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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being nuts???

64 replies

enraged · 31/03/2008 18:19

This morning DH told me that his sister was going to send him a photo he and her partner took of Ds yesterday at the beach. I emailed her and told her just to send it to my email as she aleady had that one.

Then I asked DH why she just didn't send it to mine anyway. His sis has a hostory of being petty and a bit nuts about small imagined slights but seemed to be really getting over this recently.

DH thought I was insluting her and called me "nuts" and stormed out.

Now I am not upset in the slightest about his sister. I just thought it strange why she didn;t send them to me automatically but my inquiry about this send DH off the deep end.

His reaction has however pissed me off a great deal. We have gone though a lot of problems in the last year and were just getting back on an even keel and I was beginning to think I could trust him to put us first again - this, however small - has made me doubt this.

And I was fu*king furious when he called me "nuts" - it't not something I'd say top anyone I was trying to communicate postivly with.

So am I nuts?

OP posts:
TheDevilWearsPrimark · 31/03/2008 20:17

Yes all we have to talk about is Lakeland microfibre mops, vs Flash Mops.
We are a terribly boring lot, I don't know why you bother with us.

postingforawhilenow · 31/03/2008 20:17

i think some of you might have missed the point here and some of you who have missed the point are among those I usually agree with so I am not trying to be provocative by saying this.

Firstly, I don't know how this ever became a thread about monogamy or controlling a partner's communication. We are talking about the OP's partner's sister, not another woman from outside the family circle.

Yes, OP has asked for opinions over a pretty small issue but it is only small from the outside. It may be masking a whole load of other issues than the presenting one. Of particular interest is the OP's refernence to her DP putting them first. In this instance it seems as though the OP has taken the fact that her DP has "defended" his sister (for wont of a better word) as symbolising him putting others before their relationship.

Look, I am not saying this is a big issue but I am saying that usually on these boards people are willing to look beyond the presenting issues and I do feel that the OP has been given a hard time. At worst her thread was maybe trivial (it won't have been the first), at best she was looking to open out into other issues. Or maybe she was just having a rant. Whatever it was, I think a touch more patience with her might not have gone amiss...

NotQuiteCockney · 31/03/2008 20:19

Mop thread? Link?

Um, enraged. You appear to have had an unpleasant fight with your DH. And come on here and got into an unpleasant fight with how many other people, most of whom aren't even interested in fighting with you. You seem a little angry.

Are you perhaps depressed? Are there other things going on in your life?

Carrying around this much rage isn't very pleasant, ime, for you, or those around you.

OverMyDeadBody · 31/03/2008 20:24

Well, personally, at first I just offered advice, and did so in a bid to help the op.

It was only when she got personal (yes Madamez may have missed the point, but that was no excuse for the op's personal attack on her) that I lost my patience.

NotQuiteCockney · 31/03/2008 20:30

I do think posting for a while now has a point, obviously this is (like most marital fights) about something a bit more complicated than it appears.

But enraged's tone is difficult, to put it mildly.

She clearly (understandably) doesn't want to know if she's being nuts, despite the thread title, she wants to rant. Again, understandably.

Original poster
enraged · 31/03/2008 20:34

Thank you BPFAWN - I hope you didn;t feel the need to change your name to post that. MN really is on hard times if we are not allowed to disagree.

I have posted about our realtionshop loads but in my normal name - maybe it's that everyone knows me that they are usually understanding. It's not been a pleasant expereince posting under a different, but plainly obvious, pseudenom.

As it is, I am looking at the people on here that I normally get on with a lot, in a different light. The wild judgements on so little information are pretty shocking. If I wansn't such a robust person, I;d be upset now rather than angry. But there we have the crux of what is going on bvetween me and DH.

Of course this issue is bigger than this one tiff. If I had posted and said, my partner has put his addiction to drugs before our family - which has caused issues with emotional trust between us. It does drive me nuts, not least because he has refused to leave and have been in no finacial a position to leave with DS. The trust between us is very fragile and thing like this have a bigger effect that they normally would.

I wanted to vent. I wanted to get some advice. Maybe things would have been explained some more. But is this is what MN has become - that apparently trivial posts are mocked and belittled - then it can;t be called a support site for mothers anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
enraged · 31/03/2008 20:37

Sorry to be pedantic OMDB - Madamez got personal with me - calling me a spoilt brat. I responded and defended myself. Telling soome to f'off is not a personal attack - it's very very general!

