If you were part of a blended family growing up

[Whatsinthiscrumble]

If you were part of a blended family growing up that involved either your mum or dad leaving the family home & then starting a “second” family with a new partner , what did, and what do you now, think about it?

Or if you were a child in the second family, how did it affect you?

know a couple of people in this situation and the parents seem to play the “we’re one big happy family” act, but I always wonder how the kids actually feel….

No issues with it had a good childhood. Seems to be very frowned upon on MN but I know many people who grew up with step families and have a great relationship with them and consider them as their own parent/family.

Loathed it. But pretended it was great for the sake of my parent.

My DH is scarred for life by the fallout from his parent’s divorce and subsequent re marriage.

Didn't think anything about it as a child as my parents split up when I was 1 so I never knew different.

As an adult I now know I was horribly neglected, and a casualty of my parents' complete inability to put their children first (as were all my siblings and half siblings).

We are pretty much a picture perfect blended family though, was recently at my mother's second husband's birthday, so were both his ex wives and his current wife, along with all their children. We almost all get along fine as adults.

My parents split when I was 6.

Dad remarried when I was about 9, later on had two kids and they split when I was 19. Massive family breakdown and we hardly speak.

Mum met someone when I was 15, by 17 we were forced to move to the other side of the city, and crammed 5 teenagers into a 3 bed house. (We gave up a big rented council house for this) it was a hell on earth.

I'm not 34, only really bonded back with my mum once i became a mum.

Both parents made mistakes and we were not a happy family :s

My dad left and had a second family when I was in my mid teens but I wouldn't ever have called it a blended family. It was very much a separate thing. I occasionally visited but never stayed there and wouldn't have wanted to even if I had been younger.

Same. Honestly hearing how he felt as a child has convinced me that if we ever divorce I will never force a “blended” family onto my child even if it means staying single for decades!

My dad passed away when I was 10 and my mom met my (step) dad after. He was also widowed. They took their time - she had 3 kids, he had 2. There was no pressure to be anything to him and I always remember my mom telling us we didn’t have to love him, just to respect him as we would any other adult.

Suffice to say, he was a great man with an amazing heart and we love him and our bonus brother and sister. They also adore my mom. We’re all here 30 years later loving and supporting each other.

Saying all that, I’ve chosen not to blend, because I’ve seen it go plenty wrong. I may also be biased, but I find most stepparents (mom/dad) inadequate, so no thanks.

@Dweetfidilove
That's lovely.
We blended my 1 with dh's 2
They lived with their mum who I always got on with - think that helps
With had eow.
Christmas or new year.
And a week in summer and eventually another child who completed the family.
They all got on really well together remain close.
I thought all blended families were like us , but have learnt we were very lucky.

My ex went to work overseas for 3yrs and we lived in his house when he was away, so I could save up to buy a house. So it was my childrens home, not just a place they visited every weekend. I moved out just before he came back which was fine as that was always the plan, but he then out of the blue brought back a new ‘wife’ (religious ceremony only) and her 15yr old son. My DD was 15 at the time, DS 18. As predicted my daughter lasted 2 months doing 1wk at each and since September hasn’t slept there one night and only visits when her cousins are there for the day. Only time her dad sees her is when he takes her to school or calls in on a walk. I told him this would happen but of course he thought he knew better. So for my kids it’s not been great at all. DS is a bit better and visits but rarely sleeps there. And to top it all off ex told me he made a mistake and all is not rosey in the garden. Couldn’t make it up!

I know someone who decided that after her marriage broke down she was not going to have more children, whereas her ExH went on to have children with other women. She didn't want to complicate her son's life even further than his dad did. I find it admirable.

Worked well for me as the youngest child (11) with steps moving in with us. Eldest DSis had already moved out. DSSis was brilliant and lived on our farm until late 30s. DSBro was a bit troublesome. DBro1 was 18 so off to Uni, DBro2 was 14 so we were the 2 that benefited the most.

Our DM had died though so we weren't shuffling around. And we were all at boarding school.

It's rubbish, you have no choice in it as DC, you don't even know / like the person your parent has fallen in love with and decided they're so important they need to change your life too!

Honestly I'd never think it was a good thing, I only know of my situation and my friends, none of us have had this amazing blended family happy experience we see on MN being mentioned.

Growing up was a bit of a mixed bag for a variety of reasons. My parents divorced when I was young. We remained with my mum who provided stability etc. my dad had served long term relationships resulting in siblings I never lived with. He married when I was in my teens. A large blended family I visited. And although we are family I'm still an outsider
My mum remarried also and this blended family failed for the usual reasons. This left a lasting impression on me not for the right reasons. I've now been a lone parent 6 years. And although I date. NO one is going to live with my children but me. It was an awful time I wouldn't wish on anyone. Home is our safe place and that is the so important for young people growing up.

