People who lie their way into a relationship

[Bluebird987]

I’m one year out of something that I’m not sure I’ll ever get over. Just wanted to vent and to hear other people’s experiences about being with someone who didn’t present how they actually were, and whether the fallout crushed you as much.

To give some background. Before dating him:

I’d been single nearly a decade after a long term abusive relationship
I hadn’t felt interest in any man to want to kiss, touch, date someone.
knew him through mutual interests for a few years
He came across as a gentleman, kind and caring, boosted confidence, great chats and laughs, seemed same page about everything
I kept my distance as always but somewhere in the back of my head I thought of him as someone deeply trustworthy (which I rarely think of anyone)
we started chatting more, we ended up by ourselves one day on a prearranged outing that nobody else could make
felt awkward but was glowing by the end of that accidental date
realised I really really did like him
didn’t text to say so, just thought how lovely is this guy
he started texting daily, I was so happy, he quickly wanted to arrange another “date”
texts back and forth and I realised I am falling hard for this guy.
we have our date, we kiss, both of us are from that day on just totally all in
he tells me how hard his seperation was on the family, I’m wary but he goes on to say the relationship was never good, they married young, he had cold feet and cried on the wedding day but went ahead with it anyway. From the honeymoon he just knew it was a massive mistake.
had kids, drifted, lived seperate lives, put on a front as religious background.
said he was a one woman man, hadn’t met that special someone, been alone for years, felt more for me than he’d ever felt in his life.
many months of dreamy dates go by
becomes intensely passionate
says not so much as looked at another woman for years
I can’t fancy people I’m not in love with, he pretends he’s the same way
feels like a match made in heaven, me fully open like haven’t ever been even in the decade before with my ex.

6 months later

Now I’m all in, and I’m mad about this guy, eyes only for him, know it’s the real deal, spent years knowing him just as a friend, this is the one I want to commit to forever. He pursued me, he made the dates, he made me feel secure. Fancied him like never before, loved so much about him. Felt like, if he became incapacitated, this is the guy I would look after always and never look anywhere else.

he invites me to an online meeting. A guy on there I’ve never met in person- his friend. I don’t talk in the meeting. I arrive first, my guy arrives and I smile.

after the meeting, suddenly he changes. Apparently I fancy his friend who was in the meeting, it was “written all over my face”, me blindsided and totally confused. 5 hrs of this, we are meeting for a date the following day, he leaves me wondering if he’s going to turn up. He turns up and he’s cold. I’m not defending myself I’m just confused. Eventually I say, I only have eyes for you, why on earth would something like that even enter your mind. Cue weeks of ranting, eventual dumping, a month apart. We get back together and there’s no apology or admission he was wrong, he occasionally raises it, I deny it. This guy was nothing, I don’t even know him, I’m in love with my guy and only want him.

6 months later

suddenly wants kinky talk about other women
suddenly says things like “every man prefers a certain size breasts” implying mine aren’t that certain size
tells me I’m so beautiful and sexy but when we get down to it, it’s “tell me about another woman”, I go along with his kink but it takes over entire sex life.

cant get him “alone”. Eventually ask if he wants other women for real, he says of course every man does but he wouldn’t do anything about it. Only fancies women in the street, not anyone he knows etc. a month or so later it’s of course he’s liked women he knows, then it’s “I’d never tell them”, a month or two later “ oh I have told women I want to shag them but not done it, but not while we’ve been together” and I’m like I’m fine then, who cares. Couple months after that it’s “oh I’ve told three women I want to shag them the first year and we’re together but nothing more happened” by this point I’m like who the actual hell is this guy.

said I forgive but please never again, he says nothing to forgive; they came onto me, I’m loyal I’d never come onto another woman. Me….well I consider it something that needs forgiving and I wouldn’t stay with someone who talks to other women that way. Hell ensues, I tell him after another WHOLE year of lovebombing and dates and great times sprinkled with nasty rows on occassion about other women that it’s not fair to either of us. By this point he is regularly picking fights and dumping me and I can’t take all the insecurity of it anymore. As well as that he’s regularly fabricating stories in his head about what I must be up to behind his back, when I’d never look at any other guy and don’t even have male friends. But apparently having an education business page with likes from “loads of men” means I fancy loads of men.