OP posts:
Original poster
enraged · 31/03/2008 20:39

NQC - becoause I'm furious. I'm not the meak kind sorry. And if someopne calls me names, misquotes me and them generally a whole crowd then tries to join in and insults me, I don't care how much my tone jars quite frankly.

OP posts:
OverMyDeadBody · 31/03/2008 20:46

She didn't call you a spoint brat, she said that 'it could be that you are a spoilt brat'.

Anyway, it seems mumsnet thought you where being personal.

Irisheyes78 · 31/03/2008 20:50

I thought rollercoaster was bad but you lot are a pack of bitches!

Original poster
enraged · 31/03/2008 20:51

Oh well congrats - what do you want? A pat on the back? 'Message deleted' does not win your argument.

'it could be that you are a spoilt brat' makes it personal.

It just means that I don't jump to censor people that disagree with me.

What a thing to be proud of..

OP posts:
postingforawhilenow · 31/03/2008 20:54

no i didn't change my name especially, although recently I have morphed from postingatlast.

Your last post was much more revealing and, like you say, perhaps if you had posted these details originally, you might have got a more sympathetic hearing. Still, it is clear that there were other issues around and I maintain that it was a shame you were not given the space to explore these - albeit that your tone was at times tricky.

Can't remember the exact content of the post but was it so bad to need to be removed?? I don't remember it being any less personal than the one about Madamez in a recent thread where the poster (wholly unjustly in that case) said Madamez was a frustrated journalist with her head up her arse suffering from haemmerhoids. That was a truly personal attack

[reeling from seeing his first instance of a post being removed!]

postingforawhilenow · 31/03/2008 20:55

[when I said last post, I of course meant the last long one where you went into greater detail]

OverMyDeadBody · 31/03/2008 20:55

No. You're just rude to them instead.

Original poster
enraged · 31/03/2008 20:56

oh don't feed it Irisheyes. This is MN today it seems. We either accept it or leave it. I'm seriosuly considering the latter. It's certainly past it's prime. Should have gone when Caligula did really

OP posts:
oxocube · 31/03/2008 20:57

Bloody hell ... I'm very confused

postingforawhilenow · 31/03/2008 20:57

FWIW it's worth, I think it's a shame the post was removed. Unless I missed something (like I said, I can't remember the full content), surely it forms part of the thread. And Madamez had suggested the OP had issues with other women, which was wide of the mark and I can see why the OP got annoyed - albeit possibly too annoyed and using an inapproproate tone.

Irisheyes78 · 31/03/2008 20:58

Enraged, start again and lets all wipe the slate clean?

Original poster
enraged · 31/03/2008 20:58

Once again, OMDB, you overwhelm me with the strength of your non-argument

OP posts:
Irisheyes78 · 31/03/2008 21:00

Enraged it's not just today unfortunately. Sometimes I feel you can't say anything on here at all.

If it was enought to bother you it was good enough to post asking for advice. Have you made up with dh?

OverMyDeadBody · 31/03/2008 21:02

I'm not having an argument. You are.

Posting, it was rather an imature personal attack on Madamez tbh. Even though Madamez's post was way off the mark and seemd to have been written without actually reading the op, it was an angry ott response.

Original poster
enraged · 31/03/2008 21:03

I agree PFAWN. It leaves her outrageous accusations unchallenged.

My tone may be inappropriate. I began argry and got angrier at the innapropriate level of spite aimed at me. That kind of equals things out IMO.

Irish eyes, I just won't bother posting on any 'support' boards, if I post at all. I need to go an digest this - along with the issues I posted to get some feedback on.

I have seen it happen to other people posting who get on the wrong side of certain people. It's a real shame for MN policy.

It has taken my mind off things though

OP posts:
OlderNotWiser · 31/03/2008 21:03

Enraged, just came across this thread and think you got a bit of a raw deal here tonight...none of us knows the history, Im surprised how much hostility you got. Perhaps theres a full moon....so no, you're not nuts, but definitely not understood on this thread today.

Irisheyes78 · 31/03/2008 21:06

Digest a glass of vino and relax. What a night!

Original poster
enraged · 31/03/2008 21:09

It's a "waning crescent" ONW - I did check my calender myself before posting just to make sure it wasn;t a pre-menstrual fury.

I have been off ad's for 6 weeks though - which I was on when I was trying to deal with DH in the middle of his addictions - and I thought I was doing very well. It does make yoyu doubt yourself though. DH will try to insinuate things even if we have the slightest of tiffs - which I have managed not to let drive me nuts..so far

OP posts: