I did it I ended my marriage - he’s in pieces help

[Loosingmymind24]

So I posted within the last couple of weeks about how I’ve been unhappy for so long. I was concerned due to how much he doesn’t cope with things (mental health) cannabis addiction etc

he brings nothing ti the household financially as can’t keep a job etc and causes me nothing but stress. Can’t accept I do not want to visit his awful mother (zero issues him going) and expects me to visit.

Well after thinking I’d never ever have the guts I did it yesterday I asked him to leave. He has and went to his mothers. But it’s been horrific he basically had a full breakdown in front of the children, was crying gasping for air it was traumatic. He called text WhatsApp last night and this morning. Saying he can’t cope he’s Ill he’s not slept for over 24 hours now. I know I’m done but I’m struggling seeing this, he’s utterly broken he’s begging I’ve told him he needs to get himself help and he needs.

Did anyone else experience this does it get any better, I feel sick to my stomach with guilt. (There’s no one else at all, I never want to be with anyone ever again).

I think I’m just looking for anyone who’s been through it and do things eventually settle. He does want to come here after school tomorrow and asked to stay weekend with children, I’m at work all weekend so said yes and I certainly don’t want children in his mothers house not at all a suitable area or environment for my children although I’ve obviously not said that to him as not worth causing more stress.

sorry for harping on, I didn’t even organise anything I literally got up yesterday and thought enough is enough but by god to destroy another person has made me feel incredibly sad 😞

[Dareisayiseethesunshine]

Leaving someone is dog eat dog. You need maximum mh to parent your dc and manage your life... Only he is responsible for his mh. Do not feel responsible for him. I left dh. As it turned out it was the day his dgf died. The van came and I did it.
His dgf was the only person in his family who asked how I was.. Save yourself ime op..

[FlickFlackTrap]

My gut feeling is that it’s an act OP but I appreciate that’s going off limited information.
You allow him to continue his lifestyle of not contributing to family life and he’s gutted he’s been exposed and won’t have that any longer.
Do not fall for it and stay strong. He’s not broken and his emotions will soon turn to anger when he realises you are serious💐

[Icanseethebeach]

I think I know your story. It’s not surprising he reacted this way. You have just pulled his gravy train away and he is facing having to be an adult.

I would set up a new email address to communicate with him. Spend him one whatsapp saying I’m sorry you’re feeling this way and suggesting he gets an emergency appointment with his GP. And say for now for both your mental health you’re blocking him on WhatsApp and other methods of communications and he can contact you on this new email address to discuss the kids/practical issues.

Your priority is yourself and your children. I deliberately out you first and you need to look after yourself so you can parent well.

[squirrelnutkin10]

You need to put your armour on op, he will try every trick in the book to emotionally blackmail you.
It is VERY selfish and childish of him to react how he did in front of the children think how traumatic that will have been for them...he is the adult!

You or l or any adult, would NOT have exposed children to that, we would have excused ourselves and cried, broken down in private.

I would not allow him to come to the house until absolutely sure he is not going to involve the children or expose more poor behaviour in front of them. He is a sorry manchild who cannot be trusted to put their needs above his own.

Do you need him to look after the children over the weekend?

Oh and kick the guilt far far away, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

[LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand]

I think you've made a big mistake agreeing to him staying for the weekend. Firstly it will confuse your children. They need to understand that you have separated. Secondly he will manipulate the situation to stay longer, will cry again in front of the children, making the situation worse for them, he will refuse to leave or he will think you've changed your mind. Regardless of your thoughts about his mother, you must rip off the plaster for him and make other arrangements.

[Humanswarm]

I've been there and it almost broke me. What kept me going was the fact I was so unhappy that I was a shell of myself and I wanted yo be happier for my children. I had it all from him, begging, crying, deal making, anger, denial, using the kids to try to gey me back. But..it did calm. It did, in time sort itself. Its not easy, no one wants to hurt anyone else. If it helps, we are years down the line now. Both settled with other people, and we co-parent really well. He's often here for coffee, we share celebrations. It does and will get better. Unfortunately you've got a way to go and it's worth stopping for a little regroup and considering how your coparenting will look now given the living situation. You may risk dragging things out by having him back to yours for the children often. Work out your boundaries now and stick to them. Good luck OP xx

[LittleOwl153]

Be very careful that he is staying at the weekend. Be clear it is for the weekend and not that he's back. Given the emotional manipulation he already has dumped on you I'd say he is very likely to try it on again.

You are clear. You are done. Remember why you are done and stick with it. Life will become easier.

