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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just left my husband but he is saying he will take my kids if I dont go back.

44 replies

leftanddesperate · 31/03/2008 20:25

I have just walked out on H after 5 years of crap basically. Tonight we rowed over something minor and he once again lost it and started screaming abuse at me in front of my kids. My kids were screaming with fright. I have left now - they are in bed and asleep but as I left he told me that if I went then the kids would be gone tommorrow. He has gone abroad before on whim but not with the kids. He has been violent to me in the past, unfaithful many times and I am having to go bankrupt because of him. He says he will leave on Saturday. I know if I go back and keep quiet then he will probably just go on Saturday but he will keep saying provocative things to try and make me row with him. He told my son tonight that I was leaving him because thats what my family does - my dad left his first wife and child. I dont know what to do. I know I have to go back tonight but I cant stand the thought of being in the house with him. Please someone answer me and tell me the best thing to do. I have name changed for this.

OP posts:

micci25 · 31/03/2008 20:52

the police having to let social services what is going on if they have to be called out because of his violence will only help you if he does try and get the kids off you, plus im sure that they will be sympathetic to your situation and try and help you

before you go back why not ring womans aid for advice as some one mentioned ealier at least that way you will know what options you have and be able to talk to some one who has experience dealing with these things

MrsDanvers · 31/03/2008 20:52

Start keeping a diary of everything he does/says that is unreasonable. It should help in your defence if things have to go to court. Lots of bullying men say the same things your H is saying to keep their wives 'in their place' but don't do anything when it is time to split up. He may be bluffing, but you need witnesses, if poss.

mrspnut · 31/03/2008 20:53

In the authority I work in a copy of every domestic violence with children present report from the police is faxed to the social services department and usually after three reports (or one really bad one) an offer of support is made by the local team.

In your situation, I'd be calling women's aid and asking them to help you make a plan to flee with the children. I'd also try to get their passports and other documents safe if you can but they will be able to advise on that as well.

Ring now, there should be someone there to advise you better and it's a freephone number.

Irisheyes78 · 31/03/2008 20:55

Good luck to you and just look towards Sat when you will, fingers crossed, be free of him.

Please let us know your ok x

Original poster

leftanddesperate · 31/03/2008 20:57

Thanks Divastrop. My DS is also being assessed for possible ASD and I have anxiety disorder. I am frightened that all this will add up to SS thinking my kids would be better off away from me. I adore my kids and personally think I am a good Mum. They come first for me every time. He cant say the same he has often done disappearing acts for up to 5 days at a time and I have always covered for him and NEVER bad mouthed him to the kids. All day yesterday and today he told me that I was a "half a job Mum" because I was leaving them when they are so young and because I want to do my university course. I am not leaving THEM I am getting the fuck away from HIM. I am literally 200 yards away in an internet cafe.

OP posts:

FAWKEOFF · 31/03/2008 21:00

he is using the kids as manipulation because he doesnt want you to succeed, he wants to surpress, tell him to fuck right off and live your dreams and life...you only get one babe dont spend it with a fuck up like him....you and your kids are worth so much more than that

micci25 · 31/03/2008 21:02

wantimg to better yourself is not being a bad mum i am going to uni in sept and my youngest will be just over 1 and i personally i would slap any one who told me i was a bad mother because of kit! although im sure no one would! and i bet i would be right if i said that you want to go to uni so that you get a better job and give your kids a better life?

you are NOT a bad mother and your anxiety disorder is probably caused by living with him

MrsDanvers · 31/03/2008 21:02

There's no way he can use you being on a Uni course to say you're an unfit mum. Don't listen to him, he knows you'll be more confident if you do it, and therefore less likely to put up with him. he's very controlling. can you take the kids to your mums?

Original poster

leftanddesperate · 31/03/2008 21:03

These are just some of the things he has said in the past two days.

That he will take my kids and I will never see them again
Told my son I was leaving him because thats what my family and me do.
I am a half a job mum
a neglectful mum - because I want to go to uni
A selfish Mum because my Uni course would keep us here for four years and he wants to move - that I am putting myself first - I have lived his life for 5 years never doing a thing for myself. I have only been out with friends for an evening twice in all that time.
That I only care about my DD and not my DS
That I am institutionalised with no ambition or imagination.
I am a spastic - accompanied by face pulling and noises
I am pathetic
I am mad and weird

and on and on and on. Please tell me that this is not right someone because I feel so ground down and I dont even know how to start getting away from him permanently. I will phone Womans Aid tommorrow.

OP posts:

Irisheyes78 · 31/03/2008 21:04

Phone them tonight. That's some list

micci25 · 31/03/2008 21:06

no it is not right you dont deserve to be treat like that no body does he is getting what he wants he is undermining your confidence as a a person and as a mother so that you you are more likley to stay and put up with his crap!!

QuintessentialShadows · 31/03/2008 21:07

You left your kids at home with a violent man?

Get yourself home to your kids now. What if they wake up? What if they get scared? How angry is he now? What might he be saying to them?

This will not count in your favour. So get yourself home now and plan things.

Good Luck.

MrsDanvers · 31/03/2008 21:07

You'll have to call his bluff and act and be as strong as you can. You're right he is grinding you down and it's working. You need info and advice about controlling men.

Original poster

leftanddesperate · 31/03/2008 21:09

He is NOT violent to my kids and never would be QuintessentialShadows - he prides himself on being a fabulously patient "father". I never would have left them with him otherwise. They are in bed and asleep.

Going home now anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

leftanddesperate · 31/03/2008 21:10

Thanks everyone who replied. It really helped. My broadband is down at home so I wont be able to post for a few days. Thanks again.

OP posts:

micci25 · 31/03/2008 21:12

good luck hun dont let him win!

Divastrop · 31/03/2008 21:24

good luck,lets us know how things go.

those things on the list sound pretty typical of an abusive man(i have been in 2 abusive relationships in the past and was frequently called mad,told i was a bad mother,threatend with them getting custody of the kids,and whenever i got councelling or wanted to go on a course,xp would decide we had to move).

be strong x

callmeovercautious · 31/03/2008 21:27

I hope that by the time you read this you are somewhere safe with your Children and away from him. I don't usually join in the "leave him now" threads on MN. However I really think he is manipulative and if you stay he will eventually hurt them as well.

Once you are away let us know what area you are in and someone may be able to meet up with you and give some more morale support - if you are near me in the east I certainly will. X

MrsDanvers · 31/03/2008 22:09

Good luck L&D. Let us know how things turn out- and if u need a bed for the night!

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