constabtly says it will never work because it’s “toxic” while being the most toxic twat you could ever meet while I exhibit a ton of patience with him through his melodramas. Try to understand him, give him his kink, forgive everthing and smooth over everthing. We live apart and see each other weekly.

finally he agrees he will never talk to women that way ever again.

we live at a distance and I have a child and haven’t been to his area but feel secure in all he’s told me as we have so many mutual friends and I feel I really know him…..

have the best date ever and things are amazing, and then one day, he phones, his life has fallen apart. Oh he was seperated but turns out she didn’t really know that. Oh they did live separately, he lived in an outhouse adjoining his marital home. Hence he could call and text all hours and I was none the wiser. His kids are distraught, he’s lost his whole extended family, and friends have turned their back, if she forgives him he will have to try to for appearances sake make it good.

me feeling I’ve entered another world, sick like I’ve done the worst thing ever. Days of little bits of contact. I ask him why is this even happening. Not once do I ask him to just come and be with me, and I don’t shout at him for being a liar because he’s told me he’s suicidal. I ask if he would be here with me if this wasn’t the way it was. He says “I love you so much but it wouldn’t work long term it’s too toxic” me finally lose my temper st the lying drama Queen, and we never speak again.

how can people like this have no conscience? How can they take so much with no conscience? How can they live so inauthentically and harm everyone around them?

do you think he had some kind of personality disorder to present so differently and slowly layer by layer drip fed me who he really was?

Thanks if you’ve read this far, I really know now that I will never trust someone ever again.feel free to tell me your most horrible experiences below.

I couldn’t look at any other man, I’m glad to have felt how I did for him even if he was who he was. Every day I think of him with hope that his fucked up little head gets sorted and that he falls deep for his wife and she forgives him, and he changes and realises what is important in life, because to be that way is misery, and I don’t want misery for him even if he bought it on himself. I’ve no idea what happened to him, I cut off that group completely as the association was too painful, I just drifted away. I got messages and kept them brief and never asked after him, I don’t want to know. I think if I knew anything whatever it was it would just hurt.

I totally understand that, one thing that kept me going in the beginning was that everything had been a total lie so even though it indeed felt very real and was real, the whole thing had started on the basis of who I thought I was with, I suppose in a way it made it easier to walk away, Have you tried to process your thoughts with a counselor or therapist I wasn't sold on the idea of doing it. However,there was an awful lot to unpack and process and just being able to do that with somebody totally impartial helped with that, I am so sorry you are hurting especially after the trust you had in this man after being alone for so long. He definitely does not deserve you though xx

I feel like just talking on here anonymously is easier for me than a counsellor, with a counsellor I think I’d just feel stupid. Thank you though, I know it does work for people. I think it’s a good tool, I just don’t know if I’m the kind of person who wouldn’t end up walking away feeling worse. I think listening to others helps me see that others suffer similar/ different ways, and it’s venting but not having to cry in public or anything like that

And thank you, I’m sorry also as it sounds like you had similar experiences of being lied to and having things built on illusion. I hope you are ok

The one struggle for me is for the last year sleep eludes me. I sleep for about 4 hrs at night no matter how tired I am. My brain doesn’t switch off the same anymore. When I do sleep I feel like I’m poised ready for action like the slightest thing wakes me up. I’m really tired all the time. I never even told my family about it, they don’t know I’m cut up inside, I feel like he took some part of me and like he’s still got it. And yet if I saw him now, I know I’d be kind and not angry, but the intimacy I felt for him, I’d feel totally reserved towards him, not close to him. Yet at the same time I feel like being with anyone else would betray him, but I have no desire to be with anyone else. The thought of being with him though is the same disgust I’d feel at being with a stranger, and there would be no temptation. I don’t feel like I’m normal, and I wish I could be who I was before me and him.

He is a fucking head case OP

Be glad he's gone

Try not to spend anymore time trying to figure him out.
Religious my arse. No religion on this planet agrees with his behaviour.

What's sad OP is it sounds like you still revere him like some demigod.