[AGodawfulsmallaffair]

He’ll be OLD pretty soon. Don’t feel guilty, feel bloody angry he’s made your life awful and obviously didn’t give a shit until right now. And to kick off in front of the children? Not sure I’d trust him with them if you’re not there this weekend. Bet you’ll have trouble getting him to leave again.

[user1492757084]

Sad situation. Stay strong.
Be sure that he is in a proper state to care for the children for the weekend. Will he cause them drama and heartache?
How old are the children?
He might be better off seeking comfort and support for himself.

[Brumhilda]

He’s a wimp / or highly manipulative, probably both.
agree with above plaster, he will turn super angry and aggressive when the other actions don’t work.
batten down because it will get nasty and then you’ll realise that you really do need out.

[Shetlands]

I wouldn't leave him alone with the children. He doesn't sound mentally well enough. I'd be frightened what he might do.

[Spoonthief]

Firstly, you’ve done the right thing in ending the relationship if he was causing you so much stress.
If it’s not working for you, that’s all there is to it and you don’t need to explain to him or justify.

Secondly, he is an adult who is responsible for his own actions.
He chose to respond to your decision with exaggerated drama, knowing full well that it will impact negatively on you and his children.
This is a guilt tripping exercise and an attempt to get the children to blame you.

I think you made the wrong decision in agreeing to allow him back into your home so soon after the break up.

It wouldn’t do him or the children any harm to not see each other until you sort out childcare etc.

Do you have anyone apart from him who can look after the DCs while you’re working ?

You need to see a lawyer too.

[Uncooperativefingers]

He's in a panic at how he needs to step up and take responsibility.

When you say weekend, I assume he's just coming for each day and not stopping over? I would expect him to try every opportunity to guilt trip and change your mind.

[DrawersOnTheDoors]

Hold tight, OP, think ahead a year when all of this is behind you and you're settled and happier. Pour your guilt and stress into exercise, this too shall pass.

[GingerIsBest]

Hi OP. I remember your previous thread. I said then:

A big risk you have of course is that he is likely to experience a complete collapse when you properly end it. And of course you will feel responsible for him. And you can tell us and people in real life that you've told him 5000 x that you need him to step up, to stop being so incompetent, to earn money OR parent OR do household tasks but he hasn't done any of them and we will all understand. But he will not. 

Because the disordered thinking of someone like this means they think they are the victim. They aren't purposefully lying to you when they tell you that they can't do x or y, because they truly believe they can't do it. 

The behaviour is controlling and manipulative. It doesn't sound like he uses the anger/sulking behaviour on you (although definitely the complaining/threatening suicide type behaviour) but be prepared for that to start the moment you actually take steps to end it. He will accuse you of all sorts of things. And it will be hard because part of you will wonder if he is right. Did you do enough? Are you being fair.

I have not personally been in this situation, but I have seen it before with someone very close tome. I completely understand the instinct to let him spend the weekend with you all at your house. But I would suggest not to do that. for a number of reasons:

• it blurs the lines - it is clear to YOU that this is a convenient, safe way for him to spend the weekend with the DC. He will not see it that way. He will not understand why he then has to leave again. He will think you are being cruel/inconsistent.
• He is emotionally unstable so while you are out and he is with the children, he will use his tears and trauma to manipulate them. He may not even be doing it on purpose, but he WILL do it. He will cry. He will mope around telling them that he doesn't want to leave but you are making him. He will tell them how much he loves and misses them and how if you would only see sense he would be able to spend time with them.

Hard though it is, a clean break is a better option.

[Singleandproud]

I wouldn't let him back for the weekend you need to maintain boundaries to not confuse the children. Obviously you can't keep him out if you share a mortgage but I'd be taking any key paperwork and valuables with me and keeping them in the car.

He is not your responsibility, prepare for things to get dark and for him to lash out. It's par for the course for them to declare themselves suicidal in which case you contact the police and request a welfare check. He won't do it again. Only respond to communication directly about the children's needs and contact and I would do that at a set time like 5pm so he gets out of the habit of contacting you continuously. If he moans, groans or otherwise then gray rock him or a standard, nom emotional reply of "I'm sorry you feel that way but your feelings and welfare are not my responsibility. I suggest you contact the GP or another professional for help".

Daniel Radcliffe once spent a year leaving his house in the same old hat and jacket so all the paparazzi couldn't sell their photos as they all looked the same. You are going for the same effect, give him nothing new to latch on to so he moves on to someone/something else.

