I’m one year out of something that I’m not sure I’ll ever get over. Just wanted to vent and to hear other people’s experiences about being with someone who didn’t present how they actually were, and whether the fallout crushed you as much.
To give some background. Before dating him:
I’d been single nearly a decade after a long term abusive relationship
I hadn’t felt interest in any man to want to kiss, touch, date someone.
knew him through mutual interests for a few years
He came across as a gentleman, kind and caring, boosted confidence, great chats and laughs, seemed same page about everything
I kept my distance as always but somewhere in the back of my head I thought of him as someone deeply trustworthy (which I rarely think of anyone)
we started chatting more, we ended up by ourselves one day on a prearranged outing that nobody else could make
felt awkward but was glowing by the end of that accidental date
realised I really really did like him
didn’t text to say so, just thought how lovely is this guy
he started texting daily, I was so happy, he quickly wanted to arrange another “date”
texts back and forth and I realised I am falling hard for this guy.
we have our date, we kiss, both of us are from that day on just totally all in
he tells me how hard his seperation was on the family, I’m wary but he goes on to say the relationship was never good, they married young, he had cold feet and cried on the wedding day but went ahead with it anyway. From the honeymoon he just knew it was a massive mistake.
had kids, drifted, lived seperate lives, put on a front as religious background.
said he was a one woman man, hadn’t met that special someone, been alone for years, felt more for me than he’d ever felt in his life.
many months of dreamy dates go by
becomes intensely passionate
says not so much as looked at another woman for years
I can’t fancy people I’m not in love with, he pretends he’s the same way
feels like a match made in heaven, me fully open like haven’t ever been even in the decade before with my ex.
6 months later
Now I’m all in, and I’m mad about this guy, eyes only for him, know it’s the real deal, spent years knowing him just as a friend, this is the one I want to commit to forever. He pursued me, he made the dates, he made me feel secure. Fancied him like never before, loved so much about him. Felt like, if he became incapacitated, this is the guy I would look after always and never look anywhere else.
he invites me to an online meeting. A guy on there I’ve never met in person- his friend. I don’t talk in the meeting. I arrive first, my guy arrives and I smile.
after the meeting, suddenly he changes. Apparently I fancy his friend who was in the meeting, it was “written all over my face”, me blindsided and totally confused. 5 hrs of this, we are meeting for a date the following day, he leaves me wondering if he’s going to turn up. He turns up and he’s cold. I’m not defending myself I’m just confused. Eventually I say, I only have eyes for you, why on earth would something like that even enter your mind. Cue weeks of ranting, eventual dumping, a month apart. We get back together and there’s no apology or admission he was wrong, he occasionally raises it, I deny it. This guy was nothing, I don’t even know him, I’m in love with my guy and only want him.
6 months later
suddenly wants kinky talk about other women
suddenly says things like “every man prefers a certain size breasts” implying mine aren’t that certain size
tells me I’m so beautiful and sexy but when we get down to it, it’s “tell me about another woman”, I go along with his kink but it takes over entire sex life.
cant get him “alone”. Eventually ask if he wants other women for real, he says of course every man does but he wouldn’t do anything about it. Only fancies women in the street, not anyone he knows etc. a month or so later it’s of course he’s liked women he knows, then it’s “I’d never tell them”, a month or two later “ oh I have told women I want to shag them but not done it, but not while we’ve been together” and I’m like I’m fine then, who cares. Couple months after that it’s “oh I’ve told three women I want to shag them the first year and we’re together but nothing more happened” by this point I’m like who the actual hell is this guy.
said I forgive but please never again, he says nothing to forgive; they came onto me, I’m loyal I’d never come onto another woman. Me….well I consider it something that needs forgiving and I wouldn’t stay with someone who talks to other women that way. Hell ensues, I tell him after another WHOLE year of lovebombing and dates and great times sprinkled with nasty rows on occassion about other women that it’s not fair to either of us. By this point he is regularly picking fights and dumping me and I can’t take all the insecurity of it anymore. As well as that he’s regularly fabricating stories in his head about what I must be up to behind his back, when I’d never look at any other guy and don’t even have male friends. But apparently having an education business page with likes from “loads of men” means I fancy loads of men.
constabtly says it will never work because it’s “toxic” while being the most toxic twat you could ever meet while I exhibit a ton of patience with him through his melodramas. Try to understand him, give him his kink, forgive everthing and smooth over everthing. We live apart and see each other weekly.
finally he agrees he will never talk to women that way ever again.
we live at a distance and I have a child and haven’t been to his area but feel secure in all he’s told me as we have so many mutual friends and I feel I really know him…..
have the best date ever and things are amazing, and then one day, he phones, his life has fallen apart. Oh he was seperated but turns out she didn’t really know that. Oh they did live separately, he lived in an outhouse adjoining his marital home. Hence he could call and text all hours and I was none the wiser. His kids are distraught, he’s lost his whole extended family, and friends have turned their back, if she forgives him he will have to try to for appearances sake make it good.
me feeling I’ve entered another world, sick like I’ve done the worst thing ever. Days of little bits of contact. I ask him why is this even happening. Not once do I ask him to just come and be with me, and I don’t shout at him for being a liar because he’s told me he’s suicidal. I ask if he would be here with me if this wasn’t the way it was. He says “I love you so much but it wouldn’t work long term it’s too toxic” me finally lose my temper st the lying drama Queen, and we never speak again.
how can people like this have no conscience? How can they take so much with no conscience? How can they live so inauthentically and harm everyone around them?
do you think he had some kind of personality disorder to present so differently and slowly layer by layer drip fed me who he really was?
Thanks if you’ve read this far, I really know now that I will never trust someone ever again.feel free to tell me your most horrible experiences below.