I would find a friend to go to the pub with and have a long session slagging him off, but like therapy, until you feel a bit better.

Total bastard. Whatever the state of his mental health, he chose to manipulate and gaslight you. And lying so prolifically is just a habit, a horrible and abusive one.

It’s hard to get over a long-term relationship, even if it was all based on lies. It’s also very hard to get over having been lied to for so long, living in someone else’s fantasy.

Be kind to yourself, OP.

You need therapy and the freedom programme. Don’t get into any more relationships till you have done both. None of this is your fault but you need to be better equipped to spot signs of abuse and to enforce boundaries. It may save your life.

Please don't torture yourself trying to diagnose this man. He's a shitshow of a human being whether he has a personality disorder or not. You're a normal and rational person trying to find reason in completely abnormal and irrational behaviour - it's not worth your energy and you're well rid. So sorry this happened to you OP.

And that piece of you that you feel he took and you'll never get back, you don't need it. It was a piece of you that tolerated his behaviour and is of no value to you now. You will heal in time and replace it with love and respect for yourself for walking away from an abusive man.

I agree with a PP. Look at the freedom programme - it will open your eyes to spotting the red flags much sooner and acting accordingly

It’s understandable you feel guilty - but try not to - it won’t do her any good and will only damage your own mental health. You have no reason to feel guilty - you didn’t get involved with a married man knowingly - he lied and manipulated you. It sounds like a deeply disturbing and horrendous experience and I’m glad to hear you’re out the other side. Not all men are like this - don’t let this prick put you off trying to find someone or allowing yourself
to get involved with someone again bc then he is still getting his abusive way and having a negative impact on your life.

He definitely sounds like a narcissist. It seems like the online meeting was a triggering point. He was either using it to test your reaction to another male - usually cheaters/potential cheaters are themselves hyper insecure and they look out for any sign of cheating in their partner. Or maybe he was just deeply insecure (altho we know he was a cheater at this point, as unbeknownst to you he was cheating on his wife).

Once he’d deemed you’d ‘failed’ that test he then saw you in a different way and began to hate you. It was either a sick test to check your loyalty to him or he was setting you up for a fall bc he was bored with maintaining this perfect image he presented to you and wanted an excuse to suddenly justify going back on the bullshit about not looking or thinking about other women. But it sounded from what you said to escalate, like he was intentionally gaslighting and hurting you. It probably wasn’t true.

Either way it sounds like he wanted to punish you. Either for not meeting his expectations regarding other men or bc he’s just a sick individual with a personality disorder. Who knows, perhaps you were an unconscious surrogate or whipping boy for his wife. It sounds like he regrets his marriage but doesn’t want to end it for whatever reason and rather than mentally and emotionally abuse his wife (the object of his perceived misery) he used you. (This is what serial killers do btw)

Maybe he’s just a misogynist who fundamentally hates women. Who knows and right now it’s not your problem.

Don’t let him put you off finding happiness with someone else OP. He was a one-off, most ppl aren’t screwed up narcissists. It’s understandable and right to be wary and cautious moving forward but don’t let him inflict more sadness onto you and ruin
your future happiness. X

I’ve done the freedom programme, he was nowhere near that obvious

He assumed an entire different persona, that was the issue, lying and drip feeding truth. Nobody spotted what was up with him, absolutely nobody in our circle.

I think a lot of men are like this. They lie to get sex, to hide their personality traits, hide the fact they're watching porn, hide addictions...

I'm not saying women don't lie in relationships too, but men have lots more reasons, in general (in life as well as relationships), to lie.

Sceptical, you’ve made some valid points. His weird reasons for me “fancying his friend” was I was smiling (at my man as he entered the chat) I didn’t interact in this meeting, was very casually dressed in an old fleece and no makeup- look I’m not trying to say if I had been nicely dressed etc that he had anything on me, I’m just building the picture of how it was. His reasoning for what he said was the smile- and the fact “the guy looks like him so why wouldn’t I fancy him” the whole thing was weird and the first sign he was unhinged and I think I just made a ton of excuses for him because other than that up to that point he had treated me with nothing but love and care and friendship.