[TheBlueRoad]

I think it's a mistake to let him stay for the weekend. If nothing else it will be confusing for your children. He's left, he must stay left.

Also, do not let him dictate communications. Block him on WhatsApp. Whenever he has a tantrum, direct him to his doctor.

You need to be really tough.

[Loosingmymind24]

Thank you all ! I have made it clear when I get home Sunday he’d need to leave and that I’ll drop him off.

I start my new job in a couple of weeks which means I don’t need any childcare as I’d been getting things in place to build up to this, but just went for it yesterday. So that won’t be an issue, I have been very short in my replies no kisses no false hope and I haven’t wavered during his phone calls. When he contacts again I’m going to make it clear that if he’s going to come and behave like that tomorrow then it’s not sensible. The children luckily are level headed late primary school and high school age I had a long chat last night after we got back from dropping him off (he doesn’t and won’t learn to drive). I explained to the children that was not appropriate on how they were told and I explained my reasons (well age appropriate enough) I told them they could ask me anything at all and speak to me about anything. They actually all seemed ok last night we made pancakes and kids all slept as normal.

But you’re all right I need to keep strong, and I need to stay calm and consistent no matter what. I was very clear this morning that he needs to get himself help.

Thanks everyone

[Reugny]

When you kicked him out you were thinking of your children.

Letting him coming back to stay for a weekend is not thinking of your children.

While you may not like his mother's house, he can see your joint children there.

Part of you separating for him is that you are no longer responsible for his parenting of your joint children. You are only responsible to ensure that he isn't going to take them into highly risky situations.

[Reugny]

The children luckily are level headed late primary school and high school age I had a long chat last night after we got back from dropping him off

You are very lucky.

If your joint children decide they don't want to see him then he is going to have a hard time forcing them due to their ages.

[Dareisayiseethesunshine]

Beware of the reinventing.. Exh spent 6 months convincing me he had changed. He was actually a dp then. I fell for his new image and we got married very very quickly.. Regretted it within 2 weeks.. Divorced exactly a year later.. You have ripped off that plaster op. Keep him out of your home. His home is now at mil's...

[GingerIsBest]

Thank you all ! I have made it clear when I get home Sunday he’d need to leave and that I’ll drop him off.

You also made it very clear, over many years, that you needed him to DO more. To step up, to work, to learn to drive, to do household tasks etc and he never did. So, in the nicest possible way, you are just setting yourself up for more failure.

Of course he WILL leave. You will drive him. But you're just resetting the crying, the manipulation etc. And you can talk to your children all you like, that won't change how HE behaves with them.

Incidentally, in the situation I know about, this dragged on for months. Him coming over on weekends, supposed t be with the DC. Except, he spent less and less time with the DC. Would have a melt down if she said that she was going to go meet a friend or go to the gym, "Oh, so you're making me come here so that you can go out and I'll babysit?" was a frequent refrain. If he WAS left with the DC, would say inappropriate things to them, or just do the bare minimum - they spent most of their time on screens and he certainly never made them a meal for example. On one occasion, her and the DC were going to a social event to which he was not invited, and he threw a complete meltdown then stayed in the house and just didn't leave. After that, she told him this wasn't working and he was no longer welcome to stay for weekends.

So he disappeard. Completely. For 3 months. Didn't turn up for pre-agreed childcare. Didn't call or answer calls. Didn't text etc.

[Spoonthief]

“Thank you all ! I have made it clear when I get home Sunday he’d need to leave and that I’ll drop him off.”

I think the trouble with this, OP, is that he’s had time to think things over, perhaps with the help of his mum.
I highly suspect he won’t leave on Sunday just because you want him to.
He’ll be telling you that he has a right to live there as it’s the marital home.
Of course he can do that anyway but by allowing him back even for a short time, you’ll be making it easier for him.

That apart, he will try to manipulate the DCs when you’re not there.
He also sounds too mentally unstable to look after them safely.

I agree with pp, block him and arrange to communicate by email only for now.

[Loosingmymind24]

Ok I’ve taken this on board and I won’t let him stay. I will also make it clear when he’s with children he cannot behave in this or I can’t let him see them until he’s calmer.

In a couple of weeks when I start this new job there’s no reason to rely on him at all to look after them. I’ll give myself a shake and just be really firm. I think I was just trying to do the best for everyone. But you’re all right I need him to really see we are now just coparents.

It’s hard though but hardest part of actually finally saying it is done, so I just need to be strong now.

[MrTiddlesTheCat]

I wouldn't be acting as his taxi service either.