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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just left my husband but he is saying he will take my kids if I dont go back.

44 replies

leftanddesperate · 31/03/2008 20:25

I have just walked out on H after 5 years of crap basically. Tonight we rowed over something minor and he once again lost it and started screaming abuse at me in front of my kids. My kids were screaming with fright. I have left now - they are in bed and asleep but as I left he told me that if I went then the kids would be gone tommorrow. He has gone abroad before on whim but not with the kids. He has been violent to me in the past, unfaithful many times and I am having to go bankrupt because of him. He says he will leave on Saturday. I know if I go back and keep quiet then he will probably just go on Saturday but he will keep saying provocative things to try and make me row with him. He told my son tonight that I was leaving him because thats what my family does - my dad left his first wife and child. I dont know what to do. I know I have to go back tonight but I cant stand the thought of being in the house with him. Please someone answer me and tell me the best thing to do. I have name changed for this.

OP posts:
KerryMum · 31/03/2008 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shitemum · 31/03/2008 20:28

sorry for your trouble, i don't have any experience of this but I'm pretty sure that if you leave it will be held against you legally if it comes to the crunch. Unless you say that you were in physical danger. Hope someone more knowledgable comes along in a minute.

micci25 · 31/03/2008 20:29

i dont know what the best thing to do is but if you are not happy you must leave him! dont you have any one who could take you and your kids in tommorrow untill he leaves on sat?

my dp always tells me he will take the kids if i leave him too but i dont think he would ever actually do it he can barely look after himself let alone two small children are you sure your dh would take the kids or is it just empty threats?

OverMyDeadBody · 31/03/2008 20:29

How old are your kids?

Why have you left? Why can't he leave?

It's pretty unlikely that he would be able to take the kids away from you, it's ust a threat, eveni if it is a very hurtful horrible one.

Can you get the DCs passprts and keep them in a safe place so he can't leave the country with them?

hecate · 31/03/2008 20:29

If you are sure you'll be safe, I'd say go back and wait it out until Saturday. Or at least go back and collect your kids! There ARE places you can go.

Original poster
leftanddesperate · 31/03/2008 20:31

2 kids. No family near. I am sitting in an internet cafe at the moment.

He says awful things about me to my kids. All this started tonight because I said no to my DS having yet more sweets. He had had lemonade and a stick of twix already today. H disagreed with me and told me I was controlling in front of DS - he always says this. I tried to get DS out of the sweet drawer but obviously he wasnt listening because his Dad had said yes so in the end I just gave up. H went absolutely mental and told me to "deal" with DS, which I refused because DS was rapidly approaching meltdown and it just felt easier to let him have his way. H shouted at DS and then screamed abuse at me telling me it was my fault that he had shouted at his son. He goes mad and gets screaming into my face in front of the kids. I am scared of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
leftanddesperate · 31/03/2008 20:33

I will go back. He just ordered me to stay in as though I was a dog and I cant let him do that to me. I just needed to get out for a bit. I just want him to fucking leave. I hate him so much. I have had five years of shit from him. Yesterday he told me that I could not do a university course of my choice because it would be neglecting my kids and also said that I was lucky with my life because a lot of men wouldnt let their wives have the freedom I have.

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 31/03/2008 20:35

speak to Women's Aid. if necessary they can sort out somewhere temporary for you and the kids.

FAWKEOFF · 31/03/2008 20:35

if you dont have anywhere for you and the children to stay then go back to the house...just put the kids to bed and sit down and tell him you want him to leave immediatly, if he starts to get violent or aggressive then ring the police...((hugs))

callmeovercautious · 31/03/2008 20:35

Is there a friend you can call to drive back with you? Anyone? You need to back and get the Kids but you can't risk him going mad at you. If you crawl back tonight is there an opportunity to go tomorrow with the DC? Even to a shelter? You could line one up now before you go back.

Will pop back later.

Heated · 31/03/2008 20:36

0808 2000 247 Women's Aid number

Blu · 31/03/2008 20:36

Go back. He can use walking out and leaving the kids with him against you.

BUT find their passports and birth certificates and hide them in a v safe place. Hide them away from the house in the morning.

Seek advice from Women's Aid, or see a solicitor first thing in the morning.

Be calm, be polite, be 'disengaged'. If you know he is trying to provoke you then play him at his own game. Don't give him power. Maybe take the kids to a refuge tomorrow. They shouldn't be listening to stuff like that from him.

callmeovercautious · 31/03/2008 20:36

Beat me to it Heated. Call them now x

Original poster
leftanddesperate · 31/03/2008 20:37

I cant ring the police no matter what happens. I rang them before and they told me that next time they had to come they would inform social services about the situation at home. I think he will leave on Saturday if I make him. He just carries on as normal and there is always a time limit before he can leave of a couple of days so we always end up getting back to normal until the next time.

OP posts:
micci25 · 31/03/2008 20:37

go back tonight for the sake of your kids but make sure you leave him, do the uni course and have a great life!

show him that he has not ruined you he is only saying these things to you because he wants you to stay at home and have to rely on him for money and therefore he has all the power!

Original poster
leftanddesperate · 31/03/2008 20:38

I am going back. Not just his threat. I cant stand being away from my kids. He says horrible horrible provocative things to me to get a reaction but I suppose I can live with it for a couple more days.

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 31/03/2008 20:39

why would the police ring the social?
would it be such a terrible thing for them to be involved if he is this bad to you?
take help wherever you can get it to help you through this

KerryMum · 31/03/2008 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Irisheyes78 · 31/03/2008 20:42

You poor lady. Has ever been violent towards our children?

Easier said than done but just try to ignore anything he says to you between now and Sat.

All the very best to you.

Original poster
leftanddesperate · 31/03/2008 20:42

Because I have called them twice before. He has been physically violent to me but only when I answer him back. If I refuse to talk to him he will just keep saying stuff to try to make me row with him but if I dont he gets bored and then starts crawling round me to try and make it right. I will just have to do it for another few days.

OP posts:
Original poster
leftanddesperate · 31/03/2008 20:44

He would never hit his kids. It is true that tonight was the first time he ever shouted even at DS but he does shout at me a lot in front of them. I am not going to say the usual cliche of him being a good father because he isnt. He is endlessly patient with them but then just takes all the frustrations out on me.

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 31/03/2008 20:46

it shouldn't matter how many times you've called them, you are being assaulted and it is up to the police to recognise that and act on it

you could always go in and log it so they have a record of his abuse for future reference

am sorry you feel you haven't got that avenue to pursue but if you CAN manage for a few more days and feel that this is the only route that you have then the very best of luck to you

edam · 31/03/2008 20:47

Oh, left, am so sorry this absolute shit of a man is treating you like this. Agree with everyone who says don't walk out and leave the kids with him, he will use that against you. Get yourself a plan - as someone said, hide passports and birth certificates and work out where you will go WITH the kids. And see a solicitor PDQ.

Original poster
leftanddesperate · 31/03/2008 20:49

I am going back now. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Divastrop · 31/03/2008 20:50

the police inform ss of all domestic incidents they are called to,they have to.normally ss just send you a letter the first few times.

who's name is the house in?is it owned/rented?you need to either get him out or get yourself and the kids out.

it would be a good thing to get the police involved,it will help later on when you need to prove what an abusive man he is.dont worry about social services,their only concern is whether your children are at risk,and if you are leaving him then they wont be.

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