My Dad left us when I was 9 for a new relationship with a woman who had no children. I had absolutely no thought that my Dad might have children with her, I thought he already had children so why would he, I was his daughter, until I overheard adults talking about it.
I absolutely couldn't bear the thought of him having another daughter, and my unspoken fear of this was quite a big worry for maybe two or three years. I would have been devastated if he had moved in with other children. Anyway he and my step mum did go on to have children, when I was in my mid teens, by then I didn't mind as I was into adolescence and more interested in my emerging independent self.
When my brother and I went to stay I with Dad and Step Mum (who was generally amazing, she was a really significant adult figure who in retrospect enriched my childhood and it's only now that I think she gave up half her weekend and one midweek night to play happy families and appeared to likes us and enjoy it, I don't know if she really felt that way!) we had a bedroom each that were referred to as 'your' bedroom. That felt important, by the time the bedrooms were used by their children it didn't matter so much.
The most difficult thing was that my mum struggled so much financially while my Dad and Step Mum had good jobs and more money. She had more of the house proceeds than my Dad so he payed very low Maintenance. She worked part time, we were on free school meals, I remember one year in the first really warm spring days having no summer clothes as I'd grown out of what I had and not being able to tell my mum as I knew she had no money until she was paid and I didn't want her to feel bad. I pretended I was still wearing winter clothes because I was cold as I sweltered in cords and jumpers. I really wanted to do D of E with my friends but I didn't want to ask my mum as I knew we couldn't afford it. She made a conscious decision not to make a new family or new live in relationship, though she had boyfriends, at least one of whom was living with his wife and family, she would tell us that they were just her friends and we never met them.
I massively respects parents who put their children first rather than their own new relationships . When I had my kids I knew that they would be the absolute centre of my life for two decades.

@fairymary87 im flabbergasted as to how cramping all those teenagers into 1 house was a idea?

What was your mother thinking?

I met my DH when my kids were 9 & 15, his kids were 19 (twins) 22 and 26. His kids don't like my kids, think they are spoiled princesses and my kids don't like his because they are lazy, dirty, lying time wasters...

It's a nightmare... they are adults now and I've given up trying to blend them. His kids call my kids 'sisters'... my kids avoid his!

My DH and I love each other dearly and the only thing we argue about are his kids!

If I had to do it all again... I just wouldn't

Parents split up when I was 5, dad met someone quite quickly afterwards and they went on to have 2 children of their own. Never really felt part of their family, it always felt separate. As I got older, it was noticeable that they were treated differently at birthdays and Christmas, way more Money spent on them and way more effort made.

My parents broke up when I was 4 and my mum moved to the other side of the country so I had very little contact with my dad (not a great parenting move on either side there; dad is a decent man but effectively chose his dream house over contact with me). My mum was thus a totally single, working parent and I spent several years being "parked" with my grandad, aunt and a series of childminders. We moved again in that time so I didn't have close friends either; I felt lonely and unwanted.

When I was 8 my mum got together with the man who became my stepdad. He took me to school and the park (I'd gone alone before). He helped me ride my bike and was endlessly patient. He took me to the library, read me books, told silly jokes and fell into giggles at my own childish humour. He always acted as if he was lucky to become part of my family, rather than me being an addition to his relationship with my mum.
I was cautious - as someone said above, he was a stranger. I remember my mum asking me "You do like him, don't you?" and me saying "yes" but secretly thinking that I had to say yes, as she was hardly going to leave him if I said no!

They had two obviously much younger children, that I loved playing with. I left home when they were in primary school and rapidly moved abroad, so have never got to know them properly as adults. I think that part of the distance is my feeling that I was an outsider to their family, but as I say that feeling definitely came from me, not from my stepdad. I think it has more to do with the impression I got before he came along, that I was unwanted.

My stepdad died last year, making sure to let me know before he went that he loved me and was proud of me. The best parent you could have. My mum is not easy to live with. He and his children really improved my life.

An ex friend of mine divorced her dh, within a year both parents had a new baby with new partners and remarried. The mum had her original 3, new baby, plus new partners 3 dc. The dad had original 3, new baby, plus new partners 2 dc. I felt so sorry for all the kids involved having such upheaval in a short time. Both new families then moved area causing even more upheaval.

As far as I know, dad and new wife happy, original dds live with him and new family. Mum divorced again, on her own with new child and original ds. I no longer see any of them, but still feel for the dc.

I've been divorced nearly 7 years, have dated but no serious relationship and no intention of moving anyone in with my dc. XH has a gf but no intention to live with her. DC should always be more important than your love life imo

Beautiful!
It’s lovely when everyone makes an effort, gets along and the children have a sense of belonging and love.
That’s the only way it works, I believe.

@80s
What a lovely man.

It seems to be nice when it works. But I personally haven't seen it work in real life. DH and other male friends felt totally rejected and replaced by their Dad's second families. Especially those second families where their distant, demanding and workaholic fathers suddenly went all hands on loving parent.
I'm on my 3rd group of step siblings now. It's never been easy, and was a total nightmare in my late teens and 20s. 6 teenagers all needing parenting, all of us second to the new relationship and being guilted into being nice.
DH and I don't have great extended family relationships now.

I loved it, I knew my Dad was happy, which made me happy. My stepmum is wonderful, I then had a stepbrother and sister who are lovely and a wider step family who all treat and see me as family.

I can't imagine having it any other way now, more family more love for me. They have been better to me than a lot of my blood related family.

I met my partner when my son was 27 and his sons were 29 and 32, so all adults. We did not involve our sons in our relationship until one year in, as adult children can find seeing their parent with someone else just as difficult as younger children. I was particularly worried about how his sons might feel, as they lost their mother two years before we met and I thought might feel uncomfortable about their father moving on. But luckily, they have all been fantastic and they get on really well too. If anything, I think they are more keen for us to become more official (move in together) than I am. I love my partner dearly, but also really value my space and am not sure I want to ever live full-time with a man again! Living next door to each other would be perfect.

I suspect the dynamics of blended families are far more difficult when when the children are younger and still living at home.