 09:03

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 20/04/2024 07:53

Well yes.

You are choosing to be a part SAHP because his earnings make that possible, not because that's what works for both of you. It's very normal for children to be in childcare 5 days a week. Why should one person run themselves to the ground working so the other can choose to do leisure activities with the children instead?

The drunken behaviour is not ok. But you aren't playing as a team.

Show quote history

He is an abusive alcoholic arsehole - are you actually reading what the OP has said??!!! How can you say she isn’t playing as a team - she works virtually full time and then is full time parent for two young children as he does nothing for them. He is 100 % the issue - she is not

HelloDenise · 20/04/2024 09:05

Taffydog · 20/04/2024 09:03

He is an abusive alcoholic arsehole - are you actually reading what the OP has said??!!! How can you say she isn’t playing as a team - she works virtually full time and then is full time parent for two young children as he does nothing for them. He is 100 % the issue - she is not

Show quote history

I despair of some contributions to threads.

Newestname002 · 20/04/2024 09:14

Mumofboys247 · 20/04/2024 07:44

I genuinely expected to come on here and be blasted for being so selfish - thank you for all your comments 😊
I guess years of being called useless and thick and lazy have taken there toll on me - time to plan my escape x

I guess years of being called useless and thick and lazy have taken there toll on me - time to plan my escape x

Thank goodness! Imagine if you HAD given into him and you were his employee in his company as well as at home - you would be trapped!

  • Whilst you are planning your escape (speak to Women's Aid, or Citizens Advice in the first instance, although
  • you may also wish to book a single initial consultation with a family law solicitor)
  • do keep your thoughts and arrangements completely under your hat or it's very likely your husband will escalate his abuse.
  • Google "grey rock" to enable you to respond to him in a very non-committed way since he gets a response from you but you are protecting yourself.
  • Ensure your email and phone are properly secure with unique passwords/pins.
  • Ensure you have a bank account he has no access to (and/or change the password).
  • When browsing, clear down your browsing history after every session or use the private/encrypted search mode.

Fingers crossed for you. 🌹

Taffydog · 20/04/2024 09:17

@HelloDenise It worries me. The OP is in an abusive relationship but he’s clearly gaslit her into thinking she’s in the wrong. Comments like that feed into his narrative.

OP hope you are feeling validated by the fact everyone else in the thread knows his behaviour is wrong and it gives you the strength to break free. You know you can do it alone as you already are!