I genuinely thought it was deep rooted insecurities he had, but I do think now as you’ve said that he had other agendas. I no longer believe even one bit that he thinks I fancied his friend, I always knew I’d given him zero reason to think that, but now I don’t believe he ever did.

People who lie waste a lot of someone else’s time, maybe he believed his own lies and future faking, or his entire life was one big fantasy. Everyone we knew considered him a very decent man. To the poster who said I revere him as a demi God, of course I don’t, I was deeply committed to him and we had some crazy good times together for long stretches before he would pull some drama and change things up. I would never be with him again, his negative traits were abhorrent to me, I can’t respect someone like that, I just don’t hate him. I think after the last day together and how quickly and painfully that all happened, it traumatised me badly.

Don't waste your time analysing him because that won’t help. You should and could examine why you kept making excuses for a man whose actions spoke louder than his blah, blah, blah.

The freedom programme is something you can review and work on again. Sorry if feel like I’m pushing it on you but I think you need to work on your boundaries again.

Sorry you've been through such a terrible time OP. One thing that stuck out for me was this comment:

I can’t fancy people I’m not in love with, he pretends he’s the same way

And the whole 'we only have eyes for each other, would never even look at anyone else' thing.

The only people I've even known to say these types of things are women in abusive controlling relationships, because it feeds the male ego and is telling them what they want to hear.
People in happy relationships or people with a secure sense of self don't speak this way or ask their partner to.

It's just not a good way to describe yourself to others, especially when you're looking for a relationship. It's pretty much a big shiny arrow to abusers saying 'pick me, I'm a victim!'.

Sorry, but I think that’s nonsense. There are people who exist who can only feel attraction when there is something deeper forming, and I’m one of them. As we get to know someone how we think and feel is a part of that, he’d already picked me, I was simply seeking to be understood when he raised something that to me was inconceivable and ridiculous. Would you advise that someone doesn’t seek to be understood? I think it’s standard when you are in a deep intimate relationship. I’ve had intinacy with two men in my life, it was integral to who I am and how I think, why shouldn’t I have expressed it? Had zero to do with being someone I’m not- or appeasing an abuser, as it is precisely who I am.

It sounds like you may have PTSD OP, from
what you’ve described re sleep. You’re on hyper alert etc. if it’s been going on a year you should really think of speaking to a doctor as it will be affecting your physical health as well as mental and emotional.

Although it won’t feel like it, this was a bullet dodged. You were with him a significant amount of time and he’s made you feel like shit. But imagine how much more pain you’d be feeling a few more years down the line and how much more he would have hurt you.

Having a personality disorder, which it is likely that he has, isn’t an excuse but a reason for his despicable behaviour. He would treat any other woman like this, it wasn’t personal. Who knows why he was living in an outhouse adjoining the marital home, it probably wasn’t his choice, although who knows, he had probably spent many years eroding the confidence and self worth of his poor wife, but from what you said near the end it seems like she had become aware of his behaviour and wanted shot of him finally - good for her!

As a previous poster said - don’t waste any more time trying to analyse him. It helps to try and work out why someone acted the way they did, to process and move on and to hopefully avoid that type of person showing similar traits in the future. But some people just don’t make sense, even to themselves. They just are.

Don’t waste any more time on the arsehole. Pretend he never existed and look forward to meeting someone 100x better than him in the future.

Out of interest, did anyone in your group
know of your relationship, and if so have you told them what has happened? Is he still in the group?

I’ve no idea what he’s doing, or who he is connected to anymore. We kept it professional, it was a charity, I didn't discuss personal business with any of them. When it happened I felt so unwell I didn’t go anymore. People contacted me and I kept it brief, no I would never discuss the ins and out of what he did with them. Everyone was blindsided by it. Friends wanted to pull him up on it but I just left it. After I lost my temper I never contacted him ever again. He had been saying “we will meet very soon and I promise I will explain to everthing” I didn’t hold him to it, wha exactly could he possibly say after that? Even though I was devestated everything in me told me to stay completely away from him out of respect for his current situation and because I was so hurt and angry inside and so bonded to him still that I knew it would be no good to see or speak to him